Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi willy you will cope. We just have to keep going until its better. and I really think you do the right thing by trying to put things right in front of the kids. There are lots of ways of doing that tho, and sometimes ignoring stupidity (plus avoiding the argument) works too, as its important to let them see you take the higher ground and deal with this behaviour in lots of different ways as you are then their role model and it will help them to choose their way. Behaving a certain way (for the benefit of DC) has really helped me detach as I'm in a 'role' of let me show you this way, or that, and it becomes less personal. Sometimes I say, doesn't he look funny when his face is so contorted and red and puffy when hes got himself in a terrible state about his stress.

keep searching for help/advice/support and the fog will lift as you can start to make decisions. If it gets too much over the w/end are you able to just go away for the w/end, to family/friends anywhere?

think knitting xmas gifts is brilliant idea, in fact bought up a load of wool a little while back that said would have to be used for xmas gifts as it wasn't cheap

heartoday so you know then and have shared the shit trip it is for the kids, having experienced it for yourself. Sorry to hear that. I wonder why you succumb to others expectations of you to phone even tho you make it very clear you don't want to, and that you don't want to go there, but you go anyway? Who for? If you don't want it you don't have to chase it.... do you? You obviously have a good relationship with your DW.

I think the 'pushing against better judgement' stems from a fear of even more contact being given to the ex, which I think is very real, and also the child being supported in making their own mind up about how good the relationship is with the NRP. If the relationship is good they will be wanting to go and happy to chat on phone, etc. but will still want to do things with friends in preference to seeing them at times (like someone here said already - it is natural to move away from parental company and look towards friends far more).

If relationship not good, or there's confusion, anger, etc, child will be relieved to not see, but I think its important that the child be able to express that and be supported in their decision. It is the child's decision, unless the confusion hurt, guilt, etc. is harming them then the decision should be made for them to lessen visits, or have them supervised,etc.

Ok ladies...I've compiled my 'grounds' for divorce. I'm taking the dignified approach. Just stating my case...no unnecessary slagging off...

Solicitor thinks it's spot on (indeed he said be out of a job soon if I carried on like this!) but your views would be welcome (P.S. I've changed a few words so as not to out myself!)

1.The parties had lived together for 15 years prior to getting married. It appeared to Bertie that following marriage her H's attitude towards her changed. In particular he

1.1 Didn't want to spend time with her and sought companionship/intimacy elsewhere. Bertie found this extremely upsetting.

1.2 Said things that made Bertie feel very insecure. For example, that he wanted to end the relationship, and then saying he didn't mean it.

1.3 Stopped giving Bertie any emotional support, and often spoke to her in ways that she felt were derogatory.

1. On occasions too numerous to specify there have been arguments between Bertie and her H. These arguments have mainly been to do with

2.1 Bertie's requests to be treated respectfully

1. When Bertie and H did not argue there were lengthy periods of minimal communication, which led to an unhealthy atmosphere in the matrimonial home.

1. Unfortunately finances have not permitted the parties to separate physically yet. They have however since ...... had separate bedrooms, have cooked, washed, and lived separate lives albeit under the same roof.

What d'you reckon?

It sounds enough for a divorce to me.

I am a beginner here. Are you required to prove something to get a divorce? Isn't not loving someone any more enough?

hi bertie well done! you sound so upbeat about it.

I notice there are a lot of 'feelings' in there, and I would take them out personally, especially as its legal/probably male readership,

as in 'was derogatory' as opposed to 'spoke.... that she felt was derogatory',

or 'it appeared to Bertie' change to 'his attitude towards me changed'.

In other places you clearly state the case, like 'led to unhealthy atmosphere'

To make the statements in this way gives them more strength and credence, rather than you 'felt' or 'it appeared to me' which takes the strength away from them.

go, Bertie, go

and you too Hilde

separation
infidelity
breakdown of marriage (unreconcilable differences)
ABUSE!!!!!

... .al of which you have in your statement Bertie (although you had to live under one roof - but there is a time on the separation element - not sure what the length is now).

bertie, I think that is very restrained, given the truth of the situation while you were together, and how he has behaved since you've been separated.

How do you feel, seeing it all laid out like that?

Oh hilde reading your posts makes me so jealous, you sound like you're having a whale of a time being free

NSDH rang me earlier to tell me he's bought me my xmas present but can't tell me what it is but I need to take time off work. So whoop, sounds like a weekend away or something. With him no doubt. Can't wait.

Agree with Shriek about the statement Bertie, and I think you're done well to be so restrained with him. Keep it up

Hurray for hilde!!! It feels good doesn't it, to be taking that control with both hands. It is totally the little things. A long time coming. Enjoy the feeling.

