Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Found more evidence he has been trying to meet others, but again no clear evidence that he has actually done so. Feel I've absolutely lost the battle. Can't split up my family at this point, can't do it to DD who has had a difficult year due to double bereavement (which is why I sometimes give h the benefit of the doubt as he is also grieving) and DS is also finding school difficult atm. Finances would be complicated now.

What a mess.

Silver - your Cuppa Wars sound disturbingly familiar. NSDH used to sleep in next to cold coffee on a regular basis. For years. The day that he let me lie in, then, when I emerged bleary-eyed and made myself a tea, snarled at me for not noticing the coffee granules in his mug and pouring hot water over them - that was the day I told my parents there was a problem. Because they were staying and as soon as they came down he was, of course, all sweetness and light and perfect family man. It just made me so .

In his defence, though, he had tidied the kitchen so well that I couldn't find things for a week and cleaned it till it shone in the hour that I'd slept in and I hadn't fallen at his feet in admiration and gratitude as soon as I entered the room. So it was my fault, really. :o

I'm happy today because NSDH's return home has been delayed by a day. We have all had a lovely day - the 3 older dcs all said so, and dd3 said, "Dat was so SO boooring" like the 2-going-on-13yo that she is; when pressed, this seemed to be a good thing. :o :o

jan - sorry things are still so hard. Looking after a baby with no help is exhausting; hope your unbroken nights are just around the corner! Sounds like he's no closer to admitting he has a problem and getting help. In which case, it gets you nowhere trying to reason with him, you know. You do sound stronger, though, like you know what's going on more clearly now than a few months ago and that it's not your fault.

parapet - you wouldn't be splitting up the family. It's your fwh who seems to be doing that, whether you continue living in the same house together or not. Not that I'm saying you should leave (or stay) - you have to make that decision, but it sounds like splitting could be recognising a reality, rather than causing it, iyswim.

DCs and I have just been screamed at till our ears rang . I have now hurried the dcs to bed and cheered them up with hot choc and stories. Sad thing is, they aren't as bothered as they should be. This was all because the bikes had been left out. Prat. He then huddled up under a blanket as though he'd been forced to be awful and I'd made him look bad by giving nice bedtime to kids. I am standinmg up to him more though; it's a dangerous game because I know if get too close to a certain line, which gets constantly redrawn, he will explode. Lovely without him this morning. Luckily friend coming tomorrow so he can't do the usual bad tempered screaming on and off all day which is usual weekend scenario.

Evening 'ladees' (in kevin & perry style) :)

Just came to tell you that I'm celebrating tonight as Bibi's
got a new motor.

Swapped my 25 year old sporty two seater midlife crisis car for a 15 year old automatic marvel (getting old and lazy)

Thought I might get away with this shameless self promotion as I can now flit between urgent ticket issuing appointments much faster! (honest :))

Please do call '0800' who gives a damn to share in my delight

It's still so blissful being able to make these sorts of choices and decisions in life without some miserable controlling arse poo-pooing the very idea from the start.

Much love x

Congrats Bibi! A new car has been on my list for ages, we have a tiny 3 door car but NSDH won't 'allow' a new one unless we pay for it entirely ourselves (meaning I have to stump up several thousands in cash I won't have for years as I'm in debt thanks to him).

Just checking in, today ironically wasn't that bad. We took DD for a walk in the park which she enjoyed. I think he was behaving nicely after the shocker he had last night and the realisation that I can tell our counsellor on Monday. He's studying now so I'm left in peace.

Still no-one to look after DD while we have counselling though. Not good.

Hugs to all.

Well, hilde, at least you made it through and it made you realise you can't do that again. I'm sure my NSDH would be just the same with the touching and the "whatever you want" and so on. PMSL at cryogenic freezing to ease your load - quite a good idea, I might try that! Do you have 4 as well?

Stand your ground now, and from what people who have made the split say, be prepared to be in it for the long haul. :(

Hello again...

Just checking in to announce I've been dumped! Feel quite good for now, though I'm sure I will wobble. Literally just happened...

Texted this morn to arrange meeting up, I replied suggesting lunch and where did he fancy. No word of a lie, the next thing that happened was my phone rung and he shouted at me 'stop fucking asking questions'. He was going berserk. He texted saying where and I was on my way, I continued - give him an opportunity to apologise. My mistake. Met him and tried to get past it but the first thing he asked was for money for his rent! I said I wasn't prepared to discuss it because I wanted him to say something first. 'oh sorry for being lste'. Explained wasn't bothered about timekeeping, was bothered about being shouted it. Apparently I was unreasonable so he left. I rung him up to ask if he was coming back. No he said. We aren't going out anymore.

Twatweasel.

Fine with me.

Fingers crossed it holds eh?

I left my abusive relationship (emotional and verbal) ten months ago, and honestly can't believe how deeply happy I am!

PLEASE don't give up hope, be YOURSELF, get support and do not feel guilty for "what you are doing to him". It was bloody hard, but worth it.

