Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I wasn't messed up. Unfortunately I was in the whole of my mental health. Then. Not so much since.

Yeah that list is good isn't it, kind of shocking that mine does every one of the key behaviours. I'd say he does about 50% of the items on the checklist.

nini, maybe just stay home and potter about with DD, or is that NOT ALLOWED.

Silver, that all sounds very familiar. Thank you, that helps. I'm being impatient - I want a clear idea what's going on, plus a plan for the future, NOW! But I need to keep observing, reading, thinking. Pretty sure he's narcissistic. Not so sure about abusive. Until I read my journal and can hardly believe stuff from about three weeks ago. Is my memory so poor?!?

Nini - oh good (that I didn't sound dictatorial). That plan never worked for me when I was at your stage, anyway! Well then, how about a long walk with her in the pushchair? Park, ducks, playground, people-watching in town and so on. I find it tough getting the motivation to get outside, then feel better as soon as I do.

He'll only get the hump if I stay in, but tbh DD much prefers being out, unlike her mother she's an outdoorsy type! If the weather's ok I think I'll do just as you suggest Charlotte, if it's rainy not sure I fancy it.

Hope nobody's been offended by my poor language skills suggesting we were all 'messed' up. I can only speak for myself

Good luck with the email hilde.

Yeah, umbrellas and pushchairs are an awkward combination... I always thought a hat with umbrella sticking out the top would be useful, but then I have no fashion sense! :o

I once thought I was onto a multi-million pound idea when I thought of umbrellas you strap to the pushchair. Turns out they already exist!

You've got me thinking Nini, did anyone else notice an immense change after having DC? I can pretty much pinpoint a severe worsening in FW's behaviour from being "naughty but nice", he was a bit of a wide boy, cheeky, fun, smart but devoted to me and happy. Since DC1 was born things have just gone from bad to worse, slowly but surely. Isn't this mentioned in one of the books/ articles that fool has linked to?

Oh and should I go out with FW to "talk"?

I did ask him if he read my email and he said "yes". Silence. So I asked if he had any response to it, to which he said "what do you want me to say?". Fuckwit.

I can copy the mail here if it would help anyone to give me a big kick up the arse.

Charlotte I can definitely relate to the narcissist thing. I couldn't understand why FWH has been so agreeable recently. Then yesterday he came round with some divorce documents to sign, and was smarming and flattering and obviously fishing for compliments.

When I didn't take the hint and made a joke he went off all upset with a trembling lip (He is Mr Sensitive and Mr Victim in LB book). Then I had an email asking for "claritification" of my jokey remark. Tempted as I was to clarify that He is a Knob and I am not here to supply meaningless praise on demand, I merely apologised for his misunderstanding and reiterated how wonderfully we were BOTH doing with our DC. (Did you see what I did there? )

It is still messes with my head because I am so trained to supply flattery on demand, but he is confusing me with someone who likes him!! I expect the new GF was busy so he thought as things were better between us I would cooperate.

Thanks to MN I can see this game now and I choose NOT to play it.

Just wrote a post and it got eaten, which kinda fits with the kind of day I'm having.

Just was going to say, Maggie that's really abusive, please get help and stay posting even though it's shocking having the abuse validated by others at first, in the end it's liberating.

Hilde so glad you're doing so brilliantly

I am feeling desperate. All my strength and full of life-ness that had surged up in recent weeks have buggered off. Now I am a limp, sodden rag with no life, spirit or balls. Nothing left. And now my dm is not coming to stay today as planned. I had been counting on it, having someone around who cares. I was devastated when she said, but couldn't show her as she would have been mortified and she can't help that she can't come.

Fool could you include me in the pm of that leaving document please? It may help me get myself off the ground again. Thank you.

Yes welcome Maggie to the place you would rather not be. None of us really believe we should be here, but it is easier to see in some cases than others.
Please ring Womens Aid and read the links above and we will support you to get away from this horrible man.

trying have a > and a It Will All Be Fine!

trying it's so horrible when you're looking forward to plans and people bail isn't it . Hope you're ok. Is there anything else you can arrange with someone else?

Forsale, for me, NSDH changed quite a bit when we got married, but there was a definate downwards spiral when I fell pregnant. As a relationship we've never recovered. Not sure where it says in which book but seems to be common sadly. If I'd known pre-marriage what I know now, I'd never have married him.

Hilde To go back to what you said about the overdraft. You may or may not have been profligate with money. That is not the question.
Your fuckwit has most certainly been financially abusive - that is the problem.

Thank you so much everyone for your posts...just knowing I'm not alone is a comfort, although I wish there was no need for any of us to have to post on here.

