happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

I'm with Orm. You don't need to reflect on it, you need to stop it.

If you go ahead with this meeting, you are making a bad situation worse, and I creasing your chances of being caught out.

Ask yourself this question: Could I tell my children what I am doing?

Ok OP, this is my last post under this name as it's time for me to move on from the Relationship board.

I've benefitted so much from this board since I was cheated on so I'd like to try and help you if I can.

Think of times in your marriage that were happy. Really picture them - your wedding day, fab days out or holidays, special times with your husband.

If he finds out about your fling, he'll never be able to look back at those happy memories again without a degree of pain. To a spouse who has been cheated on, all these things are tainted because you are no longer the person they thought you were. You are someone who thinks so little of them, you have thrown them- and the years of the marriage- away for a cheap and egotistical shag. Not a fair exchange, I think.

Being cheated on feels like a comprehensive rejection of the spouse as a person - like being thrown in the bin or being treated like a discarded toy. It's a rejection of the marriage vows you made. They meant nothing when it came to it.

Thinking of the physical fact of another man touching you intimately and vice versa will be a torment.

Being cheated on can really really mess with a person's head and their whole world view. It's like coming home on Christmas Eve to a warm, lit house smelling of Christmas cooking, wanting to be welcomed home by your spouse and finding a stranger in the hallway with a long and bloody knife.

Honestly, being cheated on is like childbirth - you cannot really imagine the extent of the pain and the ripples of it through your whole life and your whole being until it's happened to you. It is utterly devastating.

Now go and look at your hunsband right now and see whether you want to do that to him.

Good luck and FFS delete OM s number and block further texts etc after you've told him not to contact you again. If you can't do that simple thing, then you have to tell your husband and leave your marriage.

Three years ago I risked my 20 year marriage for similar 'pleasures' turned out I was vulnerable but for unexpected reason - I was later diagnosed as bipolar and was manic at the time. It nearly destroyed DH. I have never seen a person so utterly humiliated and hurt,his self esteem was rock bottom. I am racked with guilt every day still even though we got through it. I also look back at OM now not with rose tinted glasses but with the cold light of what a scumbag he was. Married women are not fair game. He used to whine 'make time for me' ie give the time that belonged to my kids to him. Seemed to feel I owed him something. Showed he thought of my DH with utter contempt. Tbh I think he got more of a kick out of having another man's woman without his knowledge than out of me.
Everyday now I feel blessed by what I have and the love I have. Please don't lose what you have. My DH still has flashbacks and doesn't sleep. Don't do that to your DH. Its a killer ignoring txts etc. It takes ages to move on. But it can be done. Good luck

Scorpio - you need to cancel this assignation ASAP. Just bloody do it, woman.

I am still of the opinion that, if you stop this right now, you should never tell your DH as it was a one-off moment of stupid weakness.
If, however, as someone else has pointed out, you do it again - well then you're in pre-meditated adultery and you bloody well should tell him because it's an ongoing affair.

It's NOT FUCKING WORTH IT!!

Sort yourself out, right now, before it's too late. Cancel the sleazy bastard (who is also cheating on his own wife and is therefore acting despicably as well), lose his number, NEVER respond to any texts from him after you tell him that it was a one-off mistake, never to be repeated.

Take up parachuting if you want a cheap thrill - throw yourself out of a plane instead. At least your DH is less likely to leave you over that. And in the meantime, go to the doctor and get a health check - for menopause, diabetes and anything else you can think of because surely you've developed a small level of insanity to still even be considering taking this any further forward.

Scorpio listen to Thumb she speaks sense.

You didn't say how old your children are but be aware that if they are older then it is entirely possible for them to find out about the affair.

When I was a teenager my dads OW phoned me up and told me all about her affair with my DAD and how awful it was with her. This basically shattered my teenage years and really really fucked up my relationship with him for a long time. Do you really want that for your kids?

Failing such a bombshell happening, be aware that children snoop, read texts, rummage through drawers etc Have you considered how you would feel if they found a text, had a friend who saw you meeting at a hotel when you said you'd be somewhere else etc etc

I do agree with the general consensus that your shagfest abroad is understandable but to continue would be madness. And cruel. Are you cruel op?

