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Original poster

I'm about to tell

178 replies

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 09:16

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

OP posts:
SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 12:28

I do find it all baffling. So the default is 'don't tell' and also hope that you would be in the 'happy to be kept in the dark' camp then.

That's fine by me but then I do wonder why there are so many threads (as mentioned upthread) or people going mad trying to discover an affair and why they get so much support. It's a very complicated business.

PostBellumBugsy · 16/09/2012 12:37

It is very complicated SoSo, but telling anyone something potentially life changing & really, really awful purely out of revenge or spite is never going to be a good idea.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2012 12:42

I also think that some posters have been hurt deeply and want to vicariously 'lash out'.

I think the same of some of the 'LTB' brigade. They have no emotional investment in what happens to an OP... if her life falls apart having been egged on to rush into a decision based on half information, they can blithely continue their weekends with no concern whatsoever for the fallout. This isn't all, by any means, but certainly there are some who really do seem to 'dive in'.

mouldyironingboard · 16/09/2012 12:47

I would tell him. I hated the feeling of suspicion but not being able to prove anything when my ex-bf was cheating. Send a factual (rather than emotional) letter or email and tell him how you found out and how long you know for sure that it's been going on.

One of my friends knew about my ex's cheating for months before I did and I really wished she had told me as soon as she knew.

SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 12:54

I once knew, had the chat with the cheating partner and he promised that he would finish it and concentrate on my friend. Two years later, after he had isolated her completely from most of her friends, mover her to another suburb and was making her miserable, her and I were out for dinner and he walked past, arm in arm with another girl. The fallout was hideous and I dearly wish I'd told her much, much earlier.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2012 13:03

That's a bit different though, SoSo, this was your friend. In those circumstances I would have told her, for her sake, because we were friends.

wellwisher · 16/09/2012 13:08

Tell tell tell!

PostBellumBugsy · 16/09/2012 13:11

I don't know how anyone could live with the thought that they may break up a family, just to get revenge. The OW was wrong as was the OP's H - but revenge is wrong too.
Trying to protect a friend is very different. If you are looking out for someone's best interests and you think that after careful consideration of their particular situation, it is best that they know their OH is having an affair (and you are 100% sure of that), then you are doing something for all the right reasons. Spite & vengence won't serve anyone well, least of all yourself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2012 13:16

Ugh @ wellwisher. Whatever made you chose your name?

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 13:24

To the posters who went through finding out about cheating from the OM/OW's ex, although it was horribly painful at the time, would it not be more painful living with a partner who continuously cheated on you, rather than finding out, ending things and moving on? (I don't mean this to be condescending, I'm genuinely not sure what would be worse)

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 13:25

**or staying with your OH but sorting out the issues in the relationship

Thumbwitch · 16/09/2012 13:32

Revenge = bad motive.
Telling OW's husband = poor plan. He may already know, he may have chosen to ignore it, he may wonder why in hell you're wanting to hurt him/his wife, he may not believe you.

Whichever way, you will come out of this looking pretty bad. Is that what you want?

Fairenuff · 16/09/2012 13:33

They do say that the wife is often the last to know. Or the husband, in this case.

I would tell him. Just on the off chance that he doesn't know about it. Then he has the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay in the relationship or not. That would be his decision, but at least he would have the facts.

It's my opinion that not telling would make me part of the whole lie. I wouldn't want to live with that. I would get it all out into the open, then just get on with my life with a clear conscience.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 16/09/2012 13:48

It's better to know, of course it is, I don't think anyone is saying they aren't glad they found out.

For me it's all about the motivation behind it. Telling someone because you genuinely care about them and can't bear to see them hurt is one thing.

The OP wants to hurt the people who hurt her. Completely understandable and no one would argue that it isn't deserved.

But the affect on the husband is seemingly viewed as acceptable collateral damage. It isn't. This is going to change this man's life forever. It will change him forever.

Betrayal destroys a part of you that you can never get back.

He will find out, he very probably has his suspicions already however hard he is trying to ignore them. But to find out like this? Horrible.

Mainly because it's just so humiliating, but also because it makes you feel a complete idiot. You're marked out as the last to know, you didn't find out yourself, you needed someone to tell you.

It's also pretty fucking miserable to know that the person telling you doesn't give a shit about what happens next. They just drop a bombshell that will completely obliterate the life you know and then disappear into the distance without looking back.

Not sure I could take any pleasure form that.

Rachog · 16/09/2012 13:50

I probably would have lashed out and told straight away. I do think he has a right to know but do it in a sensitive way.

I would think twice if have children at home though.

panicnotanymore · 16/09/2012 13:53

Keep out of it. It will not make you feel better.

iknowwho · 16/09/2012 13:54

It's also pretty fucking miserable to know that the person telling you doesn't give a shit about what happens next. They just drop a bombshell that will completely obliterate the life you know and then disappear into the distance without looking back.

Not sure I could take any pleasure form that.

I so agree with this ^^

SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 14:09

but if the difference is knowing or not knowing, what does it matter who told you or why? The fact remains that your partner is cheating. Who tells you about it doesn't change that.

Original poster
solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 14:20

Sorry busy morning.
Haven't said anything yet but he is calling me later. I do know him, friends socially but not that close etc.
I can't just avoid him as he is involved with my work. It's the constant contact through that which is making my head spin. Which is why I want everything out in the open, sock of the lies and the sweeping everything under the carpet feelings at the moment.
They are not married and do not have children. They have been together for 2-3 years, about as long as the affair.
My OH did not tell me about the affair, I discovered it after reading his text messages (which didn't give it all away but were a step beyond two friends texting) he confessed as soon as I confronted him and has stopped all contact.

I'm shocked at the people that think he shouldn't be told, I would be devastated if people knew about his affair and hadn't told me??

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/09/2012 14:25

People have been making a lot of assumptions about the possible impact on his life if you reveal this affair.

There is another side. What if they do go on to have children and he finds out further on down the line? It will make his decision so much harder.

Right now, if he has the facts, he can make a decision that is right for him.

BelleDameSansMerci · 16/09/2012 14:26

Because you're not doing it for him (the innocent party), you're doing it for yourself. It's not being done out of concern for him. You've said you're doing it to hurt the OW and your ex.

wellwisher · 16/09/2012 14:27

I keep meaning to change my name to something more evil Grin

Seriously, if you can prove it, tell him. I would want to know.

minceorotherwise · 16/09/2012 14:29

If you know him then it does put another spin on it, if it was me, I would want to be told. Otherwise, when I did find out eventually, I would feel like everyone had been conspiring against me

2girls2dogs · 16/09/2012 14:30

"Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening"

The thing is, people like this walk over other people, I don't think you should tell him - its in the past now, what would be the point? You have to ask yourself how you will feel if you tell him, he forgives her, or worse doesn't believe you and thinks you're a madwoman? For your own sanity, let it go.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Your ex is not worth it and she most definately isn't - let her ruin her own "charmed life" which she will, if she continues riding rough shod over other peoples lives.

numbertaker · 16/09/2012 14:36

I think it is beneath you. I think that I would trust in the universal law of reaping and sowing. The OW has got it coming, and hopefully by the time she gets it, and she will, you will have moved on to a more grace filled place.

Only look back if you intend to head that way.