Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done? Please help me

140 replies

SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 01:14

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

OP posts:
ninah · 09/09/2012 01:20

what has he done? is the question here
why would he get so angry that you asked him about a text? I think you should stop blaming yourself

Tortington · 09/09/2012 01:20

so what was on the phone?

TheLastRavenhope · 09/09/2012 01:30

Your reaction may have been a little bit over the top about the text (not judging!), but he's done a damn good job of deflecting you away from the phone by slamming around and storming out with said phone.

If there was anything untoward on the phone, you can bet it won't be there now Sad

izzyizin · 09/09/2012 01:30

I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong

A man who has 'principles' doesn't lie and he certainly doesn't throw his toys out of the pramthrow/break things when he's been caught out.

Get yourself a new remote and doorhandle and leave him to his own devices. He'll be back later or fetch up tomorrow.

NatashaBee · 09/09/2012 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 01:53

Umm - this isn't good behaviour from him - why wouldn't he tell you who the text was from, why did he go pale? I think you may have to accept that your first instinct was possibly right and he's just pulling the usual stunt that many men do when caught out - ridicule you for being paranoid and refuse to let you see "out of principle" - load o'shite, IMO.

BustersOfDoom · 09/09/2012 01:55

What everyone else said. If my DP had been questioning me about a text like you were I'd have said 'here, read it for fuck's sake it's from O2, my Mum, my brother' or whatever. His reaction is not normal and would make me even more suspicious.

Not showing you out of principle my arse. I would show DP an innocent text message he was questioning me about and ram home the message that he was being an utter dickhead and demand an apology. Over and over again. Sorry OP but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could kick him. His reaction isn't normal and is totally OTT for something innocent.

Badgerina · 09/09/2012 02:00

If this were my DH, he'd have shown the text to me and told me to stop being such a silly moo. I'm not saying you approached this well, but his reaction is bizarre.

izzyizin · 09/09/2012 02:01

What time did he get the text?

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 03:07

I've no idea what was on the phone. He wouldn't show me.

I can't get a new remote, I've no money. Same for door handle.

He got the text at about midnight.

He isn't coming back, is he? I have driven DCs Daddy away. They adore him and I've no idea how to explain his absence tomorrow.

SadSadSad

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 03:13

Sleepy - have you actually read any of the responses? Confused
You haven't "driven him away", he has chosen to leave because he didn't want you to see what was on his phone. This is not about you over-reacting, it's not about his "moral outrage", it's entirely about the fact that he has had a text on his phone that he doesn't want you to see - and how many reasons can you think of for that? He has massively over-reacted - breaking stuff, slamming out of the house - why do you think he is so bothered about showing you that text if it's so innocent?

differentnameforthis · 09/09/2012 03:18

He was very determined not to show that text wasn't he! And now, after being out the house, you may never know what it said as he will surely delete it.

You haven't done anything wrong. What he did was as a result of a guilty conscience. You may never know what that text said, but you probably have enough evidence in your mind that it is something fishy. If it were me, I wouldn't let him back home until he could prove that it was innocent, because what he just did, is not the actions of an innocent man!

CaliforniaLeaving · 09/09/2012 03:20

You haven't driven him away, he chose to overreact and act all guilty and storm off. I or my Dh faced with the same situation would have shown each other who was texting. He does sound like it was someone who shouldn't be in contact and he went pale when challenged, sounds to me like you may well have caught him out on something or other.

PedanticPanda · 09/09/2012 03:33

If I'd have been accuses of cheating I'd (1) show my dp the text to assure them everything was ok as they've obv got worried about something and I'd want them to see that everything is fine, and (2) to prove that it was just a friend texting.

If you were that angry at a text then there must have been behaviour from your DP that indicated that something was up.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 03:36

I know it's suspicious and he overreacted. I think he looked as guilty as hell.

I'm just so heartbroken. Our DC are 6 and 3 and am 27 weeks pregnant with DS2.

How can we go on if we don't trust each other. He said it was over and I'm terrified he's right. I have always had trust issues, in every relationship and I can get quite irrational if I think something isn't right. I feel in my gut that he's hiding something and I just don't want to live that way.

But I am utterly shattered. He has been my whole world for 9 years. How can I live without him? I need him. Our DCs need him. I can't live without him, he's the love if my life Sad

I've no idea where he can have even gone. We live miles from family. He's left both vehicles, as he's had a few drinks, and he's no money on him. He won't answer phone or texts. I know I've lost him Sad

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/09/2012 03:41

He got a text at midnight and lied about the sender? The fact that he lied is tantamount to proof positive that the text he received was from his ow who was hoping it would cause ructions wishing him sweet dreams of her

izzyizin · 09/09/2012 03:56

O come on, honey. You haven't 'lost' him. He'll turn up - bad pennies always do.

