Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yay for supportive parents, MrsP! I told my parents not long ago and dm said, "Well, we didn't want to interfere, but we were thinking recently, does he have no empathy?" It's a relief to be believed, but awful to face up to the fact that it may be true, if that makes any sense at all!

ponygirl - sure your weekend is going to feel so different from your terrible recent experiences. So pleased for you that you'll be fw-free.

Nini - heck. Start as you mean to go on, eh?

And you too trying. Renting isn't ideal, but if it's the only option in the short term, it'll be the difference between staying in this situation and carving something new for yourself. Even if you just do it for a few months.

Charlotte, when i told my mum that there were 'problems' (only 6 weeks after our wedding) because he was trying to control me financially, my mum said she had suspicions that he was controlling before, and she hadn't like a couple of things he'd said to me on occasions, but decided not to interfere because I seemed so happy.
Glad your parents are on your side. Being believed by people you love is enormously powerful!

Charlotte; Ponygirl its a double edged sword though isnt it? I was so relieved that DM took me seriously, but at the same time absolutely gutted that I had missed what they could see. I feel that I have made a terrible, terrible choice in marrying him.

My late MIL also told me that DH was selfish only months after I met him; stupidly I thought she was just having a go for no reason....

Nini hope you are ok? its like they all have the same script writer - he blames you because he knocked over your drink - and now he's afraid because you shouted? FFS!

Just been catching up on these posts.... Isn't it funny how we ignored the early warning signs but now, in hindsight, we wish we'd taken notice of them.

I remember a couple of incidents during the first few months of dating STBXH.

We went to a wedding reception. It was a friend of mine. He didn't know anyone. I introduced him to everyone I knew there and never left him by himself. At one point I was in conversation with a director of the company I worked for...it had been a couple of minutes and I was aware that STBXH wasn't talking to anyone so I was trying to escape. Anyway STBXH suddenly stood up in front of everyone at the table and said he was leaving. Really rude. Really stroppy. I was very embarrassed and nearly finished with him the next day (he didn't think he'd done anything wrong) but I ended up 'forgiving' him.

It was a major warning sign of the selfish behaviour to come. He has always wanted to be the centre of (my) attention. He has never wanted to socialise with any of my friends to the extent that he will 'hide' in the attic office if any of my friends come round. He has always expected me to want to socialise with his friends though...and complains if I don't.

Another warning sign was the way he treats his mother. I was shocked at how rude he was to her. Total lack of respect. Belittling her. Criticising everything she does. Calling her stupid. She seemed to accept it as 'that's just the way he is' (and still does accept it).

What was I thinking?

Marking place xxx

Hilde Thanks, hope the hedge cutting situation goes straightforward! Will be thinking of you!

Fool Thanks so much for PMing that doc, its really helpful. I shall be getting my emergency bag sorted and hiden away asap

Pony You are so right, I think he has sensed a change in me, normally after one of his episodes we would be back to 'normal' by now, but we are not and it just feels like a timebomb at the moment. He keeps making sarky remarks about me, my parents etc to try and start a row but I have restrained myself so far! Just wish I had the money to get up and leave straight away but know I need to bide my time and plan properly as when it does come to leaving time all hell will break loose!

In other news.....tomorrow we have to go to my sons godfathers wedding - a small wedding - no kids allowed and everyone has to stay overnight in the hotel (which is in the middle of no where). Should be interesting...especially when its bed time Am thinking of 'offering' to take my car to save his petrol AKA so I have an escape route if things turn really nasty - will be packing my spare car key too just incase - tactics, tactics!

Just a quick post as both DD and NSDH are asleep.

After knocking my beer over, shouting at me and being shouted back, he went back downstairs and stayed there until I'd cleaned up all the mess he'd made (the beer had soaked into DD's baby memories box so I had to move quickly to avoid anything getting ruined). I had to throw a few of my books and put a load of stuff in the washing. I admit I said to him sarcasticly as I went back upstairs "You could have helped me". He said he 'didn't want to get in the way'. Now he's pretending it never happened. Wanker.

He was doing early shift this morning and I'm so tired I stayed in bed until half 9 (havn't done this in months). He came up with DD after then, complaining of being tired etc, then got back into bed leaving her with me. He always does this on days when he does the early shift, dumps her back on me before I've even had a cuppa. Wanker.

Once DD's up, I'm going to give her lunch and go to feed the ducks in the park so he can 'study'. Need to fit in painting the rest of our bathroom at some point but god knows when as he won't take her off me so I can do it.

Hope everyone's weekends are going ok.

Hi nini hope you're okish My FW is working this morning too, it's so great to have the house fw-free for a while, it makes me realise how great it'll be permanently! Kids keep looking over shoulder so have to go for now. Hugs xx

On my own in the house for a short while, loads to do, but needed to come on here quickly. There is some evidence that h is trying to meet other women/couples, but no evidence that he has done so recently.

Am in turmoil. I had been trying a little harder to be the person he wants me to be but now I see no point. But now is not the right time to take steps to separate, for some very good reasons. No-one in RL I can talk to. I need to get some proper advice. I can't see any way out unless he changes.

Haven't had time to read any of your posts, sorry. Just needed to get this down, before he comes back.

And I actually spent a lot of time yesterday doing something that will make it easier for him. Bastard.

