Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi ladies, wow such a lot has happened since I was last on! Loved the bios . Heartoday nice to hear from a decent bloke Pony my dsis had a long talk to me and suggested I must look for a furnished flat (not many round here though) as it totally decomplicates everything. She is right. She said, don't count pennies too much, you are essentially saving your health and possibly your life, along with the mental health of dcs. You know you never want to reconcile so the sooner you do it the better. She said she hadn't wanted to pressure me by coming up (ie taking leave from job etc as she lives a while away) until I had made the decision myself to leave but once I do she'll be here like a shot My dm has also expressed unending support but is also being quite giggly which is GOOD because normally she catastrophises everything, which is why I was unwilling to tell her. I already know it's bad, I need support and love but not further doom and gloom from the family IYSWIM! I actually keep thinking, yay I am almost out, am really going to leave! Scared but happy over here

Love and strength to all.

wow! (again!) an inspiration to all flying you are excited and I am for you- good luck with it all, and if anything happens just call the cops, and others with you v good news that dsis can be there.

Can't u reach WA either? they have places and all the support you need; it seems too many women need them to keep up with :(

can't wait to hear....

Hello all not been on for a couple of weeks. In a really dark place at the moment & really struggling to get through my days.

I've started a pattern changing course (or therapy as I call it) and I'm with a group of 11 other women who have all been abused. It is really making me face up to a lot of shit and I don't like it much. Things I have swept under the carpet for so many years and now coming back with a great big slap in the face. Meltdown on epic proportions especially this week :(

Hello Everyone. I'm back and determined to keep posting.

Yesterday I reached a real low point. My husbands EA is usually really subtle and it's the drip drip which has got to me. Has anyone kept a diary? I have decided that at some point I will leave. I just need to choose my time well. Would a diary count as evidence even though it's written by me. At the moment he is SAHD (6weeks in) until he gets a new job. Up until then he has been working away Mon-Fri so I was working FT and struggling with all the childcare etc. I've wanted to go part time (3.5 days per week) since I went back to work 12 months ago but DH has constantly said that it's not practical as we weren't sure about his work etc. Now I'm worried that if we split he would go for full custody and get it cos he's so persuasive. Even though the 2nd we spilt I'll be straight to my boss asking to go part time.

The thing that tipped me over the edge is really stupid. On monday night I was out with friends after work for a pizza. On Tues we were in the car and he made such a fuss about my breathe - opened the windows fully, asked me to talk in the opposite direction, frantically searching for chewing gum and loads of 'phoooooar' what did you eat last night comments. The really sad thing is that I purposely chose non-smelly garlic food. Yes he controls what I eat even when he's not there. I asked a close work friend who would be honest if I smelt and she said no and I believe her. I think it was just designed to belittle me and to stop me wanting to eat out with friends.

This evening he has been lovely. Even offering to bath and put DD to bed which never happens. And bought me a 'special lunch' for tomorrow. No doubt just to confuse me even more.

Just had to post tonight so that I keep logging what he says and does.

Sorry - it's long

You don't need any evidence to leave him or to divorce him...just real examples of unreasonable behaviour.

A diary is useful 1) for you to make it real
2) for use if DCs involved as a contemporaneous account for Cafcass to see
if deciding on access.
3) to help you/your solicitor to decide on the "unreasonable behaviour"

a diary will not be enough to prosecute for physical abuse in a criminal case...you need external verification for that (GP/AndE/police)

The actual process of divorcing can be fairly straight forward, as family courts don't want to make unhappy people stay married. The STBX is what makes it hard!

I was reminded of something reading all the recent posts - couldn't think what it was - finally realised it felt like Springwatch, waititng for the fledglings to take that leap...

Sounds kinda frivolous, but I thought also kinda appropriate

What is Cafcass?

I don't have physical abuse. Wish I did sometimes because at least I'd have something concrete that I can be certain about and that other people can see.

HearToday - :o Maybe inappropriate, but it did make me giggle!

Ana - best of luck with the job interview!

Shriek - was it you asked about the walking on eggshells thing? You know, I've read that phrase a lot of times on here and in Lundy's book, and I've always thought, "I don't do that - he's not a violent or scary type, my FW." But today, I was chatting with a friend about something years ago that I'd forgotten about and I realised that I'd been worried about doing something because of his reaction. I wasn't thinking for myself, just trying to secondguess him so that I didn't get it wrong. It was like looking eight years into the past and realising that I was scared then and I always have been. I'm just scared of his disappointment in me. He expects perfection (thinks he's perfect himself, of course), so I often fall short. It's one of those lightbulb moments. I do walk on eggshells and I didn't even know I did! (Who was it saying she probably was stoopid as her FW always told her? I know that feeling!!)

