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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 19:30

Are you ok, pink?

Doha · 06/09/2012 19:37

Pink are you ok love???

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 19:58

I'm ok. He came in from work with psycho eyes and I was being really pleasant because I was a bit scared. He is being nice now, really over the top with the kids. He has just said something about how he is laying his heart on the line or some such bollocks, but he seems very calm tonight.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 20:10

Urgh.

Look, I'll just say this straight off so I've said it. If you do suddenly need to get out/call the police, don't hesitate, trust your instinct, do it. Worst that can happen is you're wrong and end up feeling a bit silly.

When you didn't answer his texts earlier, was that normal? As in, could he have suddenly twigged from your non-response that you're serious?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 20:13

I'm not sure, I haven't been massively forthcoming in replying to any texts or emails. I am actually in bed next to dd, googling quotes about fear. What in the name of God is wrong with me!

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 20:16

Quotes about fear? Something he has said you're googling? Or you mean trying to sum up your own feelings?

What's wrong, well, either you're sensing something odd in the atmosphere (which may or may not be dangerous to you), or you're just knackered with all the emotional wear and tear.

Have you got a friend/family member close by? Does it feel like a good idea to call them over or go to theirs for the night?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 20:18

I have both, but I don't want to leave the dc. I think I was just looking for divine inspiration. He has been off work this week until today, so work will have given him renewed focus I think. I hope it does the same for me next week because honestly I cant stand much more of this volatility and unpredictable atmosphere.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2012 20:25

It helps when he is bulging with unspoken words NOT to ask if he is okay or how he feels. That is exactly why he is looking at you with puppy/psycho eyes hoping for a response from you. He wants to draw you into a conversation about how terrible he feels and how much he is hurting.

Instead be brisk and breezy, remind him it is bin day in the morning and ask if he remembered to book the car for it's MOT. Keep away from all those risky subjects that give him an excuse to unburden himself. Busy busy busy! Definitely too busy to hear about him!

And It Will All Be Fine. You will come through this to a better place!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 20:32

Lemon - so what do I say when he keeps wanting to talk? Just hold firm?

OP posts:
JamInMyWellies · 06/09/2012 20:39

You ok lovey?

MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 20:42

If he tries to raise the subject hold firm with the robot repeating, I'd say. If you really feel you're in danger, obviously, say whatever to placate him and get out asap. But if LemonDrizzle is right, he's just looking for exactly that, to enmesh you both in his drama.

It's bullying is what it is. Angry

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 20:46

It really is bullying, I completely agree.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 20:59

Repeatedly waking you in the night is abuse. Have you had a chat with Women's Aid yet? It might be possible to force him out of the house quite quickly on the grounds that his behaviour is abusive and is causing both you and the DC fear and distress.

And a word with the local DV unit is a good idea too, give them an early warning that you are in the process of getting rid of an abusive man and there might be problems with making him go.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 21:07

I am going to speak to my solicitor tomorrow. I have not engaged him at all this evening and I am now in bed with dd, reading while she sleeps. If he wakes me tonight, I plan to be clear. I have to face the fear, I really do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 07:21

Update

Not a very interesting one, I completely avoided him last night. He woke me up at 6.15am this morning at the side of the ed, stroking my head and telling me he loves me unconditionally. When he didn't get the required response, he moved back on to the 'how do expect me to accept that you have made this decision entirely without me, when it totally changes my life.'

We only got slight wobbling lip this morning, no hysterics. He still doesn't understand why I won't try. The upshot this morning is that he is now saying he will not accept it, he is not prepared to do anything that points is towards separation, including mediation. He says if I want out of the marriage, I will 'have to do something'. He doesn't know what.

He asked me why I hadn't served him with papers, I said I thought that was a shitty thing to do and I had hoped we could go to mediation and navigate this together.

He says not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 07:27

Just phoned me. Said, 'Oh yes, it must be a nightmare for you, your husband telling you he loves you.'

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/09/2012 07:34

I am sorry you are in this mess.Glad you are ok.Hope the solicitor says some helpful things today.

Lueji · 07/09/2012 08:07

Telling is not loving and too little too late comes to mind.

It's the old: if you really love me, you'll respect my decision, you'll respect my space (and sleep), and you'll want me to be happy.

I'd make a note of the abusive behaviour and ask the solicitor if anything can be done to get him out of the house.

solidgoldbrass · 07/09/2012 09:21

OK, he is not going to change, this is all about control and bullying and selfishness. Don't waste time with mediation, it won't work and is not advisable when you are trying to get rid of an abusive man.
Tell the solicitor about the verbal abuse and continually waking you in the night, and that you want rid of this man as quickly and cleanly as possible. Best of luck.

bringbacksideburns · 07/09/2012 09:30

I think you need to remove yourself from this situation.

It's the only way he is going to take you seriously i'm afraid.

I hope you get good legal advice and look in Legal on here too.

Is there nowhere you could stay at all for the time being?
I think actions will speak louder than words with this man. He thinks he can just bully and manipulate you into staying because his pride is hurt that you are the one daring to say it's over. It's all about Control because he isn't the one who has decided to end it he is now playing mind games.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 09:54

I agree with all of that. I am just so scared.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 07/09/2012 10:01

Scared of what he'll do when you serve papers? Or more generally of future stuff, having to build the new life etc?

amillionyears · 07/09/2012 10:06

I think you will find it helpful to anaylse the fear,or do you know presicesly what you are scared of.Is it of him potentially doing something to himself. In general,those that talk about it,are not the ones who do it.

cestlavielife · 07/09/2012 11:37

he doesnt love (respect) you. he jsut wants the whole wifey to control thing. my ex would do the "i love her" thing to justify - had one mutual friend scream at him "that is not love" but he still wouldnt gt it...

hard as it is you need to ignore.

tell yourself you are not repsonsible for his feelings. whether he loves/hates you is irrelevant - his behaviour over years has demonstrated lack of respect /controlling /bullying.

maybe repeat something like " whether you love or hate me, it is not enough to change my mind. right now we need to separate and live apart" .

bu yes right now you need to thinkof either he does move out (but how) or plan for you and DC to mvoe somewhere even temproraily - yees court processes take time but eventaully you wil get back into the house and/or it wil be sold ... question is hhow ,long you can be in current situation?

mine began in late december one year - (he had been away for five months with his family after mh breakdown, came back"for xmas" but then refused to leave...) by mid jan it was clear he wouldl not leave; feb i was in crisis could see no way out; he was doing the i will not seprate thing; late feb i looked for flats to rent and had put down deposit end march - moved in the april ( a week earlier than planned as he kicked off and was v aggressive "i will not let you break up this family" etc. )

dont undersestimat ethat osmome pacid or non agressive may lashout . any sign smashing a plate whatever call 999 say you scared and get it recorded.

any new suicide threat by text keep and call police .

be strong and take control . make a plan a for him omving out and a plan bfor you and dc to move somwhere

another friend went to estate agent and paid a deposit on a flat for her now ex - was only way to get him out...

explore all options.
enlist his friends/family? to give him a room?

solidgoldbrass · 07/09/2012 11:43

Report any incidence of scary behaviour, threats, breaking things, screaming and shouting. The more evidence of bad behaviour on his part, the easier it is to get court orders keeping him out of the house and restricting his contact with the DC (you don't want him having unsupervised contact without proof that he's settled down).

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