Huffy, illiterate men, scared of peas, it's a weird, weird dating world (No22)

[ChaoticismyLife]

Oh, watch...you mentioned flowers

Tell us more...

No point in trying snspe's response (thought we had discussed introducing others etc...) because he will just lie and insist it was not planned

yoga morning (like your sketch btw..)

I know it's a pain in the arse, truly, but it's time to nail on a smile and don't let your DCs see how painful this is. I think they are just too young to be told the full version of events. when they mention it, do divert into talking about what they ate and where they went. If they ask if you know OW, you can say either that you havent met her, but you know 'of' her and if you have met her just say, yes you know her. If they ask whether you like her or not, of course you can tell bits of the truth - that you don't like her very much, but you dont have to like everyone in life in order to get on with things and that she's a whore then change the subject back to Dcs - there must be people at school that they dont particularly like - what do they do if they dont like someone etc - then steer the conversation away to people they do like very much. as tempting as it is DON'T ask any questions about her.

I know he'll lie about meeting OW by chance, but you're giving him the opportunity to lie. :) That appeals to my twisted sense of entrapment.

hi yoga, bless you. I can remember the seething rage i felt when i discovered that for DD's first weekend spending the weekend with her dad, and only a month after we moved out of the family home, DD spent the entire weekend with this woman. Who i didnt even know existed..... I didnt even know at that point my husband was seeing someone. Floored by rage doesnt cover it.
So - and i think, we all probably know exacatly how awful it is.
But, you have to detach yourself, you cant control what he does and doesnt do, you have no choice. All you can do is to create a safe, understanding, loving home for your DC's. Be neutral, if they ask you i would say something along the lines of ' oh, and was that fun? i hope you had a nice time' leave it open so they can talk about their feelings, and/ or direct them to their father if they have any questions. YOu have to remove your emotion from it. Just deal with it factually and then move on to something else.

Tbh - i cant see much point in email him, hes your ex, hes not going to give two shits. My exhusband got remarried a few months ago, i hadnt been told but had guessed it might be on the cards. My dd told me over the phone, when she was at theirs, the OW ( because thats what she was) could hear, and i could hear her as it was all on speakerphone. I had asked DD what she had been up to that day and DD had said that she was getting ready for daddies wedding to OW. I said ' oh, how lovely, i hope you have a lovely time, mummy is going to do x this weekend, isnt it nice we are both doing fun things'
and that was that. Obviously i was cross as he should have said, but he didnt because he is a knob.
There is no point being cross/stressed youreself, its a waste of energy becuse you cant change it, only change how you react/ deal with it.

ANyway - hugs, its shite, we all know that.

Sponge - sounds like you had a good weekend :) great on the ephinany too!

Lybey - how are you doing?

snape - your notebook is lovely, i hope it has the desired effect.

moving - very brave to go to a singles event! ive never been to one. did you go on your own?

I have three men ' issues' at the momment.
YWK - he was texting all weekend, despite him moving friday. His gfs updated her FB pic to show them both cuddling up. Hes liked it.ON FRIDAY. on the day he was texting me how vile she was. Ive sent him a long email this morning telling him im not going to see him, i dont want further contact. Im changing my phone this week too, and will have a network that allows me to block his number :)

Mr beard - seems very keen. Not sure if i should go on the date with him or not....

Spent sat/ sun with mr l. Who has told me he is totally in love with me. I dont know what to do. His previous issues are kind of gone, lots of talking sorted that, and now he knows. Hes nice to spent time with - unassuming, easy company. Kind of just goes along with what i want. Spent a nice afternoon in the park ( with DD and the pooch) came home, had a massive beef slow cooked casserole, sat up and played hangman with DD, so - nice, nice stuff. Then we snuggled on the sofa and watched a film. Sunday was nice too. Hes nice that way, and i know he adores me, and is always saying lovely things about me, and how fantstic i am, and how beautiful etc. The sex is very very good.
BUT
something is lacking. Hes quiet, i said over the weekend he was and he said ' you know me, im not all that talkative' which is true... but i talk A LOT. Hes got no umph. No drive. Hes not going to learn to drive, thinks its too expensive, then says he cant afford to run a car. All his collegues can though.... and i know hes not short of money... its an excuse, he just doesnt want to. This bugs me, i cant help it, but it does. I tried to explain it to my friend, but its sort of like having the kind of relationship you did when you were 19/20. Except im not 19/20.
But i like the company, the easy company, the sex, and its nice to be with somone whos nice to me, you know.

