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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

got a date tonight and I'm getting nervous!

363 replies

CrispyHedgehog · 24/09/2012 16:50

help!!!!

OP posts:
CrispyHedgehog · 02/10/2012 22:16

yes he did.
I didn't say a word to him. Just left the room. I was scared, shocked. He had this odd intensity.. menacing is the best way to describe it I think. You know how you can feel threatened even without someone speaking?

He insisted on dropping me home, said he needed the loo. Came in, had a soft drink, watched a bit of tv.. it was batman. Then he fell asleep.. wouldn't wake up so after a while i put a blanket on him and went up to bed. At this point I wasn't scared of him , just knew i didn't want to see him again. woke up to him pulling my pyjmas off and pushing himsefl into me. My voice woudn't come out and i just froze

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 02/10/2012 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 22:32

O Crispy, I wish I could give you a real ((hug)). You must have been absolutely terrified. Jeez, I want to take him down so fucking badly Angry

Please please please don't worry about giving your statement to the police. Sapphire officers are specially trained to deal with victims of sexual crime and the officer who is allocated to you will support you throughout until to the conclusion of your case and will work alongside a sexual offence trained officer (SOIT) during any investigation.

If you don't want to give your statement in front of a male officer who will also be specially trained, that won't be a probem - just say you'd prefer to have only women in the room when you give your account.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2012 22:32

oh, crispy Sad

vile "man"

NicholasTeakozy · 02/10/2012 22:39

Hello Crispy, I've just caught up with your thread. I'm appalled but not entirely surprised by this 'mans' actions. His insistance on PDAs reminds me of a thread that was pulled last week. I might have copied it if you want to read it, your thread made me think of it and made me angry.

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 22:44

Please write out the list of things that are important for the police to know and add the fact that he told you he'd changed his surname some time ago.

Crispy, surely his menacing demeanour, the odd intensity, you were exposed to is sufficient for you to know that he meant to rape you and that he knew what he was doing was wrong.

aleene · 02/10/2012 22:46

His behaviour was vile. Wish I could give you a big hug.

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 22:47

Have you by any chance not yet washed the sheets and pyjamas you were wearing that night?

aleene · 02/10/2012 22:47

Crispy, you don't have to answer this but do you think he was really asleep? i wonder if he engineered it so you would leave him and go to bed. Again, don't answer if you don't want to.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2012 22:52

that occurred to me too, aleene

CrispyHedgehog · 02/10/2012 22:57

Can ypu see now why i'm scared f not being believed or taken seriously? i fucked up by not reacting proerply
I binned evrything, even the glass and plate he used. made me sick to have those things in the hosue. as it is everything still feels contaminated and dirty
on reflection now i think he was prtentidng to be asleep. im just so fucking naive and stupid and gullible.
nickolas I'd appreciate reading that, thak you

OP posts:
CrispyHedgehog · 02/10/2012 22:58

fuck sory typos

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/10/2012 23:01

crispy, we have read what you said and we believe you

the professionals will too, because they have experience of how these abusers work

how the fuck were you to know he would do what he did ?

no normal bloke would do that, only a rapist would do that and he didn't have a sign on his head saying "watch out, I'm a rapist"

AnyFucker · 02/10/2012 23:03

the professionals you have spoken to so far have not given any indication of disbelief, have they ?

they may say the "burden of proof" is difficult but that is not the same as not believing you

tschiffely · 02/10/2012 23:04

echo what AF says. You have reacted normally to an horrific situation, you want to get rid of everything associated with this. The police will have seen this happen before.

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 23:05

It's probable that he was faking sleep but, although she may do so now, Crispy clearly didn't suspect that at the time, aleene.

If Crispy didn't go to greater lengths to wake him up and, by default, allowed a man she had only known for a short period of time to stay over, I suspect this may have something to do with her reasonable expectation that throwing a blanket over a paramedic who was asleep on her sofa/in a chair and taking herself off to sleep in her own bed would pose no risk to herself.

aleene · 02/10/2012 23:05

What AF said. You are none of those things you described. You can't predict someone's bad intentions. Please look after yourself and let the professionals help you. They will have seen and heard it all before, right down to throwing the plate out.

aleene · 02/10/2012 23:07

izzy, I don't think for a minute that Crispy thought so at the time. sorry Crispy, I am not meaning to make you doubt yourself in any way.

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 23:15

Don't beat yourself up for doing what so many rape victims instinctively do in ridding yourself of all physical reminders of that experience, Crispy.

The fact is that had you not junked those items and had your GP secured forensic evidence that intercourse had occured, it would STILL come down to question of your word against his because, with very few exceptions, rape is a witnessless crime

izzyizin · 02/10/2012 23:28

Please accept my assurance that I know you weren't trying to put any doubts in Crispy's mind, aleene, and please accept my apologies if you formed any impression to the contrary.

aleene · 03/10/2012 00:40

izzy, that is very nice of you to say.

