He's just been to a nude lap dancing bar :(

[RunnyBum]

H just back from nude lap dancing bar, he has been on stag dos before and he knows I hate it. I'm gutted, he says I should forget this one "mistake" as he (allegedly) didn't has a private dance as he knows I would hate that. He claims he was just curious (inspite having been before and knowing all about it!!) Being in front of a naked woman that isnt me, for kicks just feels like cheating on some level. Oh and he wasn't on a stag tonight just out with a friend.

Found out as I Where's My Iphone'd him as he was meant to just be in our town, and I thought he'd be heading home.

We're meant to be going away on a romantic break in a few weeks, but a the minute I don't want him near me :(

How would u deal with this?

"You are very passive aggressive larry."

Put him in a neat box and hope he will go away.

You are just aggressive without any passivity at all!

But larry that is your opinion. There is no objective rule that reasonableness and relationship values should be determined "by society" it is simply your opinion and is not any kind of authority.

Offred,

Of course it is just my opinion. But would I be reasonable if I told my wife to wear a burqa or it would be a dealbreaker, for instance? Would it just be someone's opinion if they told me that I was being unreasonable?

What on earth do you think determines relationship values? Do you think they are entirely individual? If so, why are most people's so similar and vary according to the society in which they live?

larry are you suggesting that a woman I a relationship with children needs to reduce her boundaries? Maybe accept some things her husband does that she doesn't like in order to keep him.

I also wonder when I hear men talking like you do whether or not they discuss these matters with the wifem is your wife ok with lap dancing etc. Or are these topics that you wouldn't discuss. My dp knows my boundaries. And I would happily chat about the sex industry andd hear his views. Which by the way would not be like yours.

Offred, I know how you feel.

Yesterday Larry accused me of wearing skimpy clothing in order to get my dinner paid for by a man. And apparently, that's just the same as being a lap dancer.

Er, yes relationship values should be entirely individually determined. I find it crazy that you live your whole life without using your own brain.

Larry, yes of course relationship values are individual.

Are you living in some bizarre parallel universe? Women don't live in a world where they have to put up with a man's behaviour in order to feed their children anymore, Larry.

*bad behaviour

We've talked about deal breakers before, elsewhere; I thought the summary was that while people keep talking, and may initially know deal breakers, more may become apparent.

You won't always know what a deal breaker is until it happens, so it's a bit facile to say that you can set them out.

Wouldn't occur to me that animal cruelty was a deal breaker, because it would never occur to me that DW was a dogbeater... if she became one, it would be.

larrygrylls talked about demanding his DW wore burqua; he could demand that. I assume in this society she'd tell him to take a hike, and it could be a deal breaker for him... that's his problem, not mine, nor his wife's. She could say to him "Wow, sleazebag, visiting lap-dancing bars is a deal breaker.." if he does, and she decides it's over, that's her decision, not mine or his...

DW wouldn't tell me going to a lap-dancing bar would be a deal breaker. Why? Because she knows I wouldn't.

OP has to decide what she wants to do.
he has been on stag dos before and he knows I hate it. I'm gutted, he says I should forget this one "mistake" as he (allegedly) didn't has a private dance as he knows I would hate that. He claims he was just curious (inspite having been before and knowing all about it!!) Being in front of a naked woman that isnt me, for kicks just feels like cheating on some level.

Sounds like she's made views pretty damn clear - and he doesn't respect them, or he doubts her willingness to sanction...

It's not a deal breaker after 13years and with two DDs 5 and 2, as it can't be, it just leaves me sad this isnt the man i dreamt of being with. Nobody is perfect but this just leaves me a bit uneasy so we'll just have to see how things go. He says he won't do it again as it upsets me so much (what else could he say!). That said he finished work early the other day and went to the casino, I found out as he dropped his money withdrawal receipt on the floor.....

He has turned off his find my iPhone app, which I don't care about as it was horrible to find out that way. I genuinely only looked for innocent reasons and I don't want to check on him constantly - as now I would have reason too. Foolishly or not I need to learn to trust him again.

I probably won't write again and will change my nickname. I dont want to be drawn into the debate, and as I feel weak and embarrassed about the whole thing.

Thanks to those who offered advice. X

And Larry, you seem a little caught up in the notion of a man buying a woman a drink in a bar. It is fine for a man to offer a drink to another customer in a bar - personally I don't accept drinks from strangers, but if I did, there is no way that it would be in any way comparable to a man going to a lap dancing club.

