Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Wow littlemiss that's progress. I relate to many of those too.

An appointment with your gp is a brave and productive step to take. I wouldn't not be surprised if the situation was the cause of depression. That's certainly the case for me.

I'm glad you are finding the courage to take action, that's the hardest point. Admitting out loud is hard. All you have to say is 'I think I am in an abusive Relationship'. They will know what to respond and take you from there. Write it down or type a text if you need a prompt. They are trained and you won't be the first person to go with this issue.

Confiding in friends is good - a few of mine know, they are mainly ones of psychology/Social work backgrounds who are intuitive with this stuff. My friend rang to see how I got on, it made me feel supported. I couldn't answer, as was with him, so I texted her saying 'with my abuser right now'. I don't mean to be flippant, but using euphemisms like FW and twat isn't making me see the gravity of the situation.

There was an option to write his name on the form today. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Naming him felt disloyal and made me sad.

Good luck. Do it so you can type that you have. The reason I stayed today was because I couldn't face her ringing and me explaining I had chickened out. (she obviously is not bullying me though!)

Oh Nini that's shit. Don't worry about ranting, you need it! You're not a mug, he's taking advantage. Fuckwit.

I might sound brave but I'm not, I'm terrified! I just know I can't go on like this. I'm so tired of it all, I know I need to do something. I just hope when I get to the gp I can say what I want to say. I am determined to make that appointment though, for my sake and the kids.

Nini - I think you shold make a point of getting him to do it, whatever time he gets home. (Would it make too much noise & wake DD? If so, would that be better or worse than her waking early?) Could you put the stuff that's to go into her room somewhere else for the mean time and move it in there later tomorrow (ie when he's home from work nice and early...)? I know it's probably not that simple but am just trying to think of some ways for you to not have to get up early tomorrow (both so you don't have to get up early, and so you don't have to spend that extra time with him!), and so he doesn't get off the hook.

Ana, meant to say (but forgot as was so amazed by my sweary walker - seven steps now! And sure he said 'bugger' again.) - you were really brave to go along today, I know you were so worried about it but you went. And now you feel better in lots of ways - for going and getting advice, for being able to tell your friend that you did it, and for yourself too to know you did it. The only reason I left in the end was because I'd told a friend I was going to do it and I couldn't face telling her I hadn't. Never underestimate the power of friends. And never underestimate what you can achieve when you put your mind to it. Have some [choc].

I still haven't had a reply from my sister about my request to sort things out between us.

Oh, I hate it when that happens, Nini. Can you not play along? I'd be tempted to get up at the usual time (maybe he can move some of it by himself?) and anything that's not moved: apologise to the sanders and say something disloyal about NSDH.

Alternatively, do it all this evening when he gets back. And if DD wakes up, say, "I'll let you settle her. You'll be wanting to spend some time with her to help you unwind after your long day. I'm just popping out for half an hour, ok?" Take book and sit round the corner in the car.

:o I may not be being entirely realistic. Would be fun, though, wouldn't it?

It will wake DD but i guess thats better than waking her early 2moro. It all has to be done by the morning as thats when the sander gets here. Think i will have to do what we can tonite and will tell him he doesnt go to work til its done. Im just tired, my legs hurt.

I hate him

Nini, I really feel for you. Hope you get it all done tonight and you can avoid humphing stuff tomorrow morning as well.

I've finally had a reply from my sister. She's agreed to us meeting up, but...:
only if you listen to what I have to say. Too many people are getting hurt and we all know the cause but you need to listen and not feel the victim.

I know that all sounds reasonable from her, but the problem isn't me not listening - it's her not listening when I say that I completely understand what she's saying but I'm doing it my way and I need her to accept that and not make out that I'm a bad person for not doing what she thinks I should (which is end the relationship now).

Any tips for how I approach this?

Can you get her onside with helping you to make a plan? (You may have one already, but you can act like you don't and you want to.) That way you could get across what a huge deal it is and how much is involved, while still showing her that you hear her and you want what she wants. (to be free from fw-ery)

That may be an entirely rubbish suggestion: please ignore if so, I don't really know what I'm talking about in your context.

