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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm about to tell

178 replies

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 09:16

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

OP posts:
InTheNightGarden · 16/09/2012 21:00

if it was me and my partner had been cheating and people knew and hadn't told me id be livid!! Id Want to know!! don't be nasty about it just lay the the facts down for him and he can then make his own mind up, he's a grown man I'm sure he can handle it!!

swooosh · 16/09/2012 21:01

Op have you told him?

shouldkeepquiet · 16/09/2012 21:09

Tell him.
This happened to me years ago - when it came out in the end i gradually found out lots of people had a fairly good idea of what had been going on but didn't tell me. It made it much worse thinking what a mug i must have looked like. Even later on i found out there was not one but 4 or five (at least) over the 3 years we were together. There were no kids and we were not married so i was better off out of there, just wish i had known 2 years before it did.

RedRoseorWhite · 16/09/2012 21:09

I did this, for exactly the wrong reasons. It was for revenge pure and simple, I could dress it up as doing it to save him future heartache or that he deserved to know what sort of women his wife exactly was. But it wasn't, I wanted her life to implode as much as mine had, only it didn't happen like that.

What happened is what I expect happens in the majority of these cases and that he said OK..and that was it...I told him his wife and my H had been having an affair for 4 months or so and he just went...OK...I asked if he wanted to know anything else and he said nope..I was left feeling like a right bitch. Of course what I wanted to happen was for him to throw her out, for her to be in the same pain I was going through and for him to give me the anwsers...help me heal. I'd imagined us talking things through together and making sense of what had happened. There was no public fallout, she wasn't tossed to the kerb. They are obviously working through it like we are now trying to do. He never came and puched my H's lights out, as I so often wished would happen Blush It was madness but it was the all hurt and the anger and the bitterness...I wish I could turn the clock back and undo it.

All I would say is think about why you are doing it...are you really doing it for him or are you doing it for you? because if you are doing it for you, I expect you'll end up wishing like me you'd kept your mouth shut dignity.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 16/09/2012 21:19

Redrose what a brave and honest post.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope things work out for you.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2012 21:24

OP, in the precise circumstances you describe, I would tell

AlfalfaMum · 16/09/2012 21:49

Agree with AF
There are no children to be hurt, they've not been together for that long.. I think the OW's boyfriend should know what kind of person he's involved with before their relationship progresses any further.

And KrisKros, I am disgusted that you take no resonsibility for all the hurt YOU have caused your H.

AlfalfaMum · 16/09/2012 21:50

Responsibility (dammit)

AnyFucker · 16/09/2012 22:10

kris your behaviour is reprehensible

to collude with victim-blaming when the responsibility is all yours, is beyond shit

BethFairbright · 16/09/2012 22:36

The only times I've known this to end well virtually mirror the OP's circumstances i.e. the news was delivered personally (with great sensitivity) and the cheated-on partners knew eachother.

I think what you have to be prepared for is every outcome - and to be able to live with them all and not feel even worse. Some men (and women like that Kriss poster) fall back on sexist portrayals of hurt women, rather than face up to the enemy within the camp. Fortunately most people aren't that dim on a permanent basis and eventually realise who's really to blame. But you have to respect their decision once they've got all the facts you've given them and be able to live with whatever it is. That man might not be as strong as you, or worse still might initially take the blame for it. If you see eachother and talk about this more than once, just make sure you stick to the facts, don't embellish anything and dissuade him from taking any blame.

GoldPedanticPanda · 16/09/2012 23:09

kriskross, you were shagging her husband, do you not think that's why she sounded 'unhinged'?

solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2012 23:10

. Sometimes, people have affairs because their existing partners are horrible. Which may well have been the case in KrisKros' situation. Certainly, when the 'betrayed' partner reacts with spite or even violence, s/he forfeits any moral high ground and does give the impression that actually his/her partner probably did have some justification for getting involved with someone else. Human beings are not property to be owned and fought over; if someone cheats on you or leaves you, behaving with dignity is the best way to deal with it, for your own sake as much as for anyone else's.

