Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello all, just wrote a long post feeling very sorry for myself but lost it when I tried to preview it.

Welcome Gaga - sorry you have had to join this thread but sure you will find some support here. My h also tries to be controlling when it comes to clothes. He buys me things he knows I won't like so I "can be sexy when I go out with him". I ask him why we can't choose things we both like (probably because such things don't exist) and why can't we compromise and he said "we do compromise - I let you wear what you want to work and when you go to your mum's". It would be laughable if it wasn't so awful.

Bertie so sorry to hear about your cats.

I feel really sad today - want him to fix my marriage but fear it has all gone too far.

I won't spend long here now as it is my first day off in weeks and I have things I want to do and things I have to do - I really need my "me" time.

Perhaps it's just as well I lost my first post as this sounds a bit more up-beat and hopeful (which will give you an idea of how down my first post was).

Stay strong.

Hi LittleMiss and welcome to the start of the long road to freedom.

Your post is full of worrying indicators, but at the end of the day if he is not making you happy you don't need a reason or a diagnosis or a validation by anybody to end the relationship. It is enough to say "This isn't working for me I want us to separate". It only takes one person to end it, as the poor women whose FWs leave for an OW have discovered.

I suggest you read the links above, especially the ones about Mr Nasty and Mr Nice Guy from Women's Aid. You may well spot your man there. The com eback and post some more. The devil is in the detail.

I was with a friend and her new man at the weekend. By the time I had heard the "funny" story of how he threw her puppy in the river "to teach him to swim" and seen him subtly insulting the waitress and poking fun at people I knew he was an EA shit. How to tell her though? She thinks he is wonderful!

He was so lovely to start with, couldn't do enough for me, did the mask slip before or after you had children. All EA people can keep a good front up for some of the time

Its all about money with him.financial control can be and often is part of EA. In a normal relationship both of you have equal rights over the money and equal say in how it is spent. Bet you don't get to decide what happens with "his" money!

I feel I cant win with him very telling...we often see the effects of EA before the causes (here it is often called spaghetti head)

There are so many other things make a list it's good to get it out there. Most of us are minimisers and excusers to start with. Writing it down makes it real.

When we have a different opinion my opinion is wrong.disrespectful

He seriously lacks empathy for others, and I am the complete opposite, classic abusers seek out empathisers/co-dependants

He can be in a really good mood one day and then be really grumpy the next. keeping you walking on eggshells

I have thought about leaving him as I am unhappy, but I just don't know how he would react,this may be the reason you should leave him he may not improve once you are gone but you and the children would: abuse is always damaging to children.

I think he would get funny about seeing the children, he would want to see them, but on his terms and I get the feeling it would be awkward between usprobably but do you want your DCs to think this is how they should be treated or treat someone else in a relationship?

I also suffer from anxiety which really doesn't help!possibly caused by living with EA you may find you are a lot better without him.

He is also very charming to others, and they think he's great, typical of EA mask

He also likes to brag about things, and when he is telling a story about something that has happened he always exaggerates things.loose relationship with truth is a red flag

Seems to me like there is a lot of red flag waving in your house. have a look at the links above and you may feel more confident that you are seeing what is real!!

Keep posting.

Thank you all for the warm welcome.
Hilde your neighbour sounds like just the sort of friend you need
I can relate to what you said, beings two different people. That's because you tread on eggshells the whole time he is around, worried anything you do or say will set him off.

I'm getting there, and my family all comment on how well I look after a few days away, but then I have to go back to it

ontheparapet you have to laugh, otherwise you would cry!

maggie I have to agree with others, please don't go to counselling with him, he is only doing it as a way back in, they are clever bastards and don't think like us at all, he will be plotting and planning on how to mess with your head. You have to concentrate on you, get yourself strong, then you can deal with him.

I'm off today, a new bed has arrived for my DS, so I'm off to try and build it, I really don't want to ask for FW help!

hello littlemiss and hello everyone else. Hope we're all well.

Newbies always welcome, it's always a mixed feeling when one of you rocks up - 1) I feel sad that there's another one who's NSDH went to the same Charm School as mine and that there's others going through this (that's empathy!!), 2) on the other hand, it makes me feel less alone and 3) I want to cheer that someone else is beginning this journey to their freedom - and it really is a journey, with a few detours and dead ends along the way.

