Should I consider quitting my job to become a trophy wife?

[peonylover]

i am having a xmas wedding... and my fiancee just dropped a bombshell. he wants me to give up my job and be a companion to his parents. In return, I will have unlimited access to a "generous monthly allowance"

Some background on me - I work in the advertising industry, but my real passion is finishing my novel, which I am trying to do for the past 6 years. So, in an ideal world, i would be jumping up and down in joy on hearing this proposal.. but I am not. Not loudly, anyway... I just am not very comfortable about this whole proposal....

Fiancee has aged (but mobile) parents who live with him (in his house, which he bought after years of working as a banker) and he wants me to stay at home and make sure they are not lonely. He is very frank about this. I am also sure he has said this because I have been lamenting forever about quitting my job and becoming a full time writer. A Win-win situation, in his own words.

If you have access to a nice income every month WITHOUT WORKING FOR IT, will you take it and give up your currently satisfying job to become a trophy wife?

let him find a full time live in housekeeper/befriender for his parents - may be cheaper than your "allowance"

you keep your job and write in spare time.

"Your savings won't last forever."

Exactly. Who owns the house? Do you have a pension plan that means you'll be adequately supported in your old age? If not, you will be financially dependent on your husband.
If he decides he wants a divorce in a few years time, where does that leave you?

My friends folks came over from Kenya (when they were booted out) and brought grandma with them. She was set in her ways and didn't learn any english (hasn't to this day). Her dads only foray into foreign food is the occasional pizza. So no, its not racist to suggest that older folks are set in their ways and will expect things done their way (especially if it is 'their' household). Many a Brit abroad is exactly the same - we see stacks of expats in Italy and France grumbling around the supermarkets complaining about lack of Heinz and 'proper' loo roll.

I think because the suggestion was not made as 'when we get married, you won't need to work because I can provide for you my darling, and I want you to be happy. Maybe you could finally finish your book! By the way, you know my parents are getting on...'

What's the age gap between you? If his folks are aged then I am assuming he will be 40s+? Us old folk are pretty set in our ways, I can tell you and if he's anything like me and my old man, he will also need linament rubbed into his back now and then!

Think long, think hard and be objective. 'I can put up with XX for security' is not a reason to agree. I would not give up work. Heaven forbid the marriage does not work (do you live together already?) but if it did somewhere down the line, where would that leave you? Have you family nearby? Friends who know both of you and can give you honest advice? Is it a dealbreaker for him? If so, then definately think again.

Ask yourself this: can you really see yourself finishing your novel and it being published? You say it's a passion but yet you've been writing it for 6 years. if you give up work will you really finish it? If you don't finish it or don't get a publishing deal what will you do then? Presumably if you've had time out from your job it's difficult to get back into?

As others have said at some point the in laws will deteriorate and need more care and if you are not a published novelist then with a deal to write more how will you be able to say no to caring for them?

With your husband away and working lots you may find yourself very isolated if you give up work. Do you have friends outside of work to socialise with? Otherwise you may become very dependent upon the in laws for providing you with company. It's all very well being given an allowance of 3k per month but what will you spend it on if you have no friends to meet/hobbies etc. if you are at home all day it may then become difficult to justify having a house cleaner/ gardener unless you seriously are writing a novel.

If you are a troll and making all this up then why a great way to do research for a novel!

Wow, I'm with Vicky and bssh, there is a huge amount of cultural stereotyping going on here. Yes, some older people from the Indian subcontinent prefer to eat only Indian food. Some Indian MILs are demanding and overbearing. Some Indian DILs live in abusive set-ups. But just because you know some people for whom such arrangements haven't worked out, please don't generalise for all. FFS!

OP, I think you'd be taking a risk by giving up your job and your independence. It might end up with your ILs becoming too dependent on you, though equally, it could all work very well. How would you feel about it if your writing career didn't work out? How would your OH feel if you decided it wasn't working and you needed to go back to work? Presumably you may want to visit Thailand sometimes - how would your ILs cope with that?