Anyway, I'm here for a rant, so be warned. Today's trip to the hospital seemed to confirm he's feeling better: he was negative from start to finish. It started with a lecture about how awful his morning had been in every way because I'd got there three hours later than I'd implied I'd get there (I'd actually said "morning" and got there at 1pm ). He'd got up all excited, got dressed specially, then when I didn't come and didn't come he felt worse and worse, decided I'd probably run off with someone else , decided I'd probably phoned the hospital and persuaded the doctor to say he wasn't ready to go home yet (yes, even that must've been my fault) so that I could start a new life while he was in there, decided that at the very least I must've had an accident on the way down there. I took this to mean I was selfish and unkind for changing my plans/not sending a text, but perhaps I'm reading into it.

So that was a nice start. A friend of ours had come with me (our lodger I mentioned before who I'm most likely going to have an affair with soon ) - he didn't mention the affair suspicions to him, at least, but the whole thing was pretty embarrassing nonetheless. Then he started on his disappointment that I hadn't completed the tasks he'd set me yesterday. No appreciation for the things I had done (it was an A4 sheet filled with notes), or acknowledgment that the things I had omitted were probably not easy for me to sort out anyway.

And ended our time there with annoyance that I'd got a TV and internet card for him with too much credit on it.

The unusual thing about all this is that I'm fuming about it! Maybe because someone was there to witness it all, although probably not, as he (afterwards) made excuses for FW and I played along, so no support there. I think the reason I'm feeling so angry is that I'm actually starting to believe (finally) that this really is EA. I'm thinking of so much now that I can't write it off even when others tell me I should. And it even seems deliberate on his part to some extent, which is the hardest pill to swallow.

Is it obvious I'm ranting from all the hmm faces?! :o

I'm scared of disapointment too. My husband also thinks he is perfect and thinks I always fall short. And always goes to great lengths to show me everytime I do something wrong - just to help me you know

Oh, and the comfort eating (or not) thing. For a month or two now, I've been coming down in the evening from putting the dcs to bed and having a packet of crisps or similar treat as a boost. The last couple of nights, I haven't felt the need to. This coincides with my decision to stop allowing FW to take up so much of my headspace and to actually get on with my life. Hopefully, as we gradually detach from our FWs, we'll need the comfort less and less.

Hey guys,

Matchstick that made me lol about the ring. I'm sure it was traumatic but it does seem pretty damn symbolic.
Hiked brand, if it sounds too good to be true maybe it is?
Welcome kimberlina, I am also fairly new to this.
It feels like I'm cheating on him because I look forward to getting online and I don't tell him about it.
Today he told me I had lines on my face and should do some facercise.
I clomped around all day feeling ugly.
My self esteem is pretty low.
He apologised tonight aft I had looked after dcs whilst he went to Kung fu.
My brother visiting tmrw but I haven't told him as dh can't stand him.
The sneaking around makes me feel ill but the fallout is worse.
Oops here he comes. Laters.

He's gone now to sleep in ds1 room where he's decamped to since d 2 was born so he can get his sleep!
What gets me is that some times he can be very nice but I know that come tmrw when he finds out my bro has visited it will be back to cold distant angry etc.
It's so hard to explain sensibly to my mom and bro that I have to se him when dh not here and I'm all wound up with anxiety getting the timing right.
Of purse brother wants to see him, says this is silly, has apologised but dh holds grudges.and brother will go back down south leaving me with the intubation here.
Surely it's not normal to have to scheme to see your family?

Kimberlina dh and I went out to dinner once and when I ordered seafood he actually got up from the table and left until I had finished.
He tells me things for my own bloody good all the time even though they make me feel crushed, worthless etc.
Says he does not want to praise me as it would be bad for my ego.
I like a sad little dog keep waiting for titbits of love and adoration.
I used to be a supremely confident woman.
And like Charlotte says I also walk on eggshells. I must not mention certain family members unless he does or my past as these subjects upset him.

charlotte I have to say if I had been your FW in hospital, I'd have texted you at about 11.30 to ask for an eta.

What I wouldn't have done is tell you all the paranoid thoughts I may (or may not) have had, after you arrived, And of course, I would not have expected you to feel sorry for causing that paranoia. He has disappeared onto his own planet, hasn't he?

