happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Don't worry, chances are that you will either call it off before next week or you will take one look at him and go 'Meh, what was that all about'.

Abroad = exotic
UK = not exotic

Can you give a clue as to his nationality? Age compared to you? What is he visiting FOR? Business or you?

Don't want to give too much away - paranoid....he is European, he is within a 5 year range of my age either side I would think - hard to say for sure ....we did not discuss this, he is here anyway for business trip, and is tacking on an extra day at the end to spend a night with me in a hotel.

At the moment I can't see myself calling it off. Actually I'm in a state of nerves in case he does. Bad.

The choice is simple, see the other guy and ruin your marriage/betray your husband, risk all that you have that you say is good. Or...don't.

I can see the temptation...but if you don't want to completely f* up what you describe as a marriage in which you love your husband, you have a good sex life and nothing is wrong...for a short-term relationship with someone who is married and 'totally unsuitable' then you will have to try to distract yourself.

Don't meet up with the OM. Cut all communication. Put your energy into something else.

This is why I don't get teh big deal about marriage and the vows? Did you not mean what you said? This is all about you and thrill seeking tbh I am not criticising it sounds a nightmare but really all you can do is put your dh first here and respect him above the other man. Or come clean and face the music

You can resist if you want to, you are entirely in control of your actions - you are not Cathy and he ain't Heathcliff.

You just have to choose to want to - and right now you don't. Once the balance tips you will.

The question is really what would make you stop? Your dh finding out - imagining the hurt you will cause him? Find the key that makes you stop.

Just picture your husband's face if he were to walk in on you whilst you and Mr Irresistible were in bed.

Would it still be worth it?

As a side note..if you can organise this meeting of minds shall we say, then surely it would be easy to organise a few meetings with a counsellor, you could go in your lunch time, or even do it over the phone in a quite room.

I would strongly suggest you go down this route,there is something missing for you if this is so out of character. Has there been a loss or a death recently? The reason I ask is because if this is so out of character than normally there is a trigger somewhere that hasnt occured to yet. xx

Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself (or somesuch, am not familiar with the bible).

Seriously, seriously, have a long cold hard think about how you would feel if your dh was deceiving you like this.

You know when you resist that extra glass of wine cos you'll feel hungover tomorrow or eating cake because your jeans are getting tight? That's called exercising your will, that is, and you need to do it here.

Oh please of course you could resist if you wanted to don't try and make out it is beyond you.

Maybe you could blame the first times as heat of the moment however you have coldly, deliberately arranged to meet up when he is in the UK.

All SO true and exactly what I would have said myself - to anyone else who asked and for the last 20 years
It is so much more difficult that I thought - I deserve the criticism.
What I am struggling with is - it sounds simple - just to find that willpower. I don't know how to do that and I suppose I need support and encouragement, which of course I can't get because can't talk to anyone, which is why I am on here...:) so thank you. It is scary how I can have behaved in a way that seemingly is so different from who I thought I was, and am still thinking in that way. Why did I do that is the question that is tormenting me constantly.

What is the real attraction here?
Is it the danger?
Was the sex that good?
Is it the feeling of having a secret from your DH, a part of yourself that he doesn't know about for a change?

Identify what the real driver is here and then find an alternative - if you really want to keep your marriage safe, then ditch the OM and find another outlet for whatever dissatisfaction you are currently suffering from.

Oh Scorpio, your husband's heart will break if he finds out.

You did it because you could and because the element of surprise/excitement has gone from your marriage and your ego took over from your moral side. You can easily just say no willpower schmillpower Really would you be happy for your dh to go on a voyage of discovery like this in order to feel that thrill? Can't you channel these feelings into your marriage? No matter what you do this will come back to haunt you as you will always be wondering what if. You need to work on teh relationship you are in not start another!

