does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

[allchangeplease]

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago , though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

theoriginal voice of experience, eh? I thinkit would work, if I still want to try it with him (if he responds) but he nay be too insightful to see the game! I'm not generally into game plaaying but I agree it works for many!

articulated - articulate!

Hello allchange sorry I really didn't mean to be unfair or coming across as belittling in any way. Sorry for that.

I haven't used any specific example. I meant you find this so called women marrying-up everywhere on all social strata all the way up into the Royal circles, look across Europe not only the UK....

allchange i would find it easier to repsond and comment, if you would be maybe a little bit more specific with what you mean when you say and describe as

posh
soft-spoken
wealthy
educated
and the part with network and family situation

and where you would place yourself etc.

Would you maybe elaborate on that a little bit more, maybe then your worries could be better understood?!

I was AMAZED to hear from a guy in his 20s though, who was after me, that now he's looking for attarctive women, but once he marries it will be a posh suitable wife.

This is not new and literature is full with these social descriptions....and this is NOT unique to the UK.

by the way, I am non-British also, if this matters.

... Posh and suitable ... does not exclude attractiveness though

I know it's not unique to the UK, but in other countries the snobbism/exculisions are based on wealth, pure and simple. Or intellectual snobbism. I have no problem with that as people who are wealthy but have no taste or are successful bullies/spoilt rich kids wouldn't attract me at all.

In the UK there is a whole big group of non-wealthy posh, been to public/boarding schools for few generations in the family, and that's where I find my rare type, not all posh aer attractive to me at all (as many are simply not intelligent but entitled), but the sensitive well-spoken type with good manners and not intense/single-minded in the way successful businessmen are. I normally meet these rare men in arty sort of surroundings (though not artists themselves). It appeals to me that they are elegant and just so gentle and nice and speak in trad English whch I happen to like the spound of, but they also seem kind and gentle. I'm not after other types of public school guys (say, shallow jolly types).

Network and family is of course people they went to school with or met throug their parents who made an effort to teach them to stick to their own type. These guys are usually not single as the strong/confident women from same social group already took them 'in hand', so the guy online seemed an exception being single. The sort of have this barrier of the people they socialise with almost protecting them from anyone different and they are shy with women so wouldn't just appriach you boldly if you are not in hteir circle or work togehter. But honestly, this preocccupied me [reviously more and the guy just reminded me, but I'm not single-minded, you have to be philosophical. As I say I never had a relationship with one.

btw I don't find it usual for a guy (who is nowhere near Royal or in public eye, or wealthy at all)( to be so uppity about women, don't you think it's strange that in this day and change he wouldn't choose a woman who is attarctive and has the good qualities (loving, honest, intelligent, maybe even educated but non=public school) over just someone who went to a boarding school and has 'good family', I think it's insane, and purely a UK phenomenon. In euro countries it may be wealth that makes people worry someone is after their money, but these guys don't have money and some women aer pure gold without the 'right background' (not me I hasten to add).

'this day and age' - and I'm talking about that guy in his 20s.

I am sorry allchange I cannot help you or give you advice. by the sound of it, I seem to look at men differently, not so much in these types, categories and descriptions, which don't seem to reflect lots of personal deep interaction, communication and simply friendship with the type of men you like.

You seem to be far away from truly knowing who they are, it seems to me you are in love with an idea.

I am sorry

no need to apologise world. As I say, I indeed don't know these guys closely purely as I never was given/had a chance to get to know them, which is a bit upsetting what with all the barriers. Of course once in relationship I focus on deep interaction, communication etc. and i had ltr's and marriage behind me, but it never comes to this stage with that type. I wish i did as indeed I may stop to fantasise as it could well be disillusioning.

... I never was given/had a chance to get to know them, which is a bit upsetting what with all the barriers ...

^^^^^ This is your problem. Your view on things is your barrier, nothing else, if I may say this.

MN Thread-Mismatch of intelligence, culture, class. Can it work?

thanks for the link, will havea look. I don't understand what do you mean though - that I should approach these men regardless of their attitudes or fear of those, as they simply do not approach women who they don't know themselves (or at least work with). I have no access to their groups either, so even if I wanted to I don't have an opportunity. I'm not brave enough to go to the posh pubs and approach men . I could ask the nice young guy I mentioned (recently met, and have his card) out for a coffee but he is very young, feel that he will not say 'no', not sure what would be the point though with that age gap.

allchange I am not really saying anything at all, only that being "starstruck" and not even knowing much about your desired group of men and not even having any true personal connection and friendship...is the main issue and nothing else...as of now.

This is also not normal behaviour and maturity level for your age and for your level of relationship experience.

