Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi everyone...firstly I want to apologise for my essay but hope I can get some advice as you guys seem to be in the same boat as me :-(

I have been in what I think is an abusive relationship for the past 13 years, nothing as as extreme as being beated totally black and blue but there is aggression, pushing and shoving, smashing stuff up, name calling, spitting and aggression/pressure put on me in the bedroom too. My partner has also been involved in drugs and regularly stays out until all hours drinking with friends. We have two young children, both which were a result of IVF pregnancies (due to my ovary problems). My eldest (aged 3) has started to pick up on our destructive behaviour and is affecting her too now. After I had my son (now 17months), I had to take a career break from work - my partners decision, as we would have to pay more for nursery and he wanted a full time mum for his kids. I now earn nothing and he basically controls all the money. We have a joint credit card which I can use for food shopping etc but I have to provide him with a spreadsheet list of everything each month and I get the third degree everytime the statement comes in and get called a sponger amongst other names. All my own personal stuff including car repairs etc (since I was first ever pregnant) I have had to buy with my own personal credit card which has resulted in me now being over £6,500 in debt. I am struggling to pay the monthly payments now as my money I had saved from when I used to work has run out.

I had started to accept that this was going to be my way of life but something that happened the other night has snapped me out of it. We were on a rare weekend away. The friday night we stayed in a hotel and despite sex being very painful for me I fulfilled my 'duty'. The saturday night, we met up with friends. Whilst looking for a restaurant, he was becoming increasingly moody and I knew he would at some point kick off. Is like walking on eggshells.That point came when one place didn't have any tables and right outside he blew his top at me and took all his money out of his wallet and pushing me stuffed it down my top, shouting I can take all his money as I always do and it was payment for last nights sex. He then stormed off leaving me in the strange city. I was lucky to have my friends with me as had no clue where we were. He has never been aggressive before in front of anyone else and always when out is everyones best friend so our friends were generally shocked and quite disturbed. I guess this had become a normal night out for me and had learned to live with it but it was their reactions that has actually snapped me out of it to realise it is not normal or safe to be in this situation anymore. My friend got in touch with him and he met up with us later that night as we were staying at her house. She thought he was sorry etc but never said anything to me and as we were all sitting at the table he sent me a text simply saying C**T. I showed my friend this in the loo as I wanted her to see that he wasn't sorry and what happens to me regularly. She has given me the courage to contact someone for help. I don't want to contact her further about it though as her and her husband are currently going through the adoption process and don't need the stress on top from me. Things have been tense between us since the episode above and I have expressed my feelings about wanting to part ways to which I was shoved around the kitchen and called all the names under the sun, he has since been in my purse without my knowledge and took the joint credit card, I know have no way of buying the childrens stuff - nappies etc, he said to tell him what is needed and he will go and buy it. I have nothing. He has said he will tell everyone its all my fault and about how he had to go through the IVF pregnancies with me etc etc and no one will believe me if I tell them whats happening. He just treats it like its a big joke.

I know now I need to leave but I live up north (come from London) and have no one here to help me. We live in his hometown and he is surrounded by friends etc. His mum also lives here but I could not approach her about this. I don't even know where to start to get help, how can I afford my own place with my two young kids with no job etc? I have no money to leave, my parents live in the Midlands but have health problems and can't let this bother them at the moment. I just want a civil separation and to move somewhere away but not too far, despite what has happened/is happening between us I stilll want my children to have a relationship with their father. I am scared of leaving as I have always worked and don't even know where to go to or how to ask for help financially or with housing etc or if I would even be eligible for any help? I don't want anyone else to know the reasons why I am leaving either...too ashamed. We currently live in a house we both own (we are not married) but he has been paying the mortgage since 2009 since I had our first child. I don't know if this would even affect my situation? I am also scared about whether social services become involved if I ask for benefit help? He is never aggressive with our children but they do see/hear some of his violence towards me. I tried so hard to have them through IVF and don't want anyone involved that could take them away from me.

Sorry to bother you with all this as know you must all have your own situations to deal with but I don't know where else to go to for advice without being found out by him or his friends seeing me. I am scared and feel so lonely and isolated but know the longer I stay the harder it will be for both me and the kids to have a new beginning. My daughter is due to start school next year and I know then I won't be able to just run from the situation and will be truly trapped.

Sorry again for bothering you.....hope you can help as I am desperate for help and guidance to get out of this situation and just don't know where to start :-( xx

MaggieMay I am an amateur at this and hesitate to offer advice but lots of hugs; someone will be along shortly who knows more than me I am sure but yes, this is abusive behaviour by your partner - no question.

re your daughter starting school, dont worry at all about moving her between schools if you need to at a later date. lots of kids move school during primary age, including mine, without any problems at all.

