happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

I think that's pretty common tbh chandon. I have felt like that before and I think it is to do with feeling undervalued and the resentment of being taken for granted, like you say though I think most people feel guilty, have a good cry and find something else to occupy them :)

I hope you have cancelled OP, you will never forgive yourself if you forfeit your marriage for this

Sooo, he is tagging on an extra day to his business trip for some hot cock action with you. Consider this scenario:

His company were paying for him to stay in a reasonably nice hotel - a Radisson, say. As he is staying an extra night, he won't pay the Radisson's rates from his own pocket, so he has checked out and is now booked into a travelodge/premier inn. The hotel "restaurant" is McDonalds or Pizza Hut. However, he is not treating you to dinner, so he will merely lead you straight upstairs to his sterile room for sex. You have rather sordid sex, noticing as he is humping away and grunting on top of you that there is a funny stain on the ceiling. After the final grunt, roll of eyes (his "coming" face) and little scream, he rolls off, uninterested in your pleasure and leaving you to make your way to the bathroom, the evidence of this sordid little coupling running down your legs.

Unfortunately, budget hotels don't provide toiletries and he has neglected to buy any...

Still sound exciting and romantic?

Sorry havent read the thread but I'd caution you to think carefully.

These things have a habit of coming out sometime down the line and the level of pain, hurt and upset they cause is totally disproportionate to the amount of satisfaction you get out of a few hours of sexual release.

First of all, you are very self-aware to realise that this is about you - and not your husband or your marriage. That means you're not going to be led down any false tracks about why this has happened. It sounds as though you are taking full personal responsibility for this too and you're not blaming the OM for pressing the agenda and accelerating the affair.

I hope you'll find it in yourself to stop this now, as much for your own sake as the others caught up in a drama not of their making, but I think that's when the real work starts. I think you'd find it helpful to work out why this has happened and why now?

Have a think back to your state of mind before this business trip. How were you feeling about you as an individual? Could there be any links with your age and concern that you'd become invisible to other men? Any low self-esteem as a young adult about your looks and potential attractiveness to men? Has anything happened in recent months that has caused you to take stock of life a bit? Any health scares, bereavements, disappointments/rejections, other long marriages breaking up and newly single friends?

You're quite objective about the OM and his qualities and so I wonder whether the attraction of this was the feelings it gave you about you as a person - and not this particular man. If so, this will make ending it with him simpler, but you need to find out why this has happened so that you don't seek to replicate these addictive feelings with someone else who's more threatening, further down the line.

Take your time with a decision about sharing this with your husband. Secrets like this can have a fairly profound effect on a close and loving relationship and the trouble with this particular kind of secret is that the taboo has gone and getting away with it without consequence can have a strange impact on your view of yourself and also of your husband. However, your husband's needs (rather than yours) need to be taken into account and it's possible he would rather not know, as long as it never happens again. I'd suggest some therapy for that particular dilemma, but take care of the practical stuff first. End it and insist on no contact.

I am lurking and plucking up courage to come on and post again

There is some really good advice and I feel really helped that this is putting things in perspective for me. I do think I need to talk to someone in some way to understand my actions. What is coming across is that others sometimes do feel this way - have either had strength of character which I could not find not to act on it, or did so and regretted it. I never for one moment want this thing to go anywhere in fact I did not think its likely I'd see much of this guy after next week anyway it was only co-incidence that he happened to be visiting and he doesn't visit that often. I don't want to do it again with anyone else.
Thank you for your advice - wise, harsh, insulting, it all helps
Am still struggling. I should cancel but i have not yet.

Don't be too hard on yourself and don't rush into decisions about whether or not to tell your husband. Everyone has made decisions that were unwise. Good thing is questioning yourself and the fact you posted on here must mean you were doubting the decision.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Personally I would want to know, honesty and trust are very important to me and if i was told then i might be able to forgive and forget, If i found out for myself then I would not.

Whatever happens, please do not tell your husband. It might make you feel a bit better but it may devastate him.

If you need to talk to someone in RL, tell a friend.

Cancel. It'll be gross and tawdry and you'll feel shitty. Plus you'll have upped the odds of your marriage going tits up. Overall the paltry reward is definitely not worth the risk.

You've fucked up, but now you want to do the right thing. So do it.

If you still go ahead with the meeting despite all this good advice and self analysis then tbh you deserve everything you get. And it won't be nice things.

If you need to talk to someone, tell a counsellor. If you decide not to tell him, then don't tell anyone. Not a soul. But FGS don't do it again.

