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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 23/09/2012 08:21

PinkJenny: It wouldn't do any good, because he doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own. He knows that you want to leave, and why, but that's not important - he is focussed on regaining control over you and forcing you to stay. So all your attempts to 'get through to him' and 'make him understand' are a total waste of effort and energy. Just keep calm and carry on with the solicitors, etc, until you are rid of this dickhead.

bringbacksideburns · 23/09/2012 10:14

What are you going to do then pinkjenny??

Have you had legal advice on how to get him out or have you contemplated moving out yourself?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 23/09/2012 10:28

This is the latest.

U ve made decision that fundamentally impacts 4 people s lives- mine particularly- and u have nt even talked to me about b4 makin it- most people get the chance to do something about it b4 being chopped off at the knees - totally, totally unfair. The 4 people have been happy together in the past but have nt been recently but the reasons and pressures are all known. U r denying us all the opportunity of finding out if we can all be happy together again- u cant possibly b sure- u only find that out by trying. I hope u know what ur doin- ur taking everything that ever meant anything 2 me and i have worked to create in the last 10yrs in a really cold,hard,unforgiving way that devalues any feelings we ever had. I still love you and the children and believe in us as a family. I hope u, me and the kids don't live to regret the monumental decision ur taking on behalf for all of us.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 23/09/2012 10:37

i refer you to the previous answer from soh.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 23/09/2012 11:01

Aitch - it's like she's inside my head! She always does this!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 23/09/2012 11:28

and inside his. she absolutely predicted that this is his approach to the breakdown of your marriage.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 23/09/2012 11:29

(he really is a total cock, btw, isn't he?)

ShowOfHands · 23/09/2012 11:49

You can print it off and shove it up his jacksie. With compliments from the author. Grin

He's a one trick pony sadly. I'd really like it if he'd surprise us all by suddenly realising he's made you unhappy for years and the situation is untenable and instead channelling his gargantuan efforts of late into ensuring he has two happy, well adjusted dc. He won't obviously, but you can dream.

He can say what he likes about what you're doing to him, water off a duck's back, but do not for a single second let him worm his way into your head and let him believe you're in any way damaging your dc. You have done everything for them. You've given them your all and that won't change at all. The one constant they have in their life is unwavering and that's you. If h really wants to know what you want from him, then it could be that he steps up and offers his dc the same thing. He selfishly doesn't realise that the thing which will damage the dc in all of this is him exposing him to a lot of things they should never, ever be aware of. Actually, I take that back. He is aware that they can be damaged by a messy divorce. He just has no qualms about blaming the whole thing on you.

And ignore him saying you haven't tried. You have tried for years. You've put up with more than most women ever could or should. And really, all this why didn't you tell poor old meeeeeeeeeee crap? Did he need telling not to call you names, not to patronise you, not to tell you off, not to make you feel worthless, not to leave all the parenting up to you, not to think of himself first every time etc etc. Give him a chance? Give me a break.

ShowOfHands · 23/09/2012 11:50

His more recent texts sound more accepting btw. He's shifted his focus slightly. It's happening, promise, he's realising.

2rebecca · 23/09/2012 16:20

Agree that the bit about you not having tried to see if the relationship will workand whether or not you can be happy together is laughable, what does he think all the years of your marriage were if not you both trying to see if things will work and trying to make each other happy?
The bit about not talking to him before deciding to separate is a bit bizarre. what did he think you'd say
"In 3 weeks I intend to tell you I want a separation darling".

bringbacksideburns · 23/09/2012 17:56

I see he's rewriting history then?
'This is ALL your fault and i am putting it ALL on to you because you want to break up the Happy Home. I can't possibly take any responsibilty in treating you like shit and making you unhappy before this.'

He is talking bollocks about the kids being unhappy and miserable without him btw. They will be far happier with a happy mum. Clutching at straws now and will no doubt continue to use as much emotional blackmail as possible because it's all he has left. Ignore.

Lueji · 23/09/2012 18:24

impacts 4 people s lives- mine particularly
and the rest.

It's all about him.
He doesn't really care about the other 3 people.

izzyizin · 23/09/2012 19:54

One trick pony? Nah, he hasn't got the style, the grace, or the talent, to move like god's immaculate machine and he's nothing more than a common or garden self-indulgent and self-centred abusive twunt.

He's not getting any message and he'll never be on any message that doesn't accord with what he wants. All he's done is slightly change his tactics and he'll revert to more overt methods of undermining you if you don't give him the result he wants, which is to carry on as before with him at the centre of your universe.

Sleep deprivation is psychological torture another form of domestic violence. If he does this to you again, call the police and give him the 'proof' he seems to require that he's killed your feelings for him stone dead and there's not going to be a raising of Lazarus in that respect.