I haven't read the entire thread - quite frankly, OP you need to be told in no uncertain terms that you are behaving in a DISGUSTING manner.

You are approaching 50 years old. You are not 15.

Christ almights, these sorts of posts really, really piss me off. Who the hell do you think you are? You have no right to jeapardise the life of a committed and loving husband, just because you crave a bit of excitement.

Disgusting!

Your DH (yes Dear HUSBAND) deserves better than you. With any luck he'll find out, ditch you and find somebody who won't betray him after 20 years, who can be trusted not to witter on a public forum about your "hard choice".

This is the saddest, most self serving thread I have EVER seen on Mumsnet in 10 years on this site.

I'm not going to say anything

Please don't do this to him

:(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1559389-Why-have-an-affair-if-you-dont-want-to-leave-your-marriage Read this, Scorpio.

Would agree RightFedUp( and all the best to you) with all your post except the childbirth bit,painful but bringing something wonderful into the world and a new beginning.But when I fund out my DH was essentially being unfaithful it was like a bereavement.The loss of something precious and cherished.Trust,respect and love.

These have slowly come back OP because he got caught out before it got physical,not sure I could have got those images out of my head ever, and beacause he's worked hard on himself to see why he was so vulnerable.And to see why he nearly threw away a long and loving marriage for the excitement and ego boost of a relationship with an OW that meant nothing to him.
As for children,ours are young adults but sadly knew what their dad had been up to because our DD had just let herself in the house when we were having a heated discussion following OWs DH making contact about the texts on his wife phone,and overheard.They love their dad, and like me have forgiven him and it's good that they seen us work through this,but it was traumatic for all -DH included- and changes your family dynamics in the most awful way.

So OP what will you do now?You have made a big mistake already but you've a chance to minimise the damage,learn and move on.Or you can go ahead and compound it by proceeding with this insane 'rendezvous'.Like Thumbwitch I advised the OW - which you now are- to take up,bungee jumping if she wanted a thrill and excitement.
Yes I spoke to her - so be prepared for discovery and a world of hurt when the shit hits the fan as they say.

Suocera, I think you are going a bit OTT, it was a fling yes, bad behaviour yes, totally agree she shouldn't have etc etc but now that she HAS, let's try to help eh? I can only assume this has touched a nerve for you but OP came on to ask for our advice, not flagellation

Right from the start this has not been a one off fling. Right from the start she arranged for a repeat. All the way through the thread she has made it clear that she intends to frame her behaviour in "It just happened, there must be a reason why I have no will power/am not as strong as the other posters, oh woe is me, I know it is wrong but I just can't help myself" cue sound of responsibility for choices made being washed off hands and replaced with navel gazing.

And yes it touched a nerve. Not so much the shag, it happens. People fuck up, realise they have fucked up and half kill themselves to put things right as much as they can, torment themselves about the hurt they risked washing over the lives of the people (large and small) that they love and make sure it is they who bear the majority of the burden, not their loved one.

What has touched a nerve is the utter lack of empathy for her husband and children. I have CPed all her posts below and highlighted mentions of her DH and kids. In the sea of I, myself and me....where do you see the merest hint that she has made even the smallest attempt to recognise that her choices, based on her wants, mean she is playing with fire that has every chance of leaving her husband and kids so emotionally burned that they barely recognise themselves or their lives ?

She is reducing them to cardboard cutouts in the drama she wants to dress her life in at the moment. They come across as being utterly 2 dimensional to her. And yes, that touches a nerve. The infidelity is by the by, it's just a symptom of yet another person descending into "it's all about me" with no thought for the lives they are trampling. In myriad of contexts, not just infidelity, I have seen and helped in the aftermath of too many trampled kids and adults and seen the weeping scars, that never fully heal, of knowing a person they trusted and loved saw them as nothing more than collateral damage in a soap opera they wanted to make their life a little less mundane and a tad more exciting.