Mine was in MY Starbucks today. He's just texted to say I look beautiful today. Typical!!! Only turns it on when he's losing. A tiny bit of me started to melt but then I came back here and remembered a text message is not a grand gesture. It's a free text. It's bollocks.

morning all

I cant believe since I last posted just a few days ago there are several other newbies welcome gaga namechanged littlemisssunny, its good that we have this place but sad that we all have the reason for bring here.

I had my first counselling session yesterday. unfortunately this has caused more problems with H. I told H about the appt at the weekend and asked if he would consider coming to future sessions. he got very defensive, apparently we dont need counselling as we can sort it all out between us, we dont have any underlying problems just the occasional argument. it will just make things worse if we focus on the bad things not the good. and we cant afford it (this from the man who has spent over £1500 this year on a holiday to pursue his hobby) I suggested that he come to a counselling session to find out about the first two points and that if we both feel we want counselling then my mum would lend us the money if need be.

yesterday morning he was fine until he remembered I was going and then started firing demands at me to send him our budget spreadsheet, details of contract with childminder, savings etc. Why? I felt physically sick.

I then had the individual counselling session yest pm, all went pretty much as expected. she can only help me if I am there, I am the client not him or the relationship. I outlined the problem (at length) she offered the opinion he is being controlling and I seem intimidated by him (massive understatement!) she can help me be more assertive with him etc. another appt booked for next week

he would hardly speak to me last night, did not ask about counselling, and went to bed early. then neither of us could sleep, DD woke up crying numerous times. cross words were had over "whose turn it was". he went downstairs at 12.00pm and apparently did not sleep a wink so has stayed home from work today. I finally cracked in the morning and went down to give him a hug and asked him to tell me how he is feeling. (I know he is manipulating me by ignoring me and forcing me to make the first move) He is angry with me for telling other people that we are having problems, he feels ashamed and is scared I am going to leave him. He will go to counselling, but does not really see the point. So all f*ed up basically. I feel sorry for him as I feel that he is not consciously abusing me, but he is not aware of his behaviour and the effect it has.

Thank you for your replies everyone, feeling quite emotional at the moment as just so tired of it all, physically and mentally. I can't remember the last time I had a really good nights sleep.

I had a read of a couple of the links and while a couple of the points made sense to me, a lot don't. That's maybe because I am just beginning this journey? I always just thought things weren't working because we are different people, and I still think I am in denial, it's hard when your self confidence and self esteem are so low (one of the points I recognized from the list).

I guess the big things for me are the self confidence thing, not feeling that my opinions are heard or matter. I also get confused by his change in mood. Another thing he does is go quiet, he sulks. He wont discuss things, or argue about things (not that I want to argue all the time, but I would prefer to argue a bit rather than him keep quiet). He sulks if I don't want to be intimate with him at bedtime because I am exhausted and just goes quiet and turns away from me, instead of just giving me a hug (which if he was nice and hugged me and didn't make me feel bad, I would be more likely to want to do it, I have to admit in the past he has made me feel so bad I have done it anyway, even when I didn't want to).

I never feel appreciated, early last year I sorted out our bedroom so he could put a desk in the corner it took me a week to do it, and his mum had been staying as he had been away with work, and she was full of praise for me and it felt great, he came home and when I showed him he said its ok, but this, this and this still need doing! When I told his mum what he said, she just brushed it off saying he is just like his father! All I wanted was wow thanks youve done a great job, I appreciate all the hard work you've done, that's all.

I make him scones, welsh cakes (his favourite) etc and when I ask him if they are nice, he says they're ok but ... Need more jam, or another criticism.

All I want is a relationship where we both respect each others views, can talk to each other about anything, we feel valued and loved. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to ask?

I am finding this very difficult to write as its almost like writing it down makes it real. I still think he isn't doing it on purpose, I guess once I can overcome that, I can start to move on.

Thank you everyone for your support, it feels useful to write things down, and see things from other peoples perspective.

It won't all ring true, but from your post, that's not red flags, that's enough red bunting to line Oxford Street. The more you read about our lovely FWs, the more alarm bells will be ringing.

littlemisssunny I'm the same, the checklists of behaviour on the links didnt strike a chord with me. Sulking (sometimes called withdrawing( is an EA behaviour - normal people tell you what's wrong, they dont send you to Coventry over it.

