What have I done? Please help me

[SleepyCaz]

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

Knobbers, that's no longer true I believe.

I don't know who it was from. It was just a two-word name. First name and surname. His mate who he said it was is a very short one word name xxx, as opposed to xxxxx xxxxxx.

I sound like a fucking nutcase

I wouldn't phone the police.

Tbh I think the text was from another woman and that's where he is now.

It's not normal to get a text at midnight and lie about who it's from. Yes you do sound paranoid but you say he has form for suspicious messages.

He has tried to deflect attention away from himself and onto you by saying you are being unreasonable to ask who the text is from.

I wouldn't call him now. I'd send a text saying he should be back at 7.30 (or whenever you have to leave) and I would be ready to leave myself then. I wouldn't say a word to him until I knew exactly what he had to say for himself.

OP - you sound a bit suffocating. I'd very quickly tire of a partner who questioned me all the time, and phoned me up to check on me.

It's overbearing of you to behave this way.

I am not sue the police would be interested in a bloke who stormed out after an argument about a dodgy text would they? Would they?

OP you can't do anything till he gets home. If he is the fantastic father you describe he will come back.

You do sound very needy but he sounds like he is hiding something or trying to make a point.

Neither of you are dealing with this issue by actually communicating.

I hope you sort it out. You sound distraught :(

IME people don't tend to storm out unless they have somewhere to go.

You don't sound like a Fucking nutcase. You sound like me! I notice things like that. Not that my husband has lied about texts but I'm a stickler for detail. I know exactly what you mean.

I wouldn't bother reporting him as missing to the police. He has chose not to answer you rather than being missing if you ask me. Unless there is history of self harm or being a danger to himself this is just his decision to punish you.

If he had said 'that is Joe Blogs' you would have probably have gone 'oh OK'and left it. He didn't he said 'it is Fred'.

If you were sure the name was wrong then yes he was lying and he has deliberately done all this rather than tell you. He deliberately lied and then had a tantrum in order to not tell you. He has deliberately left and refused to answer your calls, in my opinion, to punish you and make you go back to good little wife whose automatic reaction is worry.

He calls you ridiculous and won't tell you on 'principal'. This is not far off you are being paranoid/crazy in my book which a lot of people say when trying to cover wrong doing.

No you don't sound like a nutcase OP. Your stressed and you have been for sometime.

Right ok then, it seems he definitely lied about who it was.
The obvious reaction is to assume he is cheating. This still might not be the case though, you only have one text to go by and you don't know the context of that text.

My other thought could be that it is from a woman, but it could genuinely be a platonic friendship. He could be panicking because he knows your insecure and would get the wrong idea. His reaction is not going to help though is it? It's going to make you more insecure.

Is he allowed to have friendships with other women without you accusing him of something? Who are the people you question him about on FB? Are they exes or random women? I'm assuming they are women because you said your paranoid he is going to cheat.

You might have lost it last night but you are going to hold it together today because that's what mothers do.

You will keep your children's day as normal as possible, you will eat something and drink tea/water, and focus on getting through the day without drama.

You need to stop obsessing over where he might have gone or how you "caused" this. There are relationship issues to address when he is back, but right now you need to get on with your day.

YOu DON'T sound like a nutcase. YOu have reasonale grounds for feeling suspicious. YOu haven't made all this up have you

• your DH got a text at midnight, said it was from a mate when you know it wasn',t then refused to say who it was from, then created a 'diversion', then walked out.

I repeat you have reasonable grounds for your instincts to be yelling at you that he's lying and covering up.

YOu sound pretty sensible sceptical to me - I'd be the same in your shoes.

Try to make some short-term - next few days - plans on the assumption that you are right.

Hope you are OK, OP.

I don't think the police will be in a position to do to much. I mean, he's an adult, who left of his own accord and there is a reason he may wish to stay away from the family home.

I do appreciate that he might be pig sick of being accused of stuff, but a good way of not getting accused is to NOT lie!! (and as far as I have understood, while the OP doesn't know who DID send the text, she is pretty certain it's not who her DH said it was) and not many people have the wherewithall to skidaddle in the middle of the night.

