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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
Lueji · 07/09/2012 11:50

I have to say that I am also slightly concerned for your safety, as he realises that there's nothing he can do to convince you to stay married.

Regardless of what your solicitor said about the house, I'd seriously consider moving out if he doesn't.
With the children.

zipzap · 07/09/2012 12:13

Reading all this and then your recent post about waking up to find him stroking your hair really chilled me.

Thing is it sounds like then he was still thinking that he had a chance of sorts. If he is now beginning to think that he doesn't have a chance or (in his deluded mind) that him being 'reasonable' and telling you asking 'nicely' hasn't worked in making you change his mind. He may now think that he might as well go back to being mean and violent in an attempt to control you (sounds like he was abusive before so am extrapolating about what his actual behaviour was).

And then the worry becomes that you wake up and find him next to you with a knife or his hands slipping from stroking your hair to stroking your neck. Oh and then he didn't mean to but he found himself gripping your throat tightly...

Sorry op, don't want to be over alarmist but he does seem to have a very self centred view of the world and you don't want to find yourself too late discovering the full extent of his rage. Do you have all the domestic violence numbers and police, woman's aid etc plugged into your phone for speed dialling?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 07/09/2012 12:16

I have been through similar, pink, and I'm sorry you're going through it now, I wouldn't wish it on anyone

You have already had some fantastic advice and I agree that the only way to get through this is to not engage. Get things moving legally as fast as you can and just use the broken record technique. The more times you 'give in' and try to reason with him the more he will carry on because it's working

I think the problem in these type of situations is that you are trying to manage a breakup in the easiest cleanest way possible because you are a good person and because you try to treat others as you would like to be treated. On the whole that is the best way, discussions, mediation, compromise. But with people like your H it just will not work, because they are not kind decent people, you cannot expect them to handle things well even if only for the children, they are incapable of it. And so you have to adapt to that and behave in ways you wouldn't normally, no sympathy, no discussion, no emotion just repeating facts over and over. You will never ever be able to reason with them, and really you don't need to, you don't need their permission to end things no matter how much they think you do

I can see why you are staying there, I have to admit though that I left (with the children). I knew he would make life hell for me and I couldn't put the dc through that so I went to stay at my parents house and I have to say it did make things easier

I hope you're ok pink, it must feel like you're living a nightmare but hang in there, this stage won't go on forever and it will all be worth it in the end

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 12:35

Excellent advice, you are all really pulling me through this.

May - your post has really struck a chord with me. The broken record technique really does seem to be the way to go. I am absolutely sure he will turn nasty at some point, and my parents are 5 mins away.

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 07/09/2012 12:48

Look after yourself sweetie. Call me if you need me. In 12 months time, this will all just be like a bad dream. Stay strong x

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 12:51

And the whole 'how can you have reached this conclusion without me?' I have no idea how to answer.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 07/09/2012 12:58

there is no answer... because what he wants is you mining your head for answers to his questions.

there is only... you don't wish to be married to him any more.

amillionyears · 07/09/2012 12:59

Dies he realise how much he has emotionally hurt you,and therefore killed your love?

ShiirleyKnott · 07/09/2012 13:07

You don't need to answer it though Pink.

He sounds very controlling and ME ME ME what about ME?

There is literally no talking to these sorts of people.

Stay strong.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 13:13

I think he does realise it, but he thinks that now he understands what has gone wrong, he can fix it. And I can't convince him that I don't want to fix it, because I don't love him. He keeps asking me if our whole marriage has been a lie, and saying he would take 2 shit years out of 10, and saying he will do anything and just blah blah blah. Then obviously when I am not giving the correct response it's all the stuff about how I am ruining his life and the kids lives and how dare I not even give him a chance. It's fucking exhausting.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 07/09/2012 13:16

I'm not surprised you don't know how to answer it, it's a deeply weird thing to say. It's indicative of a totally self-absorbed mindset that you don't understand because you're normal and decent. There is no answer to it that isn't "I have reached this conclusion without you by being a separate human being".

