Dh will not accept that I want to split up

[Pinkjenny]

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

Just realised that read as if I thought you should tell him how your jobhunt's going! Didn't mean that at all. Just "I am proceeding down legal channels, my solicitor tells me we could have this all sorted out within about x months, I will be establishing a new income for myself asap" kind of thing.

Basically I'm just thinking if he's heard you say "I want to leave" and then heard nothing else, but seen you getting worn down by his histrionics, he has every incentive to keep on with this behaviour.

I am going back to work on Monday. He has just sent me this:

I absolutely want u 2b happy- its my no1 priority- I just have nt understood what u want (not sure u hv) and so focused on those things as I should've in the past 2 yrs- loadsa other stuff got in the way. I don't want to continue the way its been either. I know what u don't want- but I'm not clear on what it is that u do- and whether I can give it to you and/or whether I ever hv. I think that you think that I can't cos of how its been in the last 2 yrs- but if I have in the past- all I'm asking for is to understand why I can't going forwards and if I have, the opportunity to at least try and do so again. I'm not trying to spite u here, you'v presented me with a 'done deal' without giving me a chance- ur the most important person in my life- I love u and want you to be happy- that is everything to me. If you felt that way about someone- would nt u do everything that you could to try and do that?

But how deluded is he?? If your happiness is his number 1 priority, then why has he waited until you're at break point to do something about it? From what you say, he has put you down and belittled you, he's known for a long time that you're not happy - and done fuck all to redress it.

So in reality what he's bothered about is not losing you per se, but losing the wife and person he could feel superior to. And possibly the DC.

"If only I'd known that two years of treating you like shit wouldn't make you happy!"

If he is genuinely heartbroken and repentant, nothing you can say will make anything any better because you can't say what he'll want to hear. If he's putting on a show of remorse to trick you into staying, nothing you say can end well at all for you. No response necessary.

Good news on work! That will get you out of the house with its current madness.

There might actually be some real self-knowledge here, I guess:

"I know what u don't want- but I'm not clear on what it is that u do- and whether I can give it to you and/or whether I ever hv"

He really doesn't understand that people don't like to be put down, kept on a purse string and insulted all the time.

Not your problem though.

I think he is frustrated by the lack of control. I am effectively 'deciding' to completely change his life, and his hysterics are definitely not ringing true for me.

He also keeps on referring to us being 'set up for life', meaning we have a nice house, two kids etc, so why would he want to go and live in a flat and be without his kids. He also keeps telling me that I keep everything and he loses everything.

Oh, pity party for him! Poor poor him, he "loses" everything - no acceptance of responsibility for it there then?

"Why would he want to". Bloody hell. He really does think the world revolves around him, doesn't he.

And he's got some funny ideas about how divorce works if he really thinks you get to keep everything but obviously I would not recommend saying that AT ALL! In fact he could even be trying to goad such an admission out of you.

I just wish I could make him understand. But sadly I don't think I am going to be able to.

Nop. It's sad (mostly for him). But it is soon not going to be your problem any more.

So just hold firm and keep repeating myself? Tonight I have to tell him what I am looking for. That is going to be fun.

Not really - what you're looking for is freedom to be yourself without being put down. He can't do that - so you need to do it without him.

Not for him it ain't, because you're not going to tell him what you're looking for. Repeat repeat repeat, "I don't have to justify myself to you. I have made my decision. It is not up for discussion" Don't answer any of the emotional hook questions (like the one that text ends with). "I have said all I intend to say" if he does those. And really don't get drawn into any discussion of the house/assets/childcare.

What do other people who've been through this think about the advisability of "You'll be hearing from my solicitor"? Is it best not to say that because it escalates, or is that totally the right thing to convince him she is serious?

No you don't have to tell him what you are looking for. You don't have to tell him anything.

Keep repeating yourself "I have made my decision. It is not up for discussion."

(By the way, you will feel like a complete tit repeating things like a robot! But you'll be glad you did later.)

Pinkjenny, I think the problem is not making him understand. Deep down he does not care about what you think or feel, what he cares about is the fact that he is (in his own words) 'set up for life' and you're planning to take that away from him. That's why, at the moment, he's doing anything he can to break your resolve and reassert to the status quo.

But what will happen when he finally realises that he can't break resolve and that you're definitely leaving him? I don't think he's going to be understanding or accept a break up by mutually consent, I supsect he's going to get very angry with you for ruining his 'set up for life' scenario and probably turn quite nasty. I think you need to be mentally preparing yourself for that, rather than worrying about making him understand, because I doubt he will ever see it from yout point of view.

Yes to divorce petition immediately, if you haven't aready done so.

I understand the reasons why solicitors tell parties not to leave the marital home. But it is SO damaging to all concerned that this is the case. Children get exposed to far more conflict than they woud if one party were allowed to temporarily vacate without prejucing their situation.

Exactly what MadBusLady says. That's proper assertiveness technique, that is.

think notdavidtenantis spot on.he knows he's treated you like shit, and what 'you want' now (freedom from the shit) is understandable and reasonable. he doesn't like the fact he's lost control and it's all blown up in his face. when he does realize you are not changing your mind, he will without doubt get nasty. defo speak to a solicitor, prepare yourself, and stay strong. it will all be worth it.

What madbuslady said. There is no answer you can give him that will make him say "ok, fair enough, I'll be off now.." he is trying to draw you in to a long pointless conversation, and eventually you will snap and say something cruel and hurtful to him so he can carry on his pity party.

It will all be about him and how you are throwing it all away, and you are the selfish family destroyer. Ignore ignore ignore. Stick to one answer and do not get drawn in!

As for solicitors, I can't comment, but my ex threatened SS, going for full custody, fathers for justice etc (all ridiculous, in the end I just said do your worst)

In fairness, if it is you who wants to break up, then why don't you move out and leave the children with him? I don't think I would be delighted to be told to move out in the circumstances (sorry, I perhaps empathise as the higher earner in a relationship with a more extravagant spender - I have even been known to get frustrated with him constantly having the hot water on, which obviously makes me controlling...)

One other thing (I don't have any assertiveness technique training by the way, I'm just guessing, I hope this is right! ). I'd be ready to say something like "I'm going to leave this conversation now" and physically do it when you've put up with as much of the drama as you can bear. Be ready to go into another room and pick up a book or start chopping an onion or go and play with the DCs etc. Even walk around the block. It'll undermine the message of "I don't want to discuss this any further" if what you're physically doing is sitting there waiting for more.

Apachepony: this man has been insulting and belittling the OP for two years: if he has to move out of his comfy home it's his own fault. He should have been less of an arsehole.

I think Apachepony does have a point, technically. The person who ends the marriage is usually the person who moves out (at least initially). Unless the police have been called to remove the other person, or something. That's why I'm wondering whether the solicitor could start being a bit more helpful and suggesting alternatives/moving things quickly on for Pink. Have you actually engaged a solicitor or are you still doing the free half hours?

I don't think this guy is operating at that level of sophistication though. I think his "why should I move into a flat" is more a general cry of "why should I do anything that doesn't suit meeee perfectly" rather than a specific "why should I be the one to move out."

If I didn't have the dc, I would be gone. But I am their main caregiver, to uproot them and leave the house seems massively irresponsible. As far as him leaving is concerned, I have suggested we go to mediation whilst still living in the house and work our way through the situation for a while, until he feels ready to move on. I have said we will put the house on the market etc etc. I am not expecting him to just get up and go. I am trying to make him accept that the relationship is over.