As for where he might have gone, my guess is 'not far'. If he's not in your shed, garage, or other outbuilding, he'll have gone to a mate's or, if she lives nearby or has a car and has picked him up, he'll be with the ow making her dreams come true.

Wise up, honey. Weeping, wailing, and begging a man to stay with you is not a good look. It does absolutely nothing for your self-respect and encourages him to treat you with the kind of disrespect your 'd'h has displayed towards you tonight.

You're best advised to act the part of one tough cookie when he reappears and make it clear to him that unless you get a believable explanation of why he wouldn't tell you who the text was from and where he's been for the night, you'll be hotfooting it to a lawyer with a view to divorcing him.

With regard to how can you 'live without him'? Easily - one less to cook, clean, and launder for. As for 'I can't live without him', if that's what you've got to do, you can and you will for the sake of your dc.

lubeybooby · 09/09/2012 04:34

You were right. If it was anything innocent he would have shown you, not reacted like that. don't let him tell you otherwise.

onceortwice · 09/09/2012 04:41

Hope you are ok,OP.

I'm afraid it really doesn't sound good, and the fact he's been able to bail - in the middle of the night - screams OW.

He doesn't sound like a brilliant dad or a lovely DH.

2wwmadness · 09/09/2012 04:41

I did this to my stbxh. I wanted to see texts, know where he was. I was heavily pg. he wouldnt show me "put of principle"" found it insulting bla bla bla. There was another woman. I left when ds was a week old. If it was innocent, he would of shown you and been like "for fuck sake why don't you trust me it's from xxx see (hands phone)" I'm sorry but his reaction doesn't seem innocent

Homebird8 · 09/09/2012 04:49

Going to be straight forward now so hold onto your hat.

The one thing you are not going to do is take responsibility for his behaviour by blaming yours. In fact you are not going to start the blame game at all.

When DCs ask where Daddy is you tell them he's gone out. There is no need to tell them when, or why. If they ask when he's coming back say, later. If he stays out another night, you tell them he is busy, but only if they ask. And then you, distract, distract, distract.

Once he's thought of a good story he'll be back and probably before you have to say anything.

Whatever he's been up to that he's hiding, his violence is a real worry. Breaking things is often a forerunner of further nasties. I know he hasn't hurt you physically but he has hurt you emotionally. Think about it. Is this part of a pattern?

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles · 09/09/2012 07:37

I'm sorry sleepy but this is not your fault. It would seem he is overreacting due to guilt. I'm confused how you called the text number if you haven't seen the text?

BalloonSlayer · 09/09/2012 07:50

So . . . He got a text at midnight

What he did was:

  • lied about who it was from
  • refused to show you the phone to reassure you when he had clearly lied
  • tried to turn this back on you and make you feel stupid "wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous."
  • Became angry and violent (ok not to you)
  • caused expensive damage to items in the house
  • Threatened you with the end of your relationship
  • Walked out on his pregnant wife and 2 children

When what he could have done was:

  • Showed you the text to prove his innocence

So . . . what does that suggest is going on?

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 07:50

He hasn't come home Sad

DCs can't watch tv because we have no Sky+ remote. Have put a DVD on and told them that the remote has broken.

Nobody has noticed the broken living room door handle.

Am acting normal and when DS is properly awake I will tell him Daddy has gone out. I have barely slept. Have been very ill the last few weeks. Am meant to be working later but can't if he doesn't come home.

When do I report him missing? Sad

I am trying not to think he is with an OW, but realise that's a possibility. I have 'form' for automatically not trusting him, and being wrong about it. But he has 'form' for suspicious behaviour.

I know a lot of OPs on this board say 'but he's a good Dad' and get torn apart, but he IS. He goes above and beyond all the time when it comes to parenting. I couldn't ask for a better dad and co parent for them.

Marriage wise, things have probably been quite strained for a while. We have been TTCing for 2.5 years for this pregnancy. I admit I became a bit obsessed and he seemed to come second all the time. However, I naively thought that we had been putting things back on track.

More fool me. Looks like I'm a single Mummy, unless I can brush what happened under the rug and agree to forget the niggling feeling that something is going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 07:54

Haven't called the text number. Only his number.

I was sat next to him on the sofa when I saw an unopened text on his phone. Asked how come he hadn't read it. He said "It's from xx" (His mate). I couldn't read the name, but could tell it wasn't xx. So instead of going "Oh OK." I started asking why he was lying. Telling him we have the same phone and I know how it works. That he was "a liar and he was f-ing cheating on me"

Nice.

OP posts: