What have I done? Please help me

[SleepyCaz]

I think I have just driven my lovely DH away for good.

Started a fight after a nice evening over a text message on his phone. I saw it was a text while I was sat next to him. Asked who it was from. He lied and said it was from his mate. It wasn't. Usually I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Not this time. I just kept on and on being aggressive, demanding to see the phone. He went pretty pale, which I told him, and said it was a sign of his guilt and that he was cheating on me.

I went on and on. Demanding to see the phone and him refusing. I was shaking. I was convinced I'd caught him doing something wrong. He just kept saying that he wouldn't show me out of principle and that I was being ridiculous.

Anyway, I eventually drove him to get so cross that he threw the tv remote across the room (now broken) and slammed the living room door so hard he broke the handle. Then he got dressed and left. Mercifully he left the car keys.

I am terrified I've driven him away. He's a fantastic daddy to the DCs and a great husband really too.

I've called and text. No answer.

He's gone hasn't he?

But he IS a liar.
He lied about the sender of the text.
He continued to lie
He reacted in a rage because he was caught and failed to lie his way out of it.
He stormed out when you refused to back down meekly.

Where in the above does this fabulously good father appear? Because I wouldn't want anyone like that around my children, influencing them.

I'm so sorry why in earth if it was innocent didn't he just show you the text though?! I'm sorry but I think his actions confirm your suspicions I hope I'm wrong though. You haven't driven him away he is responsible for his actions.

Stillsquiffy is right she writes better than me

His behaviour when challenged means he has got something to hide and all the throwing things and damage was to get you scared enough to stop asking questions.

He chose to behave like a cock and he chose to run off into the night. Let him own this behaviour because it wasn't your fault. If I asked my OH who a text message was from he'd hand me his phone for me to have a look because he hasn't got anything to hide not start throwing things around and damaging our house.

But OP, perhaps he is. I'm sorry

Stop blaming yourself. Trust your instincts. Something is not right an he is behaving in a suspicious way.

Good luck OP.

Sleepy is there anyone you can call to babysit so you can try and get some rest? I know things seem awful now but it will get better. When he does finally show his face be strong and don't let him turn this round!! It's not your fault he stormed out.. Sending hugs keep us posted x

I think everyone needs to stop suggesting the OP's husband is cheating on here.

Don't just assume someone is cheating because they have received a text at midnight.

The impression I have from the OP's post is she's very insecure.

OP you say you have had trust issues in every relationship, you have become obsessed with TTC etc. Your saying you can't live without him.

Do you demand to know where he is, what he's doing all the time? Do you check his phone too?

Sounds to me he might be feeling suffocated. His reaction to the text might be because he has had enough of being questioned.
I'm in no way saying this is your fault but sometimes when someone is feeling caged in there becomes a time when that person snaps and breaks free.

This is my opinion btw from reading your posts. I could be wrong.

I'm sure he will turn up today. Hope your ok.

You poor thing.
It really sounds like something is going on with him though. Dreadful behaviour and that is not something a great dad would do to his children.

Some unfaithful men create arguments as as get out clause so they can say " we argue all the time I can't take it blah blah" then they give that as a reason to over react and leave you just like he is doing now.

I take it he took his phone, is he ignoring calls?

He's such a good father, in fact, that he smashed up his kids' remote control and left them overnight knowing they'd wonder where he was out of "principle"? And that "principle" was that you shouldn't pick him up on an obvious lie?

You may (or may not) have escalated the argument too quickly into "you're cheating on me" territory. But for most normal men with nothing to hide there wouldn't have been an argument in the first place. As MrsPnut and others have said, you didn't drive him away. He chose to behave like a cock.

I would go fucking ballistic if my partner demanded to check my phone and I'm quite taken aback by responses here suggesting otherwise.

BUT I wouldn't storm off (other than to bed) and I doubt I'd break anything. Moreover I wouldn't bugger off leaving my child, no matter how angry I was with their father. I don't like his reaction at all. Unless you've been on and on at him, and he's reached the end of his tether, it's an overreaction and the aggression is worrying.

