Huffy, illiterate men, scared of peas, it's a weird, weird dating world (No22)

[ChaoticismyLife]

Oh, watch...you mentioned flowers

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I have also been cheated on many times by my exp! And I know how terrible it feels and it does make me feel crap that I am participating in this!

When I met fwb I was only 18 and he has always been there lingering and he knows me quite well and seems to use that to his advantage big time! I seriously think it's for the best for me not to sleep with him anymore! But do you think that means cutting him out if my life completely? Or do you think we could still be friends?

And you are right, the boundaries are very blury here, as he very often implies that he loves me and says things like if this or that we would have been together in a relationship! And I know this is just to keep me there, as he knows that normally I don't do fwb relationships as I would feel like I was being used etc!

I'm feeling a part of me wants to meet up with him and the part of me that has respect for me as a person is saying no!

mercury the sex is good, that's the problem! Because I have had a crazy time since being single and slept with quite a few men and the sex has web crap with all of them bar one other guy! Bug I had been seeing him for a whole too.

But he wasn't right for me and was emotionally unavailable! And that's the type I seem to go for now, unavailable

i'd say he knows exactly how to pull your strings...you could cut the strings..if thats not over extending the metaphor

Also fwb has started a new job and is trying to use it as a excuse to come To see me all the time and it's making his lies easier!

He also has created a role for a parttime assistant and wants me to go for the job an he will interview me with his other colleague and pretend he doesn't know me and employ me!

It's strange that he keeps trying to make me be closer and closer to him all the time

I agree with Western, being cheated on is horrible.

Moving, you know that this cannot possibly end well, particularly if you accept that job.

He is just using you.

TBH, if he has no respect for his current partner, don't expect it from him.

Getting rid of this twat may well allow you to find that special person for you.

lueji everything you said is exactly what I know and feel! So I don't get why I'm letting him talk me round all the time!

Also I would not accept the job offer atall! I feel like its a way for him to have control in my life and I'm not letting that happen!

nocholas I know how horrible it is to me cheated on as it happens to me a lot with my dds dad! Also I would be grateful for a male opinion on this! About why he is trying to imply that he loves me etc. do you think it is just to keep me there? I don't understand why he would feel the need to go to all this bother just for some sex!

sounds like he wants total domination:.i mean liike the power to hire & fire you.

Of course if you are of a manipulative bent you could use him, it's pretty clear who has the greater need here, you could make him your bitch..but i doubt thats what you want !

it's not about sex it's about power, the need for power is a deeper drive

Mercury use him in what way?

I like having him as a friend and also enjoy the sex! I've never tried to use him, but do feel used right now!

And I do feel that it's a need for power as the impression i get is his partner is fully In charge and makes all decisions, earns more money etc!

But I have never given him any power other then letting him sleep with me knowing im not comfortable sleeping with someone else's partner!

And when I feel he is trying to push me to a new level with him I pull back£ like this job offer, I feel he wants to be too involved in my life!

moving don't you think you let him talk you round because you have feelings for him? If it were truly just a FWB thing it wouldn't be so hard. But you know how wrong it is to get involved in letting him cheat and lie to his partner. Try and remember just how horrible that feels for a minute and it should be easier to say no to him.

Kirsty - ugh. I think you need to treat this carefully. If he thinks that highly of himself and you knock him back I'd be worried he might start saying nasty things about you at work. I would tell him something that isn't going to bruise his ego too much just for the sake of keeping the peace at work - like, I'm sorry, I like you and I enjoyed our date but I just don't think this is what I'm looking for.

Sorry, x-posts. Reading more moving I think you have two clear choices:

1. Consider a full on relationship with him if he leaves his partner.

If you know that a relationship really is not what you want with him then you have to let him go completely. Think about what you're saying - you don't love him, you don't want to get to close, but you're willing to seriously hurt another woman just for a bit of sex with someone you 'like having as a friend'. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Don't kid yourself that he's the only one hurting is partner - it takes two of you to be complicit in it.

Sorry if that sounds really harsh but I think you're not being totally honest with yourself.

moving he's off limits. he's manipulative and deceitful. for all the 're;ationship' history, he's using youfor sex when things are a bit dull at home. he's a liar. the sex might be great but i think you're worth more than that. If you're only looking for a fwb - and i obviously see the benefits of that arrangement then look for a new one.

