Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done? Please help me

140 replies

SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 01:14

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 09/09/2012 10:10

Knobbers,

It's obvious somethings going on isn't it ?

And , if as I suspect he is with an OW , well do you honestly think he's going to be talking respectfully about Sleepycaz to her or putting her down so he doesn't look the bad guy ?

I hope I'm wrong , but if not I just wanted the Op to get tough on him

slightlycrumpled · 09/09/2012 10:11

Gosh, what a nightmare for you. He may not be with another woman but he is treating you badly by not contacting you this morning. Raging off is one thing but leaving you with the children knowing you have been both poorly & expected at work is quite another.

You are getting great advice here, I hope he turns up or contacts you soon, just so you know he is ok. He is being incredibly selfish. Sad

Knobbers · 09/09/2012 10:20

Giving advice to get tough on him is one thing but to tell someone who is distressed her husband is with another woman laughing at him is irresponsible and quite frankly immature!

missymoomoomee · 09/09/2012 10:21

Jemma thats so out of order.

OP you are going to imagine the worst, of course you are, I would in this situation too, however he probably has gone to chat about it with a mate and ended up falling asleep (especially if he has had a few more drinks).

Regarding work I would maybe leave calling in sick for now (if you feel up to going in) and maybe use some pregnancy related last minute thing (sickness or sciatica or something) if he doesn't show (I wouldn't usually suggest that but in your circumstance as a one off I think it will be ok)

AllOverIt · 09/09/2012 10:33

Even if it is all innocent, and he feels suffocated and needs some space, then he's being inconsiderate for not telling you he's safe and to tell you whether he'll be home tonight.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 10:52

Sleepy - just text him to ask him to let you know if he's coming back in time for you to go to work - he may not realise how early you have to let them know if you can't and think he can just swan back in after work and it will all be ok.

Can you phone his workplace? All the rest aside, he really should consider your working position - just totally irresponsible on his part not to let you know whether or not he'll be there for his children.

LouMacca · 09/09/2012 10:53

Don't want to generalize but why can't some men just be open and talk things through?

I've met up with 4 separate friends this week and all of them are going through problems with their marriages because of this kind of behaviour. Me and my DH have been going to Relate too stemming from communication problems. I suppose that's a whole other thread.....

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 10:57

He has text me to say he's coming to get his car, then leaving again. He's says we aren't a team anymore and that I have ruined everything. Said that when I said I didnt trust him, last night, it was the last straw.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up. My wonderful husband SadSadSadSad

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 09/09/2012 11:00

Knobbers ,

If you read my posts properly you will see that I haven't said at all the Ops H was laughing at her , I haven't used that word at all so get your facts right !

Yes, I did say that if he was with an OW they may be slagging the Op off , I said this to hopefully keep the Op strong and angry with him and to not let him off the hook easily .

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 11:06

Not that much of a great Dad then, is he. Seriously. Hmm

Sounds like you'd be better taking tonight off work anyway - you're not going to be in the best state for it. But he needs to communicate with you re. your next shift, at least - and for further child-care and so on.

Also, just because he's choosing to blame you, it doesn't make it true - he could still be playing away and deflecting the guilt onto you, which is another standard ploy of a cheat.

Either way he needs to talk to you.

Knobbers · 09/09/2012 11:34

Sorry my mistake Jemma - not laughing at her but curled up with OW and slagging off OP is still a crap thing to say.

Anyway back to OP, ring work and get emergency A/L or compassionate leave. I work for the NHS and this is one of those situations where they grant it.

It's a shitty thing for him to do, leaving you in the lurch like this. Focus on getting through the day. You both need time to calm down

BalloonSlayer · 09/09/2012 11:36

Text back "I was obviously right then. A man who was worth trusting wouldn't throw his marriage and kids away over being asked to show an innocent text."

dysfunctionalme · 09/09/2012 11:36

Sleepycaz - I really don't understand how you can describe him as a wonderful husband. His behaviour is atrocious.

Here is what you do.

You manage. Break the day into little chunks and get through 10mins then the next 10mins and so on.