Here is no issue of you being non-native British...or not used to a class society like the UK (after 20 years you should be full immersed yourself already)...or you having no family ties, or not having been formally schooled in the UK etc.

No, the issue is your fantasy. And I mean this in a very nice way. I don't know how else to say it.

I think some posters are being hard on the OP here. Posting about something, looking for perspective on it is not proof that she's obsessed with this guy, or obsessed with class and / or where she falls on the food chain! ykwim?

Liz I don't feel I fall into that category, though?

thank you Liz!
I'm very analytical by nature, worldcitizen, and if I can't work something out about people I analyse until I really GET IT. I haven't understood these men's mentality, because how can I if I donj't get the opportunity to get to know them as thye are stand-offish or just let you know at the outset that they aer after a fling (so I don't get involved)?? I fully admitted that I know it s a fantasy, surely you imply that I have no idea that it is! I'm really just discussing and trying to understanding, I do not act on it in RL. I have relationships with other grups of men. Some womenb may fabtasise about fatastically fit/athletic men but those men are unavailable to them (say if a woman is not confident about her looks) - I've beeen with those and I know it;s no big deal/no guarantee of better sex so there's no myth. While there is a mystery there is a desire to analyse. The guy omline triggered the thinking and puzzling again, but as i say I'm not led by this in Rl and don't just sit and think of these guys on regular basis! I'm actively looking to meet a man wjho will be good for me.

OP, if you are so interested in this specific type of genre, why on earth don't you take up a hobby where you are likely to meet them? Such as pheasant shooting, or equestrian. Or why don't you work your way into some of their social circles through charity dinners, committees, etc.?

It seems an unusually specific interest I must say, although I don't think this type are particularly inaccessible

Its certainly possible to do it - I know one of these types who has just married a single mother of 3 whose first language is not English. She is however an artist (of sorts) and 27 years younger than him. And tbh I wouldn't want him, as apart from being in his late sixties, he is too full of himself and talks incessantly about himself.

here we go, the guy I've met few days ago is asking me out to dinner now. He is by the way a very old school sort, public school etc, not too wealthy (which is a plus), and I'd be so glad if I managed to fancy him, the age gap doesn't help either. I don't though, not sure whether this can ever change? I wouldn't say no to friendship, but he is obviuosly attarcted and wants more, what to do. Life, eh? Liz, what do you think - did the attarction grow with your guy or was it there at once?

oh yes, that's a classic I mentioned - after having children with the right wife, the old man can afford to go for a young final wife of whatever background . No, I wouldn't want an lod man either, gee.
geegee, I'm not even slightly capable of riding or shooting, really too sensitive and scared of falling off horses/hurting animals. I go for more gentle arty types, not sporty ones. Charities maybe, but how do you get into these? I'd really have to be on a mission though for all the long road this would be!
world, sorry for horrid typos in the last post to you, was very distracted!

allchange you seem upset about my responses. I am sorry. I would like to repeat again, that none of what I wrote is meant to be rude or belittling.

I am not imlying that you have no idea, rather the opposite, I find this level of fantasy sort of odd.

I also find strange that you do have experiences with them, where you find them stand-offish and you know they are only after a fling....so what is it that you would want more from them, then?

It almost sounds like you would want to force yourself on them. Sort of an attitude of 'I have soooooo much to offer, beyond attractiveness, please look at me differently as I can give you so much'...and I find this for your age and your relationship history slightly immature, that's what I am trying to say.

And maybe that's how you would come across with the as well, subconsciously.

I am trying to be helpful. And giving you feedback might open up some ideas for you, where it could be going wrong for you. But of course, please don't take it all to heart. Pick and choose what suits you best. I don't mean anything bad

allchange it sounds you are looking for a a man suitable for marriage and starting a family etc.
But what do you have in common with these men.
You're too embarrassed to frequent their pubs/clubs. You don't seem to share most of the leisurely interests. You are not really friends with the female version of that desired group. You have ideas, but not much personal interaction and the list goes on.
Seriously, I could never see myself with a man who would be so far away from my lifestyle and my social group, if he would mostly admire me and "my kind" from afar...I would call this being starstruck...and you might be perceived as odd and too different, and men have no qualms to bed a woman they have no intention to court seriously, if you know what I mean.

OP sorry for not being of any help. I do have to get off, it's late already and I have an early start to make. But good luck to you

Is the guy who's asking you out to dinner one you've met on the internet, or have you met him in real life?

izzy, on internet just recently, very easy to talk to but not physically attracted, he is though (he hasn't said directly but already asking me to dinner almost straight after).