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Original poster

I'm about to tell

178 replies

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 09:16

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

OP posts:
lizbee156 · 16/09/2012 10:20

Whilst I agree with everyone who says don't tell on principle I know that in your situation op I would have to tell.
Look at the situation all ways round if you can because it's you who has to live with the consequences.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2012 10:23

Pure spite is not a reason and it will damage you, OP. Your ex had a responsibility to tell you; his affair partner is responsible for telling her own husband if she chooses to.

You're not doing this for any altruistic reason and neither does anybody else. If you believe in karma then expect to pay. In your position, I'd put them all out of my head and get whatever help I needed to move on and have a happy life. Not this, so undignified and mean.

joona · 16/09/2012 10:23

I have a male friend who has put me in a very awkward position, by confessing to me that he has been having an affair.

In a way i want to tell his partner, because i think she has a right to know. But it is not my place to do so.

OP, i agree that OW husband has a right to know exactly the kind of woman he is married to. But i think the honesty should come from her. He may already know, maybe they have decided to try & work things out... If this is the case, & you go charging in you will only be seen as spiteful and bitter.

SirSugar · 16/09/2012 10:30

Don't do it

How do you know she has a charmed life?, You don't know what goes on behind their closed doors and if there are children involved you could damage them in the process

I would put money on this backfiring on you, they always shoot the messenger

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 10:31

walkacrossthesand
If the affair is still active, he will find out soon.

It's been going on for 2 years, what makes you think he'll suddenly find out now? There was a thread posted last night about a guy who was having an affair that was 5 years long and sti going on, his OH was none the wiser.

Op tell him, he has a right to know, it was hardly just a fling.

Aspiemum2 · 16/09/2012 10:34

I'm a bit confused here at all the comments about it not being the OPs place and doing it out of spite or revenge.
Clearly the OW had no concerns when she embarked on an affair with a married man, which is just a disgusting thing to do.

I don't care how bad a relationship might be, and I've been in a hideous one myself, there is no excuse to sleep with someone else.

If my husband was cheating I would want to know. It would break my heart but there's no way I'd want to keep sharing my bed with him if he was playing away

I think OW's husband has a right to know and the OP absolutely has the right to tell him.

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 10:39

If OP gives the OW an ultimatum; tell or I'll tell, she may not tell her dh the truth. She's already proven herself to be a liar by embarking on a 2 year long affair, she may just tell him as much as she needs to get op off her back, like "it was a one night stand, I was drunk, he took advantage, she's (the op) bitter and is making it up, etc".

Doha · 16/09/2012 10:45

Yes but follow up on the ultimatum. OP is giving the OW the chance to admit everything first before solittletime contacts him and gives full exclosure

joona · 16/09/2012 10:47

Gold you make a very good point.

But at the same time, if OP tells, then OW may manage to convince her husband that OP is infact the liar. Is he really more likely to believe a stranger over his own wife if there is no proof?

If that happens, then OP may cause herself more emotional damage by having the truth thrown back in her face, while having to watch this smug woman get away with what she has done.

I'd tread very carefuly if i were you OP, think about all possible consequences from every angle before you decide what to do.

auberginesarenottheonlyfruit · 16/09/2012 10:53

If you have any sort of relationship with the cheated partner, they've been friends of yours for instance, then it could be argued you should tell them as you care for their well-being - leaving aside the fact that your bombshell might knock their world sideways.

But if this guy is a total stranger, telling him can only be out of revenge or spite - to stop the OW "getting away with it." Which is a whole different thing - understandable, of course, but not sure you'd necessarily feel good for it afterwards. Maybe initially, but not long-term.

joona · 16/09/2012 10:53

On the otherhand, OW might buckle under the pressure & confess all.... But that cannot be guaranteed.

It's dangerous territory.

twostraightlines · 16/09/2012 10:58

EdMcD - of course the blame is all his. But my H didn't have the courage to tell and we all desperately needed the behaviour to stop, and to know why he was being so vile. When I found out that OW's husband had known for ages, I was furious with him for not telling me, whatever his reasons.

joona · 16/09/2012 10:59

Sorry, ^^ that was part 2 of the previous comment i made, in response to Gold .... Not just a random sentence thrown in for good measure lol

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 11:14

Why don't you write the man a letter, explaining all about the affair, what your ex and the OW put you through, apologise if he already knew but you wanted to put your side across, then put it in a drawer and think about it for a few days. Then if you still want to give him it then you can.

