Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Nini
Yes :(
and
No :(

And - hugs - because we all need them badly.
Particularly after a crap day

the children will experience the difference and it will be good....that is your validation (well mine anyway!!) If you want some pointers then go for "When dad hurts Mom" by Lundy B and Silverman. It's not quite as good as "Why does he do that" but good pointers even though it is more rooted in the USA.

Assessment of change in an abusive partner should draw on multiple sources of information (not just self-report), and include attention to the following issues at a minimum:
Has he made full disclosure of his history of physical and psychological abuse? A perpetrator must overcome denial and minimization It is common for abusers to claim to have changed while simultaneously denying most of the history of violence.
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is unacceptable?
Has he recognized that abusive behaviour is a choice?
Does he show empathy for the effects of his actions on his partner and children? As evidence of change, a perpetrator should be able to identify in detail the destructive impact his abuse has had
Can he identify what his pattern of controlling behaviours and entitled attitudes has been?
Has he replaced abuse with respectful behaviours and attitudes? Attitudinal changes are important predictors of behavioural improvement in abusers
Does he accept the consequences of his actions? Our clients who make substantial progress come to recognize that abusive behaviour rightly carries consequences with it, which may include the woman?s decision to end the relationship or the placement of restrictions on the abuser?s access to his children. On the other hand, continued anger or externalizing of responsibility regarding such consequences tends to portend a return to abusive behaviour.

a good time to post this (again)?????????

Ladies please be careful and know that you are worth so much more than these men give you. Reach out for better.

Nini I am really where you are.
So far from knowing what is normal and acceptable that I am prepared to accept FWEXs version, which has been rammed down my throat.
I am still looking for confirmation that his is not the true version. :(

arthritic why would you doubt yourself?? You are not mad, you are not bad, you are not an habitual liar....when 2 people see the same thing they may see from different angles but it will concur...if FW's version is so very different from yours either you are lying or he is....are you lying??

no didn't think so.

He's reeled you in and you have spaghetti head again......trust yourself you know the truth

Yey Fool (why is there no applause smiley?)

I posted without seeing your wonderful reminder upthread
Keep posting!!!!
Again and Again
Do you have Lundy's list of excuses that FWs use to say they have changed/are changing?
Time to post that again?

I think I can answer a resounding 'No!' to all of Lundy's questions.

It is not so much that I think I am mad or bad (though it is that, too) it is the blind terror that FW's view of the universe might be the accepted one
30 years is a long long time :(
Boo to spaghetti head :(
Long live freedom from FWs!

I've been there nini, questioning is/was it really that bad and was I just blowing it out of all proportion and the answer for me was a resounding no and I hope it will be for you too.

Got as far as sharing pizza with the last ea FW right at the end when I'd already told him it was over - was wobbling and it was all so cosy and oh, how could I do this to him, surely now he'd seen the light etc etc.

A few posts from the lovely fighters on MN the next day and drawing on my own memories of all the bad times soon had my resolve back on track.

Was a bit awkward having to say 'actually, I was having a short period of madness last night, apologies but you're still leaving' but it was worth it!

Strength to all x

Shaking pom poms at all you brave ladies. Hilde, in particular, you sound so strong, keep it up!! You will start to feel so much stronger day after day, after some time apart from him.
Well, after 6m apart, I've finally got the guts to read Why does he do that?
My highlighter pen is nearly run out!!
The types of abusers section was a real eye opener, ExFW is a bit ofthe demand man, a bit of Mr Right, and a lot of the water torturer!! Whoever said death by a thousand papercuts has it spot on. And the final paragraphs brought me to tears. "If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was." And to think I only got the balls to leave him because he wouldn't give up his innapropriate relationship with his 21yr old assistant manageress (who he'd recently promoted!)
I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart again today at school pickup time. His DM came to pick up his DNiece who is the next class to DD2. She walked ahead of me for a while. DS2 scootered up and said Hello Nanny when I pointed her out. She didn't even look round and acknowledge me and DD 2 & 3.
I've never had a bad word to say about my MIL over the past 12 years, she's such a mild and meek mannered woman, but I can see now she's also spineless. Not willing to acknowledge just how awful and callously her DS has behaved. ExFW came from a big & loud family, they've left quite a hole in my life. Glad I have my lovely DC's to cuddle most nights.

