happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

So sorry becky It's shit. I have never known pain and confusion like it. I don't think I deserved it. Don't expect you did. Doesn't sound like OPs' H does either.

OP - I completely understand what you are saying about feeling swept away by it all, the appeal of being desirable by someone else, the excitement, I guess especially so when you are getting older. It's almost irresistible - note almost irresistible. But as you are an intelligent human being not a bit of random driftwood you can actually turn against the tide. But it's up to you. If you think your H deserves the pain, to feel the emotions that becky and I and many other on here and in RL are experiencing, go ahead. Or alternatively leave him - don't be a cake eater.

OP, you sound incredibly selfish and self indulgent and totally lacking in empathy. Its all about you.

Perhaps you should stop and take a long hard look at your H and DC and picture what their lives will become if this affair rips it apart.

Have been there myself as a result of a cheating H and it is the most awful thing. DS2 still remembers the day when his dad left and 3 yrs old recalling it reduces him to tears sometime. Our lives became incredibly hard, because in addition to the emotional pain we all had to deal with the financial and practical fall out of our subsequent divorce. My children love their father, but they know how he let them down.

Is that the future you want for your children, you selfish woman??

OP, you have opened my eyes a little as to how these affairs happen. After all these years of marriage, this other man has suddenly made you feel wanted, paid attention to you, and you succumbed. So, is this a mid-life-crisis?

There are so many threads I read on the relationship board of mumsnet about men giving this "excuse" for their infidelity, is your sense of self esteem so low that you need to feel someone outside of your marriage is attracted to you to make you feel good?

After reading your post, it is clear to be that these mistakes happen because we take our husbands/wives/partners for granted, because we think he or she would never do something like this. I don't condone affairs, they shouldn't happen, but I can see why they happen. I am going to stop taking my DH for granted, I am going to make him feel loved, liked and wanted.

As for you, I would NOT tell your husband anything. This was a mistake. However, I do think you need to rekindle your relationship with him, take a holiday away just the two of you and you will remember why you are married to him for 20 years. Please don't throw your happiness and that of your family away like this.

Nope. Calling OP a bitch is just plain nasty. But you carry on if it makes you feel better. She's not so dumb she needs everything pointing out to her, I'm guessing.

Orm, how are you doing now? Are things settling down?

Hi thumb. Still on that rollercoaster. Some days are really good, some are really bad - most are OKish. I am still so oversensitive to all his moods and actions. I want to give myself a slap sometimes.

Okay, instead of running exciting sexy scenes involving this guy through your head, try running through in great detail the scene where you tell your kids that you will be splitting up with their dad, then the ones where you tell the rest of your family. No one will be happy for you, they will all think you are selfish. That will be clear through the tears and shock on their faces. HTH

You can save your marriage in 5 minutes.
Step 1. Text cancellation and not to contact you.
Step 2. Delete phone number.

Agreed calling OP a bitch is unhelpful. We may as well all call her names so she is prepared for what may come if she takes this cause of action.

Orm, it's still relatively early days - sounds like you're coping pretty well all things considered, tbh. Re-direct your slapping longings to the root cause though... .One of those desk punchbags, with a picture on it, maybe.

Orm thank you, I guess something similar has happened to you. Shittiest thing ever that has happened to me.

I agree that hurling personal insults at the OP is wrong. Things are never just black and white in the real world. It's sad that someone can't ask for advice without being insulted in return.

The OP did ask for "help" in her title, though I think she may have gone ...

I hope you get the emotional clarity you need.

I think she has gone too...These sort of threads always go the same way. Every time. It's so unhelpful.

No-one could be more obsessively anti-infidelity than me but the people mud slinging and name calling on here should be ashamed of themselves.

Make you feel better about yourselves does it?

There are plenty of posters here with threads on this board who have been on the receiving end of the devastating effects infidelity but have responded thoughtfully and with heartfelt advice.

Of course OP has done something very wrong and potentionally extremely damaging and hurtful to her family - she knows that which is why she's asking for help to stop herself.

I don't think all the responses were that aggressive. But, yes, I guess they were quite judgemental - it's hard not to be when someone is doing something that you think is just plain wrong and so damaging. When you are living with the consequences it's hard not to express that anger when you see someone doing the same thing.

