Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Keep your distance hilde - the clue is in the 'might' help. He's not saying it will, which would make me wary.

gotta, hope you feel better after a lie down, my sister has IBS and suffers sometimes. Hugs.

Interesting that I'm not the only one fed the line 'if you had sex with me more I would last longer!'. It's only in the last week that I questioned this and only because I'm questioning everything with him right now. Is there any science to the claim? I highly doubt they only last minutes when they wank off .

Sorry, didn't mean the end of my last post to sound as crude as it comes across!

hilde,

his behaviour has killed a little something inside you. This is not a bad thing. it should mean that as you listen to your inner voice you will have some clarity. i expect that if you look at the reasons for him to come back all of them are due to circumstances, promises, children, convention etc. So, if you heed your still small voice you will be protected from doing the wrong thing...if he truly changes and realises what he has done then this little part will revive, if not, it won't....listen to it.

also:Assessment of change in abusive men: Bancroft And Silverman 2002

Assessment of change in an abusive partner should draw on multiple sources of information (not just self-report), and include attention to the following issues at a minimum:
Has he made full disclosure of his history of physical and psychological abuse? A perpetrator must overcome denial and minimization.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is unacceptable? We find that some perpetrators who claim to have changed continue to justify their past violent or abusive behavior, usually through blaming the victim,
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is a choice?
Does he show empathy for the effects of his actions on his partner and children? without shifting attention back to his own emotional injuries, grievances, or excuses.
Can he identify his pattern of controlling behaviours and entitled attitudes ?
Has he replaced abuse with respectful behaviours and attitudes?
Is he willing to make amends in a meaningful way? We have observed that abusers who are making genuine change develop a sense of long-term indebtedness towards their victims. This sense includes feeling responsible to lay their own grievances aside because of the extent of injury that the abuse has caused.
Does he accept the consequences of his actions?

stay strong Hilde and sorry your body is letting the stress out too.

yeah, I 'get' your feelings about this latest email from him hilde After a time I felt it took real demonstration of change, actions speaking louder than words, but there was never any 'action'.

"...[in many ways] EA is more psychologically harmful than physical abuse" (compassionpower.com) ... victims are more likely to blame themselves (unlovable, fat, ugly)... if you are 'walking on eggshells' enough said.

Anyone fancy voting on that one?

Does anyone here 'walk on eggshells'???

first vote: yep, I did still do

you seem to be 'into' looking after yourself hilde for your own benefit, enjoy the benefits :)

Am confused. Are there some namechanges I have missed? I really am going to have to start a spreadsheet to keep track...

I must confess the thought of a spreadsheet has crossed my mind once or twice!!!! I can be a little obsessive about organisation sometimes, all my baby names for DS1 were input into a spreadsheet...

Hope everyone is getting through the day. hilde, you sound positive and determined again, I'm glad. Both my counsellor and my friend said that I seemed more 'robust' at the moment. Although yesterday's 'incident' with NSDH upset me, I was glad that I was resolute in not seeing him, and calling him on his behaviour (and his inability to admit it).

hilde, I am with you on the eating less. I've been rather indulging myself in the last few months on the food and wine front - 'I'm so bloody miserable, I deserve to give myself a treat and something to look forward to... Mmmmmm come to Mamma, giant cream cake, yes I know I had a muffin at lunchtime but that was 3hrs ago...'. But it's got to stop. I was in 14s (just about), am now edging back towards 16. I've always had to keep an eye on my weight - gone up to size 20 a couple of times , which on my 5ft 2" frame just makes me look like a weeble. So. I really need to stop eating. If for no other reason than I can't afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in a size up! There. I've said it now. Maybe saying it out loud will help!!!!

Afternoon all, haven?t been able to visit since Monday as am incredibly busy, important and VERY STRESSED did you see what has been happening in the football, haven?t been able to stop reading about it at work.

This is probably totally inappropriate definitely, what am I thinking about but I have loved this thread. I have just read the last 4 pages and have laughed, cried and cringed (I have made a couple of these comments myself ? please don?t destroy me!).

Anyway this should be required reading for all men/boys/FW?s, especially those that have been to FW school ? I hear it is expensive ? not quite Eton but none the less?.

I apologise for butting in again and in all seriousness good luck, stay safe and continue supporting each other on here ? it is and you are amazing.

Ok I will be back on properly tomorrow, I have a job interview tomorrow that I'll be preparing for but just wanted to state here so I don't forget...

I have a job interview.

FW who works is familiar with my field. He could have provided practical, emotional and moral support. I wasn't expecting to get any, I have never asked for any. However, the fact that he's doing the complete opposite - not nothing - giving me more grief than anyone needs ahead of something like this. I would rather nothing whatsoever.

How textbook.

keep your fingers crossed I get it, and when FW is all of a sudden happy about it thanks to the salary it attracts, that he'll be sent to the far side of fuck.

