Should I consider quitting my job to become a trophy wife?

[peonylover]

i am having a xmas wedding... and my fiancee just dropped a bombshell. he wants me to give up my job and be a companion to his parents. In return, I will have unlimited access to a "generous monthly allowance"

Some background on me - I work in the advertising industry, but my real passion is finishing my novel, which I am trying to do for the past 6 years. So, in an ideal world, i would be jumping up and down in joy on hearing this proposal.. but I am not. Not loudly, anyway... I just am not very comfortable about this whole proposal....

Fiancee has aged (but mobile) parents who live with him (in his house, which he bought after years of working as a banker) and he wants me to stay at home and make sure they are not lonely. He is very frank about this. I am also sure he has said this because I have been lamenting forever about quitting my job and becoming a full time writer. A Win-win situation, in his own words.

If you have access to a nice income every month WITHOUT WORKING FOR IT, will you take it and give up your currently satisfying job to become a trophy wife?

This is strange for the Indian culture.
Usually they don't wait until the parents are Una le to look after themselves before moving in, nor would the dip be expected to give up a job to care for them when they don't need care.
OP, it doesn't make sense. They are fit and healthy, but your dp ( who is never there) moved them in because he was worried about his mum? How did that help. He wants you to keep her company and write your book? What allocation of time can you devote to each.
The Indian culture would say the majority would be to help you ailing mil, but is she ill or not? You aren't clear.
Anyway it doesn't add up to ' I will be able to give up work to write and had spend a little bit of the day with fit and healthy ils'.
Also with the Indian culture, it will turn into a caters role when they can not look after themselves. Especially if you cast yourself in that role now.

Most Indians I have known with this set up have been either newlyweds - so skins and saving for their own home, or as you said, with sick or elderly parents/grandparents.

So how did you meet? You are obviously relatively senior earning that much in the ad industry. You'd be crazy to drop a career of basically no security.

OP, I am not really sure why you see this offer as giving you access to free money. Surely once you are married the money belongs to both of you anyway?

I understand why your husband might think this is a good idea, but if you even consider accepting this you should go into it with your eyes wide open. You need to set some clear boundaries and expectations (for one thing, will you be expected to look after them 24/7? How many years do you all forsee this arrangement working? What if their health takes a turn for the worse?). And as others have mentioned already, you should be very careful about not putting yourself in a vulnerable position should you break up. For example, as far as I am aware, pre nups are not legally binding in this country.

You stated allowance. Which as he is giving you it in return for certain duties, makes it a salary.
OP, if this is real read your posts. You CAN say no but worry about starring married life saying no. So you don't feel you can say no, not really.
You are not a trophy wife, you would be staff.

OP, I'm concerned that you're viewing this proposal through rose tinted glasses. You will be working for your 'generous monthly allowance', make no mistake! Caring for elderly relatives is HARD and only gets worse as they become increasingly frail/ muddled/ frustrated with their increasing limitations. You say your current job is satisfying and that the money would be similar (you'd need to sort out cast iron legal protection of this), so then ask yourself whether you would enjoy being a carer more than your current job. How well do you get on with your future ILs now? Have you spent much time alone with them? What do they think of the idea? What would they expect of you in terms of company and help? What would happen if either or both of them needed physical care? If you know anyone who does or has cared for elderly relatives, ask them to tell you honestly about their experience. It can be very rewarding, but it's by no means an easy option and you certainly wouldn't be able to write 'full time' in the long term. You'd need to treat this as a job and ensure the 'terms and conditions' were very clearly stated up front, so that you had certain hours set aside for writing and it was very clear what the limits of your responsibilities were. If your fiancé is very business minded he should welcome this. Bear in mind also that these are his DM and DF, you're not going to be able to let off steam to him after you've had a bad day, so if you do this you need to think about your own social support. Don't underestimate the benefits of going out to work in terms of maintaining your sense of self and your sanity. If you decide that this would be something you'd like to do, write a list of all the thing you could possibly be expected to do, from making dinner right through to dressing them or helping them in the toilet, and talk through it with him and them so that everyone is clear about the boundaries. Personally, having watched my mum spend 20 years caring for her DM and MIL, as well as run a household and raise 2 children while my dad worked and then having cared for my FIL and MIL through FIL's terminal illness whilst managing a toddler and two part time jobs, I'd run a mile at this suggestion- work was what maintained my sense of self when all of my home life was given over to everyone else's needs. But then some people love being SAHMs and I didn't, so perhaps I'm not a good example! Hope this helps...

Oops, just realised "husband" should read "fiancee" in my post above.

well i come from a poor background, i struggled much to get this job in London, that's where i met my fiance.. i work 10 hours a day to earn my current salary... and i get the same just for staying at home. it seems like a sweet deal to me (but am also reluctant to consider it too seriously).

i like travel but i do travel now with fiance when he has meetings in another city, and it is not fun... he will be at conference all day, and i will be in hotel room.

sorry if trophy wife is not the right word to use, i thought it was (always improving my english reading popular fiction!)

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs!

i struggled much to get this job in London

There's your answer... why on earth would you discard something you struggled so much for. It's not just the work, it's the experience you would be losing. Even a couple of years out of the job market can make a massive difference.

Where are you living now?

And was the plan always for you to move with him into the upstairs flat whilst his parents have the downstairs part?