Thumbwitch you make good points. Actually the sex wasn't that good. I think it was the ego boost if I am honest. specifically, a part of myself that DH doesn't know about for a change. That hits the nail on the head. If anyone else has been monogamous for as long as me do you know what I mean? Also that feeling, I am within hailing distance of 50, and a man looked at me in "that" way. Somewhere that feeling went through my head, before I actually slept with the OM, i have a choice, I could go to my grave and never experience that again, or I could just do it, DH will never know.
Good suggestion about seeking help and advice. Thank you.

I recognise all those thoughts it is def an age thing with me but I would never act on it and try and keep that side of my relationship at the forefront of my mind when I feel a bit like that. Can you make it enough that it actually happened so you know you still could iygwim?

I'm not sure what you mean by will power, because you will have to get out of your way, and your family, to meet and sleep again with this man.

Just think of how important they are to you when you feel weaker.
Or maybe they're not.

Have a think about what exactly you want from this. Is it the sex or is it just the excitement?

If this is not a reaction to marital problems or a relationship gone stale then you need to figure out what's going on with you that makes you put a cheap fumble in a hotel room with a virtual stranger over the happiness of the person who has loved, respected and supported you over all these years.

If the love is gone then fair enough. That happens. But your DH has done nothing to deserve this so if it's excitment and the cheap thrill of being told your pretty maybe it's best to end your relationship and pursue a string of flings. That way, you'll always have the excitement of a new "relationship" and nobody gets crushed because you can't say no.

OP you don't need help but your DH does, he doesn't know his partner is a liar and a cheat. Come clean and let him decide if her wants to stay with you or if he wants to be free to find someone else.

All right, so he made you feel special in a way you haven't for a while - and it was someone different than the man you're married to, so no obligation to do so.

You've had the experience now. May I suggest that if you do meet up with him again, it actually won't be the same - not nearly as thrilling, and possibly somewhat tawdry? This bloke now sees you as a soft target - he may not even bother to charm you as much this time around - which could make you feel terrible.

So, I would file it under "secrets that my DH will never know about me" and change your plans about meeting the OM again.

If you are bothered about feeling sexy and attractive as you near 50, can you do something to re-vamp your image, wake your DH up a bit? Perhaps take up a new hobby, something that you've always wanted to give a go but never got around to?

But bin the OM, please.

Also to bear in mind - you might be able to hide this from husband - but the OM might not be as careful - or have a prying wife who knows where to find the evidence (lots of other forums for where to look).

She could be the one to tell your husband - no matter how clever you've been covering your tracks.

Don't assume you won't be found out - I reckon the majority of cheaters think this too.

The issue here is thinking about the consequences that could come from this - you should be able to draw from that.

You could break your dh's heart.
You could ruin a 20+year relationship and make it completely meaningless to your dh
You could break up your family
You could lose the respect of family and friends

Try and imagine how you would feel if your dh found out and your marriage imploded - you become single and live on your own in a house/flat/bedsit.

Your next posting on MN could be:

Relationships: I had a brief affair with a guy in France and now my dh has kicked me out and refuses to speak to me. He has already filed for a divorce, but I still love him and want to make it work. What can I do?

You might get away with it this time, but then where does it stop? If you do this, then why not more lies when you next go to xxx on business?

Please read some of the threads in Relationships and imagine causing your dh that kind of pain. You know a cheap shag is not worth it - and you should be worth more than that.

How old are your kids ?

Given that (if on the younger side) you are risking ther happy home, I think you need to factor in their needs and place them above your wants. Ie their need not to have their family hurled into turmoil, or even a complete life changing event like a formerly stable family replaced with scattered hurt, angry and blindsided people.

If older...well young adults can be terribly unforgiving and moralistic when it comes to their parents. Your husband isn't the only person you risk alienating.

Get yourself checked out for STIs and grow the fuck up.

And OMG at this thread. Picture 'I'm a bloke, I went abroad and shagged a total stranger. I don't want to loose my wife' The responses wouldn't be quite so measured and pandering.