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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 09/09/2012 23:41

All the best to you. Hope you get an undisturbed night and please seek legal advice again to explain how you are having to live with this emotional abuse.

Flisspaps · 10/09/2012 16:22

Just keep one eye on him all the time. At the first hint that he's turning (and he will) then run. Just get out.

As for your mum, unfortunately for her (and you), pretending it isn't happening won't make a blind bit of difference. If she's worried about the DC, she should be doing everything in her power to help you and them get away.

tzella · 10/09/2012 16:46

Stop waiting for the next thing to happen.

Take control

Lueji · 10/09/2012 17:02

Actually, how are you?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/09/2012 19:36

Started work today, so that has eased the tension of the marriage situation. I've definitely made a mistake calling this truce, I am conscious that I am still going to have to call time on this marriage. But for now, he is being fine and I have had a good first day.

OP posts:
Lueji · 10/09/2012 19:42

You can always use the "truce" to make your exit plan.

He's only being nice so that you don't go.

It's only a truce if you are at war. I thought you had decided to leave.

Flisspaps · 10/09/2012 20:10

Glad you've had a good day. Just think how many good days are coming when you're finally free!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 10/09/2012 20:49

I want us to split up, yes, there is no doubt. But I would rather not have to achieve that by dragging the kids out of their home.

I do accept that he is only being nice because he thinks he can talk me around.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 10/09/2012 20:54

Just carry on with your exit plan; don't feel guilty about lying to him while you get everything in place. Then you can go when ready (or have him removed if that's what turns out to be the best option).

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 16/09/2012 07:05

After a quiet and uneventful week, other than starting work, I was away from home last night. Dh went snooping and found the solicitors letter and a credit card bill he didn't know about. He is flipping. I am terrified to go home.

Fuck.

OP posts:
HowBoutNo · 16/09/2012 07:16

Please keep those
Kind of things somewhere he can't see! He's loosing his rig cause he realises you're going to do what you want anyway. Please be safe now, is there anyone who can come home with you and be there?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 16/09/2012 07:43

I'm sure he will be calm in front of the dc and if not I will take them and go.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 16/09/2012 11:49

Oh poor you. Remember, at the first sign of trouble, call the police.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 19:44

Things very weird. Got home yesterday and he had blu tacked wedding pictures on the kitchen wall. Doing his crying routine til about 1am, then burst in at 5am, pulled the duvet off me and started again.
He said he is not splitting up, that if I want out then I will have to leave the kids. Which he knows isn't going to happen.

Sad
OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 17/09/2012 20:00

I don't remember whether you were trying to stay in the house, but maybe you need to give up on that and move out (with the kids)
You won't forfeit your right to the equity when the house is sold, and you can make a home elsewhere with your children. He's really abusive, I hope you can see that :(

bringbacksideburns · 17/09/2012 20:09

I find your posts really worrying Pinkjenny. I think you need to leave with the kids. He isn't accepting it and what he is doing is strange.

Have you anyone you can stay with or can you contact Womens Aid in your area. I really don't think all of you staying together like this is healthy and he might accept it more when you are gone, as clearly he is making no moves himself Sad

Have you had Legal help - i'm sure someone can advise you on the house.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 20:19

The house is neither here not there any more, and I would leave, but I am frightened of the repercussions. I feel like I can handle things here, but I really don't know what to do, apart from put in another call to the solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 17/09/2012 20:23

What would the repercussions be? What could he do to you if you left?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 20:38

He would just be so furious that I would worry more.

OP posts:
thixotropic · 17/09/2012 20:46

You are scaring me.

Get out.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 21:03

Am I being dense here? He's not whacking me or anything.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 17/09/2012 21:06

Look FFS you really need to get out of the house and take the kids with you. This man is working himself up to harming you and the children. You need injunctions against him, to prevent him coming anywhere near you, and supervised-only contact for the DC.

He honestly sounds like the type of man who would kill his entire family and burn down the house rather than 'lose'.

Tiago · 17/09/2012 21:08

Seriously OP - he has gone beyond the realms of normal.

HenriettaChicken · 17/09/2012 21:08

You need to leave - NOW. This is terrifying behaviour.

ErikNorseman · 17/09/2012 21:10

This is serious emotional abuse and it is escalating.