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Original poster

I'm about to tell

178 replies

solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 09:16

Partner of the woman my OH had the affair with!
It's been on my mind for months since I've known and I haven't done anything about it.
He deserves to know and yes honestly it is part of my revenge to her about the whole thing. Not going to lie.
Don't think she should continued her so called charmed life! Without him knowing what has actually been happening.
OH (now ex) had two year affair with her.
We were together for ten years. Two dc.
Grrrrr

OP posts:
sades101 · 16/09/2012 14:40

I personally think whether its for yourself or for the benefit of him he deserves to know. What kind of a world is this when people think that it's better to live a fake happy life than a temporarily upsetting, but honest life. Yes it would hurt him to know, but who here can honestly say THEY would prefer to be kept in the dark about it. If you did want to be kept in the dark then you are strange person. The woman has had another mans hands all over her and then goes home and her OH thinks he is the only one to hold her and touch her intimately, it's disgusting to let this carry on. Unless he knows the truth and decides for himself that he can get over it... but that would then be HIS choice (which it should be)

StrawberryMojito · 16/09/2012 14:40

I think, given the circumstances you have described in your second post, you should definitely tell. Tell him so you don't have to have the secret burn inside you every time you see him, tell him so that he knows about her behaviour before he chooses to marry/have children with her. He may still decide to stay with her, but will not be in the dark.

Had they already been married with kids and it was someone you did not know at all, I would have said don't tell.

EdMcDunnough · 16/09/2012 14:44

I think you're too involved to tell him.

Yes I'd want to know, of course, but not from you.

It would make me question your motives far too much and knowing what they are, as someone unrelated, I think they suck. Sorry.

It's not for his sake you're doing it, so you have the potential to hurt him more by doing this.

If you were an uninvolved close friend of his it would be rightful, but you're not and it could result in a lot of complexities especially in his mind about whether or not to believe you.

It's wrong and it's unfair on him. Just don't do it.

SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 14:52

OP. People tell all the time. I think it's muddying the waters that the relationship to the victim permits you to or not.

Personally, I wouldn't want to know in this circumstance but in others I would. All very complicated.

Teeb · 16/09/2012 14:52

I think you should tell him.

It isn't in the past for him, he's still in a relationship with this woman.

But when/if you do tell him, don't be cruel. Give him the facts as you know them, and if he wants support and you feel you are able to offer it then do that, but otherwise you need to be kind to him as he (and you) are the victims in this.

numbertaker · 16/09/2012 15:21

He may already know, and have forgiven.

Aspiemum2 · 16/09/2012 15:37

Again confused at the comments regarding the impact this will have on his life. This is not to be laid at the OP's door, she is not responsible for any pain this may cause. If the OW had kept her legs closed and her mitts off someone else's man then nobody would be getting hurt.
There are only 2 people who should feel guilt, neither one being the OP!

I still maintain that this man has a right to know.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2012 15:50

It's not 'someone else's man' though is it? You can't own another person and you have no claim to them. They either choose to stay faithful, or they don't. This is at OP's partner's door. Not liking the snarly 'if OW had kept her legs closed' reference much.

I'm sure that OP will do what she wants to do, regardless of what anybody else thinks.

CaptainVonTrapp · 16/09/2012 15:54

Would you want someone to tell you if your OH was having an affair? I bloody would. Tell her.

CaptainVonTrapp · 16/09/2012 15:55

Sorry, him.

solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2012 15:59

OP, have you forgiven your H and taken him back? If so, sneaking on the OW is even more spiteful of you. It's about making her into the villain so you can play house with your H when he was the one who betrayed you (and may do so again).

IShotJR · 16/09/2012 16:05

Tell him OP. My OH cheated and ALL my friends of 10+ years didn't tell me. I wish someone had told me. It's his life,his relationship,and he right to choose what to do next knowing all the facts.

I wish i'd had a friend like you op.

lunar1 · 16/09/2012 16:12

I would tell and I would want to be told. The ow has no rights here. You might save him from wasting more of his life on her.

whatkungfuthat · 16/09/2012 16:18

I would tell. It sounds like the OW was cheating on him for almost the whole of their relationship so I think he needs to know what sort of person he is with.

SoSoMamanBebe · 16/09/2012 16:23

LyingWitch I didn't like the legs closed comment either.

As the thread has evolved I'm not exactly changing my mind about whether to tell him or not, but think that the spite would make me rethink my friendship with the the OP, if I were her friend.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 16/09/2012 16:36

I'd want to know if this was happening to me.

itsjustmeanon · 16/09/2012 16:44

If they had a family together, been together donkeys years, and the affair was all over, I'd think twice before saying anything. However, on this occasion, he needs to know, before he commits any further.

NimpyWindowMash · 16/09/2012 16:56

er, read the OP - it's not long, the OH is now her ex

gettingeasier · 16/09/2012 16:57

Not sure after your second post.

How long since the affair ended ?

I dont think you will feel any better from telling him and it may explode in your face if you work together ?

Overall in your shoes I would not tell mostly because however you dress it up it will not come across as helpful advice but as vengeful and designed to cause mayhem

ZiaMaria · 16/09/2012 17:09

I would tell. Otherwise, I would be assisting a cheat in perpetuating a lie. you found out the truth and you got to make your decision as to what should happen in your relationship. He should have that option too.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 16/09/2012 17:11

All I will say is that's it's very easy to imagine what you think you would want/do.

It's an awful lot different to live it.

I'm not telling the OP what to do, that's up to her. All I'm doing is giving my opinion. It's not based what I imagine I'd want, it's not how I imagine I would feel. It's based on what did happened and how I did feel.

IshotJR of course your friends should have told you, but this is a totally different situation. You're friends should have told you because they shouldn't have been complicit in your hurt. How would you feel if one of your friends had told you out of spite? Just told you because they wanted to destroy your "perfect life" then left you to pick up the pieces alone.

No one has argued that this man doesn't deserve to know. All we're saying is he doesn't deserve to find out like this.

Original poster
solittletimeandsomuchtodo · 16/09/2012 18:46

It ended less than two months ago and no I am not going to stay with my partner. He has broken me and I have lost all my trust in him. We have been together for just over ten and made a lot of sacrifices over the years and he has thrown all of that away.

Wish I had just told the partner the moment I found out, then my motivations would not be questioned. But he is an adult and he deserves to know.
I have told his partner via text that she must tell him or I will. (about two weeks ago).

If he deserves to know and not by this means, then how?

Oh -I've already left a message so he is going to call me back at some stage.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 16/09/2012 18:55

It is not your place to destroy his life. This is a very strange attitude why do you think he should suffer? He could have health /job issues anything

lunareef · 16/09/2012 19:03

I would tell all...
Grandparents may have 'wisdom' but how old fashioned....
I would hate to think I was betrayed in a relationship even if the betrayal was short lived. If it were me on the receiving end I'd rather know the truth even if it is unexpected.

ThursdayWillBeTheDay · 16/09/2012 19:07

He probably won't believe you anyway.

It won't make it any better for you. It won't make it unhappen. It will make you look like a madster.

It will probably, as posters from page1 have been saying, be a hollow "victory" and you will, if you have any kind of empathy,kindness or dignity in you, make you feel physically sick. If, on the other hand, you do it and it makes you feel good, then you are one sad and nasty individual.

Which are you OP?