I'm about to tell

[solittletimeandsomuchtodo]

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

How can it be wrong to tell him, if his partner has been cheating throughout his relationship, and they have no commitments towards each other. It would be so wrong for him not to find out now, so he can decide on his future with the facts in place.

He is late thirties, keen sportsman. No obvious health issues (his job would prevent it)
Intelligent.
He will believe me as he will see that my ex and I have spilt and that wouldn't happen without a good reason.
Maybe I should just say he needs to talk to his partner and leave it to her to tell him. He can then make up his mind and then come back and talk to me.

My ex is desperate for no one to find out, wants to save face. Sweep it all under the carpet. But I can't do that, no more lies. Be honest or check out, not cheat.
Never an excuse for cheating I think.

If he deserves to know and not by this means, then how?

From someone who is telling him for the right reasons and who will be there to help him pick up the pieces. Failing that, to find out for himself.

You're clearly still angry and resentful. Understandable, so am I still 10 months on. I just cannot understand your spite towards this innocent man.

You didn't deserve to be hurt but you were. He doesn't either but he will be. Why play a part in that, it won't achieve anything.

You're obviously not going to change your mind and are not interested in anyone else's opinions so if the point of your thread was purely to gloat then I'm out.

If ..... you do it and it makes you feel good, then you are one sad and nasty individual. Sadly I agree. Don't let what happened make you bitter and vindictive.

Op I think if you tell this man it should be for the genuine reason that he deserves to know not for any other reason.
I do think he has a right to know but remember he is a victim of this as much as you are and he has done nothing wrong.

In a nutshell, I was the OW, OM's wife found out, told me I should tell my H (which I did) but turned up at my house to tell him anyway, as she didn't believe I would. H was out at the time (I'd told him and he'd gone out for a drive).

Quite frankly, she made it appear that everything the OM had previously told me about her being a crazy vindictive nutjob was true. I'll never forget her standing at my front door, looking and sounding completely unhinged.

My H had no interest in speaking or communicating with her, he ignored her calls and texts at first but she wouldn't let it drop. She didn't do any of this out of a sense of fairness, justice, wanting the best for my H, feeling he should know. She did it to hurt me, to spite me, to try and break up my marriage like I'd broken up hers and in the process she caused my H extreme distress, I thought he may have some kind of breakdown at one point due to her harrasment.

6 months on and H is directing a lot of his anger towards her, and yes I realise this is completely misplaced. He has even recently (jokingly, I think) commented that he's not surprised that OM was having an affair, being married to a psycho like her.

OP - tell but look after yourself. You don't deserve any further distress. He does deserve to know

Oh dear God some of the bleeding hearts on this thread.

Yes the OPs oh had made a commitment to her. BUT the OW had a responsibility here too.

She made a choice to cheat on her husband with someone else's.

With choice comes consequence.

I'd tell him. Calmly rationally the facts not the emotions.

Kris, it is you that caused your H distress not your OM's wife. It is you and her husband that caused her to turn into a nutjob as you so kindly called her. You cant lay the blame at her door, she has reacted out of hurt at the way her husband and you have treated her. If you and her H hadn't behaved like shits to her then your H would have no reason to be distressed.

One thing I do want to clarify is that I don't want to hurt him, I know he will be upset. I am not wanting to destroy his life I just want him to know what has happened and he can decide for himself if they stay together or not.

I am angry at her -not going to deny that!

He deserves to know the truth about his partner, before they marry before they have kids, for all you know your ex is still seeing her, so she may still be two timing her partner. I would know if my dp was seeing somebody else.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney I just wish ANYONE would've told me,friend or foe. I do agree that my situation if different though.

OP if you want to tell him fine tell Him. Its your life and if you want to do this to move on then do it.

It will not change watch happened or how you feel it will not make you feel better or change your life or make your childrens life better.

The posative is you will not keep secrates or have to lie. You will not have to watch what you say and to who.

