does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

[allchangeplease]

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago , though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

How old is your child/children? And how old are you?

Because tbh, it's a bit wild if you're obsessing over a guy this way.

I can't imagine doing this now, frankly. I'm 41 and have two young children and believe me, if I found myself single tomorrow, I couldn't be arsed wasting time on some bloke who's so obviously not that interested in me.

Desperate is the word that springs to mind.

Wow. Did I just read that? 8 pages about a man who has given you the brush off and who is unlikely to give you a second thought.

This is not adult, mature behaviour. Leave the poor man alone. Stalking his profile when he has not pursued your approach to him is creepy. I honestly do not mean to offend but you sound a little neurotic. People are not objects of status, wealth and challenge to be obtained. You meet someone, you are attracted, you get along, you build on that. People are people. The only leagues are in your head. You are coming across a bit 'keep up with the Jones' and a bit Hyacinth Bucket. Who cares if he's a poet or has a posh voice or is comfortable financially? It says more about you being a snob than him. Keep looking!

Why not just go meet a man in real life? I don't get 'online dating'. I tried it once, about 12 years ago, when I was single and childfree and even then it was full of weirdos and creeps and just freaks. I was far better off going out and pulling, then I could at least say I'd actually met the guy.

If single again, and needing it, I'd wait till I was without children for a night or two and find someone in real life. Or work on finding someone in real life.

I don't get why it's hard. Even married with kids, I've been at events and been propositioned by others in similar situations, at fairs and such. Hell, even when my daughter was lying very ill in hospital, there was one whom I saw often in the canteen who eventually struck up conversation off his own back and still another who saw me later, by chance, as I'd also seen him by chance once before, to strike up conversation and offer his personal contact details.

And I am not beautiful, rich, well-connected or anything like that, far from it. I'm over 40 and cover my grey and have three deep lines in my forehead.

This guy isn't into you. Why not back off the dating sites and focus on real life?

I typed a long reply and then i posted it on wrong thread!

Anyway, i was asking if you are a poet too. Because you don't sound very pragmatic.

The guy wants something specific. You have something different to offer. Many men want that one. Then try to meet them and not the one who is looking for the only thing you don't have because that will fuck your self esteem.

Mostly likely he doesn't really exist. An eligible bachelor on a dating site, not even subscribing? Talks on the phone, and won't meet.

From bitter experience, I'd say he is a load of bollocks.

He's 50. C'mon.

Get together with your friends and go out on the pull.

Don't be ridiculous!

I can't imagine chasing a 50-year-old or even a 60-year-old and either one would be in my age range if I were single. This latest who offered me his details I ran into in a mall, fgs, with my daughter in a food court, him waiting for a text from his teenage son off perving girls, his teenage daughter off on a residential school trip, and he's a bloody consultant! He's only 48, and he's still 7 years older than I am, fgs. LOL!

Honestly, get a hobby or something.

Probably so, Sarah! All made up crap.

It's funny, meeting people. For so long I was a tear-soaked mess. I looked wretched; I was too skinny; I wore a permanent look of depression. Having a photo taken for a rail card - I was really shocked by the woman who looked back. I looked haunted. Yes, I was lonely, hurt, feeling dreadfully ugly. But I didn't concentrate on meeting someone. Instead I joined loads of things, pushed myself even though I would go home and cry my eyes out.

Then I started to see the world again, show people that I was in it. I met a gorgeous writer by interviewing him. Instant spark, very flattering. He had a girlfriend so despite his interest, that was an absolute no-no. Recently I had a man come to do work on my house. (For all those who are thinking bad 80s porn...no he was NOT a plumber.) He was truly very cute - younger than me, very big honest eyes and ehem...he may have had a fit body. Not sure if I looked. OK, I looked.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend/partner and for a few brief seconds, I felt a bit teenage. Then he left something behind at my house and he has just picked it up this morning (yes, it does still sound like 80s porn). Seeing him again I was struck by how sweet he was, how totally unsuitable perhaps but it was lovely to have someone see me and possibly not think I look completely like a roadkill monkey.

I still don't have interest or trust in men, but it is lovely to be out in the world and have interest. It feels exciting to play with those possibilities....even though I am pretty sure that I am never going to have a relationship.

For some people, Internet dating will work out but I am old-fashioned, I think. I have read too much classic literature and I am looking for a dashing man of depth. Preferably in a tailcoat. Or perhaps Bernard Cumberpatch. I want the intellect, the wit, the interest. I don't feel that going on a website where men 'wink' at you in Benny Hill style is for me.

expat, what you say about the age range has been an...... issue for me. I'm 42, but I am fit and healthy and have worn sun screen every day for 20 years! I exercise, I drink moderately, I dress well, I may not be beautiful but I make the best of what I got,,,,,,,,,,,, so........... do I really have to date 50 year olds??

ps, it can be hard to drum up a posse of single girlfriends who are all free on the same night to go out and let it all happen a bit more naturally! I have two single friends. Both also mothers like me. I know they would both like to meet somebody but they're both also tied by their kids and babysitters and so on. Married friends would (i feel) judge me a bit for wanting to 'get pulled' if we were on a night out. I think that if I let it be known amongst my married friends that I were happy to be chatted up on a night out, they'd view me as a bit of a loose cannon and start watching that I didn't chat to their husbands for too long! ridiculous I know but..... just a feeling.