You understand other people have feelings separate to yours, which you respect. He doesn't. It shines through in his current behaviour just as much as it did in his horrible behaviour.

Tillyscoutsmum · 07/09/2012 13:19

But it's not been 2 years has it ? You've been in separate rooms for over 5 and he's been massively unsupportive and generally a bit of a shit since you had A. Just keep repeating "I don't love you. I am never going to love you. I don't want to be with you. The children will be fine if you are capable of being reasonable. If we can't agree something soon, I will start divorce proceedings and leave the courts to sort it. That will cost us both money - you much more than me".

Tillyscoutsmum · 07/09/2012 13:22

He's just pissed off at the lack of control. I can empathise (being a bit of a control freak Wink) but that's life. Or at least, that's certainly divorce. I can't imagine many marriages end where both parties reach the decision to separate at exactly the same moment. I have been on both sides of it and in some ways, this way is much more difficult Sad

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 13:23

Ooh Til, I like it when you get all angry.

It is bloody ludicrous. We haven't had sex for three and a half years. At what point was he thinking things were OK? How can he be so shocked.

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 07/09/2012 13:28

He's just shocked that his belittling of you over the years hasn't made you into a gibbering wreck who is too scared to realise that there is more to life than this. He just thought he was in control and he's just pissed off that he isn't.

GnomeDePlume · 07/09/2012 13:31

I am another who sees the waking you with head stroking as weird. He is invading your personal space with what is essentially quite an intimate act without your consent. Personally, I would be heading to the DIY store for a bolt to put on the door.

ShiirleyKnott · 07/09/2012 13:35

He's shocked because it's not happening under his terms.

My Xarsehole was completely and utterly gobsmacked when I told him to go and meant it, despite having been an appalling husband and father and pretty much making my life a misery for years. WHen HE left ME a few years earlier he refused point blank to tell me what the problem was because he was having an affair with one of my friends because I just didn't matter really. DYKWIM?

I also had the begging and the eyes and the BULLSHIT about counselling and change and blah blah blah. It is exhausting, I really feel for you, but you've got to try and seperate from him by getting a bloody LOCK for your bedroom at the very least.

What a knobhead.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 13:37

Shiirley - and did he just eventually go? How old were your dc?

Love your plums btw Wink

OP posts:
Mizza76 · 07/09/2012 13:42

The answer to 'how can you reach this decision without me' is that 'we are no longer a couple, I can make decisions by myself'.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 13:43

Yes, I suspect that might be the answer. What is wrong with me? Why aren't I just saying it? What's the worst that can happen.

OP posts:
CagneyNLacey · 07/09/2012 13:45

Is it because he may finally realise you're serious and you're frightened of what he may do?

ShiirleyKnott · 07/09/2012 13:45

Oh he slept outside in his car for a few nights and LITERALLY came and looked through the patio doors in the morning all full of SADFACEBEAR and longing looks at the kettle twat, but yes, he went.

We were in a slightly different situation because I owned the house and he was a dick and never gave me any money. so once I told him to go - and meant it - and he KNEW I meant it he didn't have much option TBH.

DC's were 3 and 7 at the time.

Oh chickie - I wish I could just fast forward the next 6 months for you and all of this will be over.

ShiirleyKnott · 07/09/2012 13:46

(oh and thanks re: the plums! I'll send you some when it's ready and in celebration of you being free!)

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 07/09/2012 13:46

Yes. I am scared of his reaction. Because I think he has become such an unknown quantity to me now because I never anticipated this reaction, so he is just a loose cannon to me at this point.

OP posts:
CagneyNLacey · 07/09/2012 13:47

Sorry, no experience of this but just reading this thread and I think you're really frightened, he sounds very overwhelming and the hair stroking thing made my skin crawl.