Having said that, checking each others' phones for illicit texts is not normal, does he have form? Has anything else happened to raise your suspicions?

Yes...your op suggests you have had this battle several times before.

does he have form for cheating??

If the text was innocent why didn't he just show it to you?

Your instinct is saying don't trust him. Believe your instinct.

It's not your fault he behaved suspiciously and when you confronted him, that he created a 'diversion' by becoming aggresive.

Focus on getting through the day today. Can you get some help with the DCs?

I don't mean this to be horrible, but the op sounds pretty hysterical. If she does this sort of thing a lot, maybe he is sick of it and doesn't want to be called a liar and a fucking cheater in the middle of the night. Maybe it really is the principle. What is a relationship without trust? And the op is choosing not to trust him. To not take his word for things. To instantly jump to dramatic conclusions.

Op, honestly, we've all done it. Or at least I have. But you have to trust someone until you find out for sure they have broken your trust. Otherwise you'll drive them away.

And I'm certain he will come back. He needs to calm down and so do you x

He has no form for cheating. Only for the odd suspicious late night or text.

The DC's think he's been called into work.

Yes he is ignoring calls. I've only tried him once this morning though

Fuck knows what I am going to do.

Ok, this morning's advice is to plan for your day with the DCs as if nothing has happened. Try to go to work if you can face it. At least it will be a little bit of normality. It sounds like you may need a care plan for the children so that you can go to work. Is there someone who can help out today whilst you work out tomorrow? Their father may well be back in time anyway - if he's as good a dad as you say.

I wouldn't offer the children any explanation until they ask. They just give you funny looks anyway if you go chuntering on about something they haven't asked about. If they do ask go with the 'Daddy's gone out' and 'Daddy's busy' route.

OP, other posters are making all sorts of suggestions about your family dynamics and your life experience. Only you know how reasonable your behaviour is/has been. Do not blame yourself if you are not to blame. It's not easy always to work out the difference. You can do it if you are honest with yourself about why you think you are distrustful.

When he finally turns up you can decide whether to discuss this now or ever. Every moment he's away he's showing that he's putting himself ahead of his children and is uncertain about his relationship with you. Perhaps he needs to explain why such a withdrawal for such a 'good' family man.

Homebird gives good advice.

Get through today as normal as possible. Try and get child care and go to work if you can. If not, call in work and make an excuse for your absence and then arrange to do something for your and the kids.

He will be back at some point and then you need to have a chat.

So, is it possible that he has snapped because you are repeatedly paranoid (I too can see how that could happen)

Or, he is a cheating bastard who has finally been caught out.

Either way, when he does get in contact then you have going to need help in sorting out how it got to this point . good luck op.

I will admit that I am paranoid and often ask him who he has been texting, or why he is friends with certain people on FB. I work nights from 8-8 twice a week (hence why I cant go to work if he's not here), and call him from work to 'check up' on him I suppose.

My pregnancy has been complicated and I have been in hospital from Sun-Wed of last week. Coupled with some money worries, we have both been really stressed.

I am so confused. It was a pretty out of the blue mad reaction from me, but why was he lying?

PS Do I ring the Police to see if he's turned up anywhere.

FFS

OP in your first post you didn't say who the text was from. He said it was a mate but you said it wasn't.
Who was it?

That might help everyone understand a bit better and stop all the conflicting replies.

I would start calling his or mutual friends first and inbetween keep trying his phone.

Text hiom and say "I am worried as I have not heard from you. I will be calling the police at X o'clock if I have not heard from you as I am so worried". Then give hom half an hour or so after X o'clock before calling the police.

The police won't do anything yet, I think he has to be missing for 24 or 48 hrs or something like that

Sleepy, I'm sorry, I misread your op. I see what you mean now about phoning. I was very sleepy myself! Not sure I would phone the police yet but is there a friend you think he might go to? To be honest, and I understand this will be hard, I wouldn't go chasing him. Is there someone you can have round today or visit to talk to?