I dont know what to do. Its never going to be a long term thing for me. We are too different i think.

And i dont know if i should see mr beard or not... half based on this.

Thanks all. DCs are back and as expected keen to tell me all about lunch but much more concerned with what they had to eat than OW. Although I kind of wonder how much of that is deliberate on their part (ie trying to protect me) cause THEY actually changed the subject very quickly. I somehow managed to hold my tongue and say nothing. We are now baking (bank holiday here) and I"m trying very hard not to look as exhausted and miserable as I feel (didn't sleep much last night). I also made a point of being in my bedroom getting dressed when they got dropped off so I didn't have to see the lying bastard XH.

watch that is truly appalling - both introducing your DD to the OW only weeks after moving out and getting married again without even telling you! Unbelievable. I"m so sorry.

I swear I wish they were old enough to understand just what a shit their dad actually is.

watch x-posts

YWK - you are well rid of him!

Mr.L - don't know what to tell you. The company and the sex sound great but not entirely fair given that you know his feelings are totally different from yours. Sorry, wish I had some advice.

Mr. Beard (is this the pirate/teacher?) - why not just meet for a drink adn see how you feel. Maybe that will help clarify what you want to do about Mr.L

yes, it was shit - but no different to what a lot of women go through. You would HOPE he was a better person that that, and might see the need for me to know so DD could talk about it etc, but no.It is what it is.
I think the thing is, that you be neutral, and at some point our children grow up, they arent stupid, They will find things out for themselves and make their own opions. The bit we have to do it to allow them to do that, and not to cloud their judgment in any way. They are their own people, you know.
Not saying its not hard, but thats the way it is. or should be.
You did well, it will get easier, promise :)

Yeah - i know re mr l. I dont love him. Im not going to. I like spending time with him, but thats not the same. But equally hes sorted out the problems why i dumped him.. and tbh i could give him 1001 hoops to jump through and he would do it. but that thought just makes me sad, possibly becuse i know im not going to feel the same.... But i do like his company, it was nice, i was sad when he went.

mr beard is the pirate/teacher. it is just a drink. coffee, so, no bones, and tbh, you know how dates tend to go.....

i dont know, all a bit difficult.

Yoga - I think you dealt with that exactly right. If in doubt, say nowt. I wouldn't get in touch with your ex either, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's rattled you. Just leave him to it, detach and turn your mind away from him and OW if you can. Must be really difficult but I think you are coping really well.

Watch - you are well rid of YWK. I am not sure about MrL - does he know your heart's not really in it or does he think it's all moonlight and roses from now on? I'd definitely go on the date with old Beardy and see what happens. Have you got something planned?

Hmm, not sure I dealt with it exactly right as my first response was to tell him I was furious and hit the send button. (This was before I even posted on here about it). I've managed not send or say anything else since then though so I guess that's something. He will no doubt be waiting for more as that's usually what I do but refuse to give him the satisfaction.

Western - did you reply to the optician??

Yoga - you dealt with it just right for the children, didn't make a big issue out of it or ask leading questions - never mind about getting in touch with your ex but I think you are right not to communicate with him any more.

Sent a brief text to the optician . . . He doesn't text in the day so will see what he says tonight, if anything. I'll keep you all posted! In the meantime, I have the quarryman wanting to help me fill my skip and/or meet up for coffee - he's nice but not for me (which I knew before I even met him, shouldn't have gone in the first place) and I don't really know how to tell him. And there's another possibility in view on PoF so I might indulge in a bit of chat with him tonight too.

