Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bertie your fw sounds very like mine in the pettiness department. He now won't eat with us but scavenges the left o vers after we've left the room - in other words still likes the food I prepare but isn't going to honour me (Pah!) by achknowledging he's eating or enjoying it....

LittleMissy I feel scared of what's to come too, that's their power over us sadly. But the fact that we're recognising it must mean we're slowly on our way out, eh

Don't feel bad Hilde, you are very supportive. I'm here for a rant myself.

Im going to the support group at the domestic violence organisation today. Last night, I felt all excited. Today I feel dreadful. I'm nervous and I really don't want to go. I'm forcing myself because I told my friend that I would. She is really encouraging me. I don't know what I will get out of it. It's not like it's going to magically break the spell. He's been doing a lot of that himself but obviously not enough for me to completely walk away. It's like I still love him and feel some sense of obligation but can't withdraw completely.

I was getting ready today and everything was bothering me. For the first time in a while I've been worrying about how to dress today. Sounds weird, but I felt really weird about putting on one of my smart dresses that I always wear. Like I shouldn't, like it would be inappropriate. I don't know why that is. Like I won't be accepted if I'm smart. What is up with me? Why does that matter? The weird thing is, I'm only acceptable to him if I'm smart.

Then I was putting my make up on as I always do, but less so today. I rarely properly look at myself doing this, I'm always in a rush. I took a proper look at myself and for the first time in my life saw what he'd done to me. I looked broken, not like my normal self. I always put on a brave face. It's not there today. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I felt sad for myself. I haven't ever felt that before. I'm so desensitised to it. Doesn't help that I haven't dared to put my 'eyes' on so I look different to normal (worries that my Benefit mascara won't survive the morning).

I'm worried about the other people there, the staff. Everything. And they're going to be nice but I'm cacking myself. I can't believe this has happened to me.

You are not selfish at all Hilde, I'm so pleased you told your parents and they are being supportive.

Good luck for today Ana, remember they are there to Support you and it's understandable you are nervous. Well done you for going.

I'm off to work in a min, but I had a look at some websites last night as I couldn't sleep. So much is going round my head, and I just can't help thinking he isnt doing anything wrong, it's a personality clash etc. I don't know if he can change or not, but to be honest it's been going on so long I don't think I want to stay anyway. I still want to have some counselling and I am not working tomorrow so shall have a look into it then.

I shall be back later with my findings from the Internet, I found the drirene one especially interesting, I recognized a lot of points on there and shall post them later.

Bye for now

hilde - my instinct is to say go for it with the hair. However only you know your relationship with your hair! I was all for getting mine cut about six months ago (before I left NSDH), my hair was as long as it's ever been & v swishy, but I've had it v short (JD) before as well. My friend advised me against going so drastic when I was feeling so vulnerable and low because if I didn't like it, it could really floor me (I have a habit of hating my hair when it's first been cut). But if you think you'll love it, go go go for it!

Ana, hope today goes well. I think you looking at yourself properly is all part of the process - we go on not looking properly (both at ourselves and our relationships) because if we do we know we'll see things we don't like. It's a good thing that you're looking, I think it means that you're more open to hearing the negatives about your relationship & doing something about them. Hope your meeting went ok. hugs

There are lots of new people on here to say hi to - glad you've found your way here, there's so much support to be had, and really you can't beat a good rant in a safe place for helping you feel better.

Speaking of rants...

Had counselling today. We talked a lot about my family, and how I feel pushed out, how I feel that I'm not 'accepted' (because I'm still working on things with NSDH) and how I crave acceptance. The situation with my sister not talking to me is ongoing - she stopped short of the school this morning so she wouldn't meet me at the gates. Feeling buoyed by my session (counsellor gave me a little ornament of a lion to symbolise swapping fear and overthinking for courage (cowardly lion) and assertiveness), I decided to tackle my mum on the subject.

It did not go well. She got very upset very quickly, told me she wasn't taking sides between me & DSis, I told her I felt that she was, I felt pushed out and judged. She then started saying things like 'I'm sorry I made you feel like that'. I even said at one point - Mum, this is not about you having made me feel like this, it's about me feeling it, I'm not saying it's you that's to blame. I said I knew 'the family' didn't understand my actions, but I didn't need them to, I just need them to accept them, accept me, and still support me, that I was going through my own process. She said that was all fine, but she couldn't understand why I was still working on things, and why I was putting the kids through it - is that not being judgemental? I don't know, but I felt like a shit person and a shit mum. She also said she 'didn't disagree' with my sister's decision to not let me look after my niece for that day, despite me saying how hurt I was by it.