If there had been ANYTHING in what she wrote that demonstrated she had given a thought about what this could mean for her husband, kids, extended family RATHER THAN JUST HERSELF then I'd be a little more sympathetic. But what struck me from the first was her self obsessed attitude and nothing she has written since has underlined any change in her making a total priority of "me me me me me".

This page is filled with people who have never met her husband/children, yet they are showing them a level of consideration and concern that their wife/mother won't. Because if she does, she'll have to stop seeing this man. And she doesn't want to do that.

Read her posts and tell me I'm wrong. I have bolded every mention she has made of her husband and children. Compare those references with all the mentions she makes about how SHE feels. Compare them with the number of times she frames her reluctance to cancel the next appointment for sex as beyond her control due to a lack of will power and not being as strong as the posters on here rather than what it actually was and is, her choice to prioritise her want for excitment over her family's need not to be firebombed.

That is what I am reacting to. The complete and utter lack of empathy that would require her to see her husband and children as real live people, instead of the "boring" backdrop to provide necessary contrast for the excitement of a few zipless fucks and the next one she is planning. She will most likely take advice not to tell her husband and extend it into "hiding it from him for his own sake, because I'm just so kind" for not just what has been done so far, but what she is going to do next. And maybe the times after that with the next man/men too. Sooner or later she is probably going to get caught and the shit will hit the fan and splatter her family. So far she has shown absolutely no intension to consider that in any detail, and certainly not from their perspective.

So yes, I find her behaviour selfish in the extreme, immature and repugnant.

I don't think it does her any favours to hide that. It is just the tiniest taste of what will hit her like a Tsunami from alll sides when she does get caught. If she doesn't like it, given that she comes across as very motivated to prioritise her feelings above anybody else's, maybe that will motivate her to stop while she still can... for her own sake. Because I don't think there is any point in appealing to her better nature and asking her to think about what this could mean for her DH and kids.

OP's posts. Refs to husband and children in bold.
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Add message | Report | Message poster scorpiomyrtlock Tue 11-Sep-12 14:49:21
This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

"........

Don't want to give too much away - paranoid....he is European, he is within a 5 year range of my age either side I would think - hard to say for sure ....we did not discuss this, he is here anyway for business trip, and is tacking on an extra day at the end to spend a night with me in a hotel.

At the moment I can't see myself calling it off. Actually I'm in a state of nerves in case he does. Bad.

...........

All SO true and exactly what I would have said myself - to anyone else who asked and for the last 20 years
It is so much more difficult that I thought - I deserve the criticism.
What I am struggling with is - it sounds simple - just to find that willpower. I don't know how to do that and I suppose I need support and encouragement, which of course I can't get because can't talk to anyone, which is why I am on here... so thank you. It is scary how I can have behaved in a way that seemingly is so different from who I thought I was, and am still thinking in that way. Why did I do that is the question that is tormenting me constantly.

...........

Thumbwitch you make good points. Actually the sex wasn't that good. I think it was the ego boost if I am honest. specifically, a part of myself that DH doesn't know about for a change. That hits the nail on the head. If anyone else has been monogamous for as long as me do you know what I mean? Also that feeling, I am within hailing distance of 50, and a man looked at me in "that" way. Somewhere that feeling went through my head, before I actually slept with the OM, i have a choice, I could go to my grave and never experience that again, or I could just do it, DH will never know.
Good suggestion about seeking help and advice. Thank you.

........

I am so grateful for all of this. Everyone is right. It is hard to read it.
I needed to hear harsh words and reality. Thank you
I have been behaving like a teenager and that is how I am feeling when I definitely should know better. I wish I could
have been as strong and sure of myself as those writing on here. I cannot defend my actions.

...........

I am lurking and plucking up courage to come on and post again

There is some really good advice and I feel really helped that this is putting things in perspective for me. I do think I need to talk to someone in some way to understand my actions. What is coming across is that others sometimes do feel this way - have either had strength of character which I could not find not to act on it, or did so and regretted it. I never for one moment want this thing to go anywhere in fact I did not think its likely I'd see much of this guy after next week anyway it was only co-incidence that he happened to be visiting and he doesn't visit that often. I don't want to do it again with anyone else.
Thank you for your advice - wise, harsh, insulting, it all helps
Am still struggling. I should cancel but i have not yet.