Call on your RL friends for practical help with children. You are in a crisis and now is a good time to ask for help.

You make little plans for managing tomorrow and the day after.

You invite your husband to sit down and talk at a time when you will not be interrupted and when you are sober/rational.

You tell him what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what you would like from him.
You listen to what he has to say.

And then you try to agree on a way forward.

If he won't talk, you still carry on with your life, your children and your work. And you keep carrying on.

And one day you realise that the day is a bit better than the one before, and that things are slotting into place for the first time in ages.

missymoomoomee · 09/09/2012 11:44

No don't text anything like that back. There is a bigger picture here, and if it is down to him being pissed off at being constantly questioned then a text like that wouldn't be helpful at all.

I'm not saying that is the situation OP but until you KNOW differently don't mention it to him again (there is nothing to say you can't do a little detective work behind the scenes if you genuinely feel he is cheating).

He is being a shit of the highest order by communicating by text and by leaving you in the lurch like this, its not fair at all on either you or his children. dysfunctional has given some great advice there too, don't think about the rest of your life, or even the rest of the week for now. I'm sorry you are in this situation xx

ErikNorseman · 09/09/2012 11:48

He's being an unbelievable twat! He is letting you down big time and punishing you for daring to point out he was lying. What a nasty bastard.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 11:49

He has just come home. He stinks of cigarettes. He gave up 3 years ago. I am as upset about that than anything.

He was at his mates and his mate told him to go home and sort things out. The kids went crazy when he came in. He hasn't said much.

DS went over and told him that Mummy broke the remote so they're watching DVDs. Nice.
(To whoever said they can watch tv, we have the kids channels PIN protected so they can't just watch American teen junk and unsuitable cartoons. If anyone knows how to work that without a remote, I'd be grateful).

OP posts:
Knobbers · 09/09/2012 11:52

Totally agree with missy.

There are bigger issues here than a text and storming off.

I have been suffocated by an exes insecurity before and the constant questions and accusations kill a relationship.

I have also watched a friend do the same in a relationship. He left her eventually, not for another woman but because he couldn't stand it anymore!

Not every relationship ends because someone cheats.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 11:52

Thank you so much for everyones advice. You have helped me a lot. I will continue to update/panic, later today. I have to go and lie down now he is back. I have taken my pain medication and it knocks me off big time.

Dysfunctional - brilliant advice.

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 09/09/2012 11:53

You can call sky and get the pin taken off and I know you can change it online so its possible you could take the pin off online too Sleepy.

Hope you guys manage to have a good talk and clear the air today.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 11:55

Good for his mate. So what is DH doing now?
Is he talking to you? Is he planning on stopping or is he packing stuff?

At some point you need to have a rational discussion, possibly with a 3rd party (relate counsellor if necessary) to work out if this is all about your suspicious nature or if there really is someone else. Which is still quite possible. Sometimes people who are frequently accused of adultery go on to have an affair because they think if they're getting all the shit anyway, they might as well commit the crime. This is a very immature response, btw, not saying that this is what your DH has done.

And if it's truly about your accusations, then you need to get help for them.

Knobbers · 09/09/2012 11:56

Glad you can now get some sleep.

It will clear your head a little too and give him a chance to calm down.

maybenow · 09/09/2012 11:56

It is IMPOSSIBLE for anybody here on mumsnet to know whether the OPs DH is behaving suspiciously and having an affair or if the OP is paranoid and suffocating.... from all that's been posted here it could easily be either.

OP - please don't do anything in RL that you can't come back from based on what people on here say, we can't know what's going on.

Original poster
SleepyCaz · 09/09/2012 12:01

He is in the shower. He's played swordfighting with the DCs and had a cup of tea. I have told him I love him and he says he loves us.

I don't know whether to show him this or not.

I am lying down. In lots pain but it's wearing off.

Thank you again Smile

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 09/09/2012 12:04

The most important piece of advice for you to listen to right now is DO NOT show him this thread. EVER.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 09/09/2012 12:05

Wise words from Thumbwitch