Xales · 16/09/2012 11:24

I agree with gold send him a letter saying if you want to know about your wife's relationship with my ex H please contact me.

Then the ball is in his court if he wants to know any more. If he asks his wife and believes her his choice.

PostBellumBugsy · 16/09/2012 11:28

OMG, no. You must not do this. Please think of the feelings of the OW's OH & children. I know she didn't think of yours, but don't stoop to her level. It really is none of your business - that is their marriage & their problem. Leave well alone.
I say this as someone whose ex-H also had an affair, so I really do sympathise with your sense of injustice - but please don't do it.

noddyholder · 16/09/2012 11:29

I don't think it is a good idea tbh Let them et on with their relationship and you concentrate on yours,they may be working through things you never know the full story of another relationship. It won't change anything for you

SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 11:37

So, is the agreed conclusion that you don't tell someone you know that their partner is having an affair, you don't tell someone you don't know that their partner is having an affair but that everyone would want to be told if their partner was having an affair.

AnitaManeater · 16/09/2012 11:38

I've been on the receiving end of a letter from my H's OW. It was extremely unpleasant and spite was her only motivation. They were both complicit in what they did and when H stopped playing ball she came after me and felt she should tell me. H had already come clean but spared me the details at my request. I ended up on diazepam and citalopram and having CBT to deal with the ongoing anxiety. It's been hideous. Yeah you might get a bit of personal satisfation from it but you may also be wrecking an innocent person's life. That stuff should come from the cheating spouse although I can understand your anger.

joona · 16/09/2012 11:38

xales that doesnt really leave the ball in his court.

ask him to get in contact if he wants to know about his wifes relationship your XH

Already that tells him that something untoward has gone on, and it doesnt take a genius to work out what it is.. it simply gives him the choice in wether he wants to hear the details.

Even if he were to get in touch, if he doesnt already know, & confronts his wife with the information given to him, there is a possibility she will deny all, and he may believe her. If there is no proof other than the word of a stranger, OP might be passed off as some raving lunatic with a vendetta. Which will surely only serve to add insult to injury on OP's part?

As i said earlier, there is a chance that OW would buckle under the pressure & confess, giving OP the revenge she understandably craves. But there is always the risk that it might go the oppisite way.

PostBellumBugsy · 16/09/2012 11:42

SoSo, I don't think you should get involved in other people's marriages. No, I would not have wanted a total stranger (which is what the OW's boyfriend would have been in my situation) to contact me & tell me that my H was having an affair with his girlfriend. I would have thought he was insane & deeply unpleasant - no matter how well intentioned it may have been.

The OPs intention here is not even well-intentioned, she has clearly stated that she wants revenge.
I can't see how it can possibly be considered a good or wise thing to do.

solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2012 11:42

Don't do it. All it will do is make other people think that you are a spiteful cow and it's not that surprising your H cheated.

Focus on your relationship with H, whether you are rebuilding it or separating, and look to the future. No one ever makes things better by taking revenge.

nemno · 16/09/2012 11:52

Most people seem to be saying they'd want to know and I've seen plenty of threads on MN where the cuckolded spouse suspects the affair but is going mad trying to prove it. In these cases it would seem that being told is, in fact, what a deceived spouse would want. I doubt you'd be thanked or feel good about it though.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 16/09/2012 11:54

As someone who was told by the xp of my stbXh's bit on the side, please don't tell him.

I hate the man who told me. He didn't just get his revenge on them. He didn't just hurt them. He hurt me, purely out of spite.

He was miserable so I should be too. No matter that I had a 4 month old baby, I had to suffer like he was.

You may think you'd want to know, and it's true, you would. But trust me, this is not how you'd want to find out.

So far you are of course the completely innocent party. If you take joy from hurting this man you won't be.

It won't give you the satisfaction you think it will.

maleview70 · 16/09/2012 12:02

I found revenge was best served by getting on with my life, finding an incredibly attractive girlfriend who was a notch up from my ex, having the best sex of my life and going on lots of exotic holidays. The ex was more hurt by that than anything I could have gained by telling the OM wife.

In the end my ex told her and he then ended the affair and stayed with his wife despite promising the ex the world. There was only one loser in their game and it was her.

Telling him serves no purpose and could cause pain to their children if they have any and they are the true innocents.