Anybody who says he wants someone with a good stable social circle as part of his (impertinent? superficial?) criteria would be better of subscribing to Horse&Hounds. Maybe he'd meet a nice mare there ... .

maybe he hasn't got a stable circle of ponies himself?! maybe he wants to trot into a ready made circle of posh English ponies.

Or maybe it is sex-speak for the fact he likes to dress up as a horse and be paraded around the room. Being whipped perhaps.

But clearly not a stable relationship and a man who wants his oats. Who wants to be saddled with that? I am hoarse with telling you he's not for you!

(rolls on floor)

LizLemon are you me? I am 42 IMHO in good knick ; ) and I find myself (and I use the word in a very loose sense) a bit of a magnet for the over 50 brigade and the under 30s....seems men my age are either after a younger demographic or emotional fuckwits. I live in hope though ....

Lemon and Downunderdolly, well, you both sound very similar to me i.e. well-preserved early 40s, with the same issues of meeting men in RL - I really don't have single friends to go on the pull with, they aer all partnered, and what I attarct online aer men under 30 (also in RL!) or 50+.
expat, I am determined to join more things in RL, what sort of fairs do you mean out of curiousity? art/craft? Still you must me a man magnet with all these men propositioning you in malls, hospitals, etc! Do you flirt? do you approach them yourself? the danger with that is, they may be married.
Lemon I hear you, he may not be for me, I said in my Op that he nay be an arse in RL and all I wanted is a chance to see for myself. Again to the strange posters who say I'm stalking him! I contacted him twice and he replied to the second one with vague promise to subscribe and write back, and I'm not planning to write again, so please calm down. I'm really not obsessed, I wrote mainly to ask whether he's worth meeting if he does write to me, or is it better not to. If he writes and wants to meet, I'll report, but the constructive posters aer now pursuading me that I shouldn't even waste my time on that as he has rigid criteria, ok I prob won't!
I do chat to others online, but so far much older men, or those with incompatible lifestyle, and I've put 'above 36' (I have enough looks from then in RL but ime young guys are not ltr material). ]expat do give me tips or how you interact, as obviously it works for you! I'm after positive advice.

I don't actually mind older men but he has to be right.

@ Horse&Hounds and dressing up as horse !

expat, are Scottish men much more straight forward and approach women easily, or have you been a man nagnet in england too?

Punk, yes, it's great you are starting to get the taste for life again! It's often very much about demeanour, I've been told i come across as too cool and indifferent to new men, well until I start interacting properly, which funnily enough seems to attract much younger guys, but not the rest, also people assume I have a bf due to my age being over 35 and the coold demeanour. The whole point of internet is that people know you are available, but I need to learb how to send these signals in rl, which obviuosly expat is so good at!

@ allchangeplease, i hear you. Not a deal breaker for me either IF he's right, just slightly :-/ hmmm if your own age is no longer even an option !!?

I think in real life, men my own age would notice me (maybe only a glance) but I think on the internet they would not 'tick my box'. ykwim!? and yet, there they are on the internet cos they can't find a date either....

expat, are Scottish men much more straight forward and approach women easily, or have you been a man nagnet in england too?

In my experience, very straightforward - the courting technique of the average one past 30 seems to be to stare psychopathically at you for a while then if you don't look away, to march over and offer you their phone number. Alternatively, when driving on the motorway, they may alter the pace of their vehicle so as to prevent you from successfully overtaking them, and follow you to the next service station (has happened to me twice, bleurgh, and double bleurgh, but yes, OP, certainly very straightforward).

actually I think there are leagues.

League 1 - those with their own hair and teeth, walk unassisted
League 2 - those without, who don't.

At this point in my life I find League 1 attractive.

Who is this guy? Shall we all try to meet him?

ps, yes, i had a guy of 34 message me last year when I was 41 so age gap 8 years. But tbh, I was a bit confused. I just thought, I've got two children, I can't pretend to be hip and free.. I dress quite trendily, but I don't know anything about music. A 34 year old would scare me I think! And with my people pleasing history, I would be scared I'd get locked into this charade of pretending to be young at heart. I want to 'own' being 42. I don't want to apologise for it. I think, knowing myself, that if I went out with a younger man I might tie myself up in knots over being older than him. (I'm not talking about 18 months or 2 years here).

my maths is shit yes. well spotted!