Wow, Maggie. You are certainly in a very abusive relationship. I'm not sure I'm the right person to answer you, but I didn't want to leave it without a reply.

I would say get in touch with Women's Aid. They'll be able to answer your questions and help you get out.

Best of luck. You deserve so much more.

Thanks so much for your replies....I guess I had come to accept it as normal behaviour and it wasn't until I seen how shocked my friends were that it finally hit home how wrong it was. Wish I had the courage to leave all those years ago when it first started happening but he always made me feel that it was my fault I had annoyed him etc :-(

Maggie, he is a horrible man and you do need to address this in whatever way you can. I would agree with the suggestion to ring Women?s aid. I wonder would it be a good idea to speak to someone in your local police/ domestic violence unit as you mention physical violence as well as verbal and emotional.

Hilde, how is the head today? Spaghetti free?

Hope everyone else is well.

Me time. Selfish long post alert.

Read half of Lundy last night, wow. I didn?t know whether to laugh or to cry. So I did both.
So far I seem to have a husband who is abusive (obv, probably due to having a personality disorder and being an alcoholic. Fabulous. Not exactly something to be fixed by begrudgingly seeing a counsellor methinks.

Ok so following some thought (up half the night pondering), and another FW incident last night, I need some clear headed thoughts on some ?stuff?.

Financially, I can?t move out and find a place of my own for at least another month. I am working full time at the moment and FW is doing childcare so that kind of ties me.

However in a month I won?t be working and I will have a lump sum of cash.

Options are:

1. Leave ASAP, on my own, leave the children with him and visit them when I can. They will be safe and well looked after with him, esp as without me there to cover he won?t be in the pub all of the time. I can stay with any number of friends, however it?s not possible to do this with the children, for various practical reasons.

2. Push him harder to move out. I don?t think this will get me anywhere as after all, it is ?his? house. Yes, it was his family home originally, but I have been paying the mortgage for about 10 years now and it?s now OUR family home. Fuckwit is unlikely to go. Only way I can see him leaving is if I got the police to physically remove him. And even then, I?d live in fear that he would come back in the middle of the night and do me serious physical harm.

3. Wait a while, make my plans and arrangements and leave, taking the children, after I finish work and find somewhere to live etc.

I wonder with option 1 am I really thinking of doing this in order to give him a short sharp shock, in the naïve hope that it might make him change in some way? I suppose the main advantages of option 1 are that it would give me child free time to make arrangements and get spaghetti head cleared, and it would also show him that I am 100% serious.

Otherwise, I think option 3 is probably my best plan.

There are moments when I just want to flee, but the thought of not seeing my children daily fills me with grief.

Thoughts?

Maggie so sorry to hear you're in this position, and yes he is abusive. Regarding the finances, I would perhaps also speak to Citizens Advice, and the MSE website is a great source too. I'm also in a financially abusive relationship (although a little different to yours), and found MSE to be really useful in helping me tackle my debt. Keep posting

Forsale, I think option 3 is your best shot, personally. I would be concerned about the effect on the kids with option 1, but someone else might say differently. You yourself say that not seeing the children daily would upset you, and you can't be sure that he would take care of them. Option 2 doesn't really sound like it'll happen tbh, these FWs don't like to move! Hope you're ok?

I have a dilemma of my own. While we've been having counselling I've had to put DD into nursery for an extra half day, but due to staff shortages they can't take her this coming Monday. The Relate counsellor said we can bring her along to sessions if we want, but I don't really want her there as I don't like her witnessing this stuff (although she is only 20 months), and I also think I'll hold back even more if she's in the room. I don't have anyone who can take her while we have the session. What do I do?

Nini - can you let him make the decision what to do? That way if the session doesn't happen, it's not your fault for not arranging the childcare. You said you want to keep going so that he can see you're serious, but in this circumstance is it better to leave it a week?

ForSale - it could also feel like a pretty sharp shock to the dcs if you were to leave the house suddenly - very unsettling, I think, especially if they have some (unconscious) concerns about him. Option 3 looks like your best bet to me.

Well, ladies, it's been lovely to spend so much time with you this week. NSDH is coming home tomorrow, so I fear I'll be less free to write. Not to mention think! I'm a bit worried that he's going to look around and wonder what I've been doing all week, given that I've spent so much time reading books and thinking things through.

Maggie I don't want to alarm you, but you are in a very seriously abusive relationship :(
Please get some outside help as soon as possible.
As Charlotte says, contact women's aid today.

