Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ooooh charlotte wasn't it 'sleeping with the enemy'? Or something like that?

I saw that film and tbh FW was never that bad...but he did criticise everything (and I mean everything) I did. Folding towels, making tea, reading maps, hobbies, work, how I dressed, how I ironed, how I talked.....and so on....

I say 'did' because funnily enough he doesn't do it anymore. Now he knows I'm divorcing him and I don't give a shit he doesn't criticise me. It must have been one of those EA control things...he criticised me to keep me 'in place' and constantly walking on eggshells

Ohhh, was that it? Sleeping with the enemy. Don't remember much about it at all, except for the towels (and the neighbour now you mention him!).

2 days ago I made my first post, 9 months after first finding out about EA and suspecting that I was suffering from it. Since then my husband has been OK to live with. This is all part of the head-messing isn't it? can't think it will last long. Do you think (d)H has noticed me withdrawing. Since I've decided that one day I'll go I no longer really care what he thinks. I'm sure he'll never physically hurt me so he's kind of lost his main weapon now.

I think as soon as I mention DDs birthday party again it'll start again. Basically I've organised a little party for her 2nd birthday. Have invited both sets of GPs plus her friends and their parents. (D)H hates my parents (esp my mum) and hasn't spoken to them since an argument in Jan. I don't see why GPs shouldn't come. It's about DD not (D)H. Think he should manage being polite for 2hrs but apparantly through inviting my parents I'm excluding him. I keep telling him that he's chosen to exclude himself. He thinks I'll end up backing down as I always do - I won't this time

Bertie & Kimberlina you both sound very 'firm'. Inspirational :) :)

yes, its Sleeping with the Enemy (the towels/tins,etc)

shrriek don't think I'm firm really. The not backing down about the party is my first proper stance. I've told people in RL too so I can't back down. I'm a little worried about how he might react when he realises that the sulks, silent treatment and the chip chip chip at me isn't going to work

How is access and custody decided if you can't agree? I'm so scared of being the one that just gets DD every other fortnight :(

can anyone advise?otbt

go with what your dcs want - would be my advice Hilde I don't stop my dc going out in preference for staying with me, so I don't think right for them to with NSDH either. It 'their' decision, not yours or his. Although you must step to help them manage if there are problems that you think are hurting them. I think its a maturity rahter than age thing. If you consider they are old enough to go out on their own [with friends] they are old enough to have decided they want to go there rather than stay in with you or go to his.

If you are RP Kimberlina set up something thats reasonable for your dc and you can manage easily and will be stuck to as much as you can hope for. You say you are not being firm, but you finish that sentence with '...[sulks, etc] isn't going to work' !! that sounds firm to me. You have detached from his behaviours, they won't affect you ;) it may get worse before getting better, but what can you do?? only carry on with your life and let him get on with the sulks, put downs, chip/chip/chipping away ,etc... but its not gonna work you say. Its within our control to stay detached from that behaviour and just carry on regardless.

.. and hilde you so have a lovely plan for yours/dcs happier weekend :)

Another one just came to me - Kelly Clarkson's 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' !! :)

Hi everyone, my parents divorced when I was 11, my Dsis?s 9 and 3. They went to court over custody, my DM made us go to DF 50% of the time ? I hated it and I am sure she did as well ? she used to cry every time we left!

If I had been given the choice I would never have gone and neither would my Dsis?s, and probably drifted further from DF. I Still hate going now ? my StepM was and still is a total Bitch! And it still takes pressure from my DW or DM or both to phone my DF!

I guess my point is, as a child your home is where your DM is ? and generally this will be where you see your friends, and where you come back to from activities, days out and seeing friends, and you probably often don?t want to leave to go to see DF. But if you don?t want your DC?s relationship with their DF (your FW) to drift away, you probably have to push your DC?s against their wishes and your better judgement.

I hated it and if I went back I would fight it just as much as I did before ? but being purely objective, possibly it was the right thing?..

Clear as mud I am sure!

Hope you all have as good a weekend as possible.

Can I please join you all? I am just so miserable. Weekend tomorrow. God!

hilde - bizarrely, I used to find supermarkets were the place most likely to set me off crying randomly. But your weekend plans sound lovely, so glad you've got some nice things planned (and you've got your od sorted, phew).
The 'should DDs see their friends or their dad' dilemma is a hard one. From my experience, my step-daughters come to their dad's every single weekend, and miss out on a lot of time with their friends - sleepovers, mooching about town, going to birthday parties, normal stuff that an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old would be doing. When i think about what I was doing at their age, I was mainly seeing my friends during the day (and avoiding my parents by sitting in my room in the evenings!). Maybe flag this as a potential issue with FW? It would be good if his attitude is 'I'd like to see them as often as possible but realise they have their own lives to lead as well so we can work around that'.

kimberlina, what I was told by my solicitor is that if you have left with your kids, the man has to pursue contact if he's not getting what he wants. In other words, if you say (eg) 'you can have every Saturday and one evening during the week', and it that's not acceptable to him, then it's up to him to either negotiate sensibly with you (haha) or go through his solicitor. It might then end up in mediation or court, at which point more contact may or may not be awarded by a judge (but if you are been reasonable with your original contact plan, that is less likely to happen). Have you see a solicitor yourself? It's worth having a free half-hr chat with a few, just for information-gathering.

trying - any more flats out there yet? Have you had a look on Gumtree? That's where I found mine.