Yoga i think you did the best you could at the time :) and at least you've managed to not hit the send button since - well done! it's not a situation i've been in - I was the one who got rid of the evil Ex and there was no-one else involved, he has had a gf since though who the boys couldnt stand but she didnt last long. He and I are barely on speaking terms and havent been for years, so theres never been any discussion between us re when to introduce new partners - and frankly even if there had been I know he'd do exactly as he pleased irrespective of whatever he'd agreed with me

watch I think you need to get rid of MrL. Sorry. I know it's nice having someone around, and it avoids having to return to the depressing world of online dating BUT he was mean to your DD, and I think that's unforgiveable. And the mice in his room, the manky pillow, not driving, etc. Go on a date with the beard and see what happens :)

western hope you hear from the optician later!

There's a wonderfully awkward atmosphere in work today. Actually it is probably only noticeable to me, but I am ACUTELY aware of it. Also realised that a guy who was on the coach with us (where we were snogging ) who works in a different office is FB friends with half the office here. I can only hope he was too drunk to remember. The possible new role I've applied for can't come soon enough!

the mouse is still there. i took him to get snap traps, but then he lost the traps for a week....:(
the pillow is banned from my house.
The driving is annoying, sorry to those who dont drive, it might not be a problem if he didnt live as rurally. Hes been offered two new bands, both he wants to join, neither he can because he cant get to practice, which is in my town, he sort of hinted about staying here those nights, but i ignored it :) same as his work, all having to re apply for their own jobs, new, awful contract, wont look for anything else becuse his currect work is 2 mins walk from the train station, anywhere else will be too difficult. BUT, he just wont do it. He wont even start....
to me its a big deal. I cant help that it is, but it is.

Ill go on the date ( though ive not heard from him for 2 days) and maybe go from there.

sponge - office gossip, old news in a week or so, btw your dress looked lovely :)
whats the new job? im starting a new job in a few weeks :)

Yoga Glad you had lots of support here. I'd have been spitting mad as well. I've never been in that situation as when my ex left me DD was 8 months and so the few times she met OW she was too young to be affected by it.
Now DD has met ex's current GF but I'm ok with that. DD likes her and as long as I don't have to meet her I'm fine with that.

Watch - it will be SUCH a sweet moment when you get that new number. YWK will be bewildered as to why he cant contact you, poor lamb mwahahahaha
MrL is Mr Ineffectual. He's just not what you need, IMHO.
Second Sponge's idea to go on date with Beard.

Western hope you get good outcome re optician.

I had a phone date last night with geeky science man. Chatted away for an hour and agreed to meet. We'll have a few things in common if nothing else but I liked his down-to-earth manner

watch the driving thing bugs me too, not just in a partner but with adults in general. It's just a pet peave of mine - unless you live right in the middle of a city I think grown ups should be able to drive. (Sorry sponge, I think I remember you saying you don't drive. It's nothing personal, my sister-in-law doesn't drive either & I really, really like her) It's just one of those life skills I think people are supposed to learn. Sorry, I'll stop before I enter into rant territory.

Sponge am sure the 'wonderfully awkward' atmosphere at work is everyone else who's wondering if their co-workers know what they got up to!!

I get you about the driving Watch. I was talking to a man from POF the other day on the phone. He sounded ok, lives about 30 miles from me. He then said he cant drive, has no desire to but he has a skateboard. Well, he knew he was 30 miles away so how much use would a frigging skateboard be for 30 miles? Ok if he cant drive...then pick someone local.
He then messaged me apologising for "giggling too much" during our conversation....then he messaged me to say he has since had 2 POF meetups (I guess he means dates) and both were pleasant. Honestly, I do pick 'em....