Then it was all 'I don't want to talk about this any more, I can't deal with all this' - cue massive guilt for me, cos I know there's other stuff going on (my aunt isn't well, and DF has been going for prostrate tests). I ended up going, trying to give her a hug and say sorry for upsetting her but it was like hugging a tree, there was nothing back and she actually said 'it's ok', as if that's what all this was about - her being upset.

Feeling shitty shit shit shit at the moment. Despite that, I have given my little lion a rub (for courage) and texted my sister, saying that I don't want this situation between us to carry on and get worse, what can we do to get things right btwn us again. And I've asked if I can go over to see her tomorrow. I almost hope she says no, I'm as much scared of her as I am of NSDH...

... and Mum's away out for lunch with someone at the moment who is both my friend and her friend - she's my age (bit older) we grew up together, she's the daughter of my mum's best friend who sadly passed away a few years ago. I just feel like Mum gives her more support than me, as if she'd rather have her for a daughter. I sent mum and dad a lovely card to say thanks for their help when I'd had to stay with them after leaving NSDH. A few days later my card was moved to make way for a card & some lovely flowers from her friend's daughter, to say 'thanks for always being there for me'. She did it much better than me, I should've sent flowers as well. She's the better 'daughter'.
I know that's daft, and probably just me being a bit mental, but that's how I'm feeling right now.

Thank you for the well wishes.

Well. I went. I am now going to report back to you....

I was bricking it on my way there. Kept questioning whether or not to go. Walked in, the volunteers were all setting up. Felt myself welling up, but composed self. They were really nice. I felt really overwhelmed. I wanted to leave.

I then got give my welcome pack. How the hell have I ended up needing a welcome pack that says 'domestic violence' on it? THAT'S NOT ME. Except it is.

Went to the toilets and had a cry. Composed self.

Went back in the room. The other people started to arrive. The tears started again. I'm not one of THEM. Except that I am.

The group was centred around arts and craft and social. I really wasn't up for that. I know some people NEED a social outlet but I didn't want to cut and stick and use glitter.

One of the volunteers asked me of I would like a cup of tea and a chat. I bit her hand off. It was as if she had read my mind. (just want to make it clear - for women who do need a social outlet as a starting point because even socialising is a big step and that's great, but sitting with all those people doing that was not for me. It looked very light touch and I was told basically they do activities and there's options to talk one on one if need but you don't have to talk to any other people if you want to keep yourself to yourself. She also told me the group gossip normally rather than share experiences of abuse).

So I'm ushered into a room. I sob. She gives me a 'well done' for coming. I cry some more. I spend the best part of an hour telling her about my FW, his behaviour, she acknowledges that he is abusive and that it must be hard. She says that I have a good perspective on all of it. She seems relieved that my social circle is in tact and that I don't live with him. She asked if I wanted to stay in the relationship or leave it completely. I said I can't stay in the relationship, but I do love him. I know he won't change. I just need to stay out and crucially, I need to WANT to be out of it. I was there for just over an hour. I won't go back to the group activity but I will use the helpline if I need, drop in sessions if I need and have been referred to their therapy which is CBT based.

I felt really good after I left. It was really good to talk to someone so understanding. I really recommend it.

I will say....I can't believe how HARD it was. I don't want this to read like a stealth boast but....I've got degree after degree, i teach people and yet walking into that room and staying in the building was without a shadow of a doubt the hardest thing ive ever done. I so just wanted to leave. As I mentioned earlier, I kept in mind that I had promised my friend I would go. That is literally the only reason I stayed there. I'm really glad I pushed myself now. I also feel better for a cry, I hardly do that over him now.

Afterwards, I felt so proud that I had done it. I went to John Lewis after which is weird, I wanted to go to a nice place and I've taken to going there for that. Went to the loos to put my face on. I also wanted my mum. - but we don't talk - she is also EA and I believe helpfully paved the way for my FW, so that was hard, it made me feel so sad. She used to work in John Lewis before she had me. Weird huh?

I've since returned to work. It was weird being Professional Anastasia chairing a meeting when three hours earlier I'd been sobbing in front of a stranger about how my 'd'p financially and emotionally abuses me.