Charlotte - how're things, is he home yet? Hope not, for your sake!!!! Hope he's getting better, obviously, but would be nice for you to have a whole FW-free weekend.

I dreamt about this thread last night! You're obviously all on my mind. The main bit I remember is that one of you (can't quite recall who) suddenly revealed that they lived in the next town to me, so I was getting all excited at the thought of meeting up!!!! It was a really nice, warm dream, can't remember most of it now but I woke with a good feeling. Awwwww.

Been married 12 years. Have Ds9 and Ds7. Ever so slowly over the years I have stopped doing pretty much anything I want to do for myself. If e sees me sitting down and having a break the attitude is 'Caught you!' It would be funny if he was nice generally, but given his general attitude to me I can't relax around him. I used to invite friends or my family round. DH is just so critical of anybody and anything I love that I stopped talking about them/inviting them. If I mention either of my Bros or my Mum he starts to talk them down. Gradually he got more and more rude to them when they did come round, that I have now stopped. Last Christmans was just awful. The worst ever. I lay awake almost all Christmas Eve night crying and wondering how the hell I would get through Christmas Day. If something nice happens to me, I would not tell him as he would find a way to ruin it for me.

He will go on at me in front of the kids, who have started to comment on it..i.e are y gong to split up?

I know arguing in front of the kids is a bad thing, but what about letting somebody treat you like shit in front of the kids. I don;t want the boys to see me being talked to like that and letting DH get away with it , so I do pick him up on it - and it turns into a row.

I have stopped having an opinion about anything to do with the house/holidays, as it just doesn't count. If I don't go along with his ideas, his attitude to me is that I am selfish...or 'are you paying for it?..which of course I can;t because I have no money left at the end of the month for 'luxuries' like stuff for the house, holidays etc.

Until recently I have still been able to allow him to have sex with me, I have not enjoyed it for many years. I just can't bear him to touch me now. Sex as stopped and I am pretty sure there is a blow out argument on the horizon about it. I think this may be the end coming.

So long as I just let him get his way things go on OK. I don;t bother talking about much to him any more.

Recently I have started to research emotional abuse and our relation ship fits the bill to a T. I am now understanding the effect he is having on the kids too and not only me.

I don't want to be his wife any more, and if we didn;t have kids I would have been long gone. I am at the stage of trying to understand how it will affect the kids if we divorce. How I will cope financially etc. Trying to balance the positives and negatives in my head. I expect many of you have been here.

He is horrible to the boys too. Constantly putting them down. Calls them names. I know I should leave. I'm scared though. I cried in front of my lovely boss yesterday when he asked me about home/life balance during a performace review.

I just need to talk.

I know what you mean hilde, it's just something else to have to make contact with him about. But you're exactly right about why it needs addressed, that's just what NSDH does to them any time the girls tentatively suggest that they'd like to go to a sleepover or anything like that - he puts the responsibility for making the decision back onto them, and makes it clear he'll miss them and thinks they should be coming through to see him. They end up feeling guilty at making their dad feel bad, and recognise that the hassle they'll get from him isn't worth it so don't go. It gets more difficult as they get older, as DSD1 also has a boyfriend (kinda...) that she doesn't get to do anything with at weekends. Plus what if either of them want to get a job? I worked one weekend day a week from when I was 14, that was valuable life experience.
Maybe instead of asking him what he thinks, talk to your girls and ask them how they'd like to handle it (ie maybe they could arrange friend stuff every other time?) and then present him with the plan? Make it as easy for yourself as possible, and as easy for the girls too.

Happy knitting!!!! Wish I knitted, the idea of making Christmas presents is great!

Thanks Hilde. Not scared physically. Just scared of the scene, and the moods that he will chuck if I try to talk to him about how I feel. One tactic he has always used is to sulk if I am feeling bad. I have sometimes had a bad day/week with the kids or work, and have been a bit down. His response is to sulk and go silent, to act hurt, so I have to be the one to feel sorry and to pull HIM out of it. It's all becoming so clear in my mind now, quite how rubbish my marriage is. The fog is lifting and I am scared of the future.
I'm scared I won't cope and I will get into more debt if I am alone. I am scare the kids will hate me. I am scared of having a 'failed marriage' or being a 'single mother'. Of what people will think .

Oh that sounds awful will you listen, you sound like you have totally lost yourself in the relationship because of how he's been. But the positive it that you are starting to see it as the end, not as how you can keep going. This is your time to gather information. Find out about finances - you'll be entitled to benefits, plus maintenance from your husband, so that may help with your money worries. Speak to Women's Aid - they are there for women in EA relationships as well as violent ones.

It's natural to be scared of the future, it's unknown. But think about the future that you know will be happening if you stay - surely the unknown has to be better (or at least different). And your kids wont hate you. They sound like they don't have a great time in the house either. Seeing you getting put down is hurting them. When (not if) you leave (or he leaves), I suspect that you'll be amazed at how much they flower and become more relaxed and happy.

Keep posting.

Poor you Hilde. I have not read far back in the thread. Just spotted it. I didn't realise your situation was so raw. I need to read lots more of this thread to work out everynes situations I guess. I do not want to talk to my Mum as she will not be objective. She hates DH and will nag me to speed things long faster than I am comfy with. She has lots of anger towards him and I need to speak to someone who is not also emotional about this situation.

Thanks ladies. I will keep posting.