Oh, thank you, silver, I really needed that reassurance this morning. He is on his own planet, isn't he? Do you know, he did text like that about half an hour before I got there:

Hey, what's up? Showered, shaved, dressed, properly, felt almost well, even said I'd try lunch. Was so excited u were coming & I'd have yr company (& my laptop when u'd gone). Now dejected, bored, lonely & feeling rough again. Nothing to read or do, no TV credit or appetite. Is everything ok? Sorry to be so needy. X

Wish I hadn't read that again. It's quite a pressure being so responsible for his mood - and he tells me I am, when he's not in hospital, too. AIBU?

Sorry, i need to write this down - don't feel you need to reply as I know we are all married to FW's who are all 'special' in their own ways!

I've been worrying (again) a little bit that maybe it's not bad enough to leave. It's so familiar (which I mistake for comfortable and secure)

Time and time again on MN and the EA websites I read about H's cutting their wife's contact with her friends and family, denying her money/being able to work. Mine's the total opposite there. We see my family a lot, He would send me out the door night after night with a wad of cash in my hands if he could.....or so he says. Easy to say when we are completely broke I guess. He can be sweet, affectionate and supportive....and I can sometimes be a bit of a cow, not often, I'm quite a steady, laid back person, but I'm guilty of saying horrible things sometimes about his (mad) family to him or criticising him occasionally.

With him though it's the constant drama, he dominates our lives with his problems, he is eaten up with paranoia (work, reputation, and sometimes appearance related) gets aggressive, punches himself in the head, punches doors, he has spat in my face a couple of times when I have angered him. He demands 100 percent devotion/attention and then has the nerve to tell me I'm boring as I don't have anything to talk about - that's because we only ever talk about him - he is not interested at all in anything to do with me other than highlighting my many failures, my lack of ambition, my untidyness, lack of organisation.....my drink problem. He is fixated with lists and organisation, as if trying to prevent anything going wrong in life. He often doesn't respond if I ask him something while he is absorbed in his work - he doesn't notice or is ungrateful for the things i do for him, we are broke even though we both work full-time. We have big problems with communication, often not knowing what the other means, we are completely dysfunctional.

He would find me abhorrent for bothering to write all this down, rather than doing something round the house.

I'm guessing it still is bad enough to leave, just needed to document how I'm feeling this morning somewhere.

Hope you all have good days :)

Total empathy for you ginga. My sister is not allowed in my home or to be mentioned. Her crime? To tell fw that I was infact a lovely person when he was running me down at a family do several years ago.my sister has offered an olive branch (not that she should) fw won't accept it. Have a good day everyone.

fraggle - you don't have to leave. I don't want to leave; that's how I think at the moment anyway. My FW sounds quite similar to yours except without the aggression (spitting in your face is absolutely vile and I would've thought could be documented with the police; the police certainly take a very dim view of it when it happens to them). What I'm not going to do, though, is ignore or minimise what's going on. Keep posting; keep detaching and observing. It's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do. As long as you allow yourself the right to change your mind in the future, I think that's all you can do. You are capable of making decisions for yourself and don't need MN, abuse experts or anyone else to make them for you. (Although, thanks to FW, you currently have little confidence in that ability.)

hilde - thanks, appreciate that. :)

newbe sorry to hear you're finding things so hard at the moment, I hope therapy starts to help you a bit. Please post more often if you want to.

Charlotte, no YANBU.

fraggle your NSDH sounds like mine in many ways.

Kimberlina, trust me, you don't want physical abuse. If your relationship is anything like mine - you'll be physically abused then told it didn't actually happen (despite the bruises) and then told it was your own fault and you started it. In my personal experience, physical abuse is like emotional abuse with a bit of visible bodily pain aswell. I used to think 'if he hit me I'd leave' but like everything in these relationships it isn't as simple as that.

NSDH was working late last night, and got home just before 11pm to give me a lecture about DD's dental hygiene. . He doesn't like the toothpaste I bought (I got it on offer at Wilkos) so he's 'done some research' and bought her some fancy stuff to 'sort out her teeth'. We (meaning I) need to ensure that she brushes properly and spits over the sink after. All his words, not mine. I pointed out that DD is only 20 months so how on earth could we communicate that to her, and as I do her morning and evening routine I'll be doing it the way I always have. He didn't like that and I don't care.

Goodness, what's wrong with her teeth?! DD3 who is 2 spits over the sink every time - nothing comes out of course cos she's already swallowed it, but one day she'll get it and till then she's doing the routine! :o

Just as well he didn't haul her out of bed there and then to ensure her dental hygiene! Could do with my NSDH worrying a bit more about his own, actually - brushes his teeth about twice a week .