I don't think she's a bitch FWIW - too simplistic. Good people do bad things -doesn't make them bad.

Don't be so sure your husband won't find out. You don't have control over other people's actions. The OM could turn a bit stalkerish and try contacting you at home. He could be careless and his wife could find out and track you/your dh down.

My dh had a fling around the age of 50 and for him it was all about the buzz he got - flattery, excitement etc rather than any great feeling for the OW. He saw it as completely separate from his life with me and was sure I would never know. After one visit to a hotel he came to his senses. Unfortunately the OW was besotted and kept pestering him. Eventually, her DH picked up her phone, read some texts and put two and two together. He visited us early the next morning as the kids were getting ready for school, screamed awful things that they could hear and then assaulted my dh.

I was in complete shock for days and, over 2 years later, I am still struggling to come to terms with what the whole thing. We are still together and in many ways have a stronger relationship but one that has been irrevocably scarred.

I don't know if you should tell your dh or not. Mine said it was a relief when it all came out as he had been carrying an unbearable burden of guilt. If you can live with the guilt of what you have done, the fear of your dh finding out and cope with the fallout if someone else tells him, then maybe you should keep quiet. As others have said, the pain of being cheated on is devastating.

Not all the responses were aggressive at all - most weren't. Most were hard hitting, honest and designed to shake OP out of it.

But the ones calling OP a bitch and the most selfish woman they have ever seen in MN in 10 years (really? you're not on here much then!)...shameful and utterly unhelpful for anyone.

"really? you're not on here much then!..."

I have been monogamous for 15 years and I understand what an ego boost it might be.. but it's simple. You can sit with this feeling of want, be aware of it, feel it fully and regret that you don't currently have that excitement/ego boosting in your relationship (and may never, you can't really recapture the thril of a new encounter with a long-time partner exactly I think) BUT the bottom line is, are you going to act in accordance with your values? Where is this taking you? Visualise all the consequences, sit and make yourself think of how they would feel. It just won't end well. You KNOW this.

Well, you have had your ego boost, and betrayed your husbands trust.

If you have any sense, you cancel this sordid arrangement. A hotel with a European business partner, it cant be more cliche.

I know an OW whose facebook page is completely open. There are photo's on there of her kid's graduation, details about her husband etc. It would take a pissed off wife less than a minute to post the sordid details on her wall - in full view of her husband, kids, parents, colleagues, friends and rain a complete shit storm down on her life.

If I were you, I'd extricate myself from this asap, before the choice isn't yours to make any more.

After reading your post, it is clear to be that these mistakes happen because we take our husbands/wives/partners for granted, because we think he or she would never do something like this. I don't condone affairs, they shouldn't happen, but I can see why they happen. I am going to stop taking my DH for granted, I am going to make him feel loved, liked and wanted.

Then if I may say so TimetoAsk you've absorbed the wrong message from this thread. The OP has said nothing about her husband not making her 'feel loved, liked and wanted' - just the opposite in fact, and yet this STILL happened.

As it does, to people in perfectly good, loving marriages. Because affairs like this aren't about someone's marriage.

You'd be better off having a conversation with your husband about how you as individuals can protect your own fidelity. Just having a good relationship won't provide that protection.

I'm also sorry to see the thread go this way and that the OP hasn't come back.

I don't think it's just people who've been on the receiving end of infidelity who have responded harshly - and some haven't AFAIK.

I think there are responses from people who feel frightened by a thread like this, because it shows that if a happy person with a strong marriage can do this, anyone can. And there's not a damned thing you can do about it, because you cannot control your partner's behaviour.

So I think fear is a motivation for some of the harsher posts. I hope the OP takes that into account as a possibility and doesn't lose sight of the other advice she's been given.

I'm glad she was brave enough to start this thread. She writes about an affair a lot of people like to believe doesn't happen.

But they do happen and they are happening more than some people realise, to ordinary couples in good relationships.

I said the OP was self serving.

I stand by that.

I said she was selfish. It is my considered opinion and I dont think that is particularly harsh.

Having been married to serial cheater, I do think that their defining characteristic is that they see their right to happiness or excitement as overriding the rights of anyone else in their relationships or family dynamic.

She might not be posting, but I bet she is still reading