No-one will take your children away although your violent partner will threaten to.
Are you sure you could not just pick the children up at take them to your parents or another relative.
Is there anyone in London you could go to?
Keep posting here
I don't want to sound dramatic, but I think the time has come for you act for the good of the children as well as your own.

ForSale are you married? I have forgotten

Charlotte this is exactly the kind of thing he won't take the lead on. Any kind of arranging things (unless it's for him or something he wants to do) are always left to me, I hate it. It's our anniversary in 2 weeks and he 'wants' to go out for a meal which means getting a babysitter in, but if it's to happen it goes unsaid that I have to make the childcare arrangements. This time, I'm not going to, I don't want to go out and celebrate anyway. I know at the last minute he'll ask whose babysitting and get angry with me for not sorting it out and nothing will happen. But I digress.

Ugh, its Friday again. I hate weekends. Hate hate hate.

Hilde
FFS!!
Are you supposed to say thank you that you will be living in the lap of luxury thanks FWs generosity!
Look at the pronouns
'I' am going to be poor and homeless
'you' are going to have 'your' debts paid and have 'considerably more than you had'
I am feeling very sensitive about FW and their fuckwitted reasoning today.
Ignore and get proper advice - not advice for FW's relative!

Nini, could you not just reschedule the appointment? Or is it possible that she could be supervised in the waiting room by the secretary or something (probably a very bad suggestion, apologies if it is). If you could arrange it so she could nap during the session, fine, otherwise I wouldn?t have her in the room. Oh and by the way, ditto here re ?arrangements?. So annoying, always me who arranges all practicalities. Even though he looks after the children at the moment I arrange their clothes, food, playdates, etc. Grrrr.
Yes, Option 3 is best, I know it, I just want to escape NOW. Had about 3 hours sleep and am just completely spaghetti headed.
Yes, arthritic, am married.
Hilde, the mail does seem very reasoned and reasonable, however almost too much so, as if he is trying to hit all the right notes. As for the idea of a relative of his being a mediator ? NO WAY.

Take out "this is not unreasonable". I recognise myself in that, too often I have pleaded "am I being unreasonable to ask A or B?" when FW is just imposing his selfish way on the family. You are not being unreasonable and you don't need to say so.
Otherwise I think it seems good. Would you agree to the go between being this relative?

I like your email, Hilde
My only thought is why the overdraft is yours
Surely the money was spent on the family and not on that luxury cruise I am sure you went on :)

Also don't see why you should accept his choice of mediator.
Well done for making his relationship with the children his responsiblity.

Specially for you Hilde,

he is using the piano money as "real money": get your sister to pay direct to the teacher either by BACS or cheque. This will help him to see that it is allocated funds and not "for you" also will then not be counted as income if/when you sort financial stuff. Go to CSA calculator and work out what he should be paying your children as maintenance. If you have a mortgage then he should be paying at least half of that plus half of any life insurance associated with it. Then work out how much your wages are for doing the books and paperwork and write a contract. Make it all official so he cannot see himself as "generous" and you know the money is truly and really yours. Also make sure you are living out of separate accounts, now, put child benefit into yours. Contact the council as you will now be able to pay council tax as a single adult occupant. Check your income as you may be eligible for benefits, tell Tax credits that you are separated so they can sort out a claim for you alone. If you are not employed and have a child under 5 you can claim income support. I think you will find that your FW's "generosity" is way short of the mark.

Your letter:
I have spoken to the girls. I have said nothing to J. We can address that tomorrow.(are you sure Hilde, would it not be better to tell him before??)

I will carry on with work but will need written confirmation of what I do and how much I am paid. I will deal with all work post and forward personal mail on to you.

If you wish I will look for an independent mediator. What are the things you wish to discuss? Financial and child contact mediation is available from (solicitors). I cannot enter into discussions about our relationship until you have completed the abusers course at the earliest.

I agree that you need to see the children and maintain your relationship with them. They want this and I have no intention of coming between you. Now I know where you?ll be staying, you are welcome to have them for two nights next weekend. You will have to organise collecting them though as I have no way of transporting them all.

My overdraft currently stands at £1,000 in round terms. My account number is x and my sort code is x. I will also be transferring the child benefit into my account. The CSA calculator suggests that your weekly contribution to the children's welfare should be at least (y). It would be fair to give the girls some regular pocket money as this has been too hit and miss. I am planning to take them to open real bank accounts next week so will give you their account numbers and sort codes then so you can transfer a weekly or monthly amount. I want them to learn how to be responsible with money and now seems like a good time.

Go Go Hilde.....my suggestion is that you do not enter into discussions about how the girls feel as it will appear they are taking sides and he may use this against them and/or you..let them tell him what they want to.

xxfool

PS sorry for being bossy