So....the reason I've posted that is just to urge anyone is trying to pluck up the courage to seek support to do so and to try and persist when it seems impossible.

I've got counselling with my normal counsellor tomorrow so shall be reporting back to her and trying to work out a plan.

I hope you are all well.

hilde - defo go for a chop!

Pony girl I'm sorry you are feeling so shit and I return the hug. I hate that you feel like your friend is the better daughter, I hope that's just a fear rather than anything else. You didn't need to send flowers, it's your mums job to look after you.

Much love and strength.

Hi everyone xx hugs to you all

Has been a tough 24hours, FW is acting like everything is back to normal-its not. This morning he hit his toe on our babies saftey gate, now normal people would just shout ouch perhaps-not my FW. He basically ripped it off the wall and threw it across the kitchen. NICE. Luckily kids were not in the house. He also seemed to have issues with the laundry basket last night too which got a kicking around the room. Should be thankful its not me that's getting it but then he is clever and only does small acts of violence that know start scaring me. How can I call the police for him kicking a laundry basket. I have now made my excuses and got out of the house for an hour or so. Am just sat parked in my car wondering how I ever got into a life like this and if I will ever escape. How have I gone from an independent, quite comfortable money wise, social lady to a penniless hermit?! Going to buy a diary today and start logging these episodes properly-something I should have started doing a long time ago instead of brushing it under the carpet. Thank god I found this support group and thanks to you all. Just feel stronger knowing that there are others I can talk to that truly understand. If only it didn't have to be this way for us all. My 17mth DS is with the MIL today-he cried his heart out when leaving me - he is very close to me, has made me feel double sad today :-(

Maggie, I am you. This was me too. I was previously independent, social, etc, etc. My NSDH never beat me or hurt me badly, just small acts of violence and intimidation to scare me and keep me in check. A little poke, slamming doors, slamming his fist down. (kicking laundry baskets, beanbags and tidy dryers also) He even hit me in the face with a pillow in anger, and as I was sobbing that he completely winded me he said 'Go on, call the police for me hitting you with a pillow, they'll laugh at you'. I was about 7 months pregnant at the time.

But then I saw something in the paper, that someone had been arrested for 'threatening behaviour'. Apparently, being in fear of harm from someone is assault, and if they actually hurt you it's assault and battery. So him frightening you by throwing and kicking things about the house is something they'd take seriously.

The police have a non-emergency number for people to call and just talk to someone (I think it's 101). Or else, I've called the local DV unit a couple of times (having got their number from the local police website). It was a good stepping stone, I was listened to and believed, and they confirmed that they thought his behaviour was actionable.

And remember that you don't need a crime number to be able to leave. You are perfectly entitled to say 'I've had enough of living like this, I've had enough of being treated like this' and just go. And if you phone the police 101 number and say you're planning to do this but you're concerned your FW will be violent or try to prevent you, they will send someone round to be there when you do it.

If not for yourself, then for your gorgeous cuddly DS.

But I know you have to do it at your own pace, it can be overwhelming to think of leaving. But just be safe.

'How can I call the police for him kicking a laundry basket. I have now made my excuses and got out of the house for an hour or so. Am just sat parked in my car wondering how I ever got into a life like this and if I will ever escape. How have I gone from an independent, quite comfortable money wise, social lady to a penniless hermit?!'

Maggie you are me too. I wondered how Dr Anastasia got into this mess. Well I didn't do it by myself! It's been a deliberate campaign and I only cottoned on when it was too late.

EA is DV. They will take it seriously.

I remembered something just now reading your post ponygirl and I had to laugh. I once threw a drink over FW and he asked his friend if he should call the police and have me charged with assault. After the shit he's subjected me to!

I just had a post all typed, then realised a millisecond too late that DS2 can now reach the table if he stands on tiptoes - he grabbed the mouse cable and somehow it all disappeared... (but I forgive him because I've just watched him take a teeny wee tentative single step!!!! Apparently he did one last night, but I wasn't there.)

What I said was this:
Hilde, I am so glad you have your mum coming to support you, you're right you do need someone to lean on, no-one can do it all alone. I feel awful bad-mouthing my mum, she was fab when I was leaving NSDH, helping me move and putting us up for two months. But she's not great on the emotional support (not to me, anyway). That's all I want, acceptance of what I'm doing from my parents.

