Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

So...

Previously FW had told me that he couldn't afford to buy me out of the house...BUT he wouldn't let me buy him out as he didn't want me and DS to have the house (he's a lovely chap isn't he )

Anyway I sent FW an email yesterday putting in writing how much he'd get if we sell the house (just had it valued)...and how much he'd get if I buy him out. Obviously he'd get more money if I buy him out as we wouldn't need to pay all the early mortgages repayment fees, estate agent and conveyancing fees. My solicitor said it was an excellent email and an extremely fair offer (40/60 to me but he has a 30% higher salary than I do and I will be resident parent to DS).

No response from FW yet.

I was just thinking that it's an interesting dilemma for him really. He's VERY concerned about what everyone thinks of him (possible narcissist). If he turns down my offer to buy him out and we have to sell the house it would demonstrate to EVERYONE just how damn selfish he is. Imagine the gossip! "He wouldn't even let DS stay in his own home! What a bastard! His wife was right all along!"

However FW also thinks if he moves out and DS and I stay, it will look like he's the bad guy which of course he is but he doesn't want anyone to know that . The gossip then would be "oh he's moved out...he's either done something awful for her to throw him out or he's abandoned her and DS!"

Ooh I can imagine his little narcy brain turning somersaults trying to figure this one out. Let's wait and see what he decides shall we?!

Or he could equally be seen as the good guy - he did right by his family, letting his DC stay in familiar surroundings, etc.

It sounds like you have made a v fair offer.

Lol Charlotte there's nothing wrong with her teeth, but he doesn't like that I was trying to save myself money by buying stuff on offer at Wilkos. Fucking snob.

I sent him a snotty text this morning - he'd made himself a hot choc last night which uses up a lot of milk, so there was no milk for me to have a cuppa (absolute NECESSITY! )

Enjoy your day hilde.

The offer sounds fair to me Bertie, can almost picture him squirming! Why is it all about image with these men?

Yes silver that would be the normal way to view it!

I'm hoping that because I've been fair and reasonable that FW will behave the same...however one thing I've learned from dealing with him and reading Lundy is that he doesn't see the world in the same way.

Oooh nini I'd be furious if there wasn't enough milk left for me to have a cup of tea in the morning! Should be a death penalty for that in my view

I would have a cup of weak black tea! I must start the day with Tea, and though we have been known to run out of milk, we were (and I am) Never without tea.

Agreed Bertie!

I know NSDH's thinking though - he would think that as we also have whole milk I could use that, when he also knows that I don't like whole milk (it's for DD) as it tastes different. It's ridiculous crap like this that make me realise he still doesn't respect me. But if I was to bring this up at counselling next week he'd dismiss it saying I was making mountains out of nothing and the counsellor would just stare at me.

And I realise that in the scheme of things, it is a small issue. But it still makes me .

And of course the courts are not about apportioning blame, but apportioning assets so that all can move forward, including DC and both parents.

nini he thinks that if it makes no difference to him, it really doesn't make that much of a difference to you, and one that he can put up with.

All he had to do was use some of the whole milk... so perhaps it does make a difference to him.

Am rambling. Having a nice day, and really enjoyed doing the washing up just now. Washing up things that only I had used, knowing they would stay clean till I next needed them!!!

*one that you can put up with

I get you Silver. He thinks its not a big deal, but big enough so that I'm the one who has to be inconvenienced. All this = he is more important = no respect for me.

Who could read so much into a morning cuppa?

Just returned from counselling and it was soooo much better than last week (when she seemed like NSDH saying if I just changed things would be better). I am walking on air and feeling like crying all at the same time. She said it was EA!! (And not because I asked; she volunteered the phrase.) And said because I'm quite smiley :o she hadn't got how bad it is for me. When I admitted part of me would have been relieved if he'd died at the weekend , then she got it! Loads of stuff came out then, and it all feels more real and more manageable now.

He might be home from hospital today :( but let's hope not. Be nice if the nurses put up with him for another day or two!

And the "overuse of emoticons" award goes to...

your award, Charlotte. Reckon you're entitled :)

Glad counselling went ok Charlotte. There needs to be an [award] emoticon!

Just a quickie, hope all ok with you lovely ladies!

