or is he? answers below please!

[veryconfused81]

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

[veryconfused81]

Thanks all of you again so much, I'm sat here crying again now, partly because I am so touched that you have all been so kind, and partly because I am terrified at the prospect of rebuilding my life again, I have had so much rubbish to deal with the last few years that I really don't feel strong enough to start all over again, yet again. I really believed this was my happy ending, and I'm gutted that it has turned out like this.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

Right, Mrs! First of all . Second, good for you. I think maybe you need a rest and a bit of calm. Your happy ever after is knowing your DCs will not deal with an abusive relationship. You can find love or sex or whatever but they need not to be worrying about this man. You are obviously incredibly able and strong. You will be fine.

[veryconfused81]

You were right first time with the spelling Noqontrol! You could run it past her, you never know she might be desperate for some cats! I suppose I have to decide if I am just going to let them go permanently, which I would find upsetting as me and the dc love them dearly, or whether I am going to try and find them a stop gap until I get sorted. I feel bad for putting them through the upheaval of moving all the way here and then having to move them again so soon, they have settled in really well and they are such lovely boys.

[veryconfused81]

MrsTerrys thank you. Rest and calm sound great. I wish I had the money for a holiday! But I will settle for not being shouted at all day long. BTW, in my condition, and my state of mind, love and sex are the LAST thing on my mind. After my ex who had me terrified for 2 years making me believe that members of his family were trying to murder me and my dc, and had me hiding in cupboards in the dark whilst there were gunshots outside etc, then subsequently kidnapping my baby for 4 days after I kicked him out (hence the court case now), and now all this with my new man who I truly believed was my saviour, I am officially OFF MEN. Kind of off life too to be honest but gotta keep trucking along for the kids I guess.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

Very, you WILL feel better. Get yourself away from this awful shouty man, his controlling behaviour, and start afresh.

Give your DC a quiet, restful home to recover from it all, deal with your nutty ex and the court case, then put it all behind you.

We are all here when you need to talk, when you need your hand held, when you need to know what your next step is.

But this man is NOT good for your children. Or you. You have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

I'm glad you feel that going home where you will have RL support is the best thing to do.

When you are feeling stronger, and more settled, then talking to Women's Aid and doing the freedom programme would be good for you. It worked wonders for me, now I see the red flags and know when a relationship is not right. I know WHY I was in a never ending pattern of going from one abusive partner to the next. Severely crappy childhood left me with ishoos.

I am on here quite often. Don't get out much as a Lone Parent to 4 DC's. I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to relationships, you will get better advice and no-one upsetting you. AIBU can be a bit of a bun fight, which won't be much help when you are feeling fragile.

You can apply for a crisis loan from the job centre if you need urgent help with removal costs.

Best of luck Very.

[veryconfused81]

Thanks couthy.

I am not feeling any better today. I feel sick at the thought of everything I have to do. Going to have to make some difficult phone calls today.

[Numberlock]

very We are all here for you, you will get a lot of support on here.

Let your children be your motivation and let your RL friends and family know what's going on so you they can get involved with some practical assistance.

[FelicitywasSarca]

Good luck today very thinking of you.

You can do this. One thing at a time and before long you and your children will be safe.

[Fecklessdizzy]

Best of luck. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids!

[OhTheConfusion]

Morning Very, good luck for today. You are stronger than you think and in all our thoughts. x

[fryingpantoface]

Best of luck. We're all here for you

[Bossybritches22]

Good luck sweetie- it will be difficult but the relief you will feel when he is gone will make you realise the long term low lying stress you were under.

[duffedup]

hey i am in brighton, i dont want any cats i am afraid as am moving but if you want to meet up for a chat or something. you are doing the right thing here op. he sounds like an utter shit.

[mum11970]

Best of luck Hun. Hope everything goes well for you. X

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

We're going to move this to Relationships as it seems like a better place for it.

Best of luck to the OP.

MNHQ

[Bossybritches22]

Well done MNHQ good idea.

Lots of help on this board, keep posting even if it's just to offload.

[veryconfused81]

Thanks everyone. I told dd's school that we will be leaving in the next few days so it's official. Going to spend today hopefully buying a new car as mine failed its mot badly last week, then at least I have the means to get home. I spoke to dd1 this morning and told her we are going back to Somerset and she said she wants to stay with her dad for a bit, which maybe for the best as I am going to be in a mess after this termination, and she will have a bit of normality instead of a stop gap until I get a new place to live.

[veryconfused81]

And again i just want to say I am really touched by all your support, you are all repeating what my best friend has been telling me for a while, but hearing it from all these other people has given me the kick up the bum that I need. Thanks x

[Bossybritches22]

very I can understand her wanting to stay & that it might make life a little easier for your difficult time ahead but do you trust him to look after her as you would want & with the hours he works would he be able to juggle it all. Not your problem I know in some respects but your DD might be better with a clean break, & get her re-settled into school asap before the term gets into full swing.

You have your family around you I'm sure they'd support you.

Just my take on it all, of course you must do what feels right for you all.

Have you told your partner yet?

[Southwestwhippet]

Please go ome to where you are respected and loved and supported. Everything else can be sorted out once you have people who care about you around you. X x

[veryconfused81]

Bossy I think she would be better off with him than sofa surfing with me, he is not working at the moment so would be able to spend time with her, and she has got her room there. He is not the world's greatest dad, e.g. he NEVER brushes her hair or gets her to brush her teeth etc, so she will go a bit feral but she will survive for a couple of weeks until I get back on my feet, and she loves spending time with him.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

A couple of weeks 'holiday' while you find her a school place won't hurt. It will be a bit of an adventure with dad!

If you have problems getting a school place (what year is your DD in? How old is she?), then there are some very well informed people on the Primary Education board on here who can help you. Fair Access Protocol can be used even if all the schools are 'full'.

You seem to have a very supportive best friend. I'm glad you have that RL support too.

[veryconfused81]

Couthy dd is in Year 4. I want to go back to the village that we came from as we both loved it there and I have a lot of support and friends there, and then she could go back to her old school. But it is not that close to where my best friend or my mum live so I wouldn't be able to have her there with me and get her back into her old school.

[littlebluechair]

Hi, read your whole thread just now, so relieved to hear you're leaving. I think you're doing brilliantly getting out quickly. I read your OP and thought 'argh, ditch him!' and it just got worse the more I read. Do keep posting and let us know how you get on, if you want to.

[FelicitywasSarca]

Excellent progress very. You are so strong and doing so well.