Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done? Please help me

140 replies

SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 01:14

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 12:06

No. Don't show him the thread.

Knobbers · 09/09/2012 12:07

God no don't do that OP! He might think all women are nuts by reading some of the posts on here!

When you are ready to talk to him it is important for you to express your feelings but also you really need to listen to him too.

Frontpaw · 09/09/2012 12:08

Don't show him the thread! He'll go off on one if he thinks you've been discussing it with the nation.

Try to keep calm. Have a chat over a cuppa when the kids aren't around. Tell him how you feel and what your worries are. If he says its all about trust, then ok, you can't 'magically' get him to admit to an affair, or whatever. I'd keep a quiet eye on him, but try to trust him until you have reason not to. A bit if escalated tit for tat isn't proof and he sounds stubborn! I'd also try to get a look at his messages too (I am very nosy).

missymoomoomee · 09/09/2012 12:09

Agreed knobbers

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 12:26

Wow. I probably won't show him then. Have seen lots of posters on these boards over the years say they were showing their DH the thread as a way to try and help him see from their POV.

Maybe not.

He has gone out to Maplins. Taken DS with him, in the van. Not sure what for, but I presume to buy a new remote control.

OP posts:
internationalvulva · 09/09/2012 12:32

So he lied about a text, got angry with YOU because HE lied, threw things around the house and broke them, stormed out and stayed out all night leaving you with the children and the worry of where he was, came home and told YOU off for disbelieving him (rightfully so as he did, in fact, lie!) and you feel bad and as if it's all your fault and are worried about losing this 'wonderful husband'.

This guy must really have done a number on you for you to feel like that. He sounds like a complete asshole to me, so far you haven't said a single thing that would make him endearing at all. I can only imagine that he WAS once lovely to you and has subsequently eroded your confidence and self esteem to the point that you will put up with this crap.

I can categorically tell you that I would have locked the doors on the inside and not let him back in until I knew what was going on if I had been in your situation. how dare he come home and make you feel bad, when he is so utterly in the wrong here.

He's up to something, I'd guess at ow, but who knows. you deserve better than to be treated like this, ESP pregnant and in that much pain. A wonderful man does NOT behave the way this man has. He is selfish, immature and clearly doesn't give much of a toss about your family. Call him on it, make him tell you what's up and tell him that unless he does he's out. And then stick to it. You poor woman, you shouldn't have to put up with this!

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 12:33

I would say that it rarely ends well if the DH sees the thread. So please take the probably out of your comment and do NOT show him.
All he will see is that you are getting back up for your accusations - and this will not sit well with him IF he's innocent of anything. Nor will it work if he's guilty.

There is no good outcome for you showing him this thread - but if you want to write down the things you have said separately to show him, do that - let him know that you know you have a tendency to paranoia and trust issues (as if he didn't already know) and you know this and you realise that you have work to do on it (again, assuming he's innocent, which he may not be).

PedanticPanda · 09/09/2012 12:42

You say you told him you love him and he replied with 'he loves us', has he said he loves you or loves the family?

dysfunctionalme · 09/09/2012 12:47

I don't really understand why anyone would show their partner a thread in which the said partner has been trashed openly discussed. Any more than they would play back a recording of a bitch session about them. It could not possibly help your situation. It will, however, hurt him and reduce the trust between you further.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 12:51

I definitely won't show him.

He said he loves me. He said he loved the family too.

Am exhausted and woozy.

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 09/09/2012 12:57

So... Have you discussed who the text was from yet?

Saying I love you is easy. Backing it up by being open and honest is what is required here.

izzyizin · 09/09/2012 13:41

Get some street smarts now, honey.

Underplay last night. Blame it on pg hormones. Let the dust settle.

He's returned with a plausible explanation of where he's been overnight and now you need to stop with the accusations, put on the most cheerful and loving front you can muster, and take any opportunity to check his phone/emails etc PROVIDING you can do so entirely unobserved and without his knowledge.

It's a waiting game, and while you're waiting to see if your suspicions are unfounded remember that flies are more attracted to honey than vinegar.

I hope it goes well for you and to reiterate what others have said, DON'T show him this thread ever.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 09/09/2012 13:54

Sounds like he really wanted to punish you op.
He certainly did that.
He was never going to leave you.
But he wants to make sure you are never quite certain that he won't.
That way you are always greatful when he stays.

He may be an abusive prick or he may be an immature prick who can be a nice human being when he stops playing games.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 14:03

izzy What if I never find anything? I don't want to live my life like a distrusting private eye.

We are going to talk when the kids are in bed. He's fixed the door and sorted out the remote. He knows we are not sorted and so do I.

OP posts:
SharpObject · 09/09/2012 14:04

Has he told you the truth about who the text was from?

Getting angry is a great cover.

Frontpaw · 09/09/2012 14:17

The more you ask the more he will dig his heels in. Try to let that one go for now. Even if it was a 'missold PPI??' one there is no way he'd tell you now because he's pissed off.

Keep calm, don't rise with emotion. Tell him that you worry about him meeting someone else. Blame baby hormones/motherhood, whatever. Its natural to worry about their heads being turned by a sexy young 20 something with flat belly and pert boobs, as opposed to a mama with baby sick down your front, dirty hair and old pyjamas. But you only suspected because of this one text?

Try to clear the air and get things on an even keel. Keep an eye open for anything suspect but don't 'expect' to catch him out.

Jemma1111 · 10/09/2012 16:33

How are you today Op ?

regnamechange · 10/09/2012 20:12

Ditto Smile

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 11/09/2012 09:41

Hi, sorry for late update.

DH and I have had some very long and stressful talks the last few days. There has been fault on both sides. I have told him he needs to be less secretive and less quick to be so over-defensive. He has asked me to stop checking up on him constantly, asking who every text message is from, and calling him 10 times a night from work. I have been jealous for no reason at times, although there have been other times I've felt justified. He has sworn blind that I have nothing to worry about, and to be honest, in 9 years, I have never actually SEEN anything I needed to be worried or upset over, it has just been the occasional 'gut feeling'. I know I'm always supposed to listen to those feelings, but I can't leap on him every time I think something is amiss, which is very rare.
He told me to go through his phone if I wanted. I decided to say no. I want to bulid up our trust properly, then it will feel real, IYSWIM.

I just hope we can sort our marriage out. Thank you so much to everyone.

Sorry rushed message, only got a few seconds before I need to go out again!

OP posts:
dysfunctionalme · 11/09/2012 10:21

OP you sound a lot calmer which is good. And you sound relieved that you've been able to talk, even though it has been stressful for you.

Maybe you two would consider some sort of relationship therapy to build the trust you both want?

All the best.

onceortwice · 11/09/2012 10:23

I'm certainly not going to cry 'Leave the bastard'... YOu want to stay with him and he with you, so all good there.

I do think you should say, calmly and rationally, though: 'Thankyou for offering to let me go through your phone. I'm sorry that I am sometimes insecure and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't mind me going through your phone in the future. I understand that it's more my problem than yours, but it would really help me overcome my issues'

Because:

  1. There is absolutely NO chance of there being anything even remotely dodgy on his phone after 12+ hours away from you.
  2. If he's offered for you to look at his phone now, he should have no issue with this in the future (at a time of your liking)
  3. You wouldn't 'leap' on him if his actions backed up his words (You wouldn't have had this row at all, if he'd just said... 'OK, it's from Joe, down the pub. Here, look'

So, that's what I would do. If he says that you can look at his phone NOW but not at some point in the future, of your determination, then I'm afraid I would be hoisting those large red flags again.

Knobbers · 11/09/2012 11:30

Glad you have talked and feel better OP.

As for these 'gut feelings', I personally think you need to work on yourself and your self esteem. While I'm a believer in trusting your instincts, I think when your insecure you can mistake this as a 'gut instinct'.

As for his phone, unless you have REAL suspicion he's hiding something, maybe because his behaviour has changed, I don't think you should be asking to go through his phone in the future. That's not learning to trust. That's still doubting him!

onceortwice · 11/09/2012 16:31

But, knobbers - the Op's DH is happy for her to look through his phone NOW... Why not reserve the right (even if you never take it up) to look through it at some point in the future?

KNowing you COULD means that you probably wouldn't... but you COULD. So eliminates the problem.

Jemma1111 · 11/09/2012 19:03

If I were the Op I would still be keeping a very watchful eye on him

BoomerGold · 11/09/2012 19:37

I second that, Jemma

The whole thing sounds to me that he can't be bothered going through a messy break up with you, OP so he's trying to smooth things over. It seems like he's had enough of your mistrust, but I believe he is hiding things from you. It may be a text relationship. It could be nothing more than flirtatious messages but it's enough to widen the cracks. He's losing or lost respect for you and doing nothing to put your mind at rest. He's either had enough and tried to take a stand which got out of control or he's hiding something he knows you won't like. Whichever it is, it's not healthy for your relationship.

I'm a firm believer in trusting your instincts. If someone really loves you, they are wide open about everything in their life.