What have I done? Please help me

[SleepyCaz]

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

I am new to this but really dont understand the angst around phone access. I can read dh's text messages and emails anytime I want, we deliberately have the same security codes on phones. He can read mine also, not that we ever do dh's texts would probably all be from me anyway so very boring!

If he was secretive about it and told me I couldnt I'd be very and would suddenly want to do so.

Ah but OP has admitted there is no real reason to be suspicious. She has touched upon a few minor instances but is that just him having a conversation with a woman? A friendship with a woman?

I asked OP a couple of questions upthread about him speaking/having contact with other women, friendship or exes. OP never answered this.

What screams at me from OP's posts are insecurity, low self esteem and that she's very possessive.

It's very easy for us women, after reading the relationships boards, to assume all men cheat. One text, without knowing the context of that text, does not mean he is cheating!

Onceortwice - why should OP have right to look at his phone? If he had actually been caught out shagging someone then yes, but he hasn't.

It's a relationship not a dictatorship!

Knobbers what makes someone insecure? It doesn't happen for no reason. I fully agree that a previous relationship can leave you wondering about future partners, but a decent partner would know this and make an effort to help him or her get over this problem.

Have you read the whole thread?

OP has stated she has always had trust issues in past relationships.

Does that mean someone has a right to demand the ins and outs of a persons life, bordering on controlling someone life just because they've had an issue in the past?

It's up to the individual to deal with those trust issues. You can't make the next person suffer for it without a valid reason.

The OP might be insecure but get DH lied to her about the text, fuelling her insecurity. He has left her feeling grateful that he returned and less likely to question him in future.
My phone is my phone and my DH wouldn't ask or expect to read my messages but equally if I had a text come through and he asked who it was from I would tell him!

if someone sent me a text at midnight - or any other time and my DP asked me who it was from I wouldn't lie. why would I, I have nothing to hide.

If he lied its because he didn't want to tell you who had messaged him.

so much that he got angry and stormed off. Then came back, (are you sure he was with a 'mate') did a complete number on you so YOU feel guilty; and you STILL don't know who texted him..

wake up sweetheart and smell the coffee

knobbers I'm sorry if I missed your questions. Been speedreading and also pretty tired etc.

DH has a couple of female friends, both married/in relationships, sees them every now and again, usually at gatherings where I am there too, along with other friends. He has one significan ex, by which I mean they were together 3 years, but he hasn't seen her for years and years and she lives across the country now.

I know it sounds like I've put up and shut up like a good little wife but I haven't. We have talked at length and really touched on stuff that's needed adressing for ages. I am still feeling watchful, but we have agreed to move forward.

OP my recent posts were not really directed at you. Thank you though for answering my questions about other women.

Have you ever had a tendency to be jealous over these women? Or maybe a woman he works with?

I'm only asking because my first thought after reading your first couple of threads that this may have been an innocent text from a female friend/colleague. After all it was a Saturday night so is feasible after a few drinks iykwim.

His lying could have been panic (like I said in a previous post, this will make you more suspicious/insecure) about how you would react because you would automatically assume it was shady. By your own admission, you have a tendency to be paranoid when he has given you no reason.

I'll admit I could be totally wrong here, but sometimes when you read threads on here, it is so obvious when the DP is up to no good. I just don't get it here.

Mumsnet is playing up, this could be posted twice.

Yes, Knobbers I read the entire thread. What I am suggesting is that in my belief, people aren't born paranoid, it has to start somewhere. If the OP's man was devoted to her then he, in my opinion, should be helping her to reduce her anxiety over such things by being as open as possible about everything.

He clearly has not done so in this case. That is why I question whether the relationship is safe regardless of whether he has done anything wrong.

Having been in a relationship where I was not trusted, due to my ExOH insecurities from a previous relationship, and nothing I'd done I would just like to make a couple of points.

It is incredibly stressful, draining and hurtful to continually be checked up on when you KNOW you haven't done anything wrong.

People are saying that if he loves her the OPs DH should be helping her - but noone is superhuman and there does come a point where constantly being accused, checked up on, being called a cheat/liar just gets too much.