I'm sorry I haven't responded, when this interview is completed, I will try and be more attentive!

Hey everyone, I've booked an appointment with citizens advice next week. I feel weird, like something is really driving me forwards this time, where all the other times I've just relented and made excuses. I think it's because I have finally realised there's no going back this time. He's mentally ill but I also think he might want it over too. He's away now for 10 days which is great.....but he'll be back.

does anyone know if you can view Lundy Bancroft's book online anywhere? Have always been too scared to order it here but am desperate to read it, especially the leaving safely chapter.

Thanks :)

I think that Should i stay or should I go is available as kindle or download, unfortunately "Why does he do that?" is not.

Good luck Ana! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!

Hilde I too am worried about Christmas. FW has said he wants to see DS every christmas day (I'd suggested we do alternate years) because it's SOOO important for DS to see his daddy on that day conveniently forgetting that last year he wasn't interested in spending much of Christmas day with DS and wouldn't come to park with us

So I've no idea what to do for Christmas.
What are you going to do then Hilde?

Maybe I shouldn't admit this but I'm the opposite when it comes to weight issues. When I'm stressed I stop eating. I just don't feel like it. I think I'm unconsciously trying to get control over something in my life but that makes it sound like I've got an eating disorder

Evening all!

Hope you are all ok Ana Good luck with the job interview - you will be fab!

Hilde Hope you are enjoying the !!! Have one for us!!

Shriek In answer to your poll, I am a professional eggshell walker!! sometimes runner!!

Fraggle Good luck with the CAB, it took me ages to get my ass to see them too but somehow recently found the strength, they arranged for me to have a free half hour session with a family law solicitor (who was consequently an expert in Domestic Violence ) She was really really helpful and I got loads of info and have her contact details for when the time is right to fly and I need legal help.

Talking of the CAB, they also gave me the name of a charity that provide benefits advice etc called Turn2Us. Spoke to them today actually and they were not that helpful for me. Actually they made me cry and feel like I will always be trapped. I have since contacted my local council to see if there is any way I can get a loan etc for a deposit/first months rent. Have been trying to get through to Womans Aid for ages now - weeks even - will keep trying.

In other news....had a long chat with my mum over phone last night and explained more about the financial situation - she told me to tell FW to F**K off!! She never swears so was quite funny but if only it was that easy! Also had a chat with Mother-in-law today too about the same issue and about him staying out again until all hours drinking etc. She has known this has happened in the past and said she just can't understand what he is doing to his family. Soooooo, I guess I am trying to prepare them both for when I do leave, however they do and I probably never will tell them the full extent of what I have had to/am dealing with - violence, sex pressuring and the more nasty sides of EA I experience most days. Just don't feel ready to share that bit yet if ever but feel better for laying the groundwork so they are not shocked when I do fly.

Finally, does anyone know of a good bank account to use? I want to set up a separate bank account and keep the card etc in my emergency bag incase FW takes my purse when things start coming to an end. Am gathering stuff little by little and hiding them away - just hope he doesn't go looking for our passports etc!! Oh god!!

Thinking of you all and chat more tomorrow, Hope all your evenings are going well x

Thanks Hilde, I might get it delivered to my mums and just read it round there. Simple when someone else suggests it! (maybe FW was right all along, I am stoopid!) Thanks Maggie, I'm nervous about it but hope it's going to be of use. Know what you mean about getting through to WA, I've given up!

Been really emotional today, keep wanting to crawl up into a ball. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of it being over, what is the fallout going to be, he's threatened to fight me all the way for the kids and I'm terrified. I know a lot of them threaten that and it's usually shallow threats, but my mum's freaked me out by telling me about a Sunday times article re charming abusers charming their way to full custody and the innocent mum never seeing her kids again, their minds being poisoned against her.

I'm just wondering if I should be logging the abuse at WA (if I could ever get through?) as proof.

Sorry Maggie forgot to say, I just applied for a barclays account where you can personalise your card with your own photos. You could have a pic of your dc's on there maybe - he might not realise what it is if he sees it as it's unusual.

Your chats with your mum and MIL sound very familiar to mine. Least your MIL accepts her son us being out of order. Mine rot of does then slips back into worshiping him mode!

Sort, not rot!

log the abuse with the police fraggle! Document it yourself, write down conversations, etc. and definitely report any pa to police. you can do that anon and get a ref number.

I feel so sad that you and Maggie are struggling to get your advocat and supporter :( do keep trying from WA. Very saddened also that turn2us upset so much, its always worth another try to get through to a different advisor. So important to get clear information/support.

Stay safe girls, be careful - trying thnk of passport cover - passports needed for all sorts of ID, like accounts/medical that could be 'given to mum to drop by for you' and not been returned yet? (IF absence is discovered).

thanks for poll result ;) ha ha! and for trying to include responses to all in midst of all your challenges! You give a sense of being set on your goal now girl. Go steady, gather all your resources.