Fool - If you could send me that doc that would be great, thanks so much x

I managed to secretly see a family law solicitor at the citizens advice today, she was quite helpful. I just wanted to find out about selling the house/leaving etc. Didn't say anything about the abuse to her at this stage but she must have sensed something as she said about five times during the 20minutes I was with her that if things get violent to call the police straight away and then call her and she can get an injunction on him. Wish I had the guts/confidence to do that....is good to know she is there though if things do truly get worse. But easier said than done hey...

He stayed out all night last night (at his mums who is away), didn't even tell me so I had to make up some cock and bull story to my daughter this morning where he was. Just feels like he is laughing at me you know? Hes now gone to do the food shopping, he announced to our daughter that daddy is going to do it now as mummy can't be trusted to go shopping with his pennies. Bloody hate him bringing her into it all the time, she is only 3 years old. Hope someone runs him over with a trolley ;-) bloody shitbag.

Thanks again everyone. Hope all goes ok over next few days for you all, will be thinking of you xxx

Thank you lemon and Nini your support made me cry (in a nice way!) Just listening to some songs from when I was young and hopeful . I feel so sad for the way life turned out. I just hope I can be a strong enough person to get away from this and set a better example for my dcs.

Of course you can, trying you are getting away from a fuckwit. And, as the great Lundy says, all the love and patience we have shown were not pissing in the wind (although it feels like that, and Lundy is not vulgar like me ).
Every kind caring well meaning gesture is ours to own and upon which we can build a better future for ourselves and our children.
So no looking back.

Maggie enormously well done for getting to a solicitor.
As she said, you need all the support you can get.
Continue to move carefully, you are heading in the completely right direction :)

Maggie, I feel quite concerned about your situation. I think your FW can sense a change in you, and that's when he'll be at his most dangerous. I spoke to the police this week about my NSDH's behaviour last weekend, they told me that I can report it at any time, and at the same time I could report other incidents from the past. So, you don't have to wait for any further violent incident to be able to get an injunction. I know you don't feel brave enough, but keep posting here and it'll help you, I promise.

I know a lot of you are dreading the weekend, wavering. Hilde's had such a stellar week, the change in her is just amazing. For inspiration, I went and looked back at her first post - and found it was only 2.5 months ago! Hilde, you've had an amazing journey in such a short time, although I know it's been a long time coming. You said September was D-Day, and flipping hell, you only went and stuck to you guns. One by one, we'll all get there, in our own time, in our own way, but we're on the road now and once the scales fall from our eyes I believe it's only a matter of time.

Hope we all have good weekends - I'm looking forward to my first NSDH-free one for a long long time. (barring child handovers, of course)

Hilde loving the 10 years younger idea Am feeling pretty low but bit better after ahem. I wanted to ask, how exactly did you get your fw out? I just can't imagine managing to do that and am looking into renting somewhere with money I don't have to escape. But it would be better to get him to move out.

Good evening ladies, hope you are all safe and well.

Had a painful conversation with my mother today. only told her 2 weeks ago that we have been having problems. I called her today to tell her I had taken up her suggestion to go for counselling. I explained how I feel I have opened Pandora's Box. Since starting "the list", I just keep thinking of more and more things that NSDH has done to me. Its got worse over time but looking back all the signs were there from the start.

I told her about a couple of things he has done, and asked her if she had seen any warning signs. She (bless her) said she never wanted to be an interfering mother in law so had not ever said anything BUT she and my dad had worried that NSDH was selfish, right from the early years of our r-ship. She also mentioned a time when we were all on a car journey a while ago, and NSDH spoke to me so rudely (she couldn't remember what) that she wanted to ask him to stop the car as she couldn't bear to hear him speak to me like that. She didnt say anything at the time as she didnt want to rock the boat (I was pg at the time)

I felt physically sick when she told me. I don't blame her for not saying anything before as she felt it was for the best. I just wish it wasn't true. Its like a bad dream. the only positive thing is that she has an amazing support network and I think she will plug into that to help me. She is in AA, so has her own demons, but AA has really helped her find her own inner strength and I feel I can lean on her without worrying she will crumble IYSWIM.

another slightly self indulgent ramble. thinking of you all and hope the weekend goes ok.

First row of the weekend just been had. Cant elaborate as hes here. God help us.

Thinking about you both MrsOP and Nini.

Nini - are you safe?

Yes. I was drinking a beer in our bedroom and he came in and knocked it over (was on the floor). His first reaction was to blame me so I shouted back. Now he's sulking and acting like he's afraid of me, we're not talking.