Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yey all of us (as my teenagers would say)
keep stamping those tickets Bibi

Hello again everyone. Pony, Hilde & Bertie et all, sorry you're all still going through the shitty stuff. At least i can keep my head down for a few weeks at a time now I'm away from him, till he gets bored and starts all his fu@kwittery again.
I've been almost in hiding for the last few weeks, hoping things with ex would stay calm. No such luck, had an awful weekend. He's been pushing verbal communication/confrontation, even after being told be mediators that access via my DM is working well as no stress as we don't have to meet. It's the only way I can detach and not let him get to me. Even DM said don't ring Para, text to make arrangements for next week. I dared to say, No, I don't want to talk to you, text or email me, after pissing him off more by spending some pleasant time in the company of his DS and DBIL at a school thing. He sent text after email after email saying he was only thinking of the children, and why couldn't we talk like adults. Then tried to tell me he didn't want to do hand over at DM's house anymore as it was getting cold! WTAF, he just wants to be back at my house pushing my buttons so he can make me react emotionally, then blame me for reacting in front of children. I've vigourously defended myself, but it's draining, and I've eaten my own bodyweight in baked goods trying to feel better. Arrgh, controlling men, will it ever end??

Hi all,

So much activity, been catching up with the thread. Well done on the stakeout, Hilde! You stood firm! I can imagine how much courage that took and you did it.

Charlotte loving the name change. Pony difficult decision re logging the police; should be interesting to have that conversation with his ex, wonder what her take on it will be. I am glad the DSDs have her - are they with him just at weekends?

Hilde love the stuff you treated yourself to - a present for yourself and very well deserved

Nini I know what you mean about being susceptible to their affection - my FW is now a closed book to me but even when he does stuff that would be so bloody normal for anyone else (ie asks in blue moon if I want a cuppa), I immediately feel all my resove crumbling as some part of me is thinking, he's not that bad really, is he! Then I guess I have to make myself read my print out of my blog that I showed to my lawyer, it's stomach churning stuff and only part of it. Meanwhile we're having bizarre conversations about renovations - I guess his way of digging heels in but I find myself talking along with it, and then feeling I can never leave because of money being impossible even as we are now. Thank GOD for my new job - it really gives my mind time out.

Hugs and [choc] to all!

Hilde new NN is lovely! And I second the at the flutter!!

Paranoid sounds like you have the organisation well sorted, no wonder he wants to railroad it, he's a wrecker, like all fws, after all. Stand firm and well done you for where you've got to. (Wish I'd got that far!)

I think you must give yourself some space, turn off the phone. If you need it for the business, turn it on every 2 hours and deal with work stuff. Then turn off again.

Ignore hilde ignore and then ignore again.

If you reply even to say "leave me alone" then he is getting a reward for contacting you. Turn off the phone when you go to bed because just knowing it might ring/make an "incoming" noise will disturb you.

I slept awfully too last night. Most unusual for me! Must be the weather...

Hi pussy how is the house and garden clearing going? I had my carpets cleaned yesterday and it smells wonderful!!

hilde, No apologising!

This sounds good, but if he is serious then he needs to leave you alone for a bit. And attend a course. Your spaghetti head needs to unfurl.

lemon I am spot cleaning the carpets (easier than I thought, especially knowing stuff isn't going to get trodden in at least by Ex and DD ) to get them nice enough to get a professional cleaner in . I am finding it hard to get going on stuff, but that is just me. Garden is coming on, been raining for 2 days though, sun out now.

Hilde this is a carbon copy of my NSDH's letter from 2 months after he left our house. 2 weeks later he assaulted me and 3 of our children. They can talk the talk any time they like, they KNOW what they are doing. Once they are back they feel ENTITLED to go back to their usual behaviour.

Personally I wrote to NSDH documenting some of his behaviours and stating that he needed to show sustained and universal change in his behaviour and that I would not consider letting him back inside 2 years.

He has to show that he will do the work, he knows you love him and how hard it is to be alone (so do I) he is using this declaration to get back.If he REALLY understood he would not be asking to come back he would be sorting out somewhere to stay until he had done the work on himself.

Don't cry over this...it is not real.

Give him this web address www.respect.uk.net/ where he can find an accredited programme on which to enrol. They will liaise with both of you (confidentially) give you support and him therapy.

