Huffy, illiterate men, scared of peas, it's a weird, weird dating world (No22)

[ChaoticismyLife]

Oh, watch...you mentioned flowers

Tell us more...

Snape I know .

It has given me something to think about though, obviously I would never consider dating him, but it has made me think about the men I do date, and that maybe - and I know youve all been telling me this forever - I do need to change, and move away from my usual 'type'.

Ridiculously young man does have a degree - history, got a 1st (and is now studying for a masters). It was so different having a conversation with someone clever (albeit that we were both completely pissed so I suspect it was utter gibberish!), no suggestive comments, no leering. It was lovely :)

Now I just need to find his late 30s/early 40s equivalent

Yay for Sponge and her epiphany!
I am having a lovely convo on GS with a Southerner who is finding the whole thing as cringey as me. It's all a bit ships-in-the-night but oddly comforting. Esp the absence of innuendo etc.
Mr FWB seems to have quietened down. I do not miss him at all.

Ahh sponge. I'm glad you had a nice time, it's nice to meet young attractive clever men who show and interest in you. :). We knew you were gorgeous, sexy & lovely.

Lots of research this afternoon. Popped onto OKC as bored, PM was online, updating his profile (I did not sneak!). Then a huge fucking panic that he had blocked me as he disappeared. I actually went to the fucked up, stalkerish lengths of creating quick fake profile to check if he had......

...and he hasn't. He's just hidden his profile. Why update your profile and then hide it?

Research for book this afternoon. Think I have found my last page...

'sometimes your nearness takes my breath away and all the things I want to say can find no voice. then in silence I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.'. - Robert Sexton.

Trying to find a reasonable Trent Reznor lyric, all I can come up with is, 'I want to fuck you like an animal.'.

at Snape & the Trent Reznor lyrics... so subtle.

I think I might need to dress it up a little. I always think of koala bears when I hear that lyric.

Snape I LOVE your last page. Tis perfect

What Time said

koala bears?

Yep. Whenever Trent reznor sings 'I want to fuck you like an animal', I think of koala bears. Or hedgehogs.

Arrgghhhh! XH just send me an email to say 'oh by the way, ran into OW in town with the kids yesterday and she joined us for lunch. just thought I'd let you know.'

I'm so furious I'm shaking. I don't even know how to respond other than to tell him that if that fucking twat is ever in the presence of my children again I will tell them exactly why I think she's a bitch and a whore and what their daddy did with her!!

Can someone please tell me what an appropriate reponsse to this is given that we have not discussed her once since we split. He has not made any mention of still being with her but clearly is still - at the very least - friends with her. And we promised each other that any new significant others who were important enough to introduce to the DCs would be discussed with each other first. I don't buy for one minute that she 'just happned to bump into them'. He is such a fucking lying bastard!!!

Hi everyone,

last night I went to a singles event. it was full of 50year olds (i am only 27) and I ended up giving a guy my number who worked there (but also has a real job). He seems really keen and we have been chatting on the phone for about 1 1/2 hours and i still like the sound of him. And I think there was some chemistry.

Hes not my normal type, been seems nice and we loosly arranged to go out on friday

sponge I am really hungover too

yoga this is absolutely not want you want to hear, I know it isn't, but there is very little that can be done about this. Yes XH is acting atrociously, he may or may not be 'seeing' the OW, it stuck a knife in my heart every time I thought about the OW playing happy sodding families with our my children but practically, there wasn't anything that I could do about it, so my coping mechanism was to put her completely out of my kind as she was so far beneath me that I would have to crawl on my belly to even acknowledge her existence. If you have to respond, an airy, 'right. I thought we had discussed the timetable of introducing 'others' to the children?' so he can lie respond with whatever-the-fuck he wants to say. I'd veer away from 'great. Did you tell DCs you were fucking her behind my back?'

Don't show your hand re: no way did they just 'bump' into each other. I know it's all fresh & raw, but we can't control other people being twattish. We either dismiss their actions as irrelevant, continue to let them hurt & suffer in silence us or go ballistic and let them know they have an effect on us still. Your choice...

Snape so what do I do tomorrow when DD comes home and tells me all about her weekend? She will want to tell me all about lunch - because she always does, in great detail. Am I supposed to just smile and say 'oh how nice'? Am I supposed to tell her I know the OW but we are not friends?

If I try to remind XH that we agreed to discuss introducing DCs to new partners he will just lie to my face and insist it was a coincidence. Honestly, I don't give a shit what he does in his own time but I do not want my children exposed to that filth.

yoga I am a long time lurker on this thread, one day I may have enough courage to join you all . I felt that I had to de-lurk on reading your post as I have been in a very similar position to you. My ex-H (who I had been with for nearly 20 years) left me after multiple infidelities. He had inferred that he was no longer seeing OW and when I found out that he was indeed very much seeing her I went utterly apeshit, including throwing a television across the room. He was on the phone with me at the time and had to get someone else to call my parents to come round to my house (thank god the kids were not there) as I just went mental. So if I had found out he was still seeing her, and that she had met the children, in the way that you have just done, I dread to think how I would have felt.