Crispy, I don't know the timescale of what happens now but I wish you all the strength you need ( and you have lots, you have shown that already).

CurrentBun · 03/10/2012 00:53

Crispy. I am mortified reading this thread. You poor poor thing, you are so brave and I want to give you a big hug.

I re-read the beginning of the thread where you said you had been exchanging texts with him over the weekend prior to meeting. Do you still have the texts he sent and your responses? These may help when speaking to the police.

izzyizin · 03/10/2012 02:59

Crispy, honey, your fears are misplaced. The police WILL believe you just as we've believed you from the outset - where, if you look back, you'll find you didn't say very much at all but you didn't need to because we know that no woman in her right mind would make a false claim of rape and, although it may not seem that way to you at times, if there's one thing you are it's in your right mind.

As for having 'fucked up by not reacting properly', there is no 'proper' way to react to having been raped. As the police and other authorities are well aware, every victim of this heinous crime reacts differently.

I also want to disabuse you of any notion that you are 'naive and stupid and gullible'. How long is it since you joined mumsnet? No-one who reads the Relationships and AIBU boards can stay in a state of ignorance or unsullied bliss for very long. The mentally sick, the twisted, the perverted... all huMAN life is here and a day on this board is worth a year poring over psychiatry/psychology tomes - and a helluva lot more amusing educational. Smile

If you were naive or gullible or stupid or all 3 on that night, Crispy, it was because you dropped your guard for one reason, and one reason only: he abused the trust that ANY WOMAN, or any man for that matter, would unquestionably place in a PARAMEDIC.

He takes advantage of his position as one of society's widely regarded heroes to take advantage of those women that he deliberately targets because he knows he possesses the physical power to easily overcome their resistance to his sexual advances.

He's certainly cunning but, given that many perpetrators convict themselves within a short time of being taken to a police station for questioning, it remains to be seen if he's clever - and it may transpire that he's too clever for his own good.

But having cautioned you not to do so, I'm in danger of getting ahead of myself Smile as it may be that the result of you making a statement could fall far short of what you hope/fear may happen.

It that should occur, please rest assured that it WON'T be because one or more police officers don't believe you. It WILL be because the CPS, in their infinite wisdom Hmm decide there is insufficient evidence to prosecute.

As AF has said, there is the not inconsiderable matter of 'burden of proof' and it won't be in your best interests for the powers that be to proceed to a trial where the presumption is that a 'not guilty' verdict is something of a foregone conclusion.

Again, this wouldn't mean you have not been believed - far from it, honey, and if this should occur it's likely that those who've heard your testimony will be determined to nail him a future date tearing their hair out.

What I'm trying to say in my usual long-winded manner is that, no matter what the outcome, making a statement to the police will put you in a win-win position and, even if he is not brought in for questioning, you can rest assured that his card will be well and truly marked for reasons that I will expound on in a later response.

This will be the first time you have talked about your ordeal in rl to those who are specially trained to hear you and act on what you are saying. You will find it at times a relief to be able to unburden yourself and at times distressing as you re-live what he did to you, but you will also find it empowering to have dug deep and found the courage to do what naice well-mannered girls are brought up to do - which is tell the truth and shame the devil Grin

Before you go to give your statement later today. I strongly urge you to write out a short account of the events of that night incorporating the, now 8, points I've outlined together with any others that come to your mind, and take it with you as a reminder of the salient facts which are key to any subsequent police investigation

It can be the case that victims feel inhibited or intimidated by the very fact that giving a statement to the police is not an experience they are accustomed to. When giving your account, take your time. When asked questions, don't rush to answer; think about what you've and if you can't recall/don't know, don't be afraid to say so. You have NOTHING to fear, honey, as I know your honesty will shine through.

My apologies again to aleene - in my anxiety not to put, or have words put, into your mouth, Crispy, I didn't appreciate how rude and overbearing my response to her post must have appeared to others.

Given my advice for you to write down certain key points, that may come across as gross hypocrisy on my part but my concern is that you should give your account in your own words while not omitting anything which can assist the police in establishing this man's modus operandi.

You're not going to be alone, Crispy, we are all going to be with you - reach out and draw on our strength and you'll feel our hands holding yours.

izzyizin · 03/10/2012 03:38

I've just re-read my above response. 17 paragraphs each containing far too many lots of words

If written by AF, it would be 17 sentences each containing not much more than half a dozen words

How does she do it? Hmm

RecklessRat · 03/10/2012 06:10

crispy

Just to say I'll be thinking of you today (along with everyone else on here, no doubt). I really admire your courage.