.........

I don't have any argument with what you've just posted there, Suocera - I think it's all completely valid and true, the OP is totally caught up in her own selfish drama and not considering the potential fallout.

But you were advocating that the fallout MUST happen - that she should tell her DH and take the hell that follows - and that's what I disagree with. I still don't agree that her entire family should be punished for her behaviour, but it has to stop now (her behaviour, I mean).

"This is the saddest, most self serving thread I have EVER seen on Mumsnet in 10 years on this site."

Moniker, very sadly she is describing the lure of an affair. When therapists say it isn't about the sex but the feeling of being alive, desired, special - she describes it all. And it is SO ADDICTIVE she is prepared to throw her family under a bus for it.

And this person? Is one of the few who is honest enough/has enough self-awareness that she turns to MN for a bollocking reality check and help.

THAT is what is so frightening. How powerful this draw is. How little the utter destruction and hurt and fallout features...

'Infidelity: the sacrifice of so much, for so little' - Frank Pittman

But you were advocating that the fallout MUST happen - that she should tell her DH and take the hell that follows

No I did not.

I said she couldn't choose not telling her husband and frame it as the kind thing or right thing to do.

I said she had to make a choice to either tell her husband for the sake of respecting his right to know who is sharing his life with and make his own choice as to whether he can continue or not OR not tell him for the sake of not risking the destruction of her children's happy home.

Either way she does the wrong thing by somebody. Again. Either way she
lets somebody down. Again. Either way she is in the wrong. Again. That is already an avoidable consequence of just her choices so far.

These shags were not and will not be cost free even at this point where one can minimse it by calling it a moment of temp. madness ... rather than a habit. If the price is so high at this point alone what the hell is going to be when she moves from spur of the moment to pre meditated betrayal and lies ?

There has been enough self deception and convienient refaming by the OP. That is what got her into this mess in the first place. Clinging on to those stratagies are going to lead her further into the mire.

Good luck Op. What a pickle, putting things mildly.

I don't think you're a bitch though. How is saying that sort of thing helpful to anyone, it's just having a go because you can, which is not on Adviceinscotland

Excellent posts SuoceraBlues

I really feel for your husband and children. Your actions have stated very clearly that to you this stranger, who is only interested in your vagina, is more important than your family.

I apologise then Suocera - that's not what I got from your previous posts - it looked to me as though you were saying she had to tell him because it was his right to know.

make a choice: your DH and your real life
OR
your lover
which would you like to hold your hand through chemotherapy?

for gods sake, grow up

Speaking as someone who has just found out two days ago that my DH was unfaithful, and it was just for flattery he didn't even fancy her (I knew her, she looks like a hamster), first time ever, I say stop, tell him what has happened and deal with it. I found out about what my DH did and that was ten times worse than him telling me, which would have been more forgivable. I've berated him over and over for not telling me about it and trying to keep it a secret. Everyone makes mistakes, does stupid things from time to time, but the deception is worse than the act I think. So sorry you are in this dilemma. My DH has been in bits since I found out and he's terrified about the future now, but far better than living a lie I think.

How is saying that sort of thing helpful to anyone

It is a tiny tiny tiny taste of what she'll get thrown at her when the shit hits the fan, which it very often does when the protagonist is in "dizzy teenager" mode rather than a calm, calculated cheater.

It helps her becuase if she finds it hardgoing when an internet random calls her a bitch then she might wake up to the fact that she is likely to be called an awful lot worse by people whose opinions actually matter to her. Possibly that is a potential consequance she feels could not live with and will take steps to avoid heightening the risk of it becoming her new reality.

BeckyBendyLegs

Oh love, I am so very very sorry. I hope the rebuilding is as painless and sucessful as possible.

SuoceraBlues thank you that means a huge amount to me. I haven't been able to tell anyone in the RL except one friend. My mum rang today, which was hell as I just chatted about normal stuff. I can't tell her.

I'll stop now, this isn't my thread! Sorry.