Thanks for the advice shreik

pony I am a restrained type of person! I feel relieved as I was worried my solicitor would say I had to be more specific...I do have dates/evidence etc but I didn't want it to get down to that level IYKWIM

I did my research...no judge would ever decline a petition (unless it wasn't filled out correctly). As long as you put 3 or 4 behaviours that you feel are unreasonable you will get it signed. FW can tick the 'I don't agree with the grounds' box if he wants...but it won't make any difference. No solicitor would advise him to counter petition or refuse to sign. All I've done is spoken about my feelings. How I feel. It's subjective...

Funny that...it means FE could in theory divorce me for the things that he found unbearable.... not folding towels properly, not leaving enough water in the kettle for him to make a cup of tea, and falling asleep in front of the tv!

I'm sure he will be deeply offended when he receives it because he now denies it all happened or thinks it was somebody else's fault so I just have to practice my 'detach, detach, detach'

I had just the same thoughts when putting together my list of behaviours I found unreasonable, bertie - except my FW's only plan was for us to somehow live apart for 2 years (financed by selling the house I suppose, though he never really specified and it won't sell in this market anyway) and then to agree by consent. No way!

awwww. you have your plans, are you worried about them? or simply missing? (which is not to undermine how that feels :(

... and remember, its only the first time (like this, as you say), it will not be so hard every time everyone will get used to it in the same way that you do anything else whilst they are not around. I find it so rewarding to have the regular breaks to have my own time space and catch up. Well I did until just now :( but this is another phase that will settle EVENTUALLY! fingers crossed :(

yay! thats the way :) they have enough to sort thro their own feelings and theirs are the only ones that matter here, as you rightly say. we're the adults and just have to get on with it 8/

Once you get busy with the w/end the time will pass, and it'll be lovely to look forward to all reuniting :) with tales of each others activities.

get yer kniitting out, the knitting with the really LOUD needles ;)

Yes hilde I'm sure it will get easier with time

I'm not looking forward to handing DS over when FW finally moves out...but on the other hand I will finally be able to go out of an evening...and have a lie in! Almost forgotten what those are

I'm getting my knitting out too (there seems to be a theme going on here )

ha ha! blimey can hear you from here! work out that stress :D he he!

I'm waving so many Pom Poms here for you Hilde.
Everytime I see one of your 'it's been x days without FW' I cheer that you're still going.

Hey, we should all get american trailer style signs for the outside of our houses - 'x days without a tornado FW/Twunt etc' :)

Hello to willyoulisten and strenght to all x

hilde so good to hear from someone who is well on the way out. It gives me hope.

OK this is what I'm struggling with at the moment as I try to figure out my way out. At the moment we live together. NSDH knows things aren't great but I've not actually said that I will leave one day. At the moment he is SAHD hopefully just for a couple of months but I really worry that will go against me. Eventually I would like to move out (I want a fresh start) and I'd want DD to come with me as the main carer. I anticipate that NSDH would not allow that and would want her to stay with him. Can I just say we're moving out and that is that so lets talk about access? or could he do something to force her to stay living there - cos in that situation I just couldn't go. She is only 2 so couldn't choose herself (and I wouldn't want to force her to either)

So confused...

I am meeting ex tomorrow to watch DD swim then let him see the dc. Tonight he rang and since I told him I have rented and furnished a new place he finally believes me.
Starting saying I'd be finding someone else and I sounded happy we are over. I said I was happy nobody is shouting at me or calling me names any more. I am just at sea about contact. I don't know if I should get it formalised, but I'm scared that he would get them overnight, which I don't want at this stage.

First sulk of the weekend started - DD's second birthday coming up soon. My parents (always guaranteed to cause NSDH to throw a strop) suggested they buy DD something and asked if we were OK with that. Spoke with NSDH and he agreed it was a good idea. So my parenst emailed over a few suggestions for us to look at. NSDH said all their suggestions were awful so I asked him to make some suggestions. He emailed me 3 - 2 of which were what my parents had suggested, 1 of which was similar but not the same thing. I said I liked option b best. He now only wants option c which is the different one. Spoke with parents - they said that c isn't really what they wanted to get her, they think is too old for her at the moment but they're happy to buy that for her in as few years.

Have just chatted to NSDH (felt really sick bringing it up cos knew it would cause an ishoooo) and he's basically said 'why are they going against what we want?' Pointed out that a)it's what HE wants not what we want and that b) he must have liked the alternative seeing as he sent me the link and c) it's THEIR money and THEIR present so surely they should be getting something they're happier with.

Anyway he's not not talking to me having said he doesn't care and just do whatever I want. Grrrrrrrr Happy weekend.....

Wow I am tempted to do a flow diagram of your NSDH's thinking there, kimberlina. It's clear you understand his strange twisted thinking, designed to put everyone else in the wrong, no matter what!

I have reclaimed the living room as mine by adjusting the angle of the telly and adding some quirkly London bus cushions to the sofa!