Ive since hidden my POF profile. Sometimes I read on these message boards that internet dating is such great fun...people have met the most wonderful men...finally ending up with one Darling Man and a wonderful life....its just great to be called beautiful...I have found it, quite frankly hideous, demoralising and unpleasant.
If I had the money I would consider an introduction agency. Let the 3rd party do the leg work.

As watch said Sponge...gossip soon subsides. Good luck to all looking for and waiting for new job news.

Who is NOT actively dating (couching) at the moment? I know Sponge isnt.

But what if you don't want to drive? I don't rely on anyone else for transport, my dp drives, but I did quite fine for 20 years before that.

Scatty - I'm sort of on the sofa? Not interested in the Frenchman. No profiles on OKC or POF at the moment, just one kind of ticking over on GS but I'm not actively looking. Trying to concentrate on getting a job instead of a boyfriend.

HOWEVER...just got a message on GS from someone new. He doesn't look terrible interesting, but while i was checking him out I noticed Mr60 is back on GS. Don't know quite how to feel about that. We had a bit of fun flirting the other day which i know isn't going to lead anywhere (possibly a bit of shagging/FWB but I know nothing more). Still...felt a bit to realise he's looking for someone new.

If you dont want to drive, thats fine. For me, its about the logistics. If someone conacts me from POF for instance they can see where I live. 30+ miles would mean a potential meet in the middle distance (I am fairly rural) but that would mean a significant train/bus ride for the other person (with expense) and limited time as they would need to get back.
In the same city/town is fine. This man I was talking to hadnt thought of the logistics of meeting me.

Oh Yoga, I know that feeling well. Its horrible isnt it? An ex of mine was telling me that he has had a couple of offers recently. One woman asked him out for a drink and another hinted at something...plus a friend of his wanted to set him up on a blind date. Ex told me he wasnt interested in any of them and I cant tell you how relieved I was. Then I was upset at how relieved I was!

If you don't want to drive, I guess thats fine. But if it hampers your life, ie stops you socialising because you cant get anywhere, limits your employment, limits your hobbies.... Well, thats just nuts.
Which is why mrl and I are so different.and wont work, because he is happy like that.....

It's logistics. I'm not prepared to be someones taxi either.

Scatty - :) at skateboard :) I had a date with a very pretty man who bmx'ed everywhere and called people ' bro' pretty as he was we were not a match...

job is with same company as now, but different office and very different role. may not come off at all, but am hopeful. at the moment am just counting the hours til 5pm. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so young

I do understand the non-driving thing and how it must annoy those of you who can drive. I live in the London suburbs though and manage pretty well day to day without a car. I can walk to the supermarket and shops, and get the train to work. Driving isn't as essential to me as it would be someone who lived more rurally. I can't say it's been an issue with any man I dated (having never got beyond the first date of course!) and certainly it's never been a problem in the past. well, not so far as I'm aware anyway!

thanks for saying my dress looked lovely watch :) I actually felt really fat and hideous in it, hence having to get plastered to stop thinking about it. which then led to unfortunate though rather good given his age snogging...

Thats funny Watch. Im imagining your BMX lovely was in his 20's...this skateboarder was 47.

I need to wash my ex out of my hair. I have "seen" him a couple of times over the last 3 weeks. Thing is, I still have feelings for him, and he has for me. The last time we met he said the sex between us was nothing short of remarkable and he has started thinking about me again. Added to that his friends had been going on about me to him (praiseworthy statements).
However we are ex's for a reason...when he is lovely he is amazing but when he gets angry/frustrated he has a habit of firing very personal, very hurtful grenades which are both upsetting and very distressing. I have cried so much less since we split which is not a good sign about the relationship.

No Contact? Rose specs?

testing

It works!

I can drive but I sold my car a while ago, ostensibly because I dont need it, everywhere I want to go I can get the train/walk or cycle to.
It's also a handy way to get out of going places I dont want to go to:o

As for dating I make it clear that I'm not prepared to do any of the travelling, if he wont come to me it's no dice!