Am sitting downstairs with NSDH and our friend chatting. Have just noticed that, although I'm asking questions (NSDH talking about his job), ALL his eye contact is with his friend. Nothing is coming my way. It's like I'm not here. Fine. Shall head upstairs and read Lundy.

Thanks Charlotte. That's not a bad idea about trying to get her 'onside'. Problem is she can be a bully. She doesn't want me to do what i think, she wants me to do what she thinks, and if I don't hell mend me. That's what she means by 'listen to what i say' - it really means 'do what I say'. If I tell you that she is possibly my 'original abuser', as identified in Beverley Engel's The Emotional Abuser - then maybe that helps explain my relationship with her. I'm almost as scared of her as I am of my NSDH.

But I think you're onto something. If I come across completely up for listening to what she says and willing to do it, then maybe that'll help (altho she'll be checking up that I follow through...).

Yikes, she does sound scary!

Hi, lost my original long post (eaten by preview, what's going on?) so will briefly say hope you are all ok. Pony I sympathise and also your dsis does sound a bit scary - only you know what's best wrt your family but feel concerned for you making all the effort to build bridges with her.

Nini I sympathise and hope your fw sorts it out in time.

Charlotte I so know what you're saying, I get the same re non eye contact!

I am feeling desperately exhausted all the time, have to take naps where I can, slept for three hours today and only woke in time for school collection because of alarm clock, even then like zombie. (Today was day off work). Is this a symptom of struggling to escape from EA?

Im the same....so tired but can't sleep, same every night :-/ whilst FW snores the house down not a care in the world.

Got home from collecting DD from nursery and DS from MIL this avo and my FW was doing all the kids ironing, dinner in the oven, hoovering done etc etc. Looks like Dr. Jekyll was making a rare appearance. Not long though before Mr. Hyde returned. We were discussing monthly outgoings tonight and how I can't be trusted with his money bollocks so I asked for a breakdown of what actually goes out so I could understand more where he was coming from. Apparently he needs £200 a month for his clothes, haircuts etc (more like beer money - his hair costs him £8 in the barbers every 5/6 weeks) When I asked him where my allowance was for these items and how does he actually think I afford to buy my petrol, phone bill, car repairs (all on my personal credit card btw) let alone haircuts, clothes, he told me to look at ways to save/gain money so I could afford these 'treats' - mainly by getting rid of my mobile phone (WTF!) and selling my car (an old 03 reg runabout). Apparently I can use his car whenever I want. Really???!!! Don't see that working. This says to me he wants me to get rid of my car so I lose my only way of driving down the motorway to visit my parents/friends as he knows I can't manage alone on the train with two toddlers and luggage. And as for my phone??!!!!! Why doesn't he just lock me up and be done with it. Arsehole. He knows they are my last two items that give me my independence. Bully arsehole.

Hugs to you all

Hilde extra big hug for you, hope you are feeling better in the morning, we are all here for you x

Pony siblings can be hard to deal with as they tend to tell you what they think regardless which is sometimes hard to stomach when they don't fully understand, thinking of you x

Nini Hope it all gets sorted in time, why do all the FWs have a knack of making what should be a straightforward situation into the hardest thing in the world. Its so frustrating. They are all so selfish, it is like they do it on purpose isn't it x

Ana and littlemiss well done ladies, you are an inspiration and have been so brave yesterday with the steps you made xx

Hugs for everyone else x

Right, going to try and get some sleep....Zzzzzzzzzz Zombie!!!!! ;-)

Good morning all. I'm in a good mood today so thought I would attempt at spreading the joy on here and hope it is catching. and and for all.

FW's phone has broken. I have had peace and quiet since 6pm yesterday. He is likely to be in bed with a hangover all day. coincidence I'm in a good mood? I have a busy day at work and counselling at lunchtime.