I hope that there is a happy ending to this story, but his response is going to mean the OP is going to have a residual doubt. I don't see why the OP should have to take responsiblity for that. I would say I am extremely trusting of my DH, but I would be questioning things if I pulled him up on an obvious (if small) lie and this was his reaction. Really, I would.

So sorry for your turmoil OP x

Would anyone else here send a text at midnight unless it was an absolute emergency? - and surely an emergency would warrant a phone call. It doesn't sound good does it?

Op I think you need to calm down, you panicing is not going to change the situation, and all you can do is imagine until he gets back what the situation is.

Firstly, the kids can watch sky, you can control the channels and everything from the box.

Secondly you need to arrange childcare so you can go to work.

Thirdly, you constantly calling/texting isn't going to encourage him home any sooner (although I know how tempting it must be) so don't do it, he is more likely to come back if he hears nothing IMO.

You need to plan your day as if he isn't going to be there. Doing the practical things will take your mind off it slightly. I don't know if he is cheating or not, it sounds like he may be, equally it sounds like your constant thinking he is cheating could well be the issue here. Only you and he know what goes on in your marriage. Whatever it is you and he need a very open and honest talk and possibly some counselling in the long term.

Um of course there is a reason for texts at midnight. Random drunk texting for example.

I text my mates, brothers or work colleagues when I'm drunk. Just fun stuff. I also get random texts at night on weekends.

I agree missymoo

I can't quite work out what's going on here either. I hope you and he can get to some frank talking soon though.

you have not driven him away.

he is up to no good (clearly! and he was very determined you should not see that message...you have to ask why. I have NO messages ever, that my DH shoudl not see. I like my privacy, but if our marriage was hinged on an innocent text, I would defo SHOW him how innocent it was, before I stormed out!), you were onto him.

Now you blame yourself?! Don't.

he is probably at the person's house who sent the text by now...sadly.

Fwiw I've got two excellent male friends that text at all hours, particularly one who's going through a divorce. If phone lights up at midnight and I see it, DH says is that x or y, I tell him which guy it is and then we carry on doing whatever, no lying etc, but I coud see if DH constantly questioned me etc regarding them texting, I would get annoyed with it even though both mates are exactly that and will never be anything else.

If he'd said it was Jane smith would you have gone nuts or been like okay who's she kind of thing??

Knobbers Yep your right, didn't think that one through

Am holding it together. DCs a I are all up, washed and dressed and have been since 8.30am. Kids watching Toy Story and colouring/playing with Lego. Housework done and washing out. Life has to go on eh?

Am in a lot of pain, but don't want to take my painkillers because they make me a bit drowsy, and on top of no sleep, they'd knock me out.

I think he has decided to go for good. I was really like a dog with a bone. He'd had a drink, but not loads.

I am distraught, as someone said. I love and miss him more than anything. I wish I could take it back.

The last 2 or 3 weeks have been so hard

*and i

I'm just trying to be rational for the OP's sake here. I don't think its helping her when people are diving in saying he is definitely cheating without digging deeper into other issues in the relationship. Not all men cheat!

Op, if I were you I'd be checking the computer to look for possible emails from an OW whilst he's not there.

You must have sensed a change in his behaviour to accuse him so strongly, and I don't think its because you are too insecure.

His overreaction also tells me that there is highly likely to be someone else , why else would he get a text at midnight and storm off ?
He's not taken a car so could this person be within walking distance I wonder ?

Sorry , but for all you know he could be curled up with her now , both of them slagging you off, whilst you're frantic with worry .

He's an arsehole

It is still early OP, you will here from him I'm sure. He may have stormed off to the pub to meet a friend, got drunk and slept on his mates sofa.

If he's not here I can't go to work. I'm an auxiliary nurse and start at 8 pm and finish at 8am. There is nobody who can come overnight to take care of my DCs and them take them to school/preschool in the morning. I can't leave it any later than the next 30mins or so to call them and tell them I'm not going in. No point in texting or calling him to remind him of this, he knows that if he isn't here, I can't go to work.

He's made his choice in that respect by the looks of it.

FFS Jemma, how is that going to help OP?

He's probably with OW, slagging her off and laughing at her?

Really?