Please cancel it is not worth the stress. Its just sex. Not even good sex.

You have proved that you are still attractive to the opposite sex.

Don't tell your DH.

Delete his number.He is not a nice man sleeping with a married woman.

Talk to a good friend.

You need to visualise looking at your husband's face as he realises what you've done. Then visualise telling your children.

Come on, OP, don't be daft! You could so easily get caught and end up living a nightmare. I bet your husband's wondering now about you, how different you seem since you came home. Do you think it's easy to hide that sort of excitement?

Please don;t tell your Dh. Ego boost is understandable, but as others have said - what if it were the other way round, guy getting a ego boost from an OW - 'chorus of 'l...t...b....!!!!'.
Text the OM to cancel, then delete his number and hope he will also stay schtum. Must admit, have been tempted myself on biz trips, but always stooped by the cold hard thought that nowadays everyone is accessible - your DH is only a few mouse clicks away for anyone to contact. Cherish him.

I expect a big part of you doesn't want to give up on what has become an addictive substance; the feelings of being alive and as though all your senses are on high alert, the esteem it's given you that another man is thinking about you a lot and desires you. You've probably become addicted to these feelings and not the man himself. This is as good as it gets though, because whether you end this now or not, worse is to come.

It's fairly telling that this was the first time you've ever had an opportunity and been tempted. It might therefore be a bit of a red herring that you're nearing 50 and it would be tempting to call it a classic midlife crisis, but you'll need to be searingly honest and ask yourself whether if you'd had this opportunity at a different time of life, you wouldn't have resisted then either. If that's possible, then go back longer ago in your life and find out what shaped you so that you need your esteem boosted this way.

On the other hand, if you've always lived a fairly conventional life and have always done the 'right' things, is there a part of you that has wanted to throw of those shackles a bit and makes you think that you're now entitled to a pleasurable adventure?

I'm not going to say he's a bad man becoming involved with a married woman, because he's no different to you. I expect his motivations are similar, if he hasn't made a habit of this. You're both equally responsible for this. It doesn't make you evil people, but it does mean you're both behaving selfishly and generally selfishness doesn't happen in a vacuum and doesn't come out for the first time aged 50. Try to see this not as an isolated event, but as a manifestation of other bits of your personality and character that you could work on when the dust settles.

The first step though is to end this and ask him to honour your decision and not to try to dissuade you from your chosen path.

Are you MAD ?
You have a husband you 'love'; A good marriage, a family and a good life

There are thousands of women who would cut off their right hand for that

and you think your selfish 'lust' for some bloke you don't even know who 'looks at you' like 'that' is worth trashing your husbands life for?

I despair. Get a fucking grip. You will regret it if you do not...

All I will say is that you need to think of the very best outcome of this affair.

1. He falls in love, you don't. He hassles you. DH finds out.
2. You fall in love, he doesn't. Heartbreak.
3. You are treated like a 'knock-off'. You feel awful. It ruins your marriage because you feel guilty and tawdry and cannot tell DH.
4. He disgusts you. You leave, tormented.
5. DH finds out.
6. He doesn't turn up. You feel devastated. Etc Etc Etc

You wanted an affair.

You should have been honest and left, before you started it, no matter your feelings about your children.

You are a cheater.

Of course, it's never that simple.
If you bin OM don't tell DH anything.
Never do it again.

If you decide to meet this man then you should be prepared to talk to your husband and tell him the marriage is finished.

Because you clearly don't respect him, your children and the vows you took.

Once, in a spur of the moment, is an "accident" (I might forgive it in a partner), but a second time and a pre planned meet is a full blown affair.

As others said, cancel it and arrange things so that you can't even find an excuse to go.

I would not discount the notion that your h already suspects that something is up.

I should cancel but i have not yet...

There you go OP, I have reflected back your own advice to yourself.

Now, nobody is judging here, we are willing you to make the right decision for you and your family.

No way will this pre-meditated assignation be anywhere near the frisson of the original.

You're already questioning yourself, over-thinking the outcomes.

OM can't believe his luck that he's got a nailed on shag with a middle aged bird that's gagging for it (this is what he'll have told his mates) on expenses.

It's going to be a horrid let-down at best, dirty and humiliating without question (shuddering at the PP travel lodge scenario) and detonate your marriage and family at worst.

Don't just cancel, book some time away with your DH, seek counselling and thank god you weren't caught.

Oh FFS! Cancel the fuck fest and grow up !