I did see him yesterday, managed to keep it to a brew. We had arranged to meet at a time, I sent a message (pre phone dying) saying I was setting off, he messaged to say he was busy. He phoned while I was in Sainsburys and asked where I was. I told him and he started with the attitude...

'What are you in Sainsbury's for? It was verging on a shout. How unreasonable of me to go to the supermarket. That's the measure of the man. I paused and he realised what he's done and apologised and comes to meet me for a coffee in Costa. I'm beginning to wonder if he's so accustomed to being like this with me (doesn't do it with others, natch) he barely notices he's doing it. Obviously that doesn't make it excusable. Alot of the time it is very deliberate I'm sure - e.g. the undermining confidence stuff. But I think the other weird stuff is genuine shock that I don't live in a little box waiting for him. I think he might be THAT deluded.

I realised what a lack of control I had over my finances too. We arranged to meet and had I not been meeting him, I'd have bought myself a bouquet of flowers. I couldn't face being told off for spending ten pounds of my money on flowers. Then I went back to my house and had a lovely evening stuffing my face with pretty macaroons and reading fashion magazines.

Hilde I hope you, your DD and her friend will be ok. Very scary, bless.

Pony I hope you can sort things with your sister. Must be hard knowing that she is maybe your original EA relationship. Mine is my mum so I have gone no-contact. My former best friend is in that category too, and I miss her at the moment but am determined to let that friendship drift. Must be hard with your sister. I have a kind of arrested development with certain relationships, I don't know if you have this too.

Maggie I'm so glad you can see he's trying to cut you off! He's so BRAZEN with it.

Nini How are things this morning?

littlemiss I hope you manage to make The Call today

and good morning to all lurkers and other posters.

That's a nice post. The sun really does help, doesn't it? I'm glad you have a hair appointment. I love getting my hair done, always makes you feel better. Mine is long - FW occasionally 'suggests' me having shorter hair not because he cares what it looks like (he actually does like it) but I think to see if he can persuade me to do something he tells me. Sadly for him, I have no intention of cutting my hair as i've had the same style since the age of 10 and don't intend to change it until I get a bob when I get older. Plus my dear dad would likely have the hairdresser sacked and kill FW for putting the idea in my head. Hmm, there's an idea...

I haven't plucked up the courage to make the call yet. I still keep thinking I'm just imagining it, and that the doctor is going to say, don't be so silly, there are people out there with real issues get a grip! I think because I don't feel heard by him, I find it really hard to talk to people and get what I want to say across, I really want to make that appointment but can't find the courage to do it I am so tired today. He snores so loudly at night it takes me ages to get to sleep. Then last night I woke up in the night and I had so many thoughts going round that I gave myself a really bad headache and it took me ages to get back to sleep.

Can't wait for tomorrow night when he is working the late shift so won't be home till the early hours.

If I don't pluck up the courage to phone the gp I am going to try and arrange to meet my friend for a chat, I guess it's just so hard to say the words out loud for the first time, it was hard enough typing it.

Anyway, hope everyone else is having a better day than I am, I'm off to do some cleaning now as I'm not working today.

littlemiss if you can't face your GP, or get a different GP, phone your local domestic violence org or women's aid. Having someone acknowledge your experiences - people who have HEARD and SEEN everything - is really powerful. You'll draw real strength. You do have REAL issues though.

Your doubt tells me that he's done that to you - made you doubt yourself. My FW says my problems aren't real. littlemiss do you think I have problems? If you do think so, apply that logic to yourself.

My counsellor asked me (nicely) why I'd decided to go to my local organisation and I said 'I want to be validated. I want someone to rubber stamp it as abusive because otherwise, I will continue to think I'm being a harpy who has read the words 'leave the bastard' too many times or that at best, we have a tragic, tempestuous relationship'. Hearing someone say...if you stay, the abuse will escalate and your safety will be compromised was powerful. It is good to confide in a friend too especially if they express . But please consider professional help too.

Sermon over

Oh hilde I'm sorry you feel this way. It isn't your shame. He did it to you. I understand why you'd feel headfucked though. It's control. Again. I hope the sickness passes.