Ontheparapet
Take your time.
Don't worry about reading the posts. Start with the links at the top of the thread.
And, as we say here, keep posting.

Maggie, could you talk to Women's Aid about going to a refuge?

Nini, hope your weekend goes ok, you sound utterly miserable.

ontheparapet - nothing you do in changing yourself will make any difference to how he behaves. It sounds as if he's being extremely disrespectful.

I made the decision last night to contact NSDH's exW, DSD's mum. I'm really glad I did, she's been great. The girls told her everything that happened - even though NSDH apparently told them not to, with comments like 'It's our secret' and 'What happens in this house stays in this house, it's family business'. That's just not on. She said it's hard, because the girls are now reluctant to go to his for the weekend, but she knows if she brings this up with him he'll take it out on the girls, get them into trouble for talking to their mum about it, and generally send them on a massive guilt trip. But she's also reassured me that no matter what happens she'll be happy for me to still see the girls, and for them to see their brothers.

I haven't had any contact with NSDH since he dropped the boys off on Wednesday eve. Not even a text. I texted him at lunchtime today because I'm arranging to meet DSDs in town and didn't want to bypass him by making the arrangements directly with them (because it would just have pissed him off). I'm surprised that there have been no texts, and it's been strange to not hear from him at all for two-and-a-half days - longest silence ever between us - but I've felt ok about it. It's been a calm week. I'm glad of that. The other night, DS1 woke with nightmares and asked me to get into bed with him for five minutes. I did. If NSDH had been here, I wouldn't have, for fear of him being angry at me doing that (pandering to DS1, apparently) and for fear of him calling DS1 a baby or getting angry with him. I should be able to have a little cuddle with my beautiful boy without being afraid, shouldn't I? That's not an unreasonable expectation?

pony glad NSDH's exW was helpful, that's very reassuring. You're so caring about the dsds, that's lovely. And of course you should be able to cuddle your children whenever you want, it's not pandering, it's parenting and loving. What are these fws like. I get the same, not allowed to comfort dcs at times.

Nini how are you doing?

tryingtoescape, I remember on my birthday last year, NSDH took me & DS1 for lunch, and we went for a walk in a park after. DS1 was playing in a swingpark, NSDH wanted to keep walking, I didn't want to walk further because DS1 wouldn't be able to see us and wouldn't know where we were. He was only 5. NSDH was furious that I wouldn't walk on and leave DS1 to work out where we were & catch up. He was mad as hell with me. Told me I'd ruined the day (my birthday...) and we were going home. In retrospect I should've refused - we'd come in my car - but I meekly rounded up DS1 and we went, and had a miserable rest of day (and it was all my fault, apparently, for causing that argument ).
I also remember going for lunch for his mum's birthday (at exactly the same place), realising that DS1 (who was ahead of us) had fallen and was crying, cut his knee. I went to run to him and NSDH grabbed my arm and stopped me, saying I was being ridiculous. I was pregnant, but only about 8wks. He wouldn't let me go to DS1 at all, made me wait till he had limped over to us, crying with blood dribbling down his leg. I couldn't speak to him the whole of the meal.

Looooooord, why am I still with him????? What is wrong with me???

well its been about 2 months since weve separated...and things have been sooooo hard. so hard cos i still have to deal with him as he is the fathe of my baby - i have to deal with him multiple times a week, and there is a lot of hurt and anger, and i find myself so frustrated and upset almost every time i see him. i honestly wish he wasn't in my life at all. but he has to be for my dds sake...its just so hard.

You sort of - almost - aren't with him? Are you, ponygirl? Your posts sound quite detached, even though contact may throw you... And your worries about losing touch with DSDs seem sorted.

nini a nice man would bring you a cuppa. We had the Great Cuppa Wars here at one time, prompted by Ex appearing from a sleep saying 'a cup of tea would have been nice.' Well before that, on weekends long ago, I would bring a succession of cups of tea/coffee to him in bed, taking away the previous cold one, in hopes he would get up and we could All Go Out Somewhere. But by the time he had got up and made himself a cooked breakfast (thus ruling out going out for lunch, say) the kids were out and about doing their own thing.

Btw, he worked from home played Civilisation all day didn't go to work during the week, occasionally he worked at the weekend, usually away.

x-posted, Jan. As mine were grown, I didn't have this problem, so can only send sympathy. Do you have a regular contact arrangement in place?

yeah but its proving difficult! he takes her for 2 hours on tues and thurs nights, and one day of the weekend from ten brings her back for bed. every time i see him theres an argument. theres a lot of blame throwing now. hes saying i have a lot more time than him as he is working and studying. i feel i don't get a minute - im a single mum and also studying, but mines only part time. but he doesn't know what its like with broken sleep on a continual basis. its useless arguing anyway, we are both finding it hard - but theres never any compassion.

silver mine was obssessed by Civilisation for a while too. He's very obssessive in general in fact - at one stage smoking the stuff every night (result - v grumpy when not stoned, even more than normal), then it was politics, then conspiracy theories - any other fws big on conspiracy theories??

Pony that does sound really awful I am SO glad you are slowly escaping, I have had similar situations, why do we let them do this to us? Because we're ever hopeful and kind and they suck us dry like vampires. Lovely that you can now freely comfort your beautiful boy.

Jan really sorry things are so hard. Is there anyone who could be the middleman for handovers sometimes at least?