Kirsty not ideal, particularly as you'll be seeing a lot of him at work. i agree the red flags would overweigh the chemistry. I think this might be difficult for you as the chemistry will probably still be there... I think you basically have to say that you obviously like him, but you're looking for someone a bit more... mature? then he can either quantify his caddish comments or go away realising your looking for something different....

Yoga I'm just going to go for the 'I'm not ready .. it's all too much' chat but the problem there is that offers a later opening perhaps .. this has been hanging about in the background since the end of May so I'm worried that he won't just move on

Yogagirl, I do have some kind of feelings for him. sometimes I think I love him and sometimes I don't! I often feel like if he was single would I want to be in a relationship with him? And I think the answer is no, especially now because I know how he an lie etc when he is in a relationship!

I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to go about it! As I know when I get lonely he always manages to be there and talk me round again!

snape my nickname on here was Liarswife before - don't want to hook up with another one so I don't really want to give him another chance

After reading the relationships board on here I could never sleep with someone who had a partner. I think everyone deserves a lot more than that

Snape - everything you and everyone else has said so far is what I feel, like he does it for power, that he is using me and if maybe if he has a argument at home or is bored he starts hassling me!

My main worry is that even thought I know this I let it happen! And always go for men with issues I think to avoid getting close!

When actually I would love to get close to someone but am also scared! I sit think I want a fwb thing but am too scared to risk a real relationship! Also I havnt net anyone suitable that would be worth getting into a relationship with!

oh we're ALL scared moving we've all been hurt or treated abysmally and it takes a huge leap of faith to contemplate getting close to anyone ever again - of course it does, you're not alone in that! It takes a huge amount of perseverance for someone to get close to me, because if you let down your guard and loosen your undergarments armour, then you are giving someone the potential ability to hurt you. again. so I we set hurdles and barriers and push people away because I'm we're scared of more hurt...

and that really isn't a way to live a life. because you are then continuing to give the person who hurt you in the first place the gift of continuing to hurt you, because of being scared to be happy. The behaviour of other people acting the cunt continues to hurt us because we let it.

Kirsty it is very difficult isnt it - you need to be clear that it is never going to happen. Tell him you have genital herpes. works for me

a 9 yr habit is quite a thing to break Moving, you'll both be experts at pressing each others buttons after all that time.
I mean you can prob play him just as well as he plays you..even if you do it instinctively rather than in a calculated way

Moving forward - see, that's your username, so I think you want to be. This fwb isn't helping really, is he? He's not much of a friend, either, by the sound of it. It's nice to have someone around who's that familiar, but if he's not bringing out the best in you as a friend, what's the point?

Kirsty, I feel for you. A simple "this isn't going to work for me, lovely as you are etc". End of. If he questions any further, then you know you were right to say no, because he isn't respecting your wishes. As for the chemistry, he doesn't know what you're feeling.

You want a male perspective Moving, so here goes:-

You allow him space in your heart and head and pants. He's something I'm not and never could be; a bloody good liar and a cheat. You're giving him permission to treat you badly, and that needs to stop.

Both you and Snape are right wrt to relationships. Starting a new one is bloody scary, I never let my guard down nowadays for fear of getting hurt. FWBs are better IMO, you can leave your baggage at the door, though there are pitfalls. I found out one former FWB was married and TTC. I ended it, her H didn't find out.

I hope I will be able to let my guard down when the time is right ie not on date number one. I know I have a lot of problems in trusting men, after my last experience with my ex, but I have been thinking about this a lot and coming to realise that it wasn't me trusting him that made everything go wrong, it was him being an abusive unfaithful violent twat that did it. I would rather be me and be maybe a bit naive and ready to believe the good in people than be him, a cynical manipulator playing on what he perceives as weakness. My natural tendency was to withdraw and push people away to protect myself but two years almost since the actual end of the relationship, eight/nine years since he started all his shit, I have come to the conclusion that the only person I am hurting by doing that is myself. So I am fighting it! It's not easy, but I am trying. Any advice?

ohwestern :) No advice because you've come to a marvellous conclusion all by yourself. the only thing I would say is to keep recognising that it has not been your behaviour that has influenced his behaviour. While i generally agree with 'no-one can make you feel anything, you are in charge of your emotions - i think that should have the codecil that this mindset does not give other people permission to act atrociously.