It is a horrible situation to be in - and contrary to what people are saying - if he hasn't done anything wrong he must REALLY love her to deal with this.

As I said, I've been in a relationship with a man who was insecure and constantly thought I was cheating. I reassured til I was blue in the face, I showed him my phone, let him read my emails - I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to reassure him and it was never enough. Because the issue wasn't me - he would have been the same no matter who he was with. And one day I had had enough. Had enough of all the accusations, the tears, the phone calls whenever I left the house - even to my work - and when he asked to see my phone I said....

NO. Not because I was hiding anything, but because I had had enough. Showing him my phone/emails whenever he asked previously had NOT CHANGED ANYTHING. It made NO DIFFERENCE - things would be fine for a day or two, and then the questions and accusations would start again.

My point is it is the insecure person who needs to deal with their issue. I agree it's not helpful when the other person refuses, but please please be aware just how hard it is to live in what is effectively a straitjacket. It would take a saint to put up with it indefinitely and not snap at some point. I also think you need to have been there to understand fully what it is like. It is utterly soul destroying, not only because of how it feels to be on the receiving end, but also because you can see the unnecessary pain the person you love is putting themselves through.

In the end I left my ExOH - not for anyone else, but because I simply couldn't take the accusations any more, couldn't take having absolutely no privacy - I never hid anything, never would, but having to hand my phone over every day when I came in, and even then being accused of deleting things just became unbearable. I ended up with depression, I felt guilty because I couldn't make him feel better, I was nervous all the time wondering what would set him off next...

The OP said that her DH had said he couldn't take her phoning him TEN TIMES A NIGHT from work. Couldn't take the accusations and lack of trust. I can totally empathise with him.

But he came back - this time. So he clearly does love the OP very much.

I'm not saying this is all one sided, and I think they would both benefit from some counselling. Because whilst it is hard for the partner of an insecure person it is also incredibly painful being the person who is insecure - constantly on the alert, hyper-vigilant, constantly imagining scenarios etc.

Please OP - go see someone to help with your insecurity - your DH LOVES you, he must because it is so hard to live with someone who doesn't trust you that you couldn't do it without vast amounts of love - but you need to believe it.

SleepyCaz - I've seen your other thread about the amount of pain you're in. As well as everything else, constant pain and being pregnant is likely to send you somewhat doolally - I'm sure you've already pointed this out to your DH, but please make sure he understands that this behaviour of yours is probably even more excessive than normal (from what you've said) partly because of your condition. And you need to recognise that too, if you haven't already.

As has been said, you clearly do have self esteem and trust issues and they do need to be worked on - but while you're in the state you are, focus on getting through the next few months in one piece and ask your DH to be just that bit more forgiving and tolerant of you.

CoolaSchmoola thank you for that post, it made me realise that I hadn't given much thought to his side of the story and I should have on the basis that the OP said she pestered her man again and again and again over the hidden text, which imo isn't normal behaviour if you aren't desperately insecure.

I can definitely see that side of the coin, but a few things still bother me. OP's husband is deliberately winding her up now. He must have known she'd be in a panic because he hadn't contacted her after leaving. He knew the hidden text was gonna cause problems but let it happen anyway.

It would be really interesting if OP's husband had a chance to recount events here and opinions were offered. Perhaps it would show that there was unreasonable behaviour coming from both sides.

I think OP could do with some confidence boosting, that's for sure. Then she'd be able to rise above it all and stop being so anxious.

To those who are trying to make out the Op might be being paranoid or insecure about her H are IMO not helping her .

Be honest , what would YOU think if your H received a late night text and pissed off out all night ?
Who gets an innocent text and when questioned won't explain who its from , especially as it was so late at night ?

Op , I Don't think your H is acting like this because he is innocent , trust your instincts !

I agree with Jemma.

I trust my DH absolutely. He often works away / socialises without me.

If he got a text at midnight, lied about who it was from and then pissed off for the rest of the night, refusing to even send a text saying 'look I just need a bit of space'. Oh, and smashed the place up a little bit, I would NOT be trying to justify his behaviour as something I had caused.