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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 21:14

Am going to speak to my Mum.

OP posts:
Doha · 17/09/2012 21:19

Just read your updates Pink and l am seriously worried for you and your DC's

YOU NEED TO LEAVE ASAP

Lueji · 17/09/2012 21:22

He's not whacking me or anything.

Not yet.

Regardless, are you mentally prepared to put up with crying until 1am and getting duvet whacked at 5am, day after day, after day?
If it doesn't get worse?

You should be going to your mum.

leguminous · 17/09/2012 21:23

Pinkjenny, have just read this thread from beginning to end and the change in his behaviour is scary. But you know that. You are scared of him now. You're scared of what he's going to do. Aren't you?

You can't control the escalation of his behaviour. You cannot placate him by staying in the house. Am I right that you're sharing a room with your daughter when he comes in screaming and shouting and turning the air blue? That's NOT OK. He's crossing a massive boundary by not only behaving aggressively to you, but doing so in front of your child. He's not going to stop, you need to protect her from this. It doesn't bloody matter if he doesn't get physical (though please accept that you really, really can't predict that - you've said yourself that this reaction is out of left field and you don't know what he's going to do any more). It may not be physical abuse but it is emotional abuse, of both you and your daughter. Same with the emotional manipulation of the kids, the "does Mummy love Daddy?" That's just so completely fucked up. This situation, right now, is intolerable. Just because he hasn't raised a fist yet doesn't mean it's somehow OK for you and the kids to be subject to verbal abuse and manipulation.

If you're out of the house, staying somewhere else, then you can deny him access if he turns up. You can dial 999 with him outside the building, not while he's coming through your bedroom door. And you and the kids won't have to exist with this horrible atmosphere 24/7, because he won't be there.

You're cherishing an illusion of control, of a sustainable situation. It's not. He's clearly not going to back down on this. You have less control and less ability to protect yourself when you and the kids are sleeping in the same house as him. Crunch time is going to happen one way or another, whether it's when you leave the house or when you serve him with papers. If he can flip out over the solicitor's letter, is he going to take that calmly?

You can't win with him. You reckon you can handle things in the house, but the longer he goes without getting his way, the angrier he'll get. This isn't a holding pattern. He's been escalating steadily since you first told him you wanted to split. Sorry to be blunt, but as I see it, you can either bring matters to a head by leaving for a safe place, or you can wait for him to reach that level of anger one morning at 3 am while you're sleeping. :(

Hassled · 17/09/2012 21:27

Fucking hell - have just sat and read this. You have lost all sense of what is actually a normal way to live (and I can see why - of course you have) - but please trust us when we say this is NOT tolerable, this is NOT an OK way to live. You must be a permanent knot of stress and exhaustion and anxiety - there's only so long you can sustain that for. And this won't be going unnoticed by the kids; none of it will. It won't get better, it will only get worse and it's not sustainable. You have to bite the bullet and take some positive, tangible action. You're thinking that if you just sit tight and ride it out it will all go away - that's not the case.

Tomorrow - get the DCs and the important stuff, specifically passports, birth certificates etc, and just go. Go anywhere - it doesn't matter. You will be safer somewhere else.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 17/09/2012 21:31

Am taking it all on board, I promise. I will speak to my Mum and the solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
TwinkleReturns · 17/09/2012 21:35

PinkJenny Please please PLEASE get your daughter out of the house. It doesnt matter if hes not hitting you, this behaviour and what hes building to seems much more worrying because I think as others have said, this is beginning to look like the sort of man who will flip and try and kill you.

I dont think you are taking this seriously enough, I dont think you're taking what your daughter is having to endure seriously enough. ask yourself WHY you are chosing to stay in an intolerable situation??? Get a new solicitor OP - one that will get injunctions done ASAP - get out of that house!

What can he actually do? Turn up whereever you are staying? - call the police. Approach you while you are out - call the police. they wont let him get within touching distance if they know you've fled an abusive arse (which you can log by calling 101 and they will take a statement so that they can respond quickly if you call 999 and will refer you to DV unit who can offer advice and support etc)

I know its scary, and I KNOW that you are petrified, but your little girl needs you to be strong now and get her to safety. Focus on that OP, she needs you, she needs you to protect her.

Leave NOW. Dont leave it a second longer than you have to. Please.

TwinkleReturns · 17/09/2012 21:39

OP I think actually you need to go into refuge. I think this so that he wont know where you are and you can stay there for a few weeks until injunctions etc are in place. If you are in a refuge he cant trace you, he cant find you, he cant contact you and you will have a whole arsenal of specialist support at your finger tips. It would be a way of leaving without you having to be terrified because as my ex said "you just vanished off the face of the planet. Its like you were dead" - they cannot trace you.

joblot · 17/09/2012 21:40

My ex did the waking me up & weeping, anger,guilt trips etc. But only for a few weeks. And it was absolutely soul destroying. I imagine you're so shell shocked you can't think straight given the mountains of emotional abuse he's inflicting on you. Speak to someone and have. a break somwhow. Hes a complete yterium piece of shite for treating you this way. No excuse whatsoever, its plain evil.

Write things down on paper too, I fond thats really helpful now and for the future. When you've got rid of your abuser, you'll read it and be immensely proud of how brave you are.

cestlavielife · 17/09/2012 23:22

My exp put up pictures of me too pregnant happy etc etc. ... It is a last ditch attempt to get you to see sense as far As he sees it.
You don't know what he might do but storming into your room at five am is just the start.