If they have kids would you feel guilty about braking their family up?
If they dont brake up would it make you feel wores?

Would it be better to move on and be happy and in a year or two if you realy think he needs to know from you then tell him?

If ..... you do it and it makes you feel good, then you are one sad and nasty individual

I disagree.

There is nothing wrong with feeling good about letting him know what his partner has been up to. You could be saving him from a lifetime of misery. Most people on this thread agree that he deserves to know.

Whether it comes from her, from you or from one of his close friends makes no difference to the outcome. He will learn that she cheated and he will make his decisions from there.

If no kids and they are not married tell him. You might save him so much pain later on.

OP if you'd said, "I feel I need to tell this man that his partner has been cheating on him. I know how upset he will be and I feel awful about how much this will hurt him but I think it's the right thing to do"

If you'd have asked "what is the best way to tell him. How do I do it so he doesn't think I'm just acting out of revenge. I feel so sorry for him"

I would have supported you 100%. But that's not your motivation. Your only motivation is to hurt her and ruin her life like you feel she ruined yours.

Please try and at least think about what people on here have said before you make his hurt even worse.

Also another spin:

you tell they break up and she moves in with your ex and they get married. Then you have to hand over your children to them for the next few years every other weekend and sit next to her at your childrens wedding birthdays and other family gettogether. All thanks to you telling her partner

Fairenuff you may think it makes no difference where it comes from but really, you are wrong.

No it won't make a difference to the ultimate outcome. He will decided for himself what to do.

BUT, to be told sensitively be someone who cares about you is very different to having it flung in your face by someone who views your feelings as collateral damage.

No one has argued that he shouldn't know. Of course the sooner he finds out the better. I also agree that the OP is on no bounds to keep it a secret. But taking the time to tell one of his close friends first so that they can tell him would, IMO, be kinder.

I also think it would be healthier for the OP to distance herself and concentrate on her own healing rather than putting herself right back in the centre of the drama.

My Grandad cheated on my Granny for 16 years and no one told her! She was the last one to know until some kind friend told her.

She felt so stupid for not realising and she knew everyone was talking about her and she was always grateful to her friend for telling her.

I would want to know and I would tell.

Of course the sooner he finds out the better

Well if OP doesn't tell him, maybe no-one will!

And she can do it sensitively. She can say, 'Look, my oh has been cheating on me with your oh and I thought you ought to know, just in case you didn't know already,'

That's it.

It's the kindest thing to do, imo.

I think if you are going to be in the situation of seeing him socially or through work, then you do need him to know, I couldn't make polite chit chat knowing that his DP was having an affair. I would find that hard with anyone. When he does find out, he will know that you knew all those times you talked, that would be humiliting for him. He will know how long that you knew, because of when your relationship ended.

However, I don't think you are the person to tell him. Can you put off talking to him today and ask someone else (another mutual friend?) to tell him?

I agree completely, however going on the OP's posts it doesn't come across that it will happen like that.

I do see both sides, honestly. I just think taking yourself out of the equation is the best in a situation like this.

With emotions running as high as they are it has the potential to turn nasty very easily.

Nice compassionate post there Kris Kros. Absolute proof if it was ever needed that some people really don't give a shit about the feelings of others, as long as they are alright at the end of it.

OP - do what you really feel you should. It is not for us to judge you. Of course it's nice to think you would act with dignity, not stoop to their level, think of the other family, yadda yadda yadda.
But in reality i have no idea what i would do.
Her partner hasn't got a family so at least there isn't that to consider, which would be a big factor in me saying nothing.

(x-Post with DontmindifIdo)

Do you know him OP? If you do then I would tell him. As others have said if people know and he doesn't then he should - imagine how humiliated he will feel that she was having an affair and everyone knew except him.

If you don't know him then I wouldn't say anything to him, you'll be painted as sad and bitter and desperate. Rise above it OP, crack on with your life.