happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

stable, not stale.

I just can't agree with you Suocera - and it's not because I think the DH doesn't have the right to know, I just don't see why he has to be hurt over it.

I know it's a different case entirely but I know of a lady whose DH had been carrying on an affair with another woman for some years, completely unbeknownst to her. He had a heart attack and decided to do a deathbed confession - and then didn't die. It broke her heart completely and she had to look after him for the next few years, until the day she lost it completely, they had a row and he ended up dead. Why did he need to tell her? What fucking good did it do her? none at all. It was senseless, guilt on his part driving him to "absolve his conscience" with never a thought for how it would make her feel, especially as he thought he was going to die so she'd be left completely at a loss as to how to grieve!

I realse that this is an extreme case - but I don't agree with hurting someone for the sake of it. OBVIOUSLY the right thing would be to never get yourself into a position where that could happen - but once it has, then I think it's self-indulgent to offload the guilty feelings onto the innocent party.

Agree with thumbwitch Don't tell him.

scorpiomyrtlock

I am happy to support you a bit more if you are prepared to let this relationship go.

1. Delete his number from your mobile
2. Block his number
3. Go for STI checks
4. Keep talking here

Come on, you can get through this!

Of course I was flattered and tempted when I was widowed. I never knew these men had feelings for me..... (or fancied an illicit affiar)....... but I kept my late-DH's image in my head and heart. He told me to 'be happy' so an illicit affair wouldn't have fulfilled that criteria.

Nobody has strength when they are widowed. When my Dad died, my Mum told me that her MIL had said, "You always miss a bad 'un, never mind a good 'un"

(My Dad was one of the truly good 'uns by the way)

So if you can keep posting here, it will keep your hands off that phone!

I think you have a good marriage - for which you and DH are privileged.

Please find a way to salvage it and cut the entitled OM adrift.

well, you have choices.

keep on sleeping with another man and not tell the person you are 'happily married to' - shitty behaviour, not fair on your 'DH' and likely to cause you loads of guilt and logistical issues.

Completely end the affair and not tell your 'DH' - still shitty but offers the most damage limitation. You will learn to live with the guilt and hopefully your 'DH' will be none the wiser.

Completely end the affair and tell your 'DH' (offer to have STD tests and counselling and to move out for a while) but in the full knowledge that it's likely he will leave you and at the very least is going to hate you for a long while and find it hard to ever trust you again - shitty but no more than you deserve.

End your marriage and fuck other men knowing you are a free agent - shitty for yout 'DH' but at least you know that you've done the adult thing.

I would give this advice to a man also.

What is the drug:

The compliment that someone else fancies you?
The sex?
The forbidden fruit?
The drama?

Are you having a mid life crisis.

Why not go for counselling and tell your husband you need it because you feel about lost or confused about your marriage right now. Better to do that, than to do the dirt.

I just don't see why he has to be hurt over it

Becuase it happened. Him not knowing does not magic away the fact that the foundation of their realtionship has been irrevovkably cracked. The person he is with, is not the person he thinks he is with. He has the right to choose.

And as I stated above, there is no simple, rightous, easy solution that can be offered to her that will tidy things up neatly. Becuase doing the right thing by her husband may mean the worst outcome for the kids.

She has to choose who she is going to fail next. That is an unavoidable outcome of her choice to go in for a cheap knee trembler or two.

When you do something like this your next move puts people you love on differnet sides of the field and you have to choose one over the other. It isn't a case of "protecting" her husband, she failed to do that when her knickers hit the ground. All she can choose now is who out of kids and husband she fails again.

Him by refusing to give him the right to make his own choices with all available information.

Or the kids by risking the collapse of her marriage and possibly years of turmoil and distress for them.

There is no way to gloss over that and pretty it up as an act of kindness on her part. Kindness would have been to chose not to fuck a stranger. Too late to think of herself as self sacrificing now, it's her husband's autonomy and dignity or the kids stability she has to sacrifice.

She shouldn't find it too hard to fail either husband or children again. She managed to forget that they mattered long enough to get dizzy about fucking this stranger again. Her family appear to be viewed by her more as background decoration for her midlife drama than actual human beings anyway.

Sounds like menopause madness. Nature's last throes coupled (no pun intended) with the ego's desire to put off the inevitable - the moment of realisation that Maiden and Mother have given way to Crone and there's no way to turn back the clock.

Embrace the Crone in you because she has the wisdom that you appear to be lacking at the moment.

No, still can't agree. Too self-righteous - "I've done this and now I have to destroy everyone over it" - nah. And YES I'd say the same to a man. But only IF this was a one-off.

If there is one thing I wish you could feel/know now it's that when the euphoria and desire and giddiness is gone you will feel so shit. Just like utter, utter crap.