Sorry Paranoid but did I understand right?
Your FW's mother just ignored her grandchildren!!!!!

I was about 45 seconds walk behind her if she'd stopped and wanted to say hello. She said hello to DS when he scootered off but didn't turn around or wait to see DD's 2 & 3. Then got to her car and didn't look in our direction. She see's them fairly often I think when they are with ExFW. I'm starting to wonder if ExFW's lack of emotions or empathy comes from her, she freely admitted to being unemotional when we were together.
I asked her for help a few times in the last few months of relationship, esp with understanding why ExFW did things that he knew would really hurt me feelings. Like adding his now assistant manageress 2 further times on FB as a friend when i'd asked him not to be friends with her on there. He'd already been caught excessively texting her and she clearly fancied him, it made me feel very uncomfortable and insecure. The 2nd time he re-added her, I asked him why as it clearly upset me, and felt like he was just sticking two fingers up at my feelings. His answer was the she asked him to again, and he didn't want to feel like a di@k, he didn't mind upsetting and disrespecting his wife of 12 years though, did he? Bear in mind that they are now seeing each other, Ex rarely stays in the family home i felt forced to leave as he stays at hers. He had weeks of sneaking her into our marital home, even before I'd moved out apparently and was spending odd nights at my mothers house during our trial separation. I'd hoped he'd come to his senses and realise what he was doing to our family, but the selfish twunt just made the most of his freetime. thank God none of the DC's came downstairs and found her there. A neighbour spotted her leaving at 6am most mornings wearing a hoodie and dark sunglasses. Lucky I didn't know she was there at the time, think i'd have gone in and dragged her out by her tacky dyed hair.
His mothers response was that maybe he just didn't think it was important. His parents now know exactly what he's been up to, my neighbour told them everything.
His DS told me that ExFW in his teenage years fronted up to his DM and gave her loads of abuse. He's not like that with her now, I think I took that position for many years.

Thanks ladies, just finding it all very confusing and difficult. NSDH was working late tonight so got in a bit of Lundy time, was reading it and nodding along but still it doesn't sink in. Sometimes I think I really am crazy. .

Paranoid, so for your DC! What an awful thing to do. But, this is your ExFWs family's loss, if that's how they behave your DC are better off without them. But still, what an odd way to behave.

I still have days when i think i'm crazy Nini, but they are getting fewer and farther in between. When DD1 (18) says, mum, you will be so much better off now you're away from him, it breaks my heart, but I know she's right. (My wise kitten.) Love her very much!
The same with the awful heartwrenching tearfullness.
Space, distance and detachment has been the key to my recovery, and my lovely therapist. Any of you who think you can't do it, you can! And you will feel calmer and more settled in yourself in time.

Just had a funny thought while finally gulping down my dinner - wouldn't it be awesome if all the people on this thread met up and had a chat/meal

Then I pictured the evening descending into calamity as we all simultaneously anticipated each others needs because of the empaths we are.

It would certainly end up being a total riot as no ones glass or plate would ever be empty

:)

have a look at this...short and to the point....for those of you who can't/haven't yet read Lundy, or those who need another reminder of the reality we live/lived www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

bibi...let me be the first to fill your glass

Bibi!

Nini, I read Lundy, and it all made sense in a kinda way but I didn't really connect or believe it for myself, or do anything about it. I've now had the book for a year, and only now, on the second reading, do I actually feel it.

So if you're feeling that it's not sinking in, maybe it's because your emotions have been so battered by your situation. Don't beat yourself up even more. You're not crazy. Give it time.

- imagine the fight at bill paying time as we'd insist to be the first to get our purse out - it'd be like that father ted episode where mrs Doyle has tea with a friend (no mrs deneen, i'll pay) :)

Thanks curtis, and fool for all the links. I keep waiting for the penny to drop but it hasnt really, its weird.

It'd be a great night if we all met, god knows i could use some decent friends!