The criticisms and nitpicking are a way of undermining you. My H does similar things, I used to put it down to him just being a bit tactless/insensitive - but Im not so sure now. My counsellor said that its not necessarily the intention anyway but its the effect it has on you. Interesting that his mum thinks he's just like his father, is this how he thinks a normal relationship should be?

You know when you're doing things, do you have a voice in your head, like you can hear him?

I've cooked for him and before i've served it up, I can hear him in my head criticising it. Always happens.
I've been in the shop deliberating over choosing chocolate knowing whatever I get won't be right.
If we eat out, I survey the room for a table. I have yet to pick the 'right' one ever.

Criticism and control to undermine your confidence. And it is done on purpose. Have you unable to make small decisions and doubting yourself - Put You In Your Place.

So I defer decisions to him eg. where we go etc

I would get shouted at 'Do I have to make ALL the decisions??? Why are you so fucking passive'.

Nice.

MrsOscarPistorius you could be right about him thinking it is how relationships work, and I worry that's how our children are going to see it too.

I just feel so confused, like I have failed somehow? I certainly feel like I have failed the children by not being able to make this work.

The thing is, if a friend was telling me all this, I would say that isnt right, and they don't deserve that treatment. I feel perhaps I need to take my own advice, but I feel like I'm only getting what I deserve and no-one else would want me anyway.

I wish I had the strength to leave him, but I dont. I have considered counselling but I'm scared to go to the doctors as I just don't think I can say it out loud. Is there anywhere that offers free counselling that you can go to yourself. I don't qualify for free counselling with relate as we are not classed as low income but I can't afford to pay for it. I don't want to ask him for money for it as I don't want him to come, I need to do this alone.

Contact your domestic violence organisation please littlemiss - even if he's 'only' emotionally abusive (took me a long while to realise such organisations were there for me as much as people getting seven bells of shit kicked out of them) they will help. Often they don't even make you say the words, they get you there gradually. Took me ages to get to the stage where I could say it outloud. I posted on here under three names and changed my mind but posted and posted and even being able to type the words 'My name is Anastasia. My gorgeous, sexy, funny and charming boyfriend is actually an abusive wanker'.

littlemiss please dont think you have failed your children, it is your partner who is failing you and them. He has talked you into feeling you deserve it. NOONE deserves it.

Ana I have his voice in my head too. In fact I said that to the counsellor yesterday!

I shall look into that Ana thanks, I didn't realise they deal with emotional abuse too. I guess it's going to take time to accept this, and I think talking to someone who doesn't know him would help, as they won't just think ooh he's lovely he's so charming.

I'm new here having lurked for about 2 months. I've had a pretty traumatic year so far but have now instructed solicitor to start proceedings.

Main problem now - which is partly why I have put up with so much for so long (sadly other reasons are to do with my esteem and difficult childhood experiences - and spaghetti head!) is that we are living in same house while he refuses to engage in any adult discussion re managing the divorce. Has denied receiving notice from solicitor and just keeps ranting on about how he will defend himself. Basically he means to be as uncooperative as possible.

Just have to hope that my sc can move things on but expecting the worst
Haven't posted details because it will come out as a 2 page rant monster. I'll have to do it in chunks!

Thoughts are with you all.

Hi, just wanted to say I'm here for all that asked me over here. I may just lurk a little bit...

Please do littlemiss. They were really lovely and understanding to me. Just pick up the phone. It's a big thing to do, I know.

I don't live with mine, no children, no ties - must be so hard for you that do. I thought this meant I wasn't eligible for help and that it was for deserving people like you. I literally picked up the phone and went like this:

'um um um I I I I, erm erm erm think my b-b-b-boyfriend might be abusive'. Me, the University lecturer. I tripped up over all the words, apologising for phoning, for bothering them etc.

They are experienced and have all the right prompts. They were so lovely. To have another human being SAY to you that his behaviour is abusive..it's upsetting to have it verified but at the same time, the picture becomes clearer.

Please phone them. The law has changed too so EA is under the umbrella of DV now too. Just incase you need anything else to empower you. The law recognises EA too.

Hello lost and pickles

lost I think alot of us will relate to you - difficult childhoods and low self esteem make us desirable partners for abusive gits.

pickles I'm glad you've come over here. Lurk as long as you like and feel free to post whenever you need.