Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Totally acceptable - I'm much happier with written communication than talking any day in any case!

But I have heard on here the advice just to get out first and talk later...

Ouch Pony you do know you have to end it sooner or later don't you? And he is going to kick off hugely when you do. So you will have to plan ahead to protect yourself and your boys. But meanwhile for your own sake please consider telling him you are going to end the date nights for a while. They are driving you to the edge! I know only too well how it feels.

Oh, hang on, you are out, aren't you? In which case, scrap that second line above.

hilde - go for the email. I left the house without saying anything and just left a letter on the table. I wish I'd just gone this morning without trying to be reasonable.

You don't want a discussion, you just want to tell him. You've tried face to face but he's made it too hard - maybe he can sense it and he's trying really hard to make you feel guilty. So: face-to-face wont work. Email is the logical next step. Go for it.

It was a really, really scary day lostmywellies. I couldn't stop shaking. Only other time I've felt like that was when he assaulted me in January, I'd never experienced being so scared I was shaking before. I was quite proud of myself for grabbing his door keys as I went out, he was not happy that I foiled him!!!

Thanks for the police info trying and hilde. I'm definitely calling tomorrow to speak to the DV unit.

Lemon, I know I am kidding myself that I can work on things. I could see that last night, he was being so vile. But even so I was utterly taken aback (but probably shouldn't have been ) at how he behaved this morning. Really, from reading Lundy again when I finally got back to the flat, his behaviour when I was attempting to leave was all in there. Completely predictable. I struggled to believe it was the same person as I married, but it was. I've been an idiot, and possibly will continue to be one for a while yet. I know if we divorce he'll be horrid. He's already said he'll be taking half the equity in the house (when I put in waaaay more deposit than him, less than eighteen months ago).

And hilde - just because you haven't done it today, doesn't mean you wont sometime soon. The time will come, I know. You'll do it when you're ready.

Oh ponygirl. Control. I'm afraid, from bitter experience they will do anything to try to get the upper hand, however immoral. I have been locked out of the house, the bank account frozen because he told them I was unstable ?! He had my car keys on the floor with a hammer saying he will smash them. All because I said it was over because of his bullying / numerous affairs.

They are weird. I told him he is bonkers. It's amazing, once you take a step back how crazy their behaviour is. I mean, he thinks I am having a lesbian affair with one of my friends, as well as all the neighbours. Anyone I talk to basically!

Nuts. Men like ours (were)

Seriously, listen to them. Watch them.

Loony!

Get out. Now.

(deep breath, not long.... This too shall pass)

Hilde, I have come to the conclusion that we are wasting valuable time and energy trying to get across how we feel and think, and to expect anything but self righteousness in return. They will not change. I will not be explaining to STBEXFWH why I am going. They think they are entitled. I can't be arsed.

My advice - plan to leave. See a solicitor about your rights, and you have many. Spend your energies on the dc. And get the fuck out.

We deserve so, so much more.

Mull x

Mulligan, I know you are right. Watching him rant last night it was like veils had fallen from my eyes. And I know that today, if he'd allowed me to leave as I was going to we'd probably be over now, but he didn't want either of those things to happen (unless he says so) and so stopped it the only way he could.

hilde I can feel your frustration in that email. And I really like the last paragraph. I would make more of the physical abuse tho. From my very recent experience, I'd make less of specific incidents - mention them, of course, but to illustrate your point about him diminishing you, not respecting you, badgering you for sex. The more nitty gritty you get into with specific details, the more scope he has for dismissing it because you're 'being petty' (in his eyes). And don't say you'd appreciate some space. That give him leeway to say 'yes but...' - say that's what's going to happen. You need your space so he's to go his mum's.

Don't be ashamed to be forceful and say exactly what it is that's going to happen.

Pony, it has taking me a fair while to get to where I am. Too long, really. I wish I had felt this way sooner but it's so hard when you try to put things right for the sake of the children, for the marriage, for the energies you have put into the relationship.

I saw a solicitor some time ago and we went through what had happened. She actually said that having one stable parent was better than having one plus a variable. It threw me, because everyone says that kids need their father / a father figure. I can see her point now. He provides the unbalance. They will be happier with just me, without the angst of thinking will it be nice daddy or nasty daddy today.

Oops may blub a bit writing that.