And my NSDH said almost word-for-word the same thing about my long hair. [calls the lazy scriptwriters into a meeting to rap their knuckles again]

Ana, I suspect that if I were ever to hit NSDH in any way, whether in defence or not, he would be on the phone to the police in a heartbeat.

Hooray for the walker to be!!! DS2 is a metaphor for us

Thanks Ana - think he said his first word the other day too, he's such a child prodigy - I was shutting the fridge door to stop him raiding it, could've sworn he said 'Oh bugger...'!

And, DS1 told me this morning he'd heard him say 'ship' - only with a 't' on the end!! Not sure he understood why I couldn't stop laughing... Swearing is big and it ^is clever!

I adore your DS2 and his use of the English language. He is acquired two very important words. I also enjoy your DS1s tactful reporting, bless him.

Haha, don't think DS1 is aware of that word, which is why he reported it as he did! At least, I hope he's not aware of it...!

Having said that, NSDH wouldn't blanche at using the F-word in front of him if he was angry enough at me, I've lost count of the times I've told him not to swear in front of DS1 (only to get more abuse for doing so). So DS1 probably knows the F-word but not anything else. He asked me the other day if 'Oh God' was a bad word. Bless his innocence, don't think it'll remain that way for long with little Sweary McSwearerson as a brother though!

bertie The similarities between these FW send a shiver down my spine, what you said about his reaction to the washing especially, I'm currently building up the guts to say the same. I know that I will face backlash from it though.

trying same thing again I will make dinner, he will turn his nose up at it, but once I've gone to bed I hear him warming it up

The biggest joke at the moment is FW has been spending nights away, leaves saying I'm just popping out, and doesn't come home.

He clearly has a women but won't admit it, I'm not bothered and have not asked him anything, which is probably pissing him off more.

It annoys me though that he still has control, won't tell me he is staying out so I can relax

I'm back!

Ok so here is a list of things I noticed from drirene website (described as if you feel the following your situation is critical which I found worrying)

? You express your feelings less and less freely
? you feel it's somehow not ok to talk with others about your relationship
? You hope things will change
? You doubt your own judgement
? You doubt your abilities
? You feel vulnerable and insecure
? you are becoming increasingly depressed
? You feel increasingly trapped and powerless

They were all under that section, that scares me!

I am going to make an appointment with the gp as I want to ask for counselling and some medication for my anxiety as I feel I need it to get through things.

I feel by doing that I have taken a step the right way, and it's going to be difficult to talk but I feel it's a starting point for me, and I am going to mention the points above. I am going to phone tomorrow as I am probably going to have to wait a bit for an appt but that's ok.

I used to think my depression was causing the situation, but I now think its the other way around. I feel so much happier when he is in w

Oops didn't finish there, was just going to say I feel so much happier when he is in work!!

Thanks for your advice, it has given me the encouragement to take the first step. It's not going to be easy. I am wanting to confide in a friend, but I also don't want to burden her, but feel I need to tell someone to make it more real if that makes sense!

littlemisssunny, I think it's a great idea to talk to your GP, and telling a friend is the next step. I did it in that order too. I didn't tell my friend for ages precisely because I didn't want to make it real, up until then it was just something in me, me being daft. She was appalled, which confirmed to me what I feared, that I wasn't being daft. You'll feel loads better for doing both, I promise.

I too felt so much happier when NSDH was at work, I used to start feeling anxious around 4pm, constantly watching for his car returning around 5pm!

I'm really sorry that I havn't caught up with others' posts, just wanted a rant. Sat here in tears and want to just scream.

Our floorboards are being resanded from tomorrow so all day I've been moving boxes etc, had to take a day off work and I'm knackered. I can't move the heavy furniture and some of it's going in DD's room so I was hoping (although why I didn't ask him I don't know) that NSDH would be home a little early from work today to help me before she goes to bed.

But no, just had a text saying he's working late and won't be home before nine. Couldn't stop myself and texted back saying we won't get everything moved in time now. He replied saying its not a big deal and we will.

So basically, what will now happen is I will have to get up early tomorrow to get it all done before he leaves for work, and DD will be woken early and probably cranky, which I'll have to deal with before getting to work myself. As usual the only one who isn't inconvenienced is HIM. So he gets exactly what he planned all alone - me up at the same time as him.

Such a good fucking little housewife I am. What a fucking mug.