Talk to your solicitor about obtaining an Occupation order that will give the police the power to remove him from your home, or have a chat with Rights of Women www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

cestlavielife · 23/09/2012 23:20

Pinkjenny my exp has repeated the txt you put here since I had to leave with the dc in April 2008. The same sentiments. He repeated then recent,y in a triage session to get therapy counselling for dc. (not because of the separation per se but to help in dealing with him) they have actually been so much happier
.

It is tactics which he will continue to use . If you were to stay he will always hold it over you that you tried to leave.
If you leave he will still try but you will, be able to switch him off
.

Whether you leave or stay will make no difference to t how he feels but that is his problem. Your problem is how you want to live your life day to day. Free or not.

BerylStreep · 25/09/2012 16:12

I hope all is ok.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 26/09/2012 22:51

Things calm. Not sure where we're going with it now, he appears to have just stopped mentioning it!

OP posts:
NormaStanleyFletcher · 26/09/2012 23:38

Does that mean that he just thinks it has all 'gone away' ?

Has there been any movement in the actual split.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 26/09/2012 23:48

Nope. Will need to address again.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 27/09/2012 00:32

My STBXH was very much like this. 'The Conversation' was the most painful thing I ever did, but then he acted as if it had never taken place. This went on for some years until I virtually broke down and ran away. My divorce is still going through.

I cant remember from your thread but have you consulted a solicitor yet?

I am sad for you and I hope you can manage to get free.

BumptiousandBustly · 27/09/2012 05:26

Pinkjenny, this thread bothered me for ages, as I was trying to work out who your STBX reminded me off, I finally realized that this is exactly how my DF talks and has always talked.

He has never forgiven my mother for leaving him, still blames her for every problem in his life (they split up 33 years ago).

I however have always been extremely grateful that I didn't have to grow up with him - even from quite young I realized this was a good thing, and became estranged from him at the age of 14 (absolutely my choice) as I just couldn't cope with dealing with him anymore.

We now email each other occasionally and thats it, and even then I have had to lay down really stringent ground rules that he can't mention my parents, my grandparents, etc - as otherwise all i hear is about how they ruined his life, ruined his relationship with me etc!

I don't know how helpful this is, but felt I needed to say something, as it stirred so many memories.

Lueji · 27/09/2012 10:53

Pink, many have said it before.

You need to take proactive steps towards separation.

He won't just accept it and go.

What would you do in his place, particularly having to leave the house yourself, leaving the children behind with the other partner?

Would you say, fine, and go immediately, or keep staying and hope your partner changes his/her mind?

If you do want to split, then FGS, get a move on.

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2012 10:59

No, you don't need to 'address it' again, because all that will happen if you do is him embarking on another round of squealy tantrumming. Just carry on sorting out the practicalities with your solicitor, file for divorce, get the court orders sorted out or whatever and put him out of the house. It doesn't matter what he thinks. You have decided to end the marriage and you have every right to do so.

cestlavielife · 27/09/2012 11:45

useful to apply the "where do you see yourself in five years time"? angle.

how woudl you like your life to be? (beainrg in mind he is unlikely to change...)

because if you dont do anything you will keep in this cycle of anguish, things will be calm for a bit, then you will remember why you wanted to leave, and it will all start again. right now this is just the calm before another storm.

perfectstorm · 27/09/2012 19:52

No, you don't need to 'address it' again, because all that will happen if you do is him embarking on another round of squealy tantrumming. Just carry on sorting out the practicalities with your solicitor, file for divorce, get the court orders sorted out or whatever and put him out of the house. It doesn't matter what he thinks. You have decided to end the marriage and you have every right to do so.

This a thousand times. Addressing it is pointless because he does not see you as a human being with rights or feelings. All he will see or care about are actual steps. Please take them, or this could take years. Literally.

FionaOJ · 27/09/2012 20:26

Have just caught up with this thread and it has gone exactly the way I predicted at the start of the thread (under a different name)

I am worried that he is changing tactics, he could be building up to doing something very very stupid. Do not trust him. Do not stop planning how to get out, although so far it seems you have no plans to do so!! Are you 100% sure you are ready to leave? Because if not, he WILL grind you down each and every time. You need to get to the point where the consequences of leaving are less scary than if you stay. And it WILL get to that point.

Your husband is unstable, and quite possibly dangerous. He is acting irrationally. Is there anybody he respects, a family member or friend, that can sit him down and explain calmly but firmly that you are leaving, your marriage is over, and his actions are doing nothing but delaying the inevitable?

It took my mum, who adored my ex and still washed his clothes and cooked him meals (!!!) after I left him, to tell him exactly what he was doing to us and himself, to bring him to his senses. My ex thought my mum would never turn on him, because in his mind he was the rational one and I was the homewrecker It was a wake up call and there's a small chance that hearing it from a third party may be the shock he needs.