I just found this poem I wrote at the time:

I passed away.
Yesterday.
And today.
A little bit.
Your words dismiss me,
as insignificant.
Unimportant.
Unloved.
I may as well have passed away.
Yesterday or today or tomorrow.
My wasted being. My wasted existence.
Me is there, inside, unapproved and unacceptable.
Unacknowledged.
Am I still there? Inside?
Will I die a little bit more? Will I go on dying? Will I wake up as myself?

Just want to write some things down that happened since my last post. Just so I stay strong otherwise I will start missing him...

Firstly, he looked fucking pathetic. Biting his nails, stroking his chin and generally putting his hands in front of his mouth when he was talking. I can't explain it, but it went right through me.

Secondly, he returned to where I had decided to stay to enjoy my wine and lunch. Boo. We spoke for a bit but I did not budge on the issue. He said it was up to me to sort it out. I haven't done anything, so don't hold your breath. If I don't sort it out, he is moving away. Well he has fallen out with his mum (because she won't pay his rent!) so his next option involves a plane journey to his dad's which may or may not happen. So basically I was being threatened with paying his rent or him going abroad and him saying i was going to end up with a fst ugly husband. This is financial and emotional abuse. My cash card stayed in my purse.

Thirdly, he bollocked me for making EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I normally apologise, minimise my issues and try to accommodate his. Instead, today, I went 'do you know what. I am making it about ME. You're right. But actually I'm in this relationship too so I'm within my rights to make it about me when you upset me'.

Fourthly, he tried to make me BEG to have him back. I point blank refused. He genuinely thinks I should feel lucky to have him. No more. I'm a fucking catch. I have a career, a brain, a sense of humour, wide interests, a cracking figure and some lovely clothes. I'm not grovelling for his cock.

Fifth, while talking at me, interrupts himself to suggest going to fuck. Nope, not remotely horny. He says - don't blame me when I cheat on you. Nice.

Sixth, accuses me of using him for sex. Sweetheart, if I was going to use someone for sex, I would choose someone less selfish.

Seventh, I apparently have MADE him beg me for money. Pointed out he could have got a job instead of sponging off me. Is what other people do. I would much rather he not rely on me. He really thinks me giving him money is him doing me a favour. I've seen a jacket in Hobbs I really want.

Eighth, I am to blame for his poor mental health. Boo fucking hoo. He wants to try: having to make sure you eat quietly, getting shouted at for choosing the wrong table in a bar or restaurant (every time without fail), not being able to like friends Facebook statuses, getting looked up and down with horror when wearing flats, getting told you can't make tea or cook (least I fucking try), getting shouted at for texting or emailing him at the wrong time, having to make sure not to talk about work (moaning is insensitive because at least I have a job), knowing he won't kiss me because he thinks I need my braces. I've been in therapy for the last year. Wonder why.

He's a catch, isn't he? So mad with myself. I hope I can keep hold of the self esteem and backbone I found today. It's come from nowhere. It really has.

Blooming well done Anastasia! applause

My backbone also suddenly appeared out of nowhere and my FW ex didn't know what to do. I was secretly terrified that he was going to wallop me but he didn't, he was astonished that I clearly didn't give a fuck about him any more (I did, but I'd got quite good at acting by that point).

Have you written a list of all the shitty ways he's behaved towards you? I did, and it was the best thing ever. As soon as I started feeling benevolent towards him again, I'd get the list out and instantly be furious. In fact I should have printed it up and kept it in my handbag.

I delight every day in the fact he is no longer in my life, for the reasons Bibi highlights above. I admitted to mutual friends t'other night that he was abusive towards me, and said I was worried because they knew him, and bless them they both said "well of course we'd choose you over him, you're lovely!"

and for you Anastasia! x

Yay, Anastasia - that's brilliant! Hope he stays gone.

I sent a link to a page about narcissism to my mum; she sent a long reply about aspects of it she's seen in NSDH. Then ended saying she hopes I can use the information to build a stronger marriage.

Part of me thinks: She doesn't really get it, does she? Most of me thinks: I'll just stay with him, as detached as I can, and get on with things as best I can. I feel so tired this evening.

Anyway, we have someone coming to stay for a week, so he'll be nice and attentive for a while.

Thanks ladies.

He's texted. I can have him back, all I have to do is 'beg'

Really am - as if I'm a dog! Dick.

ana & hilde you ladies are an inspiration!

I'm feeling your positive vibes and took a small step myself tonight.

I have been getting fed up hiding in my bedroom every evening so as to avoid conflict with FW. One of my Dcats is very old and has become very ill and last night i took her up to bed with me. Today she has deteriorated further and has hardly moved from the living room. I decided that I was not going to move her upstairs tonight. I was going to move to where she was.

So I am now sitting in my living room watching tv (for the first time since January) with poorly Dcat on my lap.

STBXH walked in earlier expecting to settle himself on the sofa as usual. He said "oh you're in here are you". He then had a winge about a few things but once he realised I wasn't going to engage he went upstairs to his bedroom. HA!

Maybe if I keep this up long enough he'll get fed up and move out?

Good for you Bertie. I hope I will keep up and not let me or us lot down. Counting the sleeps until my appointment with the domestic violence partnership on Wednesday. I'm excited and scared. I have counselling this week too.

Hope you cat is ok