You and dd need to get away. Seriously. and not with a conversation going but safely does he go out to work ? Pack a bag and go.

He he will get crazy but you don't want to be around to see it and neither does dd.

zipzap · 17/09/2012 23:24

Just catching up on your recent posts and as others have said his behaviour is escalating and getting so much worse and scary, you need to get away from it.

The line that got me was when you said that he said that 'he is not splitting up, that if I want out then I will have to leave the kids. Which he knows isn't going to happen'

When he starts to think that he is entitled to the kids and is using them as a way to control your staying with him. Sounds like a small step onto the next line that you always see in those police reports when a dad kills his kids (and sometimes his ex too) - If I can't have them then nobody can...

please please get out of there as others have advised and speak to solicitor, your mum and the police, as well as finding a refuge. And make sure you have all papers, passports, birth certificates etc with you in your handbag (even if you leave them at the office or send them registered post to your mum or a trusted friend) as well as any solicitor stuff or things you think would inflame him.

zipzap · 17/09/2012 23:26

oh and make sure you wedge your and your dd's room door shut tonight, even if you have to move furniture across it.

are all your dc in there with you or just one? Any way that you can all be together so you don't feel that you have one child who is in a room alone and exposed or vulnerable?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 18/09/2012 05:47

Pinkjenny. I hope you are ok today. I echo what others have said. You need to leave today, for your safety, your dc safety and for the mental health of you all.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 18/09/2012 06:02

Well he didn't come home last night. I have no idea where he is.

OP posts:
CagneyNLacey · 18/09/2012 06:09

Op, this is making for frightening reading, I cannot imagine how utterly exhausted you must be with this. It sounds like you've shut down and are in survival mode just waiting for things to get bit more manageable. But you must take action to protect yourself and your children and you have to do it immediately. He may be acting distraught and weakened and pathetic but he just sounds terrifying to me. It sounds like he is really taking things up a gear and it's going to come to a head- you know this. But you andyour kids CANNOT be there when it does. Go today, stop waiting for a mythical point when it will get easier.

Every day you stay your children are being damaged more and your ability to protect them is being eroded.

I wish I had the words that would make you just suddenly 'get' how dangerous your situation is for you and your kids. But this man has worn down your sense of what is normal behaviour.

CagneyNLacey · 18/09/2012 06:12

Sorry op, x post. Why don't you take this opportunity to pack up and go? He may be just trying to keep you on the backfoot, not knowing what he's doing?

ladyintheradiator · 18/09/2012 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 18/09/2012 08:20

You are probably supposed to be worrying that he has fucked off and drowned himself. It is unfortunately very unlikely that he will have done anything so useful.
But please don't sit waiting for him to return. While you have the house to yourself, pack the essentials, take the kids and go to the local police station. Tell them everything he has been doing, and ask them whether you should move out, or secure the house against him and if they will back you up in the latter option. They may refer you to a solicitor or judge for an emergency injunction to ban him from the house. But for DCs sake as well as your own, don't even contemplate spending another night in a house to which he has access.

He might have spent last night looking for someone to sell him a gun or something.

bringbacksideburns · 18/09/2012 08:27

Please get legal advice asap. You can not remain under the same roof as this man.

You say you can handle it but you are scred of the repercussions. You can not carry on living your life being woken up in the middle of the night and subjected to all this emotional abuse and blackmail. Please listen to the advice of everyone on here who has posted, get the help of your mum and get out.

Tiago · 18/09/2012 08:57

OP, I asked my DH his view as to what should be done (to get a male perspective). His response was "her husband is having or has had a breakdown, he is not behaving normally or rationally, she needs to leave".

Hope you are OK today.

ShellyBobbs · 18/09/2012 09:11

If you won't go, you need to get your kids out of that house NOW and get them somewhere safe. Call SS if needs be, but YOUR KIDS ARE IN TERRIBLE DANGER!

Please, please, please for them, GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE! The man has flipped, he IS NOT the man you know.

Matildarae · 18/09/2012 09:37

Haven't had time to read whole thread so may have already been said but why are you not having counselling unless dh has been abusive then surely marriage shud be for forever. Life is not just about what makes us happy ie I don't love my husband anymore so I will just leave him. And he deserves to be in a family unit with you and his children. Also the children need their mum and dad together. I am sorry but unless he is being abusive you are being very selfish.

Matildarae · 18/09/2012 09:40

Btw am not condoning his behaviour it's awful, but it sounds like he has lost the plot because he is desperate to keep his family.

Tiago · 18/09/2012 09:45

matildarae - the back story is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1542519-Divorce-WTAF-am-I-going-to-do-Advice-please?o=1346926355749

Essentially, OP and her H have parted ways in their lives, not helped by his behaviour (which has been at best emotionally abusive). The love is gone and OP has had enough. Even her DH when challenged couldn't say whether he loved her or not.

solidgoldbrass · 18/09/2012 09:56

Matilda: THis man has been an abusive wanker for a long time and there is no poitn at all in counselling. His misery is his own fault, and it's not misery as a reasonable person would understand it, it's a tantrum at 'losing the game' ie no longer being able to bully the OP. Everyone has the right to leave a partner for any reason whatsoever, and no one should be subjected to this type of abuse and manipulation.