BethFairbright · 16/09/2012 23:24

If a partner's that horrible, no-one has to stay with her. If we're talking dignity, it's far more dignified to leave someone rather than having an affair with a married woman who doesn't want you anyway and intends to stay with her dimwit husband, who blames your wife for you having an affair with his wife.

Anger is just as valid as dignity, but lots of sexists don't like to see women displaying it.

anairofhope · 17/09/2012 00:08

I thought by being married i did own my husband. He said "forsakeing all others". If he wants to fuck someone else get devoiced first. Its smiply otherwise put up with the consequence of adultary.

Feckbox · 17/09/2012 00:08

too true SGB. Always assumed here " you have done NOTHING to deserve...." blah blah.
You bloodywell might have. Lots of people have affairs because they are married to unbearable tossers but lack the guts to leave.

In real life, unlike on Mumsnet, people often sympathise with those who have affairs.

OP, keep your nose out. That's plain nasty and you will look like a spiteful cow

BethFairbright · 17/09/2012 00:12

There we go

"spiteful cow" something which is only ever said about women.

Whereas fortunately there is a gender-neutral term for people who 'lack the guts to leave' and have an affair instead:

"selfish cowards"

anairofhope · 17/09/2012 00:16

I dont think i could sympafy with a coward who thinks its ok to fuck someone else husband or wife instead of just leaveing their own marrage. Twisted thinking there i will destroy your marrage and family but i will stay with my twat of a partner because he or she is horrid! WTAF!

Challen · 17/09/2012 00:40

Walk away. It won't make you feel any better. Achieve this by thinking of the consequences of your actions to (her) innocent children.

doinmummy · 17/09/2012 00:41

I'd think long and hard before telling him. Try to image all of the possible outcomes and how you would live with yourself if they happened. Worse case senario....what if the husband is unable to cope with the news and does something 'silly'? How would you cope with that on your conscience ?

Losingitall · 17/09/2012 06:37

How she would live with herself?

Spiteful cow?

Ridiculous!

She should tell who she wants'

ToothbrushThief · 17/09/2012 07:26

I suspect there are a few people on here who are putting themselves in the shoes of this man and denial seems better than their life imploding.

However there are others who have been there and would want to know

OP you're not spiteful or a cow or any of the lovely adjectives people give you for daring to be pissed off at a betrayal. Hmm If you have to work with him I'm sure you're considering all angles to this and you do what you bloody well like!

ComradeJing · 17/09/2012 07:39

I would have wanted to know.

My best friend was cheated on for many, many years. After the affairs came out and she kicked his arse to the kerb she had a great number of "friends," colleagues and acquaintances come and tell her that they had known about the affairs and witnessed his terrible behaviour.

None of them told. She was very, very hurt by it.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing.

OneMoreChap · 17/09/2012 08:34

They both accepted the risks, and have no-one to blame but themselves, if you do tell. If you want to, nobody can blame you... just be sure why you are doing it. Any reason is good, as long as you are happy with it.

XW went and told the family of OW I had had an affair with. I had already left, as it happens, and wasn't with the OW for some time.

For all the other posters saying "Tell, tell", I do trust that if a friend confides in you that she is having an affair, you will tell her DP - or at least shun her as a selfish coward.

fiventhree · 17/09/2012 08:58

OMC, in what sense were you not 'with' the person with whom you were having the affair, when you left your wife?

allthefun · 17/09/2012 09:36

I think the post by KrisKross illustrates the point well actually.

You really can't assume that OW life will fall apart or that you get back any power. KrisKross isn't in any way "brought down" and both her and her husband look on the wronged wife with contempt it seems to me.

I'm not saying don't tell him but make sure you are calm and in control and look like your life is better for finding out about the affair and that you are happy and have moved on. Don't mention any of OW faults or opinions you have on the affair. You are simply telling him because you think truth matters and you found the deception the worse bit.

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