The difference is that the in the bar scenario the woman can a] Refuse b] Accept. They are on a equal footing as both are paying customers in a bar (where the only thing for sale are drinks).

In the lapdancing club scenario the man and the lapdancer are not on an equal footing. He is a paying customer and she is the 'service'.

Runnybum, I really hope you have your own independent finances or that you are very well-off. Otherwise how long can you put up with a man who uses family money to look at other women's fannies and to gamble?
Wishing you best of luck xx

onemorechap - well put.

Runny - hope you work things out in a way that is right for you. I think with stuff like this one's reaction is personal, and is going to be based on more than just the bare facts. We all have gut feelings about relationship issues, and our guts are rarely wrong.

My H has been to lap dancing club on a work night out. I wasn't thrilled but I was reassured by the fact he a) told me, and b) found the evening awkward and embarrassing, and has never shown any desire to repeat it.

I have learnt the hard way that it's the quiet mousey girls in the office that pose a threat to a long marriage, not lap dancers.

I think a man's attitude to these places is a bigger issue than whether or not he has ever indulged so to speak.

It's not a deal breaker after 13years and with two DDs 5 and 2, as it can't be

Yes and I imagine your husband knows that too.

He says he won't do it again as it upsets me so much (what else could he say!)

Well he could have said that he'll never do it again because he objects to LDCs and what they represent, as well as his regret that his actions have upset you so much but as he's also gambling your money and keeping secrets from you, I don't suppose you would have believed him.

You can't make yourself trust an untrustworthy person. All you can do is turn a blind eye and develop a defence mechanism where you bargain away all your inner voices and live a very inauthentic life.

But be aware that this is an active choice you are making. If and when his secrets and lies get worse, realise that the clues were all there and you could have once acted to make a better life for you and your daughters.

"Er, yes relationship values should be entirely individually determined."

Really?!

So values among the Amish are very similar than among the feminist boards of MN. And infidelity has the same weight in France and the UK as a relationship breaker. And of course these values have all been decided individually entirely uninfluenced by the societal values around them.

Entertaining banter though all this maybe, sadly it has usurped the OP's predicament somewhat. Wonder if this is the tip of the ice-berg? Casino after work found out rather than mentioned, turning off phone app. This lap-dance visit was on a casual night out rather than in male celebration and I get the feeling that the OP may be setting it with other things that she is not happy about within the relationship, that have yet to be mentioned but cause concern. I may be wrong, but it is just a feeling, the undertone of what the OP has posted about feeling weak. Sorry OP think this thread has done a disservice to you and been taken over by people who like to voice their opinions rather than give help and advice.

I'd feel perfectly entitled to go out and have a one night stand if my husband went for a lapdance. I really don't see what he could complain about.

.... wonder if the phrase "might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" occurs to those men who consider going to lap dancing clubs...

I just don't see the appeal of male or female strippers tbh. If you want to look at other people naked, maybe consider you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. If you want to open the relationship up on both sides / end the relationship then that's probably the right way to go.

well, I'm a non-lap-dance supporter so I'd tend to go along with that

Sorry op, just caught your last post and I'm being insensitive. This isn't really the place for my views. Hope you are ok.

OP. One thing I don't understand about the ending of your story is how you are supposed to trust someone who, as a first move, turns off his iPhone app that shows where he is. That's quite bizarre. Surely as a first move, when attempting to rebuild trust, the breaker becomes completely transparent, even if it just stops the constant questioning. I would have thought that was a given.

Op, you seem unhappy and powerless in your relationship in more ways than one. That is no way to live. Don't accept shoddy treatment for the sake of being with a bloke who sounds like a poor sort of partner and father

I have to say I luuuurrrrrve the idea of using Where's my phone to find my husband, it's piggin' brilliant!!! He can't talk when riding his bike and gets home very hungry, bit moany, so now I can track him and shove food at him as soon as he gets in the door! (not 1950s housewife)

OP, about this:

"He has turned off his find my iPhone app, which I don't care about as it was horrible to find out that way."

I dont check up on my h after his infidelity either. And neither of us use the app you mention.

But I would be a bit unhappy if my h turned it off straight after I had complained about his behaviour, because it suggests that he doesnt want to take the chance of being found.

In fact, it was what my h did when he used to 'accidentally' change his password/his web home screen or whatever, after I had found some more dodgy evidence.

He does sound secretive, and that isnt good in itself.