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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to tell

178 replies

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 09:16

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/09/2012 10:10

ANd if the end result of telling him is him saying 'I already know' and putting the phone down on you, how would you feel then? Vindicated - or stupid?

Newtothisstuff · 17/09/2012 10:18

Can't believe you have been able to keep it to yourself this long OP !!
Too right he should know, why shouldn't he know that his partner is a cheating cow!

BethFairbright · 17/09/2012 10:22

It wouldn't make any sense to feel either stupid or vindicated if he said 'I know'. There's no stupidity in being unaware that someone's already got a piece of information and you'd only feel vindicated if he said 'I didn't know that'.

The healthiest response to that scenario is to think 'I'm glad he knows' and then to leave it unless he wants to speak again about it, when he next sees the OP.

chipmonkey · 17/09/2012 10:33

If dh cheated, I might well end up being unhinged....

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 11:24

fiventhree Affair had ended.
I'd realised I still wasn't happy.

Told XW's family I was leaving; rang her best mate and asked her to come round.

I left. She discovered after I'd left I'd had an affair the previous year. I got a flat, which took a lot of pressure of me, moved some stuff. Sorted out with difficulty access to the kids. Month or two later started seeing OW again. Who is DW now.

Losingitall · 17/09/2012 11:43

OP shouldn't care what his response is. Once she's told him that's it unless he asks for any further info.

Simply getting it off my chest would be enough if it were me.

allthefun · 17/09/2012 12:03

OneMoreChap FFS that's an insensitive post.

Good for you, glad you are happy. Let's hope it stays that way (although statistically... unlikely).

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 12:21

allthefun Mon 17-Sep-12 12:03:39
OneMoreChap FFS that's an insensitive post.

Bollocks. Not meant to be. Which one and bit?
I hoped I was being supportive to OP, suggesting she was quite right to, if she knew why she wanted to. The ex and OW would have to take their chances as their fault...

iknowwho · 17/09/2012 12:58

Not sure why OneMoreChap's post is insensitive.
It is just a perspective which, after all, isn't what all the threads are about on MN anyway?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/09/2012 13:07

If my parter had been cheating on me, I'd want to know.

prh47bridge · 17/09/2012 13:48

Personally I wouldn't tell.

He may already know and be trying to work things out with his wife. He may suspect but be trying to turn a blind eye (in which case he definitely won't thank you for telling him). He may not care whether or not she has affairs. They may even have an open marriage.

If my wife had an affair I certainly wouldn't want the other man's wife to tell me, especially if she was doing it to get revenge. The OP seems to think her actions will somehow hurt the OW but not the OW's husband. I disagree. He will either not care or be deeply hurt. Even if telling him was the right thing to do (which I don't think it is), telling him because you want revenge on her is definitely wrong in my view.

EdgeofGlory · 17/09/2012 14:08

He has a right to know from a health perspective if nothing else.

My H had an affair with a married woman, I printed off the emails which were self explanatory, sent them special delivery (signed for) to the husband with a covering letter saying I was sorry but I felt he had a right to know. Her husband emailed me back and genuinely THANKED ME for letting him know. He then turned up at my husbands work one morning ready to punch his lights out.

In the meantime I had a full MOT at the Gum clinic, as did my husband at my request.

If for no other reason he has a right to know for the good of his own health.

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 14:24

EdgeofGlory Mon 17-Sep-12 14:08:10
He then turned up at my husbands work one morning ready to punch his lights out.

I disapprove of that.
As I would if you chose to punch the OW's lights out.
As I would if you chose to punch DH's lights out.
As I would if OW's husband punched her lights out.

Not big or clever.

Rowanhart · 17/09/2012 14:44

How did it go OP.

For what it's worth I thunk it's perfectly normal and part of your healing process to tell her partner.

Particularly as your paths are bound to cross. I think keepin quiet in your circumstances risks being more destructive to you.

Original poster
solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 17/09/2012 14:45

Update:
I didn't need to say anything, my contact with him was enough for her to confess.
He thanked me, said they were dealing with as best they can, he is so disappointed.
Said he would see me later in the week(work).
No major dramas, no swinging punched etc
A relief it is out in the open and I don't have to dwell on it -regardless of my motivations!!

And I would want to know, how could you not and then live a life of denial. Or find out later when so many other people know, and in this case a lot do.

OP posts:
Losingitall · 17/09/2012 14:55

Good OP. I sincerely hope you get some closure from it.
X

Junebugjr · 17/09/2012 14:57

You were right to do so IMO op.

How humiliating for him that others knew all about it, when he had more right to be aware.
At least he has an informed opinion on whether to stay with her or not now, especially as they do not have any children, and are not tied in that way.

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2012 15:10

Well I have to say that I'm glad you didn't need to tell him and that she was pressured into it instead. Saves you a lot of trouble later on, I feel.

At least now you know you don't have to lie to him any more - but do be prepared for him to know a subtly different truth to the one you do. And try not to discuss it with him!

EdgeofGlory · 17/09/2012 16:05

onemorechap couldn't agree more, violence is not the answer in any scenario.

I have since gathered it was her 7th affair that her husband had learnt of.

It was still the right thing to do in this case, he was grateful for knowing. 'What you don't know doesn't hurt you' is not always the case. STI's are on the increase in older people and something that is often overlooked during infidelity.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2012 16:14

Sounds like that was the best outcome, OP. You are both being mature and dignified about it. I'm glad he knows and I'm glad she found the fortitude to be honest with him.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2012 17:00

You have handled it perfectly, OP, in my opinion

I hope now it is in the open, it helps with your own healing x

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 17/09/2012 17:05

Glad it went as well as it could have.

I hope this helps you start to move on. It takes a long time, don't rush it x

EdMcDunnough · 17/09/2012 17:07

I'm glad he knows, and I'm glad it wasn't you who told him - if that makes sense.

Hope you feel a bit better now. And I hope he is Ok.

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed · 17/09/2012 17:17

I think you did the right thing.

Doha · 17/09/2012 18:15

well done. \It was the best possible outcome.

Hope you can now get closure and move on rom this