Marking place xxxx

Maybe text him: "Email or text only for the time being, please, as I asked before." Broken record until he gets the picture? And of course phone the police if you feel threatened in any way.

A huge WELL DONE for sending it! Another step taken!

I have (finally) ordered Lundy as NSDH is away all week so won't see it arriving. It's taken months for him to go away for long enough!! Have just stayed up way too late reading the preview bit and wanted to underline bits right there on the screen!

Mulligan sorry haven't read all posts but the lesbian bit rings put for me too my STBXFWH accused me of having a lesbian affair stupid man thought it was odd that woman hugged & kissed. WTF xx

Mmm, so must I. I hate short nights usually, but am so excited about having the place to myself after so long - all week, too - that I might just bounce out of bed in the morning.

When I had a Serious Conversation with NSDH this summer in which I said I might not stay forever, he went all silent on me. I was really scared then; I thought he might hit me for the first time (he's told me he's felt like it in the past). Maybe he was deciding what to do. He opted for the hurt and vulnerable approach. Hope you get a similar unscary result...

Am running out to meet up with a friend for a chat about yesterday & a coffee. Much needed for me, I think. NSDH has texted a couple of times, just normal 'hope you're ok, love u' texts, but I've been pretty brief in my replies, no 'i love you's back. Trying to get a bit of distance for now till I think about things.

But just wanted to say well done for sending it hilde. It's the first step now. Be prepared, because I suspect he'll throw all he's got. One minute he'll plead and you'll feel guilty. Next he'll be nasty and you'll feel vindicated, and back and forwards. Read up Lundy again on what to expect. Just gird yourself and as lostmywellies says, just stick to your position. You're doing what you need to do, it's not about him in any way at all. Stay strong, will pop back later to see how you are.

and

Yay! Well done you, you are being so strong! Pah to needing to talk not text or email - hope he doesn't put the pressure on too much while he's getting his things. He needs to talk, sure, but to someone else, sort himself out, and then come back to you. Months down the road!

Good luck this morning, thinking of you.

Well done Hilde !!
Keep strong. As I posted last time, the Freedom Programme makes it very clear that if we fall for it and let them back, things get 100 times worse as we have given them the proof they need that they can control us.
Things will get worse before they get better, but you are heading in the only direction possible. :)

Hi all, I?ve been reading, lurking, thinking, monitoring behaviours etc so haven?t been posting much in recent weeks. I hope its ok if I have a bit of a rant/ moan/ cry here, where I know you all understand. Unfortunately.

We had quite a bit of improvement due to various things we were making an effort with, but over the last few weeks it?s been ever decreasing circles, the gaps between the good moments getting shorter and shorter. His drinking has been frequent, not heavy but frequent.

I did a count and in 28 days he has been to the pub 19 of these days. Some of those days would include more than 1 visit i.e. afternoon and evening. Somebody please tell me that I am right when I say that this is not normal and is an indication of an issue. I am sick and tired telling him this and sick and tired of being told ?I only go there to get away from you?.

Then last night he went there after I went to bed early after an exhausting mind fuck of a day, veering between ?you?re a stupid/ mental bitch, your children don?t even like you, you dare to move out and take them and you will suffer?, and niceness and normality. I got the abuse because I gave him grief for going to the pub yesterday afternoon and not coming home until closing time. Also because I asked him to get out of bed before lunchtime so we could do something with the kids. My own fucking fault for being stupid enough to hope that we might try to act like a family in odd time.

Anyway this morning I lost the plot and really feel like I am at breaking point today. We literally had £25 left until I get paid tomorrow. Both cars have the fuel light on and I had to go work this morning, he had to do school run. So I went to my wallet early this morning to take out the £25 so we could take £10 each to put a little bit of fuel in each car, and £5 over to buy bread and milk. It was gone. He had spent it in the pub. I?m ashamed to say that I completely lost it. He was in bed with the kids (they come in every morning for cuddles after they wake up) ? I stormed in there, called him every name under the sun, slammed the door then collapsed sobbing in a heap. All I achieved by doing that was that I upset myself, I upset my children, and I gave him an example of how ?mental? I am.

I really feel like just curling up in a ball under my desk today.

Apologies for completely ignoring everyone else in my post, I'll do some catchup reading and post later, love to all of you that are struggling to keep their heads up and keep strong..