It will be like you are looking at the 'you' that had the affair as if they are a stranger, an insanely selfish stranger.

You will look at your husband and children and burn with shame. You might feel your marriage is tainted. You may live in fear of the affair being outed.

But if you stop now you can hold on to the fact that you fucked up once, but you stopped yourself out of respect for yourself and your husband and to give your kids the stable life they deserve. You showed restraint and decency.

Agree with Thumbwitch, don't tell. Cut all contact now.

Suocera, I think you are going a bit OTT, it was a fling yes, bad behaviour yes, totally agree she shouldn't have etc etc but now that she HAS, let's try to help eh? I can only assume this has touched a nerve for you but OP came on to ask for our advice, not flagellation.

Picture your husbands face, if he was hearing about this. Imagine the utter devastation that he would feel. Show some respect for him and knock this affair on the head, before it goes any further.

If this all comes out, your life is going to turn to shit, very quickly and you will bitterly regret what you have done. Unfortunately you will drag your husband and kids down with you. If you can't call a halt to this for your husband's sake, then at least do it for your kids, because at the moment you are being a shitty mother as well as a shitty wife. Stop putting yourself first and start considering your family.

I don't think you should tell your dh - although I agree that he absolutely has the right to know, you will rip apart your family and for what - a cheap shag?

Grow up.

How would you feel - honestly- if your husband was shagging a younger colleague behind your back, but no one told you so that you wouldn't get hurt?

Tell him, he deserves to know. Don't be surprised if he throws you out. That tends to be the unanimous advice on here to women who find out their Hs are playing away on business trips.

Disagree that OP's husband needs to know, IF she ends it now, and files it away under "things I regret and won't do again".

Sometimes as human beings we f-ck up and do stupid things. I believe that a moment of madness can be "glossed over", if that's all it is. Not an affair, not a long series of calculated deceptions but a stupid, giddy mistake.

OP gave in to her (natural) desires when she had the fling. I think many/most people are tempted and some make foolish mistakes, get carried away, act on it when they really shouldn't etc. She's now got to knock it on the head, realise it's just not going to happen or not worth it, and get on with her life. Dunno what's best re telling her DH or not. Depends on the relationship. If she knows that she's not going to do it again and can live with not telling him then maybe that is better for the ongoing relationship. If that will kill the relationship due to her guilty conscience, then she might be better to bite the bullet and tell him.

I totally disagree! If she had it in her to do this once, chances are it'll happen again. EVERYONE deserves to know if that person who they aren't thought they were. In my head, my other half would NEVER cheat on me and if I got that wrong, I'd want to know so i could move on with my life and find someone that respected me enough to see me as enough and not have to get cheap thrills everywhere else. Of course he'll be hurt and that's more punishment for OP, seeing someone she loves hurt and she'll have to live with that forever. Her husband deserves to know and have a choice whether he wants to stay with someone who has cheated/has the potential to do it again or move on and find a lady who is satisfied by just him.

OP plan to be away with your DH on that evening - visit your friends, go on a shopping trip, arrange a family get together - anything that will make it logistically impossible to meet the OM and take your mind off him. And end your affair outright - delete OM's phone number, address and emails.

Try living with this secret for a month. If things go back to normal, well and good. If not, seek a counsellor and see where it goes from there.

I'm in the least said, soonest mended camp here for a one - off; no need to spread the guilt/seediness around for an indiscretion.

OP. Think about what you are risking. You get found out, your DH leaves you, OM you realise just isn't anything special. And there you will be. Alone with your conscience. Just because you have already made a mistake doesn't mean you have to keep making them.

Cut all contact with OM. It's as simple as removing any way of contacting him. Do it, don't think about it.

I agree with thumb. Don't tell your DH. Too often I think people cheat and tell their partners out of wanting to lose the guilt. You did it, you live with it. But identify why it happened and don't let it happen again.

Do you think you can live with it and it never crop up in another guise? I think it might haunt me and lead me to have to get it out eventually

You need to tell your husband that you've had sex with a complete stranger. so that he can make choices about his own sexual health (because a condom is not 100% effective )

I remember thinking I was ripe for the picking once, when I felt so under-appreciated and taken for granted by everyone in the house.

I remember being in tears and thinking: if a random man would tell me I was wonderful, that would do it, that's all it would take. I found this thought quite scary (hence the crying). The weird thing was I think some men noticed I was in a vulnerable place, and I got chatted up all of a sudden (colleague, neighbour) and it was exciting and I thought "It would be so easy to do this". but something held me back. I think it was the fact that I thought our marriage wasn't dead yet.

So I was wondering if your marriage is really that good? How would you feel if you found out DH had an affair. Would you be o.k. about that? (then the marriage is not great, really, is it?). or would you be upset. In that case, why?