So I totally understand how full of rage, hatred and despair you must be feeling right now. However, I would really suggest that you don't make any response until you have calmed down. I'm sure you know that actually taking the dignified route is always the best for you (fuck him and her, it's you and the children you need to care about). He has proved himself a lying twat, and is following the script perfectly. Taking the high road always feels best in the end, maybe punch the sofa and scream into a cushion to relieve some of the anger, or write a vitriolic email, but then delete it.

Sorry, to jump on thread, I mainly wanted to say I'm really sorry about what you are going through this evening. It is shit.

yoga girl sorry to hear that! I have no advice but I can understand how you must be feeling! Really your ex shouldn't just take the children to meet the women he had an affair with! It is very wrong! (((hugs)))

Hi SoSweet - thanks so much for delurking to reply!

It's honestly not the fact that he's still seeing her. I've suspected as much all along and really couldn't give a shit - they're fucking welcome to each to each other (apparently her first marriage ended because her X cheated on her so how she lives with herself I don't even know). But when we split he desperately didn't want anyone to know what he'd done. I wasn't even allowed to tell his mother why we split. To this day I have no idea whether she knows. The kids certainly don't know that he cheated. I feel that if it were someone new he'd met I could cope with that. But I just don't know how to face the kids when they talk about her. I'm hopeless at hiding my emotions and they will know how angry I am.

Sorry, I should probably have started a new thread for this but I guess I felt like this was the place I wanted to come to for support.

yoga, re what you say to your daughter, I honestly think it's best to just smile pleasantly and make only neutral comments. You need to protect her as best you can from the shittiness he has introduced into your life.

If I were you I would send him a strongly worded, but civil, email, outlining how you want to handle contact with the OW in the future.

I really know how hard this is. I cannot count the number of times I have been breezily chatty with my ex as we hand over kids, when in my head is a torrent of hate filled abuse! But I just remind myself that I am protecting them and it makes it (a bit) more bearable.

And this of course is (part of) why he should have given you adequate warning that he was going to introduce the children, to give you time to plan how you were going to approach this.

Do you know what he has told your children? Did he introduce her as his girlfriend, or just a friend? And how old are your children? Sorry too many questions! These men are such twats.

I think taking a neutral listening type of position with your children will be best until you know exactly what he has told them and what he plans on telling them in the near future.

Quick, quick, advice needed. Excellent date with optician, nice bit of snogging at the end! He has just texted to say excellent evening, do it again very soon. Should I reply straight away and if so what? I am definitely up for another date but don't want to seem too keen. Playing it cool is good -maybe!

Will read all the other posts shortly, sorry to barge in!

Hi western - glad ur date went so well. I would reply to say you had a good time too.

SoSweet - am certain he would only have introduced her as a friend

Have uploaded my sketch (still a work in progress) if anyone is interested.

They're lovely, Yoga. And I think it's cool that they tell your story.

I don't know what to say about your ex. I guess he told you so that you had some warning, knowing that your DD would tell you about it. Unfortunately, you can't control what he brings into their lives, you can only show them how to deal with it. In time, they will ask questions and be old enough to understand why you split up, and they will judge him for it. And by the way, you are 'allowed' to tell what you want to whoever you want!

Yoga I think Snapes suggestion as to a reply sounds like a good start. I'm sorry, again I've been in a similar situation, in my case the OW and STBX are no longer together but for reasons which I can't go in to, the DCs still need to see OW on occasion. It has got easier over time, I'm trying to remember how I coped the first few times and I think I just focussed on how the DCs had been with (eg. had they had a nice meal, or whatever), then went and pulled up weeds with a vengeance.... And SoSweet and Fayster's advice is wise....it is very hard sometimes when my DC just seem to idolise their dad.

Western I'd be having exactly the same dilemma, I have no idea how to play these things, and actually no desire to play games, so I'd just reply as Yoga suggests, and then wait and see!

I have a mini dilemma of my own. Have exchanged quite a few texts / emails over the weekend with sort of colleague. Beginning to chat about stuff other than sport, work and news. Nothing risque, just chatting back and forth quite a bit. Asked him about family, he replied that he had a child from his 'previous marriage'. Hhmm. Is it just me, or does that sound like he has since remarried? Because he has never mentioned a partner, and if he has one, then that's it, obviously, and I don't care if the mid week drink is even vaguely work related, we can discuss it in work time as a strictly work matter if it is! Anyway, I replied asking how old his child was, and how long he'd been divorced, and I haven't heard from him since then....suddenly everything went quiet! Bum. For me it's been a huge reminder of how STBX would begin his affairs with the OW.... It's made me think I am probably not ready for dating after all. I may just stick with aquiring hundreds of cats, as per the original plan...

Can I tell DCs I know OW and we are not friends? Is even that too much? DCs are 9 & 11.

Sorry Jjars no advice re colleague other than u obviously need to find out If he's married but u already know that.