Dh will not accept that I want to split up

[Pinkjenny]

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

And leave my children with him? God no. You must be joking. Apart from anything else, his hours are too long to look after them. And just, no.

I am genuinely horrified at the suggestion I leave the dc.

Well, it does sound like you have set out a plan then, and done as much "explaining" as anyone has a right to expect.

We actually got to a point on Sunday night where we were discussing divorce amicably. Three hours later he was sobbing in the living room extremely loudly and then left the house. That was when he sent me the suicide messages.

I just don't know what to say to him any more. The discussion is pointless, because at no point am I going to say what he wants to hear.

I think you should call the police next time he threatens suicide.

Is there a spare room one of you could move into?

He'd never be so obliging as to kill himself, people like this never follow up on their threats. They are far too fond of themselves to do it. OK, he might climb up on a bridge and howl and cavort for a bit or something, maybe take seven paracetamols and wave the bottle at you... but unfortunately it's not going to be as easy as that to get rid of him.
As to what to say to him, just keep repeating 'This marriage is over. I will discuss the practical aspects with you when you can be calm about it.' and leave the room if he won't stop screaming and blubbering.
And if he does get aggressive, call the police and they will remove him.

Interesting how it is still all about him.

Tell him if he is REALLY serious, to start counselling, go regularly and prove he is going. Anything else is just hot air.

I'm sure he would go to counselling. But I don't love him. How is there even a way back from that? And why would you want to be with someone that didn't love you?

There isn't a way back, if that's how you feel.

I think as NotDavidTennant says, you're best off not expending energy on trying to figure out why he's behaving like this and what magic thing you can say to get him to stop. Because either he's just extremely upset and will get there gradually in his own time OR (which you've indicated might be the case) it's all a bit false and tantrumy because he's lost control and wants to pressure you into staying to be sat on and insulted for x more years, in which case there's nothing to figure out and certainly no magic words.

Hope the robot strategy goes ok this evening.

Are you sleeping in a spare room OP? Sorry if i missed that bit. I really think you should be. I bunked in with one of the DC for a week when my marriage went ti*s up.

I left my exH (kids came too) and when it came to the crunch and he finally admitted he had no intention (or means) to buy me out of our marital home he was forced to sell and the court settled for us. You certainly wont be left with less than what you're due just because you leave the property.

Suggest trial separation?

A bit underhand, but maybe he'll get used to it.

Or simply present him with divorce papers to fill and sign.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo that was one of my many strategies with my ex. It felt wrong to dangle a bit of hope but I was desperate to get him out of the house. Soon after he had gone I made it clear there was no hope of reconcilliation though

Yes, I'm in with dd. but he keeps coming to get me in the middle of the night, crying and saying he needs to talk.

I feel dead sly posting his texts but at least you get the context. Latest one:

I know I am pushing but that is cos I feel time is ebbing a way for me / us and I have to say what I think otherwise it will defo be too late if not already. As I said, I feel like I have nothing else to lose now - so I apologise - but if u were me, you feel the way I do about you and face the prospects you are presenting me with - I m sure u d do the same. Happy to park tonight - let me know when u want to talk.

Pink I had this from my EA H when I told him I was planning on leaving him. Lots of crying, driving too fast, drinking neat whisky from the bottle and waking me at 2am because "we have to talk". It just convinced me I was making the right decision.

You don't "have to talk" at all. You can say "no, I don't want any more discussion. There has been enough talking".

And guess what? He found someone else within 3 months and hasn't looked back. Thanks God!!

Lemon - how did it come to a head? How long did it take?

He started insisting on non-consensual sex so I said i would move into the spare room. He decided this was not acceptable and called my bluff and said it was either stay in the marital bed being raped by him or move out. So I moved out and left my DC behind. That was hard! But I haven't looked back and the DC and I are all fine. (They are grown up)

Oh and from first starting discussing our relationship breakdown to moving out - one year. I did try Relate and private joint and individual counselling but it doesn't work with Abusers. It just gives them more ammo to beat you with.

Lemon

Jesus. Not quite what I'm dealing with but that is awful.

Have you told the solicitor that he wont move out?

OP go and get a door wedge for yours and DD's room as soon as you can, ad make sure you have your phone in your room overnight. This must be so disruptive for your DD!

I'd also speak to the police and say that you are expecting problems, as I think he will cause you some :(

Pink when you are in it you can't see it for yourself. It always sounds worse when someone else describes their particular twunt. Mine is SUCH a nice man, so sensitive and kind and generous. Nobody can understand why I left him, poor misunderstood lamb. But that is okay. He needs to be well thought of, because if he had to look at himself as I see him he would implode like Voldemort!

I can promise you, two years later with a Very Nice Man in my life I regret nothing. And I have fabulous clever lovely DC who still love both their parents.

Be brave and just keep taking baby steps and one day you will look back with relief at how far you have come.

sob