Just spoke to my mum again, my dad wasn't there so she was able to talk more. I always knew my dad was a b**tard growing up but thought that was just towards me and my brother-telling us off, dragging us out of bed then ignoring us etc etc. It would appear she has suffered EA all her life with him, she spilled out all the nasty shit he had done over the years to her not just us but said how she stuck it out for us kids I'd rather she didn't, we had a miserable childhood when he was around. I want to cry. It is basically history repeating itself. I am with a bloody clone of my father with the extra bonus of violent outbursts on top. Makes me think now when I got together with FW was I just looking for love etc from someone like my dad if you know what I mean? What a mess.

Charlotte thats great. I do wonder whether counsellors may avoid using the EA word as they dont like to put words in your mouth?

I had a weird convo with H on sat night. started with me putting my foot down about him "forgetting"/"not having time" to do agreed jobs. I told him that I need to know he will do something if he says he was. He got rather annoyed by this as he felt that I was being petty.

I can't remember the exact words he used but he basically asked if I was following some sort of Mumsnet script...the words self help book, and pop psychology came into it. I dont know whether he has been looking at my internet usage on my laptop or whether he just knows me very well and is aware my attitude to him has changed. he said that he's worried that even if he does all the stuff Ive asked him to I may still turn around some time down the track and say its not good enough.

We talked about counselling and it became apparent that he didnt really understand what it is or how it works although that hadnt stopped him previously telling me what a bad idea he thought it was.

I am so confused, on paper he is EA. However (perhaps because I have been skirting around him so wel)l there have been few confrontations in recent years and he seems to be trying to do better on all the problem areas we've talked about.

trouble is that if he is EA, this is what he would do (to keep the peace for a bit before next explosion) and if he isnt EA this is also what he would do (because genuinely a decent bloke just a bit lazy/thoughtless)

Not a mess, Maggie - with your increasing clarity you are going to make life better for your kids. Already you are not denying his behaviour as your mum did and are therefore in a better position to help your dcs understand what is going on and make better choices when their turn comes.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time.

I'm so with you, MrsP! Have had my thoughts go round similar circles. But you brought a problem to him, with the wish of working out a solution together, and he minimised the problem, made fun of the way you'd brought it up ("script") and gave his arrogant and insulting opinion on something he knows nothing about. He sounds a real catch! :o

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"? That's helping me with clarity, as is writing it all down to see the bigger picture.

Feel for you Maggie, your story sounds so similar to mine, it's true these things follow a pattern which is why I'm desperate to give my dd's a better chance in life re relationships than I had.

Know what you mean too MrsP, that being unsure what bloody games they're up to.

Charlotte, that's really good your counsellor has recognised EA and supports you, you should feel really lifted from that.

Bertie, hope you get a result from FW - you're right, they're so obsessed with looking good that surely they can't be seen to be turfing their children out onto the street! Fingers crossed

Tea's probably better for us without the milk?

just to update on WA - the 0808 national number is (wo)manned 24/7, and then regional number given. Keep trying.

oh Maggie, yep not uncommon I reckon, landing up in abusive relationship as a rsult of not having been respected in childhood, therefore groomed for abuse. Others that have felt love can see the difference very clearly, that love is being respected and thats what feels good.

Can't recommend WA enough. This is a specific problem to women and finding the right one will be a guide out of the dark into knowledge and light at a bit of peace for us and our dcs. To learn what loving really means, instead of this degrading, insidious erosion of self, and neverending hurts. Moments of empathy manipulating the situation to ensure she doesn't leave me is not love!

Aaarrrrggghhh

bertie are you ok?

((Maggie)) so sorry, but eventually it has to be better to make sense of it all? And you know you are not alone, your DM understands what it is like.

Charlotte see what you mean. my head is a mess right now.

if you have a point mrsop, and I think its a very serious point (concerns about your relationship), to continually undermine its importance is to undermine you. If it were brushed off a couple of times cos he really didn't 'get' its significance to you and then said, I get that this really matters to you, so I agree it needs talking about, well that would be different. If its making you unhappy and you've expressed that and he still continues to do it.. well.. hmmm. Its deflecting to speak about how you are saying it, rather than hearing and answering what you've said.

Bertie u ok? what happened?