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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/09/2012 10:57

yeah, cos he's so totally haaaaawt right now, with all the crying and the snotters. Poor OP, it's a nightmare situation.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/09/2012 10:58

i think on balance we tend to assume that if a woman is posting that she doesn't want to be married any more, she's done some hard frowny thinking about it already and isn't being a silly lady.

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 10:58

People do weird things when being dumped! My ex jumped on top of my car, i was driving it at the time!

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 10:59

Im sure the op has thought about this a lot already.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2012 11:00

Pinkjenny I remember you, am so sorry you are going through this. I also feel sorry for your dh though as I do feel this is how is react too. What has gone wrong? can it definitely not be fixed? If not then I think the practical changes, separate rooms, houses, divorce are the only things that will convince him.

PurityBrown · 06/09/2012 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 11:14

Thank you for all the advice. I wish I could post a link to my previous thread to give you the back story but there is no way bak for me. I don't think he is suicidal, I just think he is trying anything to make me change my mind. Of course I have given it the appropriate amount of thought, I'm not a heartless cow, things have been bad for years and I don't want to spend my life this way. And if he stopped panicking and thinking about what he is losing I am sure he would feel the same.

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 11:15

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1542519-Divorce-WTAF-am-I-going-to-do-Advice-please?o=1346926355749

You said you couldn't link your previous thread op so here you go.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2012 11:16

"Imagine if it were a woman . . ."

So? The woman would have got the message by now. The 'lock him out' part is not necessarily to force him to sleep on park benches in the driving rain but to convince him that the OP is deadly serious that it's over and to get him to the next step of thinking about a separate future.... It's been three weeks and he's no further on. Something has to give.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2012 11:16

Sorry . Didn't realise there was huge backstory and not implying you're heartless at all. Hope you can get through this wihout too much more heartache.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2012 11:18

if her H is actually suicidal then only profressionals can help - you would not treat a broken leg unless you are expert in that field. op's responsibility to a suicidal person is to call 999 immediately.

f he is suicidal - literally - then keeping him at home is not going to help him or give him the right input. the professional medical people can help him - medication, therapy, sectioning.

if he is simply emotionally blackmailing op then he needs to go elsewhere and cry to his mates....

my ex did not accept til i moved out with dc (hehad refused to move; he then cried etcetc, said would kill himself (it was touch and go because he has history of self harm and severe mh)); he still did not then accept. five years later he has accepted separation but his narrative is all about how abusive i was to him. which frankly is/was in the the past and he needs to move on.

when someone has spent a lot of time telling you how awful the relationhsip is etc or how fat you are or whatever - it surprises when they dont seem to want to split and move on . makes no sense.

but there is a book on borderline personality disorders called "i hate you dont leave me" which sums it up really ....

unhappyhildebrand · 06/09/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 11:23

All the crying and hysterics are bloody awful.

OP posts:
PurityBrown · 06/09/2012 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 11:28

I completely agree Purity.

OP posts:
PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 11:28

"Imagine if it were a woman . . ."

So? The woman would have got the message by now.

What? So all men are slow on the uptake and all women are quick? Massive generalizations there!

Sorry op. Bit of a diversion. Is there anyone else that could talk to him. His sibling, parent, friend? Perhaps help him see that it really is over. Just read your other op. I can really see why you want out. He sounds a bit controlling with the whole water thing so perhaps that is where he is struggling here, that he can not control this. Nightmare for you.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2012 11:36

my best friend used to tell me "he is so good at the dramatics isnt he?"

or "he is going for the oscar this time!"

or she would laugh. it helped to shake me up from being drawn into the histrionics.

but you are in a bind. unless you can get him to actually leave to a friend or whatever then you are stuck.

could you take some time out and go elsewhere with the DC even temporarily ? stay with family or friends?

let him see you are serious.

and poitn out to him that his beahviour is upsetting for the DC.

that you take his threats of suicide seriously and this will mean no unsupervised contact with the DC.

Taxicat · 06/09/2012 11:42

@Pinkjenny - your mind is made up and I imagine you've tried everything so fair enough. I just hate seeing families split up, its so so sad.

I always want to find the silver lining and just think that everyone desearves a second chance. Sounds like he's had his already

Evasmum12 · 06/09/2012 11:45

I would be keeping a record of all this, my exp started like that, crying, pleading, then progressed to threatening to take my dd if I went to work, saying 'say goodbye now because we won't be here when you get back', then when I moved out he bombarded me with texts and voicemails threatening to kill me before coming to my house one night and carving 'slut' and 'whore' into my front door with a knife.

That's just a snapshot of how bad things got, take care op. Do not retaliate, do not try to reason, it just dosen't work. As others have said, the broken record replies in a neutral voice will eventually sink in. (or in my case having him arrested, the police made him read out every abusive text message he had sent me to two women police officers!)

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/09/2012 11:46

taking his threats of suicide seriously would certainly move things on... what would one do? get in contact with local mental health team?

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 11:49

Well, he's clearly demonstrating that you are doing the right thing in dumping him, he sounds extremely selfish. You can't legally lock him out unless you think he is going to be a danger to you or the DC, in which case you can have him removed and get a court order to keep him out.
File for divorce, if you haven't done so already, keep calm, sleep in a separate room with a lock on the door and engage with him as little as possible.
If he does become aggressive or make threats, ring the police DV unite. IF he really kicks off, call 999.
It's going to be fine, you're going to get rid of him, there is no need to waste any more time or energy on this prick. Best of luck.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2012 11:49

reporting specific threats to police is worthwhile

cestlavielife · 06/09/2012 11:53

an immediate and real suicide threat requires a call to 999 they will send out police and/or ambulance.

an indication his MH is really suffering/he is getting depressed - well he should go to GP and seek help or op could go to GP and record what is happening - then up to GP what is done about that information.

behaviour that is scary/threatening - call 999 and ask for police.

MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 12:00

I had a similar reaction when I dumped an ex who had spent years putting me down and controlling me, and telling me he didn't fancy me any more. They are just so SURPRISED aren't they! Not so much by the fact that you want to leave as by the not loving them any more bit. What planet do they live on, that they think themselves loveable?? I had no kids and somewhere to go to though, so I never had to deal with the worst of it.

I wouldn't get into any arguments, or try to explain your reasons, but definitely move into the spare room if possible. I've read the previous thread, and could part of the problem be that you haven't really set out a clear timetable to him about what YOU intend to do next? I don't know where you're at with jobhunting etc, but maybe he is assuming that if you're letting things drift on a bit he can bully you into staying with him still has a chance.

Also, doesn't the solicitor have any other ideas about the situation? They must have come across similar things. I can see why they don't want you to leave the house, but the trouble is it is technically you that's ending the marriage, isn't it. Isn't it quite morally difficult to expect him to leave? (Obviously not at all morally difficult to expect him to stop harrassing you!)

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 12:04

Evasmum. That's awful!