If he won't do the course, he hasn't understood the problem. The course will last at least 20 weeks and they will get in touch with you. Don't believe him if he says he's on a perpetrator's course but you hear nothing from them.

stay strong, keep posting, don't let him back. You will feel better, I promise

I need... I need... I want...

It's still all about him isn't it!
It's a step in the right direction hilde but how much is it just saying exactly what it takes to get his feet back under the table and you "helping" with his problem?

What about your needs? You have told him clearly that you need space and you don't want to talk to him at the moment. But he thinks his "need" to be at home trumps yours, and his difficulty with writing trumps your difficulty with talking.
Well guess what? That is entirely up to you. For once you have an opportunity to say "Actually you don't get to have your way. Your behaviour to me means you have forfeited the privilege of living with me and talking to me!"

Hilde he only gets to spend time with you if you want him to, and on your terms. Nobody made him boss of the world!

I think it will do him a world of good to stew for a bit longer and realise you are truly deadly serious about this. A bit of crying and apologising and promising to go on courses doesnt change anything. Actions are what you want!

Don't answer yet. Mull it over, run it past us, and don't let him wheedle you back where he wants you grateful for his approval.

Onward and upward!

Dearest Hilde.
Please don't send the letter above, it contains too much information that can be used against you.
Suggest something like:

^I?ve waited to hear this for a long time. And although I am not perfect the abuse is entirely your problem.

True repentance results in a changed life, forgiveness is available but I need to see the change before "sorry" becomes more than just a word.

I am glad you are seeking professional help from an abuser's programme. I hope that the course you are booked on is registered and approved by www.respect.uk.net/. It will take time and effort if our relationship is to survive. This has been the status quo for 16 years. In the grand scheme of things an investment of some months is nothing if we are to have a future together. Living together whilst you are in a programme will not work. I need to concentrate on healing myself and our children, you need to concentrate on your own problems. It's going to be hard. The change has to come first and be a true life change, in all circumstances forever.

You cannot come back home. You need to find somewhere to stay on a medium term basis. Of course you are still the children's father and we will sort out your continued involvement with them. I will discuss arrangements for S's birthday with her get back to you via email.

I am drawing a line in the sand here. I pray that you will take this opportunity to submit to God, seek help and make things right.

I?m going to ask (friend) if she will take the girls to (church youth group) on Friday. We can discuss future arrangements by email or text. I am going to reorganise my organ playing and let teachers know that the kids won?t be at Sunday School.

Hilde

or anything else you feel is appropriate!! try not to let him into your head and try not to justify what you are saying. Be Strong and Courageous, the future is starting...it can be better

That letter sounds great, wise fool. I could imagine sending something like that if it comes to that at some point in the future.

Very interesting time with Lundy last night. He looked inside NSDH's head and it all made absolute sense. It was him. And whenever he said something like, "But some abusers don't do this; they do this instead," there he was. Subtle, manipulative, uncommon tactics - but the same underlying destructive attitudes. I felt sick, didn't sleep well.

This morning, though, that little voice is back: "But he doesn't hit you. He doesn't even call you names. He's a good guy. Maybe it's you who has the problem..."

Counselling tomorrow. Hoping for more glimpses of clarity through the fog.

keep going Charlotte, the fog will lift!.

the truth is the mess get's so inside us that it is hard to see . And it is always true that we have problems/are not perfect. Unfortunately these abusers use that against us instead of helping us to become better people alongside them.

Ps there is no copyright on foolishness.....cut and paste, rewrite and use at will

When I met up with NSDH for the first time after leaving, he said some very, very similar things. I've let him worm back into my life more than I was comfortable with and look where it left me. You are doing brilliant to stick to your guns in the face of the promises he's making and his pleading.

Regards comments on the wording - what fool said! I was going to start by suggesting removing the bit about it being hard for you, not knowing where you got the strength from or if you'd be able to summon up the courage again - that's exactly what he wants to hear, that if he manages to persuade his way back in you'll be unable to ask him to leave again, so he'll just keep trying harder to achieve that. Fool's right, you can't give him any part of you. It's just about cold hard facts.

Do you want to reiterate your request to keep communication to email, and only use text for essential information-passing?

But that aside - I think you're approach is fantastic, and if I may I might borrow a few of your phrases for my own email that I'll be writing later... hugs hilde (and love the new NN), you're being so strong (although bet you don't feel like it).

We've just adopted a Springer....pets are good for the soul, great for children and super for families where there is pain....

goHilde go,

we loved our hamster and even the fish have personalities lol