This can't be for real. If he has money, he should hire a carer for his parents. And you should live in different homes, but maybe in the same area. You could keep an eye on the carer and his parents. But what you are saying is that you are all living in the same house.

Oh and that's not a trophy wife he's suggesting. Trophy wives have servants and nannies. Can you see insert any WAGs name stay at home looking after the footballers parents?

The thing is the setup sounds sort of ok now, but what happens when his parents get to the stage where they are much less independent and need for e.g personal care such as bathing and toileting. Will you, as family, still be expected to fulfil the role then.

If you did decide to do this make sure you stash some of your allowance in a savings account for you just in case.

OP, it seems like a good deal now, while his parents are mobile. But over time, as they inevitably become less mobile, you will transform from their companion, to their part-time carer, to their full-time nurse. Up to you.

thanks for all your comments. i realise i have to be very careful in my decision,things can indeed go wrong. im also sure my fiance wouldn't have proposed it at all if i hadn;t revealed my desire to become a novelist full time.

but it is very tempting... i have been working non stop for nearly 2 decades. it is nice to "retire" so early in life! i like working - who doesn;t - but i like to enjoy life more. financial freedom is indeed very tempting.

i am quite a frugal person so i do have a good savings account. i will not be dependant on my new husband (or anybody).

His money will be your money once your married anyway. Run......fast.

No, do not do it and save yourself from a life of misery. You are uncomfortable for good reason, listen to your gut feelings on this and tell him no. If he does not like it then tough.

Infact I would call off the wedding now. Sorry but you're worth far, far more than such a poorly thought out arrangement. Also the "allowance" could too easily be cut over time as he will see you not spending much money. Financial abuse on his part is a real possibility here.

BTW how did you meet this man?. Dating agency?. Is he much older than you?.

re this comment:-
"my fiance is a good man, yes he certainly can afford to have a professional carer for his parents, he says by being there for his family we all will be closer, better me than some person doing it for money".

He is too tight fisted/mean to get proper care for his parents but is more than happy for you (who is medically untrained and also unsupported by anyone else) to do this for him. Not a good man at all. I cannot see anything good in this at all for you actually.

You are not here to be his parents carer, be their companion or play happy families with them.

Many Asian families usually care for their elderly relatives by using relatives and it does not always work out at all well. My friend upon marriage became a full time carer for his elderly mother in her house whilst her H sat on his backside and did nothing (his lifestyle did not alter and your man's lifestyle won't change); its no life for you despite any cash incentive or being from a broken family yourself. Do not allow yourself to be bought in such a crass manner.

Lets break this 'sweet' deal down
You have a job you worked hard for, well paid independent. Your 'job' will be looking after, keeping his parents company. Do you want to be a carer? People in the Indian culture rarely ask for outside help with elderly parents.
you think its 'free' money, its not free if you have to work for it.
You feel you could say no, but not really.
There are no defined duties. The parents are/are not independent (depending on the post), the parents already have staff but no friends and therefore need you as company? Is there no Indian community?
Your dp moved them in because he was worried, but there is nothing to worry about as they are healthy and, also, he is never there. So if something happened what would he do.
Either you are making shit up OP or your dp is. No e of this make sense and you keep contradicting yourself.

What pagwatch said, as so often.

" i will not be dependant on my new husband (or anybody)".

You will become dependent on your H's goodwill to keep paying a monthly allowance. His parents will increasingly become dependent on you. What kind of life would you be entering as his wife?. You will give up one job that you've worked damn hard for for a life of caring for his relatives. That will become your full time job. You will not be able to enjoy life more caring for his parents and being with them all the time; you'll end up feeling stifled and crushed by the weight of responsibility.

you wouldn't even be a wife peony, you would be a trophy fiance surely?

druanderson i find your post very offensive. why is everyone saying im making this shit up? people's life is made up of all kinds of shit, anyway!

i don;t get this "my job is the beginning and end of my life" or "you can;t let go of your job, you are nothing without your job". yes i struggled a lot, i started working when i was 13, and it's been a hell of a ride... but to me it is not my life, it is just a means to a good life.

i have saved a good amount of money, so i will not be dependant on anybody. the prenup will safeguard me and my husband anyway.

i think i will eventually say yes to my fiance's request that i will make dinners for his parents. im not a CEO or the prime minster, i think i can afford to spend an hour every day for the elderly parents of my husband. And find the time to have a chat with them now and then.

And how will I "end" up becoming their full time carer - It's not like I am going to fall into a pool! If it comes to that, I will say no.

but i will not quit my job, i am going to talk to my boss tomorrow about part time possibilities. just to see how it is going to work out.

And why do so many here say that I will be forced to become a full time carer eventually? How are you all so sure? Are you just guessing... in that case, there is a 50% chance that things will also work out, right?

I think it's because old people tend to deteriorate peony, rather than get better and he could pay for a carer now to pop in and make their meals etc, someone to do their gardening, housework. I don't think a lot of people are posting to be malicious, they are posting in concern as to what an undertaking it is caring for people, especially when you are not married

Become a housewife if you wish but why not take the opportunity to study? Working for such a young age, you must have missed out so much.

Don't underestimate how much looking after the elderly can be - and it only gets more.

How did you end up posting on this forum, you haven't mentioned children? How will you manage with the parents and kids too?

And your fiancé should get off his backside and make a few meals too. He needs to get into the real world or he will treat you like the hired help.