There is nothing wrong with considering the idea, and only you can decide if it would be right for you. I think you do need to think through what will happen if/when the health of your PILs deteriorates, and ensure that everyone is clear about expectations. Personally, in your shoes, I wouldn't want to quit my job, but I don't think it's unreasonable to consider cooking for the PILs or keeping them company every once in a while. Once you are married, they will be family after all.

Jinsei, I think it depends what you mean by 'cultural'. For example, my experience of British northern working class culture is that there is huge pressure on daughters especially to care for elderly relatives. This pressure doesn't seem to be as great amongst my friends with middle class backgrounds. Also, I know of very few very elderly people of any background who don't have a strong preference for the familiar and their own routines. I think people are just trying to say that if you're marrying into a different culture, whatever that culture may be, it would be wise to ensure that you're aware of the norms and aware of how your future ILs view those norms.

Oh, and the comments about the OP's English are utterly unnecessary and completely beside the point.

Merlot, I wouldn't dispute that at all, it's hugely important to understand the culture that you're marrying into. But it's also important to understand that people are individuals and that cultural stereotypes are just that - stereotypes. They will be true in some cases, and not in others.

I know from personal experience that making assumptions about a partner, on the basis of their cultural background, can be unnecessarily damaging to relationships, and far more problematic sometimes than any cultural differences themselves. It is much better to focus on understanding the individual that you are marrying, and his or her family. Yes, culture will be a part of that, but not the be-all and end-all.

I don't think it's unnecessary to point out her poor use of English if she's planning to sustain herself with a new career as a writer. Although she did subsequently say that she'd be writing in Thai - but, there's a MUCH smaller market for books written in Thai than for those in English so I also think is equally relevant if she plans to make this her career. Writing isn't that well paid unless you're at the very top of your game.

Regardless of the size of the market for Thai books, the OP has stated very clearly that she hasno intention of writing in English. Consequently, I stand by the view that criticisms of her written English are unnecessary and irrelevant.

And fwiw, I think she writes very well in English considering the fact that it isn't her first language.

There seems to be a bit of a culture clash going on here as in general us native British are not very kind to our elderly relatives and several people have expressed horror at sharing a home with their inlaws, while the OP and her DH to be seem more positive about the prospect.

I don't think this is necessarily a disastrous scenario. My new DP has his aged parents living with him and they are the sweetest people I've met in ages. The whole family pulls together and have embraced me with love. I could imagine living with them all.

I would have more reservations about the OP losing herself in a relationship with an older richer man who has expectations of her behaviour.

Does he make you laugh OP? Is he kind and loving? or will you be like an employee meeting his standards? Is that normal for your family? Fill us in

You know what...give it a go and see what happens. You are tempted and personally I think its a great idea. You have savings, are clever and can get employment if you don't like it for whatever reason. Retire early and give it a whirl... As long as you are upfront and honest with your husband then go for it and enjoy spending the time doing what you want to do. Sounds like a lovely idea...

Don't agree its totally a culture clash. He didn't say 'after we are married, you won't need to work as I earn enough. As you know, my parents are getting on and I'd like them to live with us'. He said 'give up your well paid job that you enjoy to become my parents companion'. It will be a different set up than the OP is used to, or that she was expecting when they got engaged. She probably doesn't know them all that well, nor them her.

And my mum was 'very kind' to my grandma. Dad bought her a home near ours (she wouldn't live with us) and mum visited and cooked to her every day. When her alzheimers was too much, my parents paid for her to go into a private nursing home, where mum visited her every day, even when dad was dying from cancer.A couple of generations ago, it was fairly common to have an elderly relative in residence.

It is relevant to her plans to abandon her current career: if she can't make a living as a writer, she'll be entirely financially dependent on her husband. And I very much doubt she WILL be able to make a living as a writer based on the evidence here. Pointing out what an unrealistic pipe